• Member Since 7th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen 6 minutes ago


I am not contained between my hat and my boots.


~Via Chat:
(trillian) ocalhoun
(google talk) 7485697@gmail.com
(skype) chat.ocalhoun

~I see you!~

total since Dec 2014

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Ministry Statistics

Sinners Absolved: 1
Weddings Performed: 0
Baptisms Performed: 0
Funerals Performed: 0

Roxie made this for me! ^.^

ocalhoun, originally from Bronyville. Author, adventurer, minister, truck driver, webmaster, veteran, professional editor, electronics expert, security guard, inventor, horseman, lover, friend.
Never liked reading incomplete stories, so you won't find any here. Daily updates or the whole story at once.

I'm now on Patreon!
Please help me stay focused and motivated on writing. I need your help!

Editing and proofreading requests are now handled through my Patreon page.

My inspiration to keep going:
(Edited to maintain anonymity.)

My friend [...] recently read One In A Million, as you know. What you may not know is that he loved it so much that he's been telling me all about it and how it really hit him where it hurt. In a good way, though.

For a long time, he's been unable to put fingers to keyboard on his own story, [...], citing it as a piece of trash that should be deleted. He's had low self-esteem ever since I've known him (about 9 months) and he has flirted with the idea of suicide more often than I'd like to admit.

Now, however, he seems to be coming out of his negativity... in quite a few aspects of his life. We're actually friends irl, so it's been wonderful to see the reversal in his attitude to life and writing lately, among other things.

One In a Million changed him. And I have you to thank for that.

Keep on trucking, you beautiful, beautiful bastard. -- NeverEatTheLemonsAlone

Every time I read this story you play with my heartstrings and spit in my face. --Obsidian Raindrop

All hail the messiah of clop! --Mephiles

Quality Stories in Need of Readers

  • Undeliverable A collection of letters to Ponyville's Mailmare by ocalhoun 1,195 words · 2,933 views · 327 likes · 4 dislikes
  • Guardians of the Old Forest For centuries, timberwolves have guarded their secrets in the deepest corners of the old forest, but that may change when Roseluck stumbles in. A war is brewing under the shadows of the trees. by ocalhoun 17,659 words · 834 views · 75 likes · 3 dislikes
  • The Unfortunate Stabbing of Nurse Redheart Many times Nurse Redheart has seen to the comfort of ponies in their final hours. When her turn comes, though, she has only you. by ocalhoun 5,279 words · 1,876 views · 159 likes · 16 dislikes
  • A Rose For Luna Finally, Roseluck's special project is complete. Now, it's time for her to request an audience with Princess Luna, and see if her rose really does give her luck. by ocalhoun 2,884 words · 3,212 views · 485 likes · 7 dislikes
  • What the Heart Craves The tumultuous romance and drama of a young mare's greatest crisis. by ocalhoun 31,618 words · 1,212 views · 91 likes · 16 dislikes

Blockbuster Hits

  • One In A Million Scootaloo finally finds her special talent. It's the worst week of her life. by ocalhoun 53,741 words · 15,596 views · 1,547 likes · 145 dislikes
  • The Clothes Make The Mare Twilight writes to Princess Celestia for an explanation of an insidious issue Shining Armor told her about... but she ends up finding a secret that will change her life forever. by ocalhoun 7,727 words · 18,030 views · 922 likes · 62 dislikes
  • Princess Celestia is in your bed. Princess Celestia is inexplicably in your bed. by ocalhoun 1,111 words · 29,880 views · 2,997 likes · 74 dislikes
  • Unicorn Horns Are Made Of Candy A secret unknown to any hornless pony, unicorn horns are made of candy. Pinkie Pie found out, and now she wants to try every flavor! by ocalhoun 2,526 words · 15,385 views · 1,829 likes · 38 dislikes
  • The Most Annoying Infestation Rainbow discovers that she has a pest problem in her house. The pest turns out to be both cuter and more annoying than she expected. by ocalhoun 4,488 words · 12,734 views · 1,688 likes · 25 dislikes

Gallery of Feels

  • On Wings Of Love Scootaloo has a good day. She deserves it. by ocalhoun 4,422 words · 2,782 views · 193 likes · 9 dislikes
  • The White Bottle Zecora hates her little hut. The path is always silent, and the door is always shut. Will she choose her last relief, or will she suffer through her grief? by ocalhoun 1,056 words · 1,647 views · 113 likes · 8 dislikes
  • A Mother's Love Never Dies The bittersweet triumph of a mother's love, an unforgiving reality, and the unsung loss of a queen. by ocalhoun 6,687 words · 4,604 views · 410 likes · 8 dislikes

Best of my Comedy and Randomness

  • Celly's Day Off Celestia wants to take a day off, but thing just keep getting in the way... just like they have for thousands of years. by ocalhoun 4,329 words · 1,664 views · 176 likes · 3 dislikes
  • Discord Finds Jesus. Literally. Discord goes looking for a new friend, and he finds one: Jesus. by ocalhoun 4,177 words · 4,905 views · 258 likes · 90 dislikes
  • Pony Express The Planet Express delivery company takes a delivery to a planet called 'Equestria'. This won't end well. by ocalhoun 15,206 words · 2,539 views · 189 likes · 14 dislikes
  • A Frog's Life Croak, ribbit, am I right? This is the story of why I don't like ponies. by ocalhoun 1,619 words · 831 views · 53 likes · 2 dislikes
  • Slim Pickings According to Equestrian law, Twilight must marry a prince... and there's only one eligible bachelor prince in Equestria. by ocalhoun 1,438 words · 5,230 views · 461 likes · 40 dislikes
Comments ( 1017 )
  • Viewing 998 - 1,017 of 1,017

2450290 I see, well thanks for sharing.

Depends on the story, really. Sometimes I have a hugely detailed plan, sometimes barely anything, and I just roll with it. Whichever I think the story would work best with. Then just sit down and write for a few hours at a time until it's done. If I care a lot about the story, it'll get subjected to my editing checklist and get dozens of proofreading passes, plus prereaders... If I don't care a lot about the story, it gets one proofreading pass.

But I don't really have a set method, no real routine or anything. Just sit down and bang it out.

2450121 I think it's a combination of answers 3 and 4.

Well, there's a lot that 'how' could mean...

Physically? On what kind of schedule? How do I plan them? How do I actually do the writing? Editing?

What specifically do you want to know?

2446937 I'm not sure if anyone has asked you this, so forgive me if I repeat the question; how do you write your stories?

Congratulations! You have been selected for the honourary honour of being booped by the Boop Wizard of the Boop Army of boops, boop boop.




Also, loving 4000 year old virgin, and I'm excited to see where it goes.

Heh, because quite a few seem to be not loving it. So it goes. I'm not terribly concerned about that -- it is what it is.


My bad :3 not gonna lie, I didn't get much sleep and your follower count blurred in my memory with another's. Knew it was huge though. Also didn't look at the timestamps.

I just hate when people make a poisonous atmosphere because they can. This is the one fandom where that's not supposed to happen.

Also, loving 4000 year old virgin, and I'm excited to see where it goes. You're a great writer, and I've seen some writers chased off because of people who like to watch the world burn. After 60+ stories I doubt that's likely, that doesn't mean I can't give some encouragement anyway :)

Don't worry about him. ^.^ I can take care of myself.

Heh, and I don't have 6000 followers! Only somewhere between 2000 and 4000, depending on how many follow both me and my evil twin.


Lonely people with 6000 followers ready to back him up. What do you have Mazey boy, 4? Going to someone else's page to taunt them is a way to make sure your opposition is limited. You are the only insecure one here. The only reason safe spaces exist is because of people like you that use their inalienable right to speech only to drag others down. I pitty you. I really do. I'm not pro-safespaces, I'm just anti-stupid.

Politics always matter.


Do politics really matter on a site about god damned cartoon horses?!


Yeah, that's what happens when you piss off the fascists, I suppose.

Ok so I just came here through a random story then I just start reading what people said cause I'm a curious idiot and all I find is people insulting each other for what appears to be no good reason

>> 2412376
I'm against fascism, but I don't associate with antifa.

...And there you go, just repeating the same things I said. Again.
You know what? I'm tired of talking to you, so I'm not going to make it easy. No more reply notifications for you.
If you want to keep this pitiful nagging up, you're going to have to work for it.

2412186 Lonely people like you are literally subhuman. I think it's time to end this.
The alt-right "safe space" is open to new members.
Antifa group? Closed.
I think you should tread carefully now that I dominated you. Lonely "people" tend to get hurt.


I can see you're afraid of me saying that. Well, I won't.

What I will say, however, is "the real pathetic subhuman is you

"I won't say that" -- proceeds to say exactly that in the very next sentence.

You just can't help yourself, can you?

Again, I ask, if I'm so subhuman, why are you here? What are you getting out of this? Do you ... think you're trolling me? Is it some sort of weak-ass revenge for posting on your Nazi fetish group? Or are you actually dumb enough to believe the things you're saying? Maybe you're just so lonely that you're desperate to talk to someone who hasn't blocked you...

2411660 I can see you're afraid of me saying that. Well, I won't.
What I will say, however, is "the real pathetic subhuman is you, considering that you think that what offends you will offend everyone else." Learn to respect your superiors.

Oh, and you can't cry "double standards!!!1" when you're the one who has a very wishy washy outlook on whether emotions are good or vile. If you don't grow some balls, I win.


I get to do that, while you don't.

I get the feeling that you think this applies to every possible response in an argument.
Really, what do you think this is accomplishing? You're pathetic.

(In before "No, you're pathetic!")

  • Viewing 998 - 1,017 of 1,017
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Too many groups!