• Published 6th Jan 2016
  • 4,217 Views, 2,675 Comments

What If... - TheMajorTechie

A buncha stories based off of random "What if?" questions.

  • ...

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Surprise mid-hiatus update because the author is bored and actually has a tiny bit of free time in the middle of the night again?

"Twilight!" Spike burst, kicking the door open, "Twilight, there's something big happening outside!"

Twilight looked up from her book, staring daggers at her assistant as she set the tome aside. With a sigh, she stretched in her seat, (not so gracefully) tumbling onto the floor in the process.

"C'mon! You need to see this!" Spike continued, helping Twilight up, "It's... uh, very relevant to your interests."

Twilight and Spike stood at the base of a massive, unbelievably tall scroll, of which was magically filling itself with this very narration. Twilight raised a hoof, watching as these words that you are reading at this moment spelled themselves out on the scroll. She raised a quill, and began to write "Will this scroll register my own inputs?" onto its surface, watching as the same text appeared in the same narration as she did so.

Spike quietly slinked away to some random location. Twilight read the previous sentence and turned around to chase down her assistant, who was currently in the act of attempting to pull Pinkie Pie into the scene in an attempt to decipher just how this magical giant scroll containing this chapter worked.

Pinkie Pie rolled up this scroll, blinking a couple times before unfurling it again, reading this chapter from the beginning all the way down to this current string of words that the author is typing. She turned around to see Spike.

"H3ll0 pINK poneR!" Spike drawled before collapsing on his face from exhaustion after being chased.

On the side note, this scroll Pinkie is holding at the moment is the exact same scroll as the giant one previously mentioned, and thus the giant scroll has now ceased to exist because Pinkie is currently reading this word out loud.

"Oh, is that the same scroll as the giant scroll that was previously mentioned in this chapter?" Twilight asked as she caught up to Spike, completely circumventing the fact that she, unlike Pinkie, has yet to read this current portion of the chapter, "Because that giant scroll just barely disappeared."

And thus, this chapter's logic has just gotten a band-aid slapped onto it with that line. Let's have a moment to appreciate Twilight's literary genius.

Pinkie Pie said nothing, and once again read the current line of text as the author typed it out.

"Y'know, this chapter is actually very absurd when you think about it," Spike noted, completely alert again for some reason that shan't be explained as anything more than Magic and Good Feelings.

"Yes," Discord agreed, cloning this text to read for himself. "Yes," Discord agreed, cloning this text to read for himself. "Yes," Discord agreed, cloning this text to read for himself. "Yes," Discord agreed, cloning this text to read for himself. "Yes," Discord agreed, cloning this text to read for himself. "Yes," Discord agreed, cloning this text to read for himself. "Yes," Discord agreed, cloning this text to read for himself. "Yes," Discord agreed, cloning this text to read for himself. "Yes," Discord agreed, cloning this text to read for himself. "Yes," Discord agreed, cloning this text to read for himself. "Yes," Discord agreed, cloning this text to read for himself. "Yes," Discord agreed, cloning this text to read for himself.

"STAHP!" Pinkie Pie screeched with the might of Cthulhu, "You're gonna make the author's head hurt!"

"Yes," Discord agreed, cloning this text to read for himself.

Pinkie Pie pulled out the Infinity Gauntlet and Thanos-snapped away the additional text. In your mind, all of the repeated lines about Discord cloning this text to read for himself has been erased. You're welcome.

Twilight Sparkle "Huh?"-ed in confusion as the scroll suddenly began to glow violently, ominously hovering out of Pinkie Pie's hooves and growing arms, legs and a face as it turned into a living entity.

"Hello there I am the scroll of What Iffingstorn," this text began to drawl in a clearly obvious text-to-speech-y voice, "I have triggered myself to trigger myself to trigger myself to summon my living being into this fitting body for the purpose of instilling horsewords into the minds of both the horses that I see before me and the unseen readers hiding beyond the fourth wall."

"What." deadpanned Starlight Glimmer, who suddenly became relevant to this chapter for no reason other than being cannon fodder for this story's already surreal plot.

"Yes I have come here to make you all more smart like L O L why are you talking to a living scroll that talks with the voice of a screaming pincushion mixed with a blender."

The three mares and the sole dragon that have appeared in this chapter paused to think about exactly what this text had just told them. Little do they know that the previous statement would be negated by this current statement. And so, with the power of narrative tweaking, they are now instead thinking of each other.

"You know, Starlight really should go to Sunset and people stuff again," Twilight suddenly began musing.

"TWILIGHT NEEDS TO GIVE ME MOAR ICE CREEEEAAAAAM!" Spike screamed... for ice cream.

"Spike should stop yelling and read this chapter!" Pinkie squeaked.

"Aw, Twilight got to be the first to think about somepony, just like she was the first to get wings." Starlight mumbled in disappointment.

It was at this very moment that Ponyville, and soon all of Equestria got M.A. Larson-ized. Yes, even this chapter and the words you are currently reading in the form of a (now-anthropomorphized) living scroll is now an alicorn.

This string of text will now prepare you for the climax of this short, absurd little story. You now see a small crack in your scream, beginning at the period preceding this sentence. Though it begins small-- just a hairline crack, really,-- it quickly grows bigger and bigger, before suddenly disappearing entirely for no obvious reason. You do, however, notice a few key changes...

If you are reading this on any iPhone newer than a 6s, you now have a headphone jack, first of all. Also, there's this weird, intangible mist of pink sparkly particles swirling around you that makes it seem like you're in the middle of your own, personal hurricane.

Secondly, alicornized Pinkie Pie just came out of nowhere and turned you into an alicorn. Except you're still human, so that makes things a bit weird for you if you were expecting to become your alicorn OC.

This strange little collection of horsewords follows the previous described events by calmly stepping out of the pink swirly stuff, its hands behind its back as it strolls up to you.

You read my face, and the words currently being typed, for I am still an anthro scroll and there's nothing you can do about that. You continue reading these words, and by the power of narration, I have made you oblivious to the fact that you are about to be tackled by Celestia and dragged by your fingernails to Empress-Supreme-Human-Impersonator Lyra for "inspection".

On the other hand, this string of text, and your primate brain realizing what the previous string of text has just told you, has allowed you to avoid being dragged kicking and screaming, instead allowing you to be dragged with swag.

You sip a cup of orange juice as you pass by a scowling Applejack. Your fingernails are a bit sore, and the pavement underneath you is a bit rough to the bottom, but you nevertheless don a pair of sunglasses you didn't even know you had and enjoy the ride.

And if you aren't enjoying the ride right now, then by the power of narration, boom, you suddenly now are.

You find yourself facing the Goddess Lyra, and myself, the Scroll of What Iffingstorn. Your fingernails are now on fire, but other than that seem to be fine for the moment other than the fact that they are on fire.


Lyra whirls around to read the fact that she has just made multiple misstatements, with the entire previous line being all false.

"Haha!" You laugh after reading the same text off my face, "So I will challenge you to a duel then, Lyra the Eternal!"

Lyra the Universe Shaper laughed a hearty laugh as she snapped her fingers, clones of you quickly rushing to her side with giant serving platters. They lift the lids to reveal Twilight Sparkle, who had since returned to reading a book, Spike, who was suddenly knocked out again, Sunset Shimmer, who was eating her bacon hair, Starlight Glimmer the glimmering starlight pony, and Pinkie Pie, who was conveniently reading out this list out loud because I was facing away from you and therefore outside of this text that you are reading being typed you are blind to my intents and thoughts as an anthropomorphized scroll.


Five seconds pass, and you realize that you still have your fingers, for no matter what power the Great Lyra of Anything and Everything Godly may hold, I, the even Greater Scroll of Narration, hold even greater power.

Lyra proceeds to set this scroll on fire anger, but you see, because of the unfortunate location that she has set the flame, she has just wiped herself out from existence due to accidentally torching only her name from this story.

You only see Lyra's name because that's what your mind wants you to think now. Lyra has ceased to exist on every plane of existence. There is no Lyra. There is only the Scroll of What Iffingstorn.

In a flash, everything appears to revert back to how it was. You are now once again reading me from the comfort of the behind hwall htruof et space, and will absolutely not notice the grammatical garbage fire that was the previous set of words before this one that was caused by an abrupt lag spike while reading this that somehow caused multiple keystrokes to get jumbled.

Congrats, your brain is now mush anyway, and by the power of narration, it shall stay that way.

Author's Note:


Stay in school, kids! :raritywink:

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