• Published 21st Oct 2017
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Dadonequus Discord (Book 1) - CrazedLaughter

Discord makes a deal with an anonymous human. The human gets to live a good life in Equestria. And Discord? he gets to have a son of his own. Of course, his only reason is to impress Fluttershy and annoy Twilight.

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Chapter 320

Author's Note:

Filthy makes a suggestion
Rainbow Dash wakes up
and Berry Punch buys a barrel

Applebloom tried to keep you cheery the best she could as the last of the barrels were loaded onto the cart. But she was only doing so-so. How could you not notice the fucking rake? You felt foolish, but maybe you were taking things too hard.You were the hero colt, that’s what you needed to remember. No matter how dumb a move that was, you were still great!

Filthy called you over to follow him to Barnyard Bargains, so you just bid Applebloom a farewell as you tried to get your thoughts in order.

Filthy looked at you a few times as you focused on your words. Eventually, he spoke before you could. "Y'know, Anon, That wasn't anything to be too ashamed about. You're a bit of an anomaly after all, like rise in stocks during a terrible economic crash. You use that horn of yours to solve all your problems, don'tcha?"

Just as Applebloom said, he seemed to be understanding about it. But still… "I guess. But I still must have looked pretty stupid trying to move that barrel. It made me realize I win most of my fights using magic instead of my own hooves. That's pretty bad for an Earth Pony, right?"

"Well, an Earth Pony doesn't usually have access to a magic doodad, Anon. I think it's weighing you down a little bit. But I know you're a sharp colt. The answer to your problem should be pretty dang clear."

Well, of course it was clear. "Is the answer exercise?"

"A little more than that, Anon. Exercise is one thing, but if you want some meat in them legs then you're gonna need some training. Training from somepony who really knows how to work them glutes and pump that iron." Then Filthy clicks with an idea "Say now, you're friends with Princess Twilight, ain'tcha?"

Sorta maybe? Even then… "Yeah but, uhhh...I don't think she's the muscle building type."

"No n,o Anon. I mean, if you know her, you know her friends. Which I'd guess you know Rainbow Dash. Heard she recently became a Wonderbolt. See where I'm goin' with this?"

What? Wait… WAIT! Your eyes go wide as you feel a chill go down your spine. A horrid chill. "You want me to ask Rainbow Dash to train me?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying. Rainbow Dash is quite the hero herself. You two together should work out as fine as apple and cinnamon mixed together"

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE! "Oh erm, I'm sure we would but, y'know. She's a Wonderbolt. Probably way too busy to train a colt like me. I mean, I totally would but....erm.... Besides, there's like a million other ways I can get strong, right?"

"Well there is, but..." Filthy looked at a low hanging cloud that was floating past the middle of the street. "I don't think the little lady is too busy right now"

Wut? How would he know? "What makes you say that?"

"Well, she's napping on that there cloud right there." He put his hoof near his mouth and hollered at her. "MISS DASH! BEG YOUR PARDON! BUT CAN WE HAVE YOUR ATTENTION FOR A MOMENT?!"

His yell. Cripes, it was powerful, even made Rainbow Dash's mane spring up on end when she nearly fell off the cloud from being suddenly woken up. When she turned, she did look a little angry. But when she noticed who was calling her, she seemed to calm down into a sort of confusion. "Anon? And you're..hey, you're that Filthy guy."

Filthy cringed form those words, it made him sound foul. "Ahrm, Umm. Mr. Rich would be just fine, Miss Dash. In anycase..." He clears his throat again and smiles. "Seems you do indeed know Anon here"

Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god...please no.

"Oh yeah, I know him alright. So what's going on? Is this part of that class thing Fluttershy is in right now or what?" Rainbow Dash was trying to figure out what was going on and why she was woken from her nap.

"Yes indeedy. Travellin' up to my second pride and joy right now. But before we do, we came upon a little something that you may be able to help us with" Filthy said with a little charm in his voice


"Oh really? Well" Rainbow Dash smirked as she flexed her right leg. "I am a Wonderbolt, an Element of Harmony, and the greatest hero this side of Equestria. So whatever you need, Mr. Rich, you can bet I can get it no problem"

"Well, it ain't what I need" Filthy looked upon you with a smile and tilted his head towards Rainbow Dash. "Well, Anon, go ahead, ask her"

NONONONONONONONONONO! "I dunno...she might have some heroing stuff to do? Or Wonderbolt things?"

"I just said I'm gonna get something no problem. So whatever that something is, just ask, and watch me get it in seconds. It's what I do." Rainbow Dash shrugged with a smirk.


Filthy didn't know why you weren't asking. It seemed pretty clear cut to him. Then he thought you must have not understood that Rainbow Dash really did have time on her hands. "Well, it ain't somethin' to get. Ya see, Anon needs a personal trainer for a little bit. Until he can get the strength to do the things Earth Ponies can do. With you both being heroes, it should be an interesting experience."

"Anon? Personal training?" Rainbow Dash looked at you, she was really confused now "You? What happened? You lose your nerve or something?"

...What?! NO! "I didn't lose my nerve. I'm the son of the spirit of chaos, remember? It's just...Look, I don't think I'll be needing your help." You look over at Mr. Rich. "Mr. Rich, I can train on my own. Trust me, I can make up my own cool personal regimen and stick with it and everything."

"Woah woah, what's even going on? Why does Anon need any kind of training at all? As far as I know, he's still the hero colt, right?" Rainbow Dash's confusion was reaching maximum.

You didn't want her knowing. You didn't need this. "Yes, I'm still the hero colt. No, I really don't need any training at all."

"Then why...?" Rainbow Dash looked at the cart, noticed the barrels, then noticed it was Mr. Rich who was pulling the cart. That's when Rainbow Dash realized it. "Oh...Don't tell me..." She held in a snicker. She had already jumped to the conclusion. "You couldn't roll a single barrel?"

She was doing her best to compose herself. But you? You could feel yourself shaking in anger. "W-what makes you say that?"

Rainbow Dash turned her head so it wouldn't be so obvious she was smirking. "Just noticed a few things. Mr. Rich looks pretty worked over. You? It looks like you didn't really do anything. So I'm guessing you need some sort of physical training or something. Wow, man, didn't see that coming. I mean, what happened, Anon?" Rainbow Dash hovered over and gave your horn a playful tap. "Do you do everything with this thing?"

You grumbled as you whapped her hoof away. "No, I don't! But fine, yes, you're right. I couldn't push the barrels. But..." So, she wanted to mock you huh? "It's not like it really matters when it comes to being a hero. I did save an Equestria by myself, beat up some foalnappers AND some griffins, and other kinds of stuff all on my very own. Didn't need any friends, or strength, or none of that. Just my brains and my know how with chaos. I mean, you're good too but without the other five. Well...Ya know."

That should show her who's top dog. Not like she could touch you anyway. You whooped her ass back on Nightmare Night like it was no big and… Wait, why is she looking at you angrily like that? Why is she revving up her hoof? Why is she?!

"GYAH!" You flinched and nearly fell over in complete fright when Rainbow Dash's hoof came flying towards you. You couldn't even dodge it. But...you didn't need to. It stopped right in front of your face.

"Miss Dash?! Why in Equestria would you do something like that?!" Mr. Rich was astonished, to him, it almost looked like she had hit you.

Rainbow Dash pulled back with a smirk. "Reflex test, and oh boy, Mr. Rich, it's a loooot worse than I thought. Anon is in a pretty bad place when it comes to being athletic. No power, no reflex, and no nerve. Yep, he's pretty bad. In fact..." Rainbow Dash started to hover upwards with an arrogant shrug. "He's WAY too weak for my sort of training. Hero or not, he'd fall apart in seconds."

"Really? hrn..." Mr. Rich started to think on it when she said that

Looking at him ponder on it, it was unsettling. It was...scary. Suddenly, being the hero colt really was important to you at a higher level than you could ever imagine. It looked like he was thinking you were some sort of pussy. Goddammit, you weren't! All you did was flinch, that's all! She didn't give you time to react.

"Woah, hold on, So my reflexes got a little flimsy. So what?"

"Means a lot of things. Say big, tall, and dumb came around again and started wrecking Equestria. He'd take your magic and you'd be sooooo done. You need to be quick, fast, and brave if you want to take him down like we did. Sure there's six of us. But the way I see it, the six of us together could take down any threat that shows their ugly mug. I mean..." Rainbow Dash gives you a REALLY arrogant smirk "I'd say if it was my Rainbow Power versus your chaos horn thing? Ehhhh....I'd win, ten seconds flat"

What?! What even gave her that idea?! "And hooooow would you even manage that? I'm pretty good with this thing. I saved an entire world y'know" Check and mate.

Or not… "Yeah, and that's awesome. But your dad? He can't even handle the elements of harmony. NO WAY that thing could take the super awesome blast of Rainbow Power. I know your dad has told you a lot of stories about us, so you know I'm right. Can't be a hero with just that horn alone, Anon. You're the hero colt, for sure, but you're still just a colt. It's just how things are. And I don't mean it as an insult or anything, it's just you're not old enough to see through your own rookie mistakes yet. And you're not strong enough for my training. It's how things go" Rainbow Dash explained this to you, her arrogance subsiding with every word into a more serious tone.

..No. NO! How dare she. HOW DARE SHE! You were capable of smashing her up no problem. You wouldn't be idiotic enough to stand there to eat the goddamn rainbow. And you have two charges now. There's just no way! "That's what you think! Fine, I accept your training. And don't tell me I can't. I can! I'm the hero colt! And I NEVER give up!"

"Oh, ok then. If you say so" Rainbow Dash gave you a cheerful smile before flipping about as she raises her altitude. "I'll just have to clear it with Spitfire and that's after a week of my own training. But hey, I'm an Element of Harmony, and Twilight's friend, so it should end up with a big big yes. So, if you think you can REALLLLLYYYY handle it....check up with me in a week. But right now? This Wonderbolt needs to get some snoozing done. Good talk, Anon, seeya soon!" And she turned and blasted off at a speed that left her usual rainbow trail.

Did you just?.....No. NO FUCKING!.....She...she..did she trick you? Rainbow Dash...tricked you? And got the better of you in an argument? RAINBOW DUNCING CRASH DASH?! You just stood there, and stared into the oblivion that was your own foolishness.

"Now how do ya like that?" Mr. Rich laughed a boisterous laugh "Going beyond the beyond to make yourself better. That's really how you conquer the opposition. Yes indeedy and...oh wait" Then he realized something "Anon, are you sure you're even up for this? The way it sounded to me. It may be a tad too dangerous for you."

Your eye twitched. How could you be so stupid?

"Anon, you alright, son?" Mr.Rich gave you a gentle tap. But it failed to snap you out of it. "Anon?"

"U-umm...erm.." And you couldn't use your magic, could you? You'd have to do it without the horn.

Wait...but by being worried, you were admitting you were weak. You weren't weak. you could do a pretty ok "Shoryuken"! What does that cunt know? She doesn't know. You'll show her.

And when you're done? You'll challenge her to a spar. That's right, a spar...a public spar. Your magic and finely tuned skills vs. her physical abilities. You'd be able to augment your movements with the training and really show her what you could do. And everypony would see it.

An evil smile curled along your face. "Oh, don't worry Mr. Rich. I totally got this. I'm the hero colt, remember? I'm just a little off my game" But not for long. You totally weren't just reasoning with yourself.

"Are you really sure, Anon? You really could just do some regular exercise. You ain't got to prove anything to me. You already proven your worth when you saved my darling little princess" Mr. Rich was worried now that you may have bitten off a little more than you could chew

You didn't care. You had this. Rainbow Dash wouldn't know what hit her

The walk continued back towards Barnyard Bargains as Mr. Rich tried to shift the mood to a little bit of a history lesson and some advertisement. Part of you listened, the other part of you contemplated on how to beat Dash into submission.

You could just smash her with a few hits of "Devil may shy". Or just go full Akuma on her. So many ways to pound her. Then she'd never be able to make fun of you again.

"...And here we are! Barnyard Bargains" Mr.Rich says as he parks to the side and lowers the ramp. "Why don'tcha take a look inside, Anon, enjoy the sights while I unload these here barrels."

You snap back to reality after realizing the trip was over. "Oh er..sure. I always wanted to see this place first hoof." You did, you kind of wondered what the place that kept the Richs'....Rich looked like.

You step inside with a small breath and take a look around. The first thing you notice is the smell. It was nice and sort of nostalgic and old timey. And the shop itself? Holy fuck, it looked like an old styled general store. Complete with an old styled cash register. It was a fucking general store. And yet, ponies were shopping here. It....was kinda nice

The prices, wow...they were pretty good. The shelves were well stocked and well organized. And there in the corner was a sign for apple cider, but nothing was there. Obviously this was the place the barrels were going to be placed at. This was Barnyard Bargains? It was....cozy. None of the clutter and bullshit of a modern store.

You liked it. It was nice, the smell reminded you of the finer points of Earth, and everyone seemed pretty pleased to be here.

Mr. Rich himself was already rolling barrels in, he was even stocking them himself despite a worker coming to his side asking if he needed help. But he just lightly shooed him away, saying he could handle it.

Filthy Rich let out a gentle chuckle as he stood the first few barrels up. "So, this your first time stepping in here, Anon?"

"Yeah, I like it. It's nice and homey"

"Isn't it? It has all the right touches of success. A place everypony wants to be. A place anypony can just come and relax and buy what they need without the hustle and rustle of the more modern stores around Equestria. And most importantly, workers who are genuine and friendly. Including yours truly and..."

"Hey Mr. Rich, oooohhh" A familiar purple pony with a berry grapey cutie mark looked over staring at the barrels of cider "That the new shipment of apple cider?"

"Yes indeedy, fancy a barrel, Miss Punch?" Mr. Rich said with a country flair and massive charisma.

"Oh boy, you know it. How much?" Berry Punch asked.

"For you? Why, you are always buyin' a barrel everytime we get a new shipment that I couldn't possibly let you get away with paying anymore than twenty five bits. No, in fact, we appreciate your business so much, that I'm gonna bump off five bits off the whole sale, how does that sound?"

"That..would..be...AWESOME! You're the best, Mr. Rich!" Berry Punch seemed exceptionally happy with the discount.

And so the sale was made, with an insanely happy if a little dopey Berry Punch leaving the store with a barrel as Mr. Rich waved goodbye to her. He then let out a satisfied sigh "....Anon, this is my family's legacy. My legacy, and the legacy of those after me. My little Diamond Tiara seems very keen on marrying you. As I said, I ain't ever seen a young filly so love struck before in my life. And the way you romance her? It shouldn't come as a surprise. But being a Rich means more than just living the high life. You have to be willing to put the work into it. You're not just working for you. You're working for your family, your employees, and for the customers who come knowing where the best prices are."

He looked to you with a look a father would give his son when he expected a promise. "Thats why I'm asking you again, for another promise, that if you do end up with her, that you won't let her down, us down, and these fine ponies down. It's all I can ask of you, Anon. You can do that for me, can't ya?"

You know you told him yes. but seeing the place for yourself? The real bonafide Barnyard Bargains? You could FEEL how much it meant to him. Everything, inside and out, from the customers to the care taken to maintenance and stock. This was his, this was a big cog in his life. If anything happened to it, he'd never be the same again. And he was willing to put his trust in you to keep it all going.

Even after seeing........holy fuck......Dammit Rainbow Dash…

Through her mockery, it seemed in the end she was going to help you. She was going to help you protect this legacy. A legacy, should you ever have kids of your own, you'd have to make sure was protected when you pass this information down to your son..or sons.

As much as Rainbow Dash was a cunt. It looks like you had to take her offer seriously when she had the free time to train you. So you look up to Mr. Rich, and give him one of your most confidant nods as you stand strong and firm. You truly understood now. "I promise. And If I ever have a son. I promise to teach him the same way you taught me, Mr. Rich. And I promise as well, to get fit enough to move these barrels myself."

Filthy Rich..he could feel how genuine you were just now. He started to cry, and cry he did as he hugged you tightly, again, to a point it was suffocating you. "Anon, my boy! You're already making me so proud to be your future father and..."

Mr. Rich notices other ponies were looking. He gently put you down as you wobbled a bit. "Sorry folks, I was having a family moment. Was proud of my future son here, the future owner of Barnyard Bargains. The Hero Colt, Anon!" Filthy Rich takes the time to hold you up high with his hooves to show you off to the crowd..

And, amazingly enough. The crowd liked it. They were letting out awwws, others cheered, and all stomped their hooves on the ground in approval. It warmed your heart how accepting everyone was. You waved your hoof and smiled at them.

The title of Hero Colt. A title you always put on and put off due to such petty reasoning. It may have been best to meet it down the middle. Because for some, it really meant something more. It was a title to be proud of. Even if the original way you earned it was dishonest. The ways you proved it later was not.

So, now...you fully accepted what it meant to be a hero colt. It wasn't just the deeds you did, or how others worshipped you, no, it was how it made others feel and how comfortable it made others knowing there would be someone there to protect them..or their loved ones. It was a title of respect. Not just for you, but for you to show respect to others as a hero would.

All this, by usual saturday morning cartoon standards, from a guy you'd expect to be a greedy assfuck. Filthy Rich...you'd do him proud.

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