A gift to The Group Dedicated

'Twas the night of Christmas and on the Discord,
the lonely chatfags flirted awkwardly, horny and bored.
The girls in the NSFW channel were hung with great pairs,
throbbing shafts on every futa, great horsey cocks on all the mares.
The oldfags were lurking all smug with their posts,
making sniping gibes about sexualities before disappearing like ghosts.
And Papa Soarin in his wheelchair and Mama Flabby in his cap,
had just settled down for game of tickle and slap.
When back in the group there arose such a shitstorm,
that every mod regretted that they'd ever been born.
Away to the forum Soarin rolled like a flash,
while Flabby just grumbled and broke out his hash.

The forums were a battleground straight out of World War 2,
something not seen since the days of that shitposting Lou.
When what should his sad, drooping eyes view
but the memelord Muddy and Jokerhog Darcyyanew.
And behind them an asshole he never again thought to see,
the infamous lost mod, the fallen Trekee.
More angry than 1,000 Jihadis, the fallen one did scream,
as he bitched and he whinged and assembled his team.

"Now Cold Blitz! Now Jenna! Now Stiggerzz and Opium!"
"On Choco! On Kimba! On Foal and Ebony Gryphon!"
"Tear down this hive! The Group Dedicated must fall!"
"Post doc drops, post porn and be sure to report it all!"
And as tumblerinas before the real world scatter,
promising sit-ins and reposts and other shit that doesn't matter,
so out into the group his minions did spread
with grins promising malice and eyes that were dead.

From Cold Blitz, with a cackle, a thread was born,
laden with the darkest of forgotten 4chan porn.
At the summoning of Jenna came a dozen flame wars,
on who would win in a fight: Star Trek or Star Wars.
Darcy rage reviewed badfics by squeakers about boning Luna and Celestia
while Muddy wrote about Eminem in the land of Equestria.
Stiggerzz's intended part in this battle was unknown,
because it was the middle of the afternoon in Australia and he wasn't home.
But Opium made up for his absence as, with glee,
he posted full episodes of My Little Pony.
Choco just posted his thesis on the life lessons of Street Fighter,
while Kimba chased after Sleepy Panda with some hairspray and a lighter.
And Foal and Gryphon, upon their houses a curse,
... they acted as they always did because what could be worse?

"This won't suffice" cried Trekee! "It's time for something drastic!"
He always was a bit of a melodramatic spastic.
But before he could stir the shit further he was knocked on his keester,
by that legend, that Greek god, that ubermensch Meeester!
"I can't even leave when I hear the phone ring,
without coming back to find you idiots recreating Nanking."
Meeester lifted Trekee above his head and threw him out into the cold,
fixed the group with a glare and said "this drama's getting old".
But then his glare broke and a warm smile replaced it.
"But I suppose I'd be out of a job if you stopped starting shit".
"So I got you a little something. It's a bag of adult novetly suckers."
"Don't blow them all in one night. Merry Christmas, horsefuckers."

It's time to recast the the show's voice actors.

According to HerrpFace they need new, more varied accents for the sake of diversity.

Twilight is Scottish.
Rarity is Chinese.
Fluttershy is Canadian.
Rainbow Dash is Australian.
Pinkie Pie is Japanese. Male Japanese.
Applejack is now a cockney
Celestia is now a valley girl.
Luna is Russian.
Cadence is Puerto Rican and speaks only horribly broken English.
Spike doesn't get to speak anymore. Ever. Because fuck Spike.

.

EDIT: Big Mac will now have more lines and be voiced by Rob Schneider.

HerrpFace's awesome gift to yours truly

Officer looked down at the frightened queen in the cell before him, fairly hurt by the image within.

The queen, once a figure who always bore herself to be as strong and resilient as possible, was now sniveling in horror of events to come. Over his years in the Equestrian guard after landing in Equestria, he had seen dozens of murderers, tyrants, and vile creatures awaiting their execution in the cell, satisfied that they would inevitable receive justice.

...Yet for the first time in his life, part of him was in that cell. Every sob echoing in the chamber for once stabbed at his heart.

He slowly approached the cell's bars to get a closer look at the creature whimpering inside. Sure enough, she saw her laying facedown on the bed, a ring around her horn and her face buried in a pillow as she cried. She almost looked like a child that was scolded by a parent.

A few sobs later and she looked up, realizing she was being watched.

"*sniff*...Officer...*sob*..."

"Guards?" Officer called to two stallions perched at the double doors at the end of the hall. "I have some words I'd like to share with the convict." He cringed at using that final word before her, but the guards nodded and exited the room. Many times before, guards would approach inmates to chew them out, often to scare them for harming loved ones.

This time, though, the loved one was alive.

Tears began to escape his eyes as he turned back to the changeling queen.

"Chryssy..." He uttered, sniffing gently. "I'll see what I can do. I-"

"No, it's..." She gulped as she rubbed at her sore eyes. "...It's what I deserve."

"What are you talking about? I can get you out of here! We-"

"Celestia was right, Officer!" She snapped, bitter memories of the trial flooding back. "Everything I've done was for love...but as a weapon. I *hic* used people. I lied to thousands of ponies *sniff* everywhere, broke the hearts of anyone I knew...just for power.

"I'd never paid much mind at first...I'd always seen myself as a parasite, so I didn't care if anyone else did. I was perfectly content with everything I'd done..." She looked up again, her eyes burning red with tears.

"...but then I'd met you."

Officer said nothing, still watching as her words tumbled out.

"...even then, I tried to use you. I saw you as little more than a meal. But as time went on, and I got to know you more, I...I felt something. It was small at first, but it grew. I was confused, but then I started to feel for you. When you were happy...I started to feel happy. When you were sad, I felt just as well. I couldn't understand why I'd felt this way, but then it hit me."

Officer knew what she was going to say, but stayed silent.

"I loved you."

Silence ruled for a few seconds.

"...but then I was scared. I knew you knew me from this 'show' you talk about, and you'd probably try to apprehend me if word ever got out. I had to lie to you and myself everyday to continue.

"...so what was it, Officer?"

"What?" He asked, confused. "What are you talking about?"

The queen slowly rose to her hooves and trudged toward the cell bars. Thankfully, the chain around her neck was long enough to let her approach the bars.

"...Why did you stay with me?"

He hesitated, struggling to find the answer himself.

"Well...It was just that everytime I've met you, there was always...a spark. Cliche, yeah, but I felt something from you. I loved you, and something came back...but it wasn't dark, or synthetic...it was pure. It was pure love." The memory of her confession came back, deep within the Everfree forest. He was confused as to why he was asked to come out at that time of night, but he was happy to see the paprika-colored unicorn creep out from the trees.

He remembered the despondent look on her face...him asking her what was wrong...how she guiltily looked down at the ground...how she closed her eyes as the green flames swirled around her...

...and the agonizing moment of silence that followed shortly after, without her opening her eyes or even lifting her head.

"Officer..." She whimpered. "I'm so, so sorry..."

Horrified, he ran. He ran into the fog of trees behind him, tears streaming from his eyes as he tried to drown out the sobs of the changeling behind.

"...I remember when you revealed yourself to me...I remember how scared and hurt I was, and how I had half the mind to turn you in to the authorities..."

"...So what was it?"

"...the note."

Dearest Officer Hot-Pants,

If you are reading this, then it means I've shown you my true colors. I understand if you hold this against me for the rest of your life, if you try to tell Celestia everything, or if you throw this paper in the first fire you see without any regard for what it says.

...but I write this not to ask for your forgiveness, but because I want you to know that I'm so sorry for all I've put you through. Any moment I'd seen you as a pawn now brings me such pain that I couldn't bear to live as long as I had the "gift" I'd used to manipulate you.

...but even then, you helped me. You helped me feel true love. It wasn't the satisfaction of gaining someone's upper hand...it was beautiful. I truly loved you back.

Every conversation we've had after I'd realized this felt like so much more. Everytime you smiled, part of my heart did as well. But the worst part of it all was that you trusted me when I had the gall to lie to you every day I'd known you.

So today, I've decided to fess up. If you want to tell the royal guards where I am, just say the Everfree Forest. I won't hide anywhere discrete.

Please don't look back on me, as you deserve much more.

Queen Chrysalis

"And after reading that...I remembered the day we'd met. I remember those headaches I've had three weeks after." The Queen bowed her head in pure shame at the mentioning.

"...but then I remembered that talks we've had after they subsided. I remember that smile you had when we were together, the sparkle in your eyes when you'd see me...I was still shocked and scared...but I could feel that there was something more to you.

"So I decided to find you, to talk to your true self, to see if you were honest. When I found you, and we started to talk...I knew."

Chrysalis, for the first time in many days, cracked a small smile.

"I remember the times we'd spend together, the talks we had again...it started as a friendship, but it once again flourished into love...I remember the day I said I loved you again." They both smiled warmly at the memory, but their smiles almost simultaneously fell as the following night came back to them.

For him, it was in words.

"Sir Hot-Pants! Queen Chrysalis has been found in the Everfree forest!"

For the third time, they said absolutely nothing.

"...Chrysalis, please...let me help you. I can break you out, I ca-"

"No, Officer. If you break me out, you'll be hunted as well. I know our love has no bounds, but the things I've done to so many others can't go unmentioned. That's why I surrendered...I finally found the weight of what I'd done to so many others..."

"Chrysalis..." the tears now flowed without restraint. "Please..."

Chrysalis said nothing as her tears were rejuvenated. A few mirth whimpers escaped her mouth that erupted into sobs. Unable to maintain his composure any longer, he reached through the bars and held her in his arms, as she did the same. The two tightly held onto one another as they bawled into each other's shoulders through the last few minutes they'd have together, their cries echoing against the dank walls of the dungeon, which further deepened the surrounding them.

Finally, with considerable willpower, the two slowly separated and gazed into each others eyes. Despite the red, sore aura within them, that little spark still managed to peek through.

"...Goodbye, Officer..."

"...Goodbye, Chrysalis..."

Ignorant to their gaze, three loud knocks on the door brought them out of their trance. Officer looked back at Chrysalis one last time and slowly, trying to linger his gaze on her as much as possible, turned his back to the door.

"..."

"..."

"...come in."

The doors behind him creaked open, and the sound of hooves on stone came near, their owners opening the door to the cell next to him..

"You okay, Hot-Pants?"

"Yeah." He said emotionlessly, not bothering to see the pony's reaction.

After a few clanks of the chain around her neck, the hoofsteps began to trail away in the other direction, and he slowly turned his head to see the three equines heading for the door, the changeling towering over the guards flanking her. She turned her head as well, sharing one last look at him before the doors shut behind her.

...and then he was alone.

My own little tribute to the ever wonderful Conversion Bureau *ahem*

Ven der Princess says "Ve is der master race"
Ve HEIL! *pfft!* HEIL! *pfft!* Right in der Princess' face
Not to luff der Princess is a great disgrace
So ve HEIL! *pfft!* HEIL! *pfft!* Right in der Princess' face
Ven Herr Shining Armor says "ve'll convert der Human race,"
Ve HEIL! *pfft!* HEIL! *pfft!* Right in Herr Armor's face
Ven Fraulein Spitfire says "Der bombs will never reach dis place"
Ve HEIL! *pfft!* HEIL! *pfft!* Right in der fraulein's face

Is ve not der superior race?
Harmonious and pure super race?
Ja! Ve is der superior race!
Harmonious and pure super race!
Is der Pony land so goot?
Vould you leave it if you could?
Ja! Dis Pony land is goot!
Ve vouldn't leave it if ve could!
Ve bring der human world harmony!
Heil Celestia's harmony!
Evry'pony of foreign race
Vill luff der Princess' face
Ven ve bring to der world dis harmony!

Quillian Inkheart made me a thingy.