• Member Since 21st Feb, 2013
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Officer Hotpants

"Sometimes I'm compelled to evaluate the exact steps that I took to get to where I am in a given moment. Being up at 1:10 AM reading about Fluttershy shitting pudding is now one of those moments."


Goodnight, Big Sexy · 10:32pm Jan 17th, 2014

Princess Molestia and the Ask Princess Molestia blog:
Forever in our hearts and minds.
And beds, should we "forget" to the lock the door at night.

We can but console ourselves with the knowledge that, as we speak, she's molesting Ponies in the sky.

... this isn't rain, is it?

So long, Big Sexy. It was a hell of a trip while it lasted.

Report Officer Hotpants · 609 views ·

You people are crazy. Never change.


Well~ a horse is a horse, of course, of course,
And no one can fuck a horse of course,
That is, of course, unless the horse,
Is small, colorful and talks!

Heretic Hans:

"Can you at least rape me intimately? :duck:"


"Then there are some of us that just, you know, say 'fuck' a lot."


Some people love dicks on everything. Think of it like bacon. :pinkiecrazy:


It's 2015 and I'm reading a story where a man having sex with a sapient transmare is the least weird and objectionable part of the tale.

Sir Hat:

Man...the world is crazy right?

The Sexy Assistant:

It would make me the happiest mother in the world to have you fuck me in the ass. :heart

The Sexy Assistant:

If 4chan is shit. Tumblr is rotting pile of maggot infested offal.

Also with Tumblr they make you eat it, where as 4chan only makes you look at it.

Funny old Japanese man:

What doesn't kill you only makes you gayer.

Mark Whippy:

I have this crazy theory about why wrestling isn't as good as it used to be. I think its because you're no longer a 12 year old kid.


Then, everything changed when the LGBT Nation attacked.


Enough expository banter. It's time we fight like men. And ladies. And ladies who dress like men. For Gilgamesh...IT IS MORPHING TIME!

Now FluttERR

Bring our kittens home

The story of Christmas as told by Ms. LyraAlluse

Tomorrow we celebrate Christmas, the day that our beefy overlord Godzilla rose out of the sea in the year 1400 AD and tried to make friends with the people of Scotland. But the Scottish people couldn't speak Lizard-ese so they scared him away, causing to cry and run back to the sea, flailing his arms as he went.

Later, when the Scottish peoples learned Lizard-ese from the mermaids, they felt bad about teasing Godzilla so they gave him a giant back scratcher as a gift to make up for being dumb. And that is how the tradition of giving gifts was created.

Oh yeah and Romans used to carry out this tradition for Yule or some shiz. But no one cared because the Romans were boring and smelt of old cheese. So the tradition of giving gifts spread all across the world. And people decided that an underpaid fat dude in a red suit should do the job because everyone else was too lazy to do it themselves. And that is how Santa came to be,

So enjoy the tales of Godzilla, the one true sea deity as you open your gifts under the tree tomorrow and spend time with family and friends.

I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Blessed Kwanzaa, and a very happy holiday season. Stay cool everyone.

In case of emergency, make gopherchucks.

The Group Dedicated Family Photo

Left to right, back to front:
Vlade, Flabbergasted, Officer Hotpants, Normal, Chocoloco, Kimba the White Lion, Darcyyanew, Stiggerzz

The best of the best (that I've yet read)

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Ah. Well, you're free to do so but don't expect to see much. It's pretty much just here, Steam, Discord and Derpibooru that you'll find me.

Nope, I was asking so I could follow you on there :derpytongue2:

Nope. I mean I signed up for one once many years ago so that I could see a restricted image but I only used it for, like, a minute and then never logged back in again. Why? Did you manage to stumble upon its dusty husk somehow?

Do you have a Deviantart by any chance dude?


We'll see how this goes. I mostly want to see if I can spruce up the group and get some more activity going on over there. We could use an art group with active admins.

--Sweetie Belle

Just got a response a few minutes ago. They said they'll get in contact with you.

Alright, thanks!

A while to get in touch is fine, I just figured with not being on site since August that I might not be able to get in touch with them at all...

--Sweetie Belle

I've messaged them. Might take a bit to get a response, though.

Sure. It's the Amateur Artists Unite! group. Seems like most of the admins are gone, and I was mostly hoping to pick it up and make it actively admined and hopefully a bit more active. Fimfiction could use a more general place for art and artists than "Art for Fanfiction", and some of the pinned threads are kinda old and rusty.

--Sweetie Belle

They drop by from time to time. If you want to give me the name of the group I can relay the message to them.

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Rare Moments of Accomplishment

A gift to The Group Dedicated

'Twas the night of Christmas and on the Discord,
the lonely chatfags flirted awkwardly, horny and bored.
The girls in the NSFW channel were hung with great pairs,
throbbing shafts on every futa, great horsey cocks on all the mares.
The oldfags were lurking all smug with their posts,
making sniping gibes about sexualities before disappearing like ghosts.
And Papa Soarin in his wheelchair and Mama Flabby in his cap,
had just settled down for game of tickle and slap.
When back in the group there arose such a shitstorm,
that every mod regretted that they'd ever been born.
Away to the forum Soarin rolled like a flash,
while Flabby just grumbled and broke out his hash.

The forums were a battleground straight out of World War 2,
something not seen since the days of that shitposting Lou.
When what should his sad, drooping eyes view
but the memelord Muddy and Jokerhog Darcyyanew.
And behind them an asshole he never again thought to see,
the infamous lost mod, the fallen Trekee.
More angry than 1,000 Jihadis, the fallen one did scream,
as he bitched and he whinged and assembled his team.

"Now Cold Blitz! Now Jenna! Now Stiggerzz and Opium!"
"On Choco! On Kimba! On Foal and Ebony Gryphon!"
"Tear down this hive! The Group Dedicated must fall!"
"Post doc drops, post porn and be sure to report it all!"
And as tumblerinas before the real world scatter,
promising sit-ins and reposts and other shit that doesn't matter,
so out into the group his minions did spread
with grins promising malice and eyes that were dead.

From Cold Blitz, with a cackle, a thread was born,
laden with the darkest of forgotten 4chan porn.
At the summoning of Jenna came a dozen flame wars,
on who would win in a fight: Star Trek or Star Wars.
Darcy rage reviewed badfics by squeakers about boning Luna and Celestia
while Muddy wrote about Eminem in the land of Equestria.
Stiggerzz's intended part in this battle was unknown,
because it was the middle of the afternoon in Australia and he wasn't home.
But Opium made up for his absence as, with glee,
he posted full episodes of My Little Pony.
Choco just posted his thesis on the life lessons of Street Fighter,
while Kimba chased after Sleepy Panda with some hairspray and a lighter.
And Foal and Gryphon, upon their houses a curse,
... they acted as they always did because what could be worse?

"This won't suffice" cried Trekee! "It's time for something drastic!"
He always was a bit of a melodramatic spastic.
But before he could stir the shit further he was knocked on his keester,
by that legend, that Greek god, that ubermensch Meeester!
"I can't even leave when I hear the phone ring,
without coming back to find you idiots recreating Nanking."
Meeester lifted Trekee above his head and threw him out into the cold,
fixed the group with a glare and said "this drama's getting old".
But then his glare broke and a warm smile replaced it.
"But I suppose I'd be out of a job if you stopped starting shit".
"So I got you a little something. It's a bag of adult novetly suckers."
"Don't blow them all in one night. Merry Christmas, horsefuckers."

It's time to recast the the show's voice actors.

According to HerrpFace they need new, more varied accents for the sake of diversity.

Twilight is Scottish.
Rarity is Chinese.
Fluttershy is Canadian.
Rainbow Dash is Australian.
Pinkie Pie is Japanese. Male Japanese.
Applejack is now a cockney
Celestia is now a valley girl.
Luna is Russian.
Cadence is Puerto Rican and speaks only horribly broken English.
Spike doesn't get to speak anymore. Ever. Because fuck Spike. :trixieshiftleft:


EDIT: Big Mac will now have more lines and be voiced by Rob Schneider.

Everything Else

Seven seals, seven rings. seven brides for the Scarlet King.
They gather round the natal bed, the foolish and the wise. They fear the child yet to be born, whose voice shall rend the skies.
The faithful watch the forest for the coming of the King. Their lanterns bright, they wait at night for the new world he shall bring.
The dragon waits in shadows, his breath will scorch the land. The hero in the castle draws his sword and makes his stand.
The princess in the tower is hidden far away. But nothing under heaven can keep The Groom at bay.
They gather round with leering smiles, the soulless and the dead. Though her soul unwinds, the cruelest minds will keep her in her bed.
The potter told his 'prentice to prepare him seven jars. Six he made with grace and skill, the last his hands did mar.
The cretin moon no more is howling, gone its mourning black. In their dreams its face is prowling, come to take them back.
The King is in his courting clothes, the brides are in their beds. The unborn princes wait in sleep to raise their eager heads.
The hens were in the henhouse and seven eggs did lay, till the fox crept in by dark of night and stole the eggs away.
Six were broken by their bindings six no more shall sing. Comes the seventh full unwinding and all the bells will ring.
When the first had given birth, then all the birds did sing. Her screaming cries did shake the skies, as she called out for her King.
By doctor's blade the second bade a life into the world. Untimely hewn neath a silent moon, the King's red flag unfurled.
His bride the third remained unheard, her cries for help ignored. She stopped her life with a surgeon's knife, and gave it to Our Lord.
The fourth prepares a dagger and places it at her heart. The perfect cure cannot make pure what the King has set apart.
The fifth one's crown was bearing down upon the fox's set. The den was sundered with mighty thunder, an apocalypse beget.
On the sixth's day, the walls gave way, and the oceans turned to ash. Her birth gave work, as the earth shook, underneath the King's fell lash.
The seventh bride will break the tides the moon no more will shine. There comes a day not far away she'll birth the death of time.
The doctor never tells his god which one he really seeks. Instead he hides himself away, and quietly, he weeps.
Their god's own voice, he makes the choice, declaring with their word. "In fear and pain let her remain, lest she be like the third."
The doctor's gun ended his run, as he put it to his ear. as she was defiled, the pitied child, he gave it to his fear.
Her memory a fickle thing, the strongest shall endure. When her weeping starts to waver, their drugs make her mind pure.

HerrpFace's awesome gift to yours truly

Officer looked down at the frightened queen in the cell before him, fairly hurt by the image within.

The queen, once a figure who always bore herself to be as strong and resilient as possible, was now sniveling in horror of events to come. Over his years in the Equestrian guard after landing in Equestria, he had seen dozens of murderers, tyrants, and vile creatures awaiting their execution in the cell, satisfied that they would inevitable receive justice.

...Yet for the first time in his life, part of him was in that cell. Every sob echoing in the chamber for once stabbed at his heart.

He slowly approached the cell's bars to get a closer look at the creature whimpering inside. Sure enough, she saw her laying facedown on the bed, a ring around her horn and her face buried in a pillow as she cried. She almost looked like a child that was scolded by a parent.

A few sobs later and she looked up, realizing she was being watched.


"Guards?" Officer called to two stallions perched at the double doors at the end of the hall. "I have some words I'd like to share with the convict." He cringed at using that final word before her, but the guards nodded and exited the room. Many times before, guards would approach inmates to chew them out, often to scare them for harming loved ones.

This time, though, the loved one was alive.

Tears began to escape his eyes as he turned back to the changeling queen.

"Chryssy..." He uttered, sniffing gently. "I'll see what I can do. I-"

"No, it's..." She gulped as she rubbed at her sore eyes. "...It's what I deserve."

"What are you talking about? I can get you out of here! We-"

"Celestia was right, Officer!" She snapped, bitter memories of the trial flooding back. "Everything I've done was for love...but as a weapon. I *hic* used people. I lied to thousands of ponies *sniff* everywhere, broke the hearts of anyone I knew...just for power.

"I'd never paid much mind at first...I'd always seen myself as a parasite, so I didn't care if anyone else did. I was perfectly content with everything I'd done..." She looked up again, her eyes burning red with tears.

"...but then I'd met you."

Officer said nothing, still watching as her words tumbled out.

"...even then, I tried to use you. I saw you as little more than a meal. But as time went on, and I got to know you more, I...I felt something. It was small at first, but it grew. I was confused, but then I started to feel for you. When you were happy...I started to feel happy. When you were sad, I felt just as well. I couldn't understand why I'd felt this way, but then it hit me."

Officer knew what she was going to say, but stayed silent.

"I loved you."

Silence ruled for a few seconds.

"...but then I was scared. I knew you knew me from this 'show' you talk about, and you'd probably try to apprehend me if word ever got out. I had to lie to you and myself everyday to continue.

"...so what was it, Officer?"

"What?" He asked, confused. "What are you talking about?"

The queen slowly rose to her hooves and trudged toward the cell bars. Thankfully, the chain around her neck was long enough to let her approach the bars.

"...Why did you stay with me?"

He hesitated, struggling to find the answer himself.

"Well...It was just that everytime I've met you, there was always...a spark. Cliche, yeah, but I felt something from you. I loved you, and something came back...but it wasn't dark, or synthetic...it was pure. It was pure love." The memory of her confession came back, deep within the Everfree forest. He was confused as to why he was asked to come out at that time of night, but he was happy to see the paprika-colored unicorn creep out from the trees.

He remembered the despondent look on her face...him asking her what was wrong...how she guiltily looked down at the ground...how she closed her eyes as the green flames swirled around her...

...and the agonizing moment of silence that followed shortly after, without her opening her eyes or even lifting her head.

"Officer..." She whimpered. "I'm so, so sorry..."

Horrified, he ran. He ran into the fog of trees behind him, tears streaming from his eyes as he tried to drown out the sobs of the changeling behind.

"...I remember when you revealed yourself to me...I remember how scared and hurt I was, and how I had half the mind to turn you in to the authorities..."

"...So what was it?"

"...the note."

Dearest Officer Hot-Pants,

If you are reading this, then it means I've shown you my true colors. I understand if you hold this against me for the rest of your life, if you try to tell Celestia everything, or if you throw this paper in the first fire you see without any regard for what it says.

...but I write this not to ask for your forgiveness, but because I want you to know that I'm so sorry for all I've put you through. Any moment I'd seen you as a pawn now brings me such pain that I couldn't bear to live as long as I had the "gift" I'd used to manipulate you.

...but even then, you helped me. You helped me feel true love. It wasn't the satisfaction of gaining someone's upper hand...it was beautiful. I truly loved you back.

Every conversation we've had after I'd realized this felt like so much more. Everytime you smiled, part of my heart did as well. But the worst part of it all was that you trusted me when I had the gall to lie to you every day I'd known you.

So today, I've decided to fess up. If you want to tell the royal guards where I am, just say the Everfree Forest. I won't hide anywhere discrete.

Please don't look back on me, as you deserve much more.

Queen Chrysalis

"And after reading that...I remembered the day we'd met. I remember those headaches I've had three weeks after." The Queen bowed her head in pure shame at the mentioning.

"...but then I remembered that talks we've had after they subsided. I remember that smile you had when we were together, the sparkle in your eyes when you'd see me...I was still shocked and scared...but I could feel that there was something more to you.

"So I decided to find you, to talk to your true self, to see if you were honest. When I found you, and we started to talk...I knew."

Chrysalis, for the first time in many days, cracked a small smile.

"I remember the times we'd spend together, the talks we had again...it started as a friendship, but it once again flourished into love...I remember the day I said I loved you again." They both smiled warmly at the memory, but their smiles almost simultaneously fell as the following night came back to them.

For him, it was in words.

"Sir Hot-Pants! Queen Chrysalis has been found in the Everfree forest!"

For the third time, they said absolutely nothing.

"...Chrysalis, please...let me help you. I can break you out, I ca-"

"No, Officer. If you break me out, you'll be hunted as well. I know our love has no bounds, but the things I've done to so many others can't go unmentioned. That's why I surrendered...I finally found the weight of what I'd done to so many others..."

"Chrysalis..." the tears now flowed without restraint. "Please..."

Chrysalis said nothing as her tears were rejuvenated. A few mirth whimpers escaped her mouth that erupted into sobs. Unable to maintain his composure any longer, he reached through the bars and held her in his arms, as she did the same. The two tightly held onto one another as they bawled into each other's shoulders through the last few minutes they'd have together, their cries echoing against the dank walls of the dungeon, which further deepened the surrounding them.

Finally, with considerable willpower, the two slowly separated and gazed into each others eyes. Despite the red, sore aura within them, that little spark still managed to peek through.

"...Goodbye, Officer..."

"...Goodbye, Chrysalis..."

Ignorant to their gaze, three loud knocks on the door brought them out of their trance. Officer looked back at Chrysalis one last time and slowly, trying to linger his gaze on her as much as possible, turned his back to the door.



"...come in."

The doors behind him creaked open, and the sound of hooves on stone came near, their owners opening the door to the cell next to him..

"You okay, Hot-Pants?"

"Yeah." He said emotionlessly, not bothering to see the pony's reaction.

After a few clanks of the chain around her neck, the hoofsteps began to trail away in the other direction, and he slowly turned his head to see the three equines heading for the door, the changeling towering over the guards flanking her. She turned her head as well, sharing one last look at him before the doors shut behind her.

...and then he was alone.


-John Travolta & Daring Do.
-Morgan Freeman & Celestia.
-Chris Tucker & Fluttershy.
-Bob Marley & Big Mac (the longest drawn out "eeyup" you will ever hear).
-(90s) Robin Williams & Pinkie Pie.
-Adam Sandler & Twilight Sparkle.
-Pamela Anderson & Fleur De Lis
-Tim Allen & Rainbow Dash.
-Christopher Titus & Lyra (the stories he could tell her).
-Tommy Lee Jones & Luna.
-Clint Eastwood & Applejack.

You're often found diving into a book or spending hours working on that project of yours. It's important that you put in as much of an effort learning as possible so your knowledge will someday come in handy. Because of this, you may sometimes be skeptical of things that you don't have any proof of. While you tend to be booksmart as opposed to streetsmart, you also tend to be a tad socially awkward, not always sure how well you fit in with your friends or maybe not even having a lot of them in the first place, but you're still a solid friend when it comes down to it and would be there to help any of them with their problems. Even though you may be talented, you're the total opposite of a showoff, shying away from bragging or even talking about your talents. You don't want the world to think you're a braggart, after all. You're quite humble and modest, but you're also looking for acceptance and praise for your talents.

My own little tribute to the ever wonderful Conversion Bureau *ahem*

Ven der Princess says "Ve is der master race"
Ve HEIL! *pfft!* HEIL! *pfft!* Right in der Princess' face
Not to luff der Princess is a great disgrace
So ve HEIL! *pfft!* HEIL! *pfft!* Right in der Princess' face
Ven Herr Shining Armor says "ve'll convert der Human race,"
Ve HEIL! *pfft!* HEIL! *pfft!* Right in Herr Armor's face
Ven Fraulein Spitfire says "Der bombs will never reach dis place"
Ve HEIL! *pfft!* HEIL! *pfft!* Right in der fraulein's face

Is ve not der superior race?
Harmonious and pure super race?
Ja! Ve is der superior race!
Harmonious and pure super race!
Is der Pony land so goot?
Vould you leave it if you could?
Ja! Dis Pony land is goot!
Ve vouldn't leave it if ve could!
Ve bring der human world harmony!
Heil Celestia's harmony!
Evry'pony of foreign race
Vill luff der Princess' face
Ven ve bring to der world dis harmony!

The best damn pep talk I've ever heard.
(The original post.)

Oh, Bad Seed, Seeing you like this is...


You know what? No, I'm done with this. Badsy, I love you, you know this, so it's time for some tough love. People can downvote this comment all they want. My Give-a-Fuck-o-Meter is all tapped out. This needs to be said.

*grabs Drill Sergeant hat from the closet, blows the dust off it, and dons*

Next time you see something like this, here's what you need to do: go to Home Depot, buy some Quik-Crete, swallow it, and harden the fuck up. Get yourself a straw, and suck it the fuck up. Grab your fucking sack... wait, that doesn't work... well, grab your fucking ovaries, or your tits, or whatever you need to, cowgirl the fuck up, and drive on.


Fuck 'em! Fuck them up the ass with a rusty steel dildo sideways with no lube after feeding them nothing but cabbage, broccoli, and Pabst Blue Ribbon for a fucking week so that the entire area will be one big bloody, rusty, shitty mess just like their fucking brains!

Goddammit, every time you do this you're letting them win! Every time you think of backing down, or "leaving the fandom," you are letting them take just a bit more ground in a fight we can't afford to lose. You are one of the best writers in this fandom. Your stories are touching, poignant, cute, and hilarious. Reality Check is a massive chode-smoker who writes fluffy stories about popular characters that aren't even his! There is no comparison whatsoever! This is a guy who tries to quote science to support his hateful world-view while at the same time trying to claim that, while the universe is billions of years old, the Earth is only 6,000 years old due to relativity!

Image: https://derpicdn.net/img/2013/11/26/481925/medium.gif

I swear to Christ, I am so sick of hearing about this asshole. Every time I see his stories in the feature box—where they stay for maybe a few hours before getting kicked out, whereas yours stay for weeks on end—I feel this bubbling in my gut like I just a five bowls of my Dad's chili. I just want to grab a steel girder, weld Romans 13:8-10 on it, and beat his face in until the little troll inside falls out so I can shove it down the business end of a light socket.

You are better than this, Badsy! You write meaningful stories that touch people. Your sense of humor is second-to-none. Letting smug anal stains like this guy and his ilk get to you is beneath you. I don't want to hear anymore of this "leaving the fandom" nonsense from you. What does that even mean?! Are you going to stop liking a show because of the small percentage of its fans that couldn't pass a Turing Test if you shoved all of Littlepip's Party Time Mint-ails down their throats and kicked them in the chest? Or, are you going to stop doing what you love—writing stories about characters you love—because of the skid marks in the fandom's panties? Because I swear to German Jesus Christ on a cracker, I will buttfuck your soul so hard it will qualify for citizenship in San Fransisco if you deprived this fandom of some of the best stories it can hope for because some sewage-spewing sack of Siberian sheep shit got his Underoo's in a twist when someone posted a cute picture on Twitter!

I love you, Badsy. I love you like RC's momma loved lead house paint. Please step back from the curb, take a deep breath, and un-ass this AO of stupidity.

And to Mr. Reality Check, should he ever read this comment:

You, sir, are everything that is wrong with Christianity and conservatism. I will admit that Nightmare Night & Nyx is one of my favorite comedies on this site, but I just can't bring myself to enjoy anymore of your work. People don't hate you because you have unpopular opinions; they hate you because you're a massive tool. As a fellow Christian, I love you like a brother, but I pray for you. Maybe someday you can approach His word with a heart of love instead of hate. But until that day, I humbly and respectfully invite you to tongue-punch my fart box.

Hugs 'n kisses,

Jake The Army Guy

Quillian Inkheart made me a thingy.

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