• Published 21st Oct 2017
  • 10,516 Views, 2,803 Comments

Dadonequus Discord (Book 1) - CrazedLaughter



Discord makes a deal with an anonymous human. The human gets to live a good life in Equestria. And Discord? he gets to have a son of his own. Of course, his only reason is to impress Fluttershy and annoy Twilight.

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Chapter 127

As you sleep in the safety of your own mind. You start to hear loud obnoxious noises, cheering, creaking, it's really distracting.

You can then hear Discord's voice calling for you.
"Oh Anon...Annnoonn...Annnnnnnnnnnnooooonnn. Wakey wakey for some eggs and bacey."

ugh, all that noise. this was a ridiculous dream you were having.

Then you hear it, a loud thunderous squawk. And then laughter.

The fuck?

You slowly open your eyes, and as you do. you lose balance and slam your face on a table.

earliest head slam you’ve had to deal with yet. Even faster than your own bed flinging you into a wall.

Which is funny, because as you lifted your head to groan and rub it. You noticed you weren't on your bed. You weren't even in your house.

You took a moment to look around. You were surrounded by griffons who were either keeping to themselves, armwrestling, drinking what appears to be cider, making merry, or arguing with each other. What the fuck? you were in some sort of bar...and it stunk. You could smell a bevy of horrid odors in the air.

And in front of you. with a slick grin. Was Discord, in his pony form. "Good morning Anon, I hope you don't mind the noise...or the smell...or our company. But I thought this would be a great place to grab some breakfast."

You don't say anything at first. you needed time to take in the foreign scenery.
"Where are we? Are we in Griffonstone? Why are we in Griffonstone?"

"Actually we're in a seedy part of Phillydelphia. A bar that is home to the toughest griffons around. But hey, if you want to generalize everything just because they are griffons that's fine by me. So, I guess you would be referring to their kingdom as....ahhh..what was the word?....a...hmm..ahh yes...a shithole?"

You cringe, and look around. Looked like nobody heard him, they were already busy being loud and obnoxious.
"...do you mind?..ugh...why are we even here? I have school, remember?"

"You have plenty of time, as for why you're here..." Discord doesn't say anything more as he looks over behind you.

"Discord?...you gonna finish that sentence?"





He says nothing. which makes you curious enough to look over behind you. And holy shit, there was a burly looking Griffon walking right towards the both of you. balancing plates on her head,back, and even at the tip of her tail. Despite being burly, her head bandana and eye shadow made it apparent enough that she was a girl. She had a brown feathered head with a curled sharp beak. Her coat being black. It wasn't a very pleasing combination of colors.

You feel a little meek as she steps over to the both of you and slides a plate to you and Discord. "Glob-o-everymeat to the big spender and some burgers for his runt....."

oh geez. Discord's plate just had a glob of...what looked like a mishmash of...things.

Your burgers though. They looked ok, they were actually pretty big and...good looking. But....you wondered what kind of meat was used to make it.

The griffon holds her talons out in front of Discord, in which Discord just stares at it. Not knowing on what to do.

And as you looked up, the griffon looked like she was getting impatient.

"Tip her."

"What?" Discord asked, not knowing what a "tip" was.

"Ya heard the runt, give me some bits." The griffon opened and closed her talons "sheesh, big spender to get in here but ya ain't gonna tip your waitress?" the griffon let's out a sigh of disgust "Ponies, I swear"

"Now why would I give you money? Isn't it your job to bring us our food?" Discord asked

You smack your hoof to your forehead. ahh geez.
"Dad, tipping is when you give your hostess or host some money for their service. Generally around fifteen percent of the amount you paid for the food. Though, you don't tip if they did pretty bad."

Then the griffon slammed her talons onto the table in anger. "Only fifteen?! ya listen here you runtfaced weasel. I did ya both an excellent service, the best around. And if you are thinking I'm stepping away with anything less than thirty percent then I'm gonna throw the both of ya out myself. I don't care that you’re a kid. You got me?"

Geez christ. why the fuck did Discord choose this place?! why even eat here?! what the hell was the point?!

Discord rolls his eyes and materializes a bag of bits using his "horn". "I'll pay you double if you apologize to my son for calling him a runtfaced weasel. Otherwise, there's going to be trouble."

The Griffon takes a bit out the bag and bites it with her beak. "huh....real. Sorry mac, ya want an apology. It's gonna have to be triple. We don't apologize here. Not unless ya pay big."

"....just do it. You know you have the money. Just give it to her and let's eat our..."
You look at the burger and tap it....no reaction. good
"meal"


Discord wasn't having it though. "If you think I'm going to let this slide then you've got another thing coming. Don't you want to make her sorry for calling you a runtfaced weasel? That's worth more than ten times the amount of bits I think"

"I'm gonna take that as a no then.." The griffon hostess raises her talons and spits on them, then rubs them together as she clenches her right talons like a fist. "Ya asked for it buddy!"

Discord just sits there smiling as the griffon actually takes the shot at his face.

Though, it being Discord. He didn't even flinch as it made contact. The griffon put so much power into her punch she wasn't expecting her talons to quake and shudder as pain shoots up into her brain; making her fall backwards. All the food she was expertly carrying around falling and smacking into the other patrons.

...oh joy.

Discord yawns, sits down, and goes to eating his meal quietly as the griffons that got hit by the food start blaming one another. and instantly, scaringly instantly. a brawl breaks out.

"Discord!.."
You duck as two griffons fly overhead, one tackling the other onto a table.
"Discord, why!?"

"Because she was rude, Anon..." He takes a bite, chews slowly, then swallows "Because she was rude"

"Can we atleast go so-"

Suddenly, another griffon gets tossed onto your table. Sending your food upwards and then down onto the griffon's face. Discord's food...stayed exactly in place...in mid air.
"Well, that's unfortunate. I paid good money for that mouse burger"

"WHAT?! YOU WERE GOING TO LET ME EAT MOUSE?!..WOAH!"
You duck as a griffon with a bucket on his head starts swinging randomly near you.
"Screw it, I'm out!"

There was courage, there was standing up for yourself, but this was just madness. and you just fucking woke up.
You duck down low to the ground and start crawling away. Looking for the door.

You go looking for the door, ducking and even rolling away from the brawls going on. You weren't even trying to figure out why Discord let this happen. He could have just paid the damn tip. or better yet. not brought you here.

you hide under a stool as you take another look around and see...THE DOOR! It was over yonder. But there were about six griffons beating on eachother near it. Dammit.
You look over to Discord, who was casually weaving himself and his food about while eating. Dodging incoming griffons and blows.

whatever, fuck it. You rush over to the door, ready to escape this madhouse.

And right when you were about to reach it, a griffon misses his mark and slugs you right in the face. Sending you backwards, sliding along the ground until you hit Discords seat; Even knocking it away.He resumes his position however, eating, enjoying his food slowly.

"U-ugh..."
You look up at Discord, and ask him, while in a daze.
"Why?...isn't this enough? What's the point?"

Discord wipes his mouth with a handkerchief, then looks down at you "Hmm, what? Oh, hello Anon. I thought you were leaving. Rude really, I wanted to discuss something with you."

....that's....it
THATS IT!
"YOU PIECE OF SHIT, FIRST YOU TRY TO DEFEND ME, THEN I GET SMACKED AND YOU CALL ME RUDE?! THAT'S IT! I'M FUCKING DONE!"
You feel oddly revigored by pure rage as you grab Discord's chair and and slam it....right through him. and into the back of a Griffon's head. Knocking him clean out.

Whatever, good. maybe if that hostess wasn't a bitch at the start then this wouldn't have started either.

You see another griffon blindly coming towards you. Whether he was going after you specifically or not. You didn't care. You get up on your back legs to spin and throw the chair right into his feet. Tripping him up and making him slide across the ground.
"COME ON! WHO WANTS SOME! I'M GONNA SHOW YOU ALL! I FUCKING SWEAR!"

and while the other griffons were to busy pummeling each other to pay attention to your cry. The hostess from before starts to get back up. Recovered from falling. And ready for round two. "Show us all huh? Well kid, show me then. Because after I tear ya apart. I'm gonna tear up yer dad!"

you piece of shit. YOU PIECE OF SHIT!
You turn to her with pure rage in your eyes. Looking up at her. She was much taller than you. but at this moment. you didn't care.
"You...you want a tip huh? I'll give you a tip all right..."

You run and slide right under the griffon. And do the dirtiest play you can. You pick up a piece of broken chair and slam it right into her exposed pussy. Making her scream in pain as if she had been hit in her nonexistant balls. She fell over, and blacked out.

That's right...THAT'S RIGHT!
You climb on top of her fallen form, and cry out, in a mighty yell.
"COME ON! I'LL TAKE ON ALL OF YOU. ALLLLL OFFF YOOOUUUUU!"
you were breathing hard. But as you looked around. All the patrons had already beat each other into unconsciousness. The only ones left standing was you, Discord, and the barkeep. Who was just spitting into a glass and cleaning it, calmly. He gave no shits.



"Good show Anon, You did barely anything in this fight but knock out two, maybe three griffons? I was hoping for more. But this will suffice, especially with how brutally you took out the last one." Discord said as he finished his meal.

But you were still upset.
"Why?! Why would you even do this to me? We could have had breakfast at home, at Fluttershy's, hell Ponyville has a diner. So why here?! Answer me Discord, or I'll find your nuts and hit them so damn hard."

Discord uses his magic to set the table and your chair back up. Then smiles at you "You do and I'll make sure you can never find yours again. Now, if you'd sit down. I have something serious I want to talk about."

Ok then...
"Give me a second, I'm still angry.."
You look down at the hostess you were standing on and gave her a swift stomp. Then, like a cat, rubbed your hooves backwards until you felt satisfied with yourself. Then you hopped off. And got on your chair.

"Feeling better? You really got angry there. I was almost worried." Discord said as he put your burger back on the table. a small brush appearing to clean up the dirt and dust. Then Discord looked over to the barkeep. "Hey! Can we get some drinks over here?"

You look back and notice the barkeep. Then you look back at Discord. You were sure he wasn't gonna do jack shit since the place got trashed.
"Discord..I don't think.."

But before you could finish. The Barkeep came over and dropped an odd apple cider bottle to Discord and a large cup of water for you. With ice.

Discord, without having to wait for the barkeep to open his talons for money, tosses him the bag of bits meant for the hostess. It was even bigger than before too. The hell? "There you are, I think this will more than cover the drinks. And thank you for being patient with us. We'll be vacating shortly."

The barkeep says nothing, takes the bag, and walks back to the bar.

"Well, you responded to me threatening to counter your threat. Still angry there sport?" Discord chuckles. "Or did it not register yet?"

You were angry, none of this seemed right. You were in a bar of beat up griffons. And you were just...so angry. Maybe it's because you just woke up to this. But damn, you felt like you were getting super pushed around.
"I know you won't do it. Because you know I'm not gonna actually hit you."

You sigh, and try to relax. No way you were going to eat the burger.

Discord looks to the hostess. "Well she didn't know that, ohhh...can't imagine how painful that was. Or how it's going to be. The splinters are probably going to be the worst part. But I digress. I wanted to have little chat about our plans for tomorrow."

"were they that important..or that unimportant that a whole bar fight had to start because you couldn't tip with your unlimited cash?"

Discord smirked at you "What do you think?"

"...right...you don't care. I don't even know why I'm upset anymore. You know what? I'm really not because I just stuck a piece of chair up a griffon's vagina and I feel great....."
You repeat yourself
"I just shoved a piece of....christ. even in this fantasy world of friendship and harmony, that just doesn't sound right. But fuck it, I did it. And you know what. I feel good. I feel fucking good. Sick of losing fights, I won one, and you see that!"
You point to the fallen hostess. "That's victory! That's me not being a pussy! That's me shoving it right into the pussy! So how about that?! huh! HUH!"

Yeah, you were out of your mind from this. You had so much adrenaline pumping through you that it was just pure....
You look at the burger again, you just take it, and start munching it like crazy. damned be it mouse or not.

Discord just watched as you eat your food at a furious rate. When you’re done, you slam your plate on the table and let out a belch.
"YEAH! YEAAAAH!......holy shit...what's wrong with me?! I feel so pumped! I feel I can take on the world! And I like it!...no..wait..no...I don't like it! But I do! I..."
You leer over to Discord
"...what did you do to me?"

Discord shrugged "Oh nothing, just experimenting with your inner body. Adrenaline and the like. I always found it a shame how you panic and lost the last few fights you were in. So I wanted to see what happened if you got into a little fight of my creation. and eh, I expected better. But I guess that little body of yours can only do so much."

"WHAT?! YOU MESSED WITH MY INNER ME!? I SHOULD HIT YOU RIGHT NOW! DAMNED BE THAT INVINCIBILITY OF YOURS! WHY WOULD YOU EVEN DO THIS TO ME?! WHAT WAS THE POINT?!" You slam your hoof down on the table "TELL ME!"

"I just did. Now then, now that the games are over. Time for business. Anon, what do you know about...Nightmare Night?" Discord asks as he materializes a cider bottle in his hoof and takes a swig.

You felt like benchpressing something. You felt like getting into more fights. You were nearing berserker state. You were trying to relax, you looked Discord dead in the eyes.
"You mind stopping whatever you're doing? I feel like breaking heads. It won't stop"

"Are you sure? You might not like the feeling"

"Do it, I don't like it anymore. I feel like busting a lot of heads right now. To be on top."

Discord clapped his hooves together "ok, but don't say I didn't warn you."


You feel your uber rage and anger immediately leave you, as well as your upped strength. You fall over, slam your head on the table,and fall to the floor.

Discord gets off his chair, and walks over to look down on you. "And by not like it, I meant you were probably going to incur another injury. It is a good thing however that your head seems stronger than the strongest metals in Equestria, isn't it?"

"My head....."
You couldn't get up, you suddenly felt so weak.
"I...can't believe you did that.messing with my body like that....that's low...even for you.."

"Oh relax Anon, you would have gone back to normal eventually. Besides, I didn't know this would happen. Like I know what a tip is..."

what?...but didn't he say he was experimenting?
"What do you mean you didn't know what a tip is? I thought you were faking."

Discord laughed sheepishly "Oh, how embarrassing. No no, I wasn't faking. Despite my wide and vast knowledge, I didn't know what a tip was. See, the whole adrenaline thing was going to happen after we left the bar and I teleported you to some diamond dogs. Their annoying nature mixed with the adrenaline pumping through you would have made quite the entertaining show. But, given that a fight had broken out. I thought it'd just work out doing it right there and then. It was ok....now"
Discord picks up your weakened form and plants you back on your seat. "To business..."
Discord hops back to his seat, and looks at you, his expression suddenly becoming serious "Nightmare Night Anon.....a night celebrating the fact that Nightmare Moon is a scary entity that should be dealt with."

You gently lay your head on the table and look at the side.
"...what about it? ugh. It feels like I spent the whole night staying awake, I can't even stay mad anymore, not like it'd do any good when it comes to you...sheesh. You really need to tell me when you're gonna do stuff like this.."

"Anon, as I said. That was for my entertainment. It wouldn't have been fun if I told you. But this business, I'm telling you all of this because you are my partner and my friend. Now...pay attention closely. Because this is of extreme importance...."

You perk up your ear, keeping your head on the table for comfort.
"yeah?"

"We are...the both of us....are going to team up and take down Nightmare Moon ourselves. How does that sound?"

either you were too weak to actually understand his words. Or this was Discord being too much like Discord.
"...Discord...Luna isn't Nightmare Moon anymore. ugh...I really hate you right now. I can't believe you did all this just for this bullshit. Don't you ever wonder that sometimes, shit like this, that maybe, just maybe, might make me have resentment towards you despite our friendship?"

"What's a little resentment between friends? That's what I always say" Discord grins at you, a happy, innocent grin.

"....right...ok...I sometimes forget that you're insane. Ok fine, I won't interrupt. What exactly is this plan all about?" There really was no point in pursuing this.

"Well..." Discord poofed in a book...but not just any book. It was the journal of the two sisters. You recognized it right from the get go. And that was enough to make you lift your head up to look at it. "I've been doing some reading.."

"Discord...That's the princesses old journal...what are you doing with that?"

"Duh, I've been reading it. I just said that. Also..."

Discord slides his hoof to the right. Zipping your mouth. You don't even react. You just lay your head on the table. You were too tired, and used to this particular stunt.


"You said you wouldn't interrupt....annnyyywaayyyy..."
Discord poofs away the journal. "Apparently our dear princesses of the sun and moon were quite the jovial pranksters when they were younger. In fact, according to their journal. They thought themselves the best tricksters of all Equestria. And I'm going to tell you right now Anon....I won't let that stand"

oh, no way.

you point to the zipper, you wanted to interrupt, you wanted him to unzip you. But instead. He just continues.

"Therefore. we must not only defeat Luna, but her sister as well. A contest of wits, tricks, and if we're lucky....a bundle of sticks!" Discord produces a bag of sticks and takes one using telekinetic magic. pointing to a magically appearing white board. "We are going to challenge them to a prank off. You and me, together, two on two. the best team of pranksters will be left laughing"
Discord started to rub his hooves together and he chuckled evilly "Oh yes, I can see Celestia and Luna's faces now when they realize the only way they could ever beat me at anything was with their precious elements of harmony...oh yes...this will be delicious...ah yes, and the best part about this. At least for you, is that I will grant you unlimited use of the horn for the entire day of Nightmare Night. No limits. Now, hearing that, you surely must be excited and no longer upset now. Right Anon?"

You were actually in awe from that. One day? One day of unlimited power? You needed details. So you started pointing at your zipper and mumbling.

"Ahh yes, right right." Discord moves his hoof to the left, unzipping you. But he could see in your eyes. That the horn thing easily swayed you.

"When you say no limits. What do you mean? Because...gee..Discord. That actually sounds rad. I'm already feeling pretty excited for the horn thing"
Then you realize something.
"......wait..WAIIIT...hold on. How are you even going to get the princesses to do this? This doesn't sound like something they'd do. Specially Luna."

Discord grins at you "So I assume, that if I can get them to agree to my challenge, that you will definitely join me? no complaints, not even worried about banishment at all?"


"Well.....I'm still a little upset. But unlimited power with the horn? just give me some details on that. Because i'm not worried about being banished. You said if you were there, you'd be able to help me. And even then. I doubt Celestia would banish me. She seemed super nice. Plus, you'd be getting them to agree to this right? I doubt Celestia is a sore loser. Luna..ehh...not sure."

"Yes, you're right about that. I will make absolutely sure that they accept my challenge. There'd be no point if they didn't bring their “A” game. Then the win would be totally empty. As for no limits, that's what I mean. No limits. You'll be free to do whatever you wish until we actually get our chance at them. Which then I will expect you to use that power to use your own brand of human based pranks. I know your kind has quite a few terrifying ones."

oooohhh shit. The entire day of messing with shit until the challenge? ohhh man...that was too juicy. Now that was worth getting naturally excited for.

"well.."
You smirk back at Discord, to let him know you're in
"We are the master of the jump scare"

Discord laughs happily "Excellent! truly marvelous! Oh...this will be a Nightmare Night to remember. I'm so glad you're not too sore about this whole bar fight thing. I was almost afraid you wouldn't join me."

"Well, you did sweeten the deal. But what about going around and getting candy?"

"Sadly...it's one or the other Anon. You can either go with your friends. Or you can come with me, for some real fun...father and son. Buddies, comrades...and other things."

Sort of a tough choice. no doubt the CMC would have loved to go with you on gathering some candy. But, you probably wouldn't have the unlimited power then...or maybe...you could get down with the prank battle early and still make it for some candy. You make your choice.

"Ok, I'm in. But no bullshit Discord. I swear, if you end up putting me on and tricking me. I'm gonna move in with Fluttershy. I will make her absolutely pissed at you.And don't say or even threaten that you'll send me back home or some shit like that. Because you'd just be hurting her even more"

You got him. you were tired of his shit. So since he can just do shit to you. you were going to let him know you could do shit to him. You were tired of pussyfooting around with him. Unlike Chrysalis, he didn't have the sex appeal to make you weaker minded.

"Touche’ Anon. But as your friend, you can trust me. I really...REALLY...want to win this. And now that we have concluded business and that you're fed. I'm going to teleport you to your school. class should be starting pretty soon. Just be ready AFTER school so we can talk to the princesses. And I want you looking your cutest."

Well, that was no problem. You had looking cute down.
"Alright, if my friends ask me to meet them after school. I'm just gonna tell them you need me for something first. So you don't have to worry about me being late."


"I didn't need to worry at all anyway, I was just going to snatch you up instead of waiting for you to come home. That's why I said to be ready. And try to stay as confident as you are now. I want the princesses to know exactly what they are dealing with. Cute and confident. Can you do that for me? Anon?"

Cute and Confident?...yeah, you were sure you could. You've faced shit like Twilight trying to banish you, Chrysalis trying to kill you, and griffons just now, trying to fight you. And as you doubted Celestia and Luna had any interest in seducing you. You should be able to do it.
you nod
"Yeah, I think I could do it. No problem. You can count on me."

"Good, I'm glad to hear that.....business is concluded..oh and.."

Discord leans to the right and looks at the barkeep "This is fine if we just leave your bar like this, right?"

The barkeep shrugs as he continues cleaning cups. "Eh, this happens every week anyway"

..the barkeep...THE BARKEEP?!
HOLY SHIT, YOU FORGOT HE WAS THERE!
You slowly look back, worried as shit.
"U-uh...h-how much did you hear..u-uhh..mister?"

The barkeep shrugged "That yer somethin called a human, and that's actually the spirit of chaos, and yer gonna go mess with the princesses. But eh, what do I care? I just run the bar."

You gulp...the hell....?
You look at Discord. He looked really calm about all this.
"...Discord...you're gonna do something about that right?"

Discord nods "I do, this is rather serious."

oh man, if he was gonna do some MiB shit. You were ready to cover your eyes.

Discord looks over to the barkeep again. "We're ok?"

The barkeep nods "We're ok."

....WHAT?!
"That's it?! "we're ok"?! How can you be so nonchalant about that"

But then you hear a loud clunk behind you...what?

You look back at the barkeep. There was a huge ass bag of bits right beside him, he had grabbed it and put it down to show you, he was even grinning. Finding it amusing that he'd ever tell anyone after receiving so much cash, with the ever possibility to get more..

"........"
you look back at Discord silently for a moment, then put your hoof to your face.
"..........yeah...ok.....just....take me to school already..."

Discord changes back to his normal form, chuckling. "You'll never grow old for me Anon. Never ever. Seeya later"

Discord snaps his talons. as the bar flashes away from you. And you appear in front of the schoolhouse.

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