• Published 21st Oct 2017
  • 10,516 Views, 2,803 Comments

Dadonequus Discord (Book 1) - CrazedLaughter

Discord makes a deal with an anonymous human. The human gets to live a good life in Equestria. And Discord? he gets to have a son of his own. Of course, his only reason is to impress Fluttershy and annoy Twilight.

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Chapter 184 - Twilight Week Arc

Author's Note:

An espionage mission!

You started to sweat profusely. the hell was with all the pictures? You recognize the scenes...but...you don't remember Discord taking so many pictures, or taking pictures at all on most of these. And yet, there it was. a whole plethora of pictures. From moments like falling in gelatin to you slamming into a wall. "I-it's a p-p-prank. Yeah, that's it. My dad is just trying to spook whoever I might bring over here. H-he's such a card..hahaha"

The CMC easily buy into it, especially when Sweetie Belle spots a picture of you and Mrs.Rich. She didn’t look herself. in fact, it was when she was worried sick inside the illusionscape, she looked like an ugly wreck in this picture. Was she really that blown away? "Yeah it's gotta be, girls, look at this picture"

"Is that...Diamond Tiara's mom?" Scootaloo asks

"Ah think so....ewww. Yeah, that definitely never happened. She hated all of us, she’d never agree to a picture from Discord or Anon. Wonder what's goin' on in Discord's head to make all these pictures....hrnnn.." Sweetie Belle wondered

Nope..fuck this. you had to get them out of here before anyone showed up. Whether it be Discord or any goddamn changeling. "Girls. We're on a time limit, remember? We gotta go!"

You rush over to the door and immediately set it to the Crystal Empire and open the door. Trying to hurry the CMC along. "Come on! Quick!"

Scootaloo goes back to the floor door and taps at it. "Hold on, what's behind this door? You never said why it was in the floor"

Fuck it, she didn’t pay attention the first time you mentioned it. unless you lie. This was going to take forever. "It explodes Scootaloo...it's an exploding door. I opened it once and nearly got blown to bits. It's to make sure nothing from the outside actually gets into my room"

Scootaloo's eyes widen as her pupils shrink. She slowly steps back away from the door and gulps. "O-o-ok then...erm.....yeah..l-let's go"

The three of them walk towards the door. Sweetie Belle though has to comment on the ridiculousness of the floor door. "So...if the door explodes? How do you go down to the kitchen to get something to eat? There’s no other door around."

"Chaos house, things happen, food leaks through the ceiling. Can we go please?" COME ON!

All three cringe at that as they enter the portal. Each commenting on how gross that is. The idea of ceiling food didn’t seem appetizing to them.

"Yeah well....er...whatever, just go. We're running out of time!" COME ONNNNNN!

You step behind them as you all go through the portal and enter the Crystal Empire. Immediately the CMCs look around and take in the sights. Anything that wasn't Ponyville was instantly eyecandy to them. Even if they had been there before. The visitation of the Crystal Empire was a rare treat after all.

"Woah...we're actually here..." Scootaloo states as she looks about. smiling.

"Ah know, it's crazy ain't it? We just took two hops and a shake of the tail and suddenly we're in the Crystal Empire" Applebloom was also in total awe.

"Yep, it's neat. But remember...remember...we're on a very important mission. We can't fail." This was a mistake. THIS WAS A MISTAKE!

You look around, making sure the journalists weren't about. of course they wouldn't be. The trip here must take forever.

"Geez Anon, relax. There's four of us. We're not gonna screw up if we all work together." Sweetie Belle was getting aggravated with your constant rushing. It seems the CMC wanted to have a good time while also being a service to you.

You weren't too sure about that. But for the sake of them not getting anymore agitated. you calm down. "Sorry....it's just been a little bit of a rough day."

"Well that's why we're here with you. To make that rough day a little less rough." Sweetie Belle gives you a reassuring smile, but then she gives you a gentle bop on the head while her face twists to one of slight agitation "But stop pushing us, we aren't slaves, ok?"

"Right...sorry. Ok, when you're all ready. Let's go to..."

As you look up from the initial bop, they were already walking towards the castle. Applebloom looks back at you and waves for you to follow along. "Come on. Ya said we had to hurry."

B-but..you just got bopped for being in a rush....u-gh...nevermind...Don’t question it.

The four of you reach the front of the castle. but stick to the side. out of sight. There was indeed guards guarding the front of the castle. Oddly enough, the doors to the castle itself under the tower were lightly guarded compared to the guards near the heart itself. Still, it made for a tight defense.

Dammit...even with the four of you. how the fuck were you going to get through? The front doors were still guarded, and finally when you have a chance to use your grappling hook. the towers above are also swarming with guards. "Anypony got any ideas?"

"ahh shoot, ah got nothin'. ah didn't think it'd be this guarded. Didn't ya have a plan on gettin' in Anon?" Applebloom asked

"No..I...thought it'd be a little easier than this."

"What?! How are we supposed to get inside if we don't have a plan?!" Scootaloo was agitated with you, she was blown away by the fact that you somehow didn't have a plan.

"I'm thinking. Hold on, just give me a moment." Come on Anon, use that saturday morning logic.

"Well, ah could use mah potion. Ya think that might work?" Applebloom asked

At first, it didn't seem like too bad a plan. But as you looked around… "No, it'd be a waste. Somepony would notice that the guards were knocked out cold. Darn..come on Anon, think"

Sweetie Belle smiles as she raises her hoof "I got it!"

All three of you look at her in surprise. you all even say "...you do?"

Sweetie Belle nodded "Mhmmm, All I have to do is act like my sister and you all will be able to go inside."

"Us?..wait, you mean you're gonna distract them or something?" Was that her plan?

Sweetie belle gently smiled as she shook her head "Nope, I'm gonna do one better. They won't be able to take their eyes off me. You three just get ready to rush in the moment they leave the front door. Got it?"

"Ahhhh, Sweetie Belle, ah don't think you're their type" Applebloom mentions. Finding the whole thing odd. In fact, you all did. She had no sex appeal…..in this world anyway.

"What?...nooo ewww noo..I'm not gonna try to hug them. Just watch...it'll be..as my sister would say....Marvelous" Sweetie Belle steps forward and then around, entering the line of sight of the guards.

All eyes were on Sweetie Belle now...holy shit..what was she going to do?

She went in front of the guards. Who didn't seem to react too much. They just looked down at her. They actually seemed a little worried that she was stepping so close. But they'd never attack a child.

Sweetie Belle sits down in front of them.

She looks up at them silently for a moment. Swishes her tail twice...then. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! HHEELPPP! I'MMM LOOOOSSST NGHHHHH!"

The guards immediately panic, at first they don't move. just watching Sweetie Belle whine and cry as actual tears come out. She was screaming how she lost her sister and had no idea how to get around and that she was going to get lost forever and starve to death.

It only took another moment for the guards to leave their post. Sweetie Belle moved away from them, leading them to the side, explaining they were very scary. But the guards tried to calm her, telling her they were there to help.

"I think that's our cue. Come on!" Scootaloo says as you all rush over to one of the entrances, staying away from the guards' sight as they tend to Sweetie Belle.

Fucking incredible. IT actually worked.

the three of you get inside the castle. But goddamn. The interior was going to be tough to navigate. It was mostly vertical in some spots. and there was hallways with endless doors. And boy, was it shiny.

"You think we should check the throne room first?" Scootaloo asks

"Or maybe we should split up?" Applebloom suggests.

"No not yet, we should try Scootaloo’s idea. But we gotta be careful, it's over if we get caught." God, active camo would be nice right now. But if Cadance is in the throne room. This would be easy.

You all nod, and begin to sneak towards the throne room. Slipping behind any wall on a turn or going through a door if a guard drew near. It was a difficult trek. Albeit a short one.

The three of you notice an opening. And rush over to the center of the throne room. Deciding that if Cadance or Shining Armor was there. You were in the clear.

But instead. The entire room was empty. Not even a guard was in sight...at least not yet.

"Empty?" Damn, you didn’t expect that. Good thing there weren’t any guards here either.

"hrnn..well, ah guess ya can't be expectin' them to be sitting on the throne all the time" Applebloom mentions.

"But where do we look now? There's guards scouring the place. And Princess Cadance or Prince Shining Armor could be in any one of these doors!"

Dammit, how could you not plan this better?! Even Sweetie Belle was doing better than you and that was right at the fucking start! "Hrnngh..if only we had an ide-..oh no!"

The doors open behind you. a few guards stepping in to patrol the throne room.

Before anyone else could react. Applebloom freaks out and tosses the potion at them. Breaking the vial and releasing a small white cloud that immediately knocks them all out.

"Applebloom! What did you do?!" GODDAMMIT! THAT AIN’T GOOD!

"A-ah panicked. Ah didn't want us to get caught."

Ergh, ok..no..it's fine...just… “Gngh! Ok ok, just...help me out here!”

You lead Scootaloo and Applebloom to push and shove the knocked out guards to either side of the doors. At least this way, they wouldn't be immediately noticed.

"Now what do we do? What if they wake up?!" Scootaloo was shaking, she was scared of getting caught.

"Relax Scootaloo, they'll be knocked out for at least an hour. We still got time, and we didn't really hurt them none. But where else should we look?" Applebloom wondered, trying to get her head back into the game.

"I guess we're just going to have to check the higher levels. I bet the more guards we find. The closer we are" Logical deduction if you do say so yourself. Of course there’d be more guards if Cadance was nearby.

You were sure of it. So sure that even they agreed that was actually a sensible conclusion. But at the moment, you were now out one member and a potion. The three of you would have to be more careful now.

You and the rest of your party venture higher and deeper into the castle. Running from door to door. Using them as cover incase any guards pop up through the long hallways.

"Anon, are you sure it was smart to leave those guards back at the throne room?" Scootaloo asked.

"We don't have time to hide them Scootaloo, that's why I pushed them behind the doors. Nopony will notice, even if they open the door."

"Yeah, but Anon. If they actually GO into the throne room and turn around, they'll notice them. What then?"

You reasoned that by the time that happens. you'll have found Shining armor or Cadance by now. "Just trust me, everything will be fine. Just keep going. We just need to find the prince or princess."

Applebloom was getting a little fatigued herself "Anon, we don't even know where they are. Ah don't even know why this castle has so many doors. Why does every castle have to have so many doors? What if ya have to go to the bathroom? How would you know what door to go into? It's crazy ah tell you."

"Yeah, it's a little nuts. But hey, it's actually kind of funny that there's this many doors." Actually, you hated the doors too. But you could tell your compatriots. While not willing to give up, were becoming impatient and very worried about getting caught.

"How do ya figure?" Applebloom asks

"Well, if we do get caught. we'll probably be running through so many doors that we might be coming out of other doors. Heck, we might even come out of the doors riding a tricycle or riding a giant spinning bagel or something"

You chuckle at that. maybe it could happen. Who knows?

"Erm.....that's not funny" Scootaloo disagreed

"Yeah...that's kinda dumb. Why would there be a giant bagel?" Applebloom agrees with
Scootaloo, seeing no logic in it "Ahh think you've been hanging around yer dad too much Anon."

Well fuck you too! That’s classic humor….egh. Children… "I...guess...I just think you guys don't understand the complexity of it."

"What's so complex about it? You eat the bagel, not ride it. The whole door thing only works if you can teleport. And uhh..I don't think any of us can do that" Scootaloo just didn't understand the art of slapstick. That's what went through your head.

"IT's.....eh nevermind" It wasn't worth explaining if none of them got it. Plus, you had to focus on sneaking around. Something Applebloom was already doing after she had given her word.

"Hold on you two. Look, there's a split" There was, the path forward was still there. But it also went right and left. Three ways......god dammit. how fucking frustrating.

"So, do we split up?" Applebloom asks.

"No, too dangerous. Well...semi dangerous. We need to stick together." That to you was the superior plan.

"Well we gotta do something. I don't see any guards down any of these paths. Maybe we need to go..." Suddenly Scootaloo's ears perked up.

Yours did too, as did Applebloom's.

some of the doors along the different paths we're opening, guards coming out of the woodwork. With guards having either a casual conversation with one another or getting back on duty.

"Oh no...what do we do now? We're gonna get caught" Scootaloo said in a low voice. shaking.

you only had seconds to react. With no chaos magic and nobody else coming up with a plan. You look upwards for something. And then..come to a realization. "Girls...grab on to me..don't argue..just do it"

Applebloom and Scootaloo, already frightened, do what you say immediately and...ohhhh....it felt kinda nice. But you needed to focus.

You reach into your saddlebag as quickly as you can and grab your grappling hook and attach it to your leg. Finally, time to use this out on the field!

You aim directly upwards and shoot the hook up.

You look up to see what part of the ceiling it will attach to.

It doesn't...

It instead bounces right off the ceiling and speeds down towards you. The flat part of the hook smashing right into your face. "AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ANNGGHHH FFFFFUUUUUUUMMNFNSRRFEFJEDJD"

You fall backwards, your hooves on your face and you whine and yell in pain. Fucking dammit! always the face or head...ALWAYS "NGH...ERRRGGHHH..MY FACE..GGGGNNHHHH"

"Anon! Anon...get up quick!" You could hear Scootaloo

"Anon, ya gotta get up!" Applebloom was shaking you hard.

You sit up, planting your bottom on the floor as you put one hoof on your forehead to give it a rub as you reorient your vision. "Ngh...w-what is it? Can't you see i'm in pain? cripes"

"Anon......errrr" Scootaloo was looking really worried, as was Applebloom.

You decide to take a look around...

oh..well that's a perfectly good reason to be worried...you were all surrounded by guards. "oh."

That is quite the shit......... "EVERYPONY SPLIT UP!"

"Hey you three, stop where you are and come with u-HEY!" One of the guards try to step up to apprehend the three of you. But with the three of you in a panic. You all make a mad dash out of the circle of guards...all choosing the same direction.

"Ah thought yah said split up!?" Applebloom said as she ran, heading towards another turn that led to a staircase.

"I did split up! It just happened to be where everypony else was splitting up!" Scootaloo calls out


"Hold it right there! You're not supposed to be in the castle! Come back!" The guards call out.

They were gaining. and turning to get on the staircase didn't make things better. The steps were slowing you all down. You needed to come up with a plan. and fast.

You think of using the grappling hook to get to the top. But what then? If you miss, you'll have to take the time to retract it. and if it bounces off something. that's another possible head smack.

But wait....you were in the Crystal Empire....the horn...it still had one use.

The three of you reach the top of the stairs with the guards coming up after you. already a few moments from being in grabbing distance. "Girls, I've got a plan. Just follow my lead ok?"

They nod, they didn't say anything. they were too scared of getting caught.

You grab the horn and slap it on your head once more. Your eyes lighting up with false green and purple evil as your mane blows up in fake black flame.

"Anon, what are ya doing?" Now Applebloom was curious. “What is that nightmare night toy going to do?”

"Just watch..." The plan was simple. You WERE King Sombra. And you were going to scare these incompetent guards into running the other direction.

When the guards got up into your view from the lower part of the stairs, You looked down at them with evil, dominating eyes. "Foolish ponies. Did you really think you could chase I, King Sombra, around my own castle? I have possessed this colt and have these two fillies hostage. And you will do what I say, or else!"

The guards immediately stop. Scared, yet still standing at the steps. They didn't know what to do. Some were in disbelief. But none could fathom how you'd have the face of the evil king that once bound them.
"It can't be"
"That monster"
"I thought he was gone"
"What do we do? We can't leave those fillies"

"I can see you don't fully believe me. Perhaps destroying ONE hostage will persuade you. LEAVE NOW.” You bellowed.

But they refused to back off, Their eyes were filled with determination.
"We can't just leave"
"We have to protect everypony"
"We became guards to protect everypony, we can't run now"

uh oh...they started to slowly approach. "Back off! OR ELSE!"

They did finally start to take a few steps back. All of them looking pretty angry with you. But you needed them to back off completely. Shit...this may have not been the best of plans after all.

And what's even worse...they now suddenly started to approach again.

"I...SAID...BACK...OFF" But they weren't. They were marching upwards.

"Fine! You'll all pay when I..." You look behind yourself...the girls weren't there.

What where when what what WHAT?!

You look upwards. The pair was being held by a pegasus guard that must have come from behind. Applebloom smiles sheepishly at you as she waves.

The guard himself seemed pretty pleased with himself. "I've got you girls, everything will be ok now!"

The rest were now ready to full on capture you."W-wait..d-didn't I say I was possessing this colt? B-back off!"

But it seemed they were assuming it must be a trick. oohh shit, they thought you were just THE King Sombra...body and soul...NEW PLAN

"LOOK, IT'S THE CHANGELING QUEEN!" You point behind them. Making them look back.


You turn around and immediately bolt the other direction. Applebloom and Scootaloo would be fine. Right now you had to get the fuck out. You could already hear them telling the others to get more guards and to find Shining Armor.

You rush towards a large set of doors. Maybe those were the doors you were looking for? Because goddamn, no other door was it.

You slam right into the door and is met with a blast of sunlight.

You were outside on one of the castle tower walls. And....

Well...there were pegasi guards everywhere too.

And the guards that were chasing you were already coming through the same door. Looks like there was nowhere to go. "Stop where you are King Sombra, we won't let you reach your full power!"


But wait....the grappling hook. MAybe if you...

You step to the side of the wall as they slowly converge on you.

You get up on it, and the moment they got close enough… "So long cockfags!" you hail them, then you shoot your grappling hook back to a higher side of the castle right on the main tower, and jump. Taking a huge swing.

You were now screaming for dear life as you swung from one end of the castle to the other.

Or rather, you were heading straight into a wall. "OH SHIT! OHH SHIIITT!"

You shifted your body and all the weight it carried to try to reangle your swing. You manage it. and fly straight into a window instead.

You end up detaching the hook and rolling on the ground. tying yourself up on the rope as you slam into the wall of the room. "e-errrghhh.....p-painn....so...much....pain"

You couldn't even move. You were essentially rolled up and tangled in the grappling hook's rope. the hook itself hanging at the end like a tail.

Suddenly, a voice "Anon! Anon! Are you alright Anon?!"

you were dizzy, battered, and bruised from that landing. everything was a bright light. "God...is that you?..why are you a girl?"

"God? Who? Anon.."

You feel something give you a gentle shake "It's me Sweetie Belle, are you ok?"

You slowly begin to regain vision. You were in some guest room., pretty lavish with red walls with golden little triangles and lines. everything you'd need for living like a bed and a drawer and a closet and all sorts of stuff. The bed itself looked comfy..And..your horn..it was right in front of you. it must have come off during the landing.

"Princess Cadance, i-is he going to be alright?!" You heard Sweetie Belle ask

A familiar pink candy butt alicorn stepped over to you. She gently lifted you up with her magic and put you on the bed. She didn't unravel you yet.Why? You don’t know. "I'm not a doctor. But let me see if I can do something. Anon..can you hear me?"


Your senses were starting to fully return. Ugh, it's a good thing you always usually take your lumps in some way. You were getting used to this. Even though it still hurt. You were pretty sore.

"That's right. It's me. Your friend Sweetie Belle is here too. Anon, are you hurting anywhere?" Cadance looked really worried.

"Sorta..egh..I'm us...WAIT...SWEETIE BELLE?!"

You immediately lift up and nearly fall off the bed. Cadance catching you with her magic and gently putting you on the bed again. "Anon, watch out. You almost got hurt."

"He sorta doesn't listen sometimes. He's got this bit of a high and mighty attitude." Sweetie Belle explains.

"High and Mighty? What? No..wait...How did you even get here?!" Seriously, she didn’t even come inside with the three of you!

You raise yourself up again. Yup. you were fine. and greatly baffled.

"Well, remember those guards? Well, then I told them who my sister was. They said any family of the elements of harmony were allowed inside. And they just sorta took me to where I wanted to go. Who knew? All you had to do is wait and we would have been here in no time...wait...Where's Applebloom and Scootaloo?" Sweetie Belle realized they weren’t with you.

Shit....they were with the guards. god, you caused such a commotion. "A little tied up at the moment..speaking of which can y-"

Suddenly the door burst open, a guard charging right through. "Princess Cadance, Lady Sweetie Belle. The castle has been compromised. K-King Sombra he's somehow....Wait..THERE HE IS. DISGUISED AS THE COLT! Y-you caught him?"

Both Cadance and Sweetie Belle was confused. You just laid there, annoyed....godfucking dammit. This didn't make you look cool at all.

"Ummm, would you mind explaining what's going on please? Where's my husband?" Cadance was confused and very intrigued why she could see her entire guard rushing around past the door.

"Your highness, that colt is the reincarnation of King Sombra. He had foalnapped two innocent fillies related to the Elements of Harmony. We have not asked them anything yet and they are being kept in a safe place. Your husband is en route. What should we do with this vile creature?"

Vile creature?! "Hey listen, pal! I'm not the idiot who actually thought I was King Sombra! I was using a Nightmare Night horn to fool the whole lot of you. Geez, you didn't think for a second that I was just sneaking into the castle to find Princess Cadance?"

Sweetie Belle shifted close to Cadance to whisper in her ear "See what I said? High and Mighty attitude."

Princess Cadance giggled "I see what you mean, Well.." Cadance looks to the guard "It's a false alarm, he is who he says he is. Can you bring his friends here as soon as you can?"

"B-but your highness...are you sure?" The guard wanted to be extremely careful.

She nods "I'm sure, besides. He is currently tied up at the moment. I think we can take it from here"

"As you command" The guard does not question her word any further. And leaves.

You groan...goddammit. "So..about untying me? please?"

"Now why would I go and do that?" Princess Cadance smiled at you and slowly drew you closer as she hopped onto the opposite end of the bed and carefully, very carefully laid down on her belly.


"Princess Cadance? What are you doing?" Sweetie Belle asked. hopping up on another part of the large bed to observe.

"Practicing, besides. I think he's a little tense and could use some motherly love" Princess Cadance, adjusted herself slightly so you'd be laying on her forelegs like a baby.

"What?!" You felt like she was patronizing you "I don't even know you that well. What's..why?!"

"He's kinda got a point. This is a little weird." Sweetie Belle said

"Well, you said he had a high and mighty attitude and that he's always stressing or whining about something. If I can calm him down, imagine what I could do with my own baby." Cadance explains.

"Ohhh, hey. That actually makes sense. Hey Anon, you can pretend to be a baby right?" Sweetie Belle asks with pure wonderment in her eyes.

"WHAT?! HELLO! WE CAME HERE TO WARN HER ABOUT THE JOURNALISTS" You screamed as you bounced up and down

"Oh, I already did that. She said she could just hide in this secret room where the throne is." Sweetie Belle giggled, she was finding this cute.

"Ergghhh...can we not do this please?....I don't want to be a baby" How humiliating.

And for once..FOR ONCE. as per your request. You can feel yourself get unraveled as you are gently and magically pushed aside. "There you are Anon, I don't want to force you into anything you don't want to do. I just thought it'd be good practice."

"awww..Anon..why do you have to be such a party pooper? I wanted to see her mom skills. She does need to practice, you know? She's going to be a mom soon" Sweetie Belle....really wanted to see this. both because it was cute and for Cadance's mother skills.

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