• Published 21st Oct 2017
  • 10,707 Views, 2,823 Comments

Dadonequus Discord (Book 1) - CrazedLaughter

Discord makes a deal with an anonymous human. The human gets to live a good life in Equestria. And Discord? he gets to have a son of his own. Of course, his only reason is to impress Fluttershy and annoy Twilight.

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Chapter 78

You rushed off to the Clubhouse as fast as possible. You had to make sure to be there at the ready, to be there before anyone else.

The fastest way was just to run. The portal had no door to the clubhouse...rather inconvenient actually.

It takes you awhile, but you get there before anyone else..

You run up to the door to the clubhouse, but something through the window caught your eye....something red and yellow with a bow.
You look through the window again..

Oh no way what the fuck?! It's Applebloom. She seemed to be cleaning up the clubhouse.
You thought she was just going to stay in bed.

...you look around for Sweetie Belle or Scootaloo. Neither of them were around. Yeah, Applebloom was here of her own accord.
You wondered if you should step inside and-
AH SHIT...while she was dusting off a poster, she looked your way.
You tensed up...expecting something. But...she just went back to dusting....huh...Interesting...
...too interesting..

You slowly open the door and cautiously step inside. "..Heya Applebloom...whatcha doing here? I thought you were sick or something."

Applebloom shook her head and put down the duster she had in her teeth and gave you a smile...a smile....hrnnnn "Nope, I was just..sorta..ya know."
...she was being nonchalant as hell

"...you mean...yesterday, right?" You knew what she was talking about. She was broken hearted.

She nodded "mhmmm, but I'm all better now. I guess I just needed to talk to somepony about it. And suddenly everything made sense."

Talk to somepony? Had to be Applejack. Score!
"..well..that's good then right?"

Applebloom nodded "Mhmmm, I'm too young for all that stuff. My sister told me anyway. I knew couples kiss and all, but all the time? Plus, I ain't got money to buy gifts and trinkets. And I definitely didn't think about marriage being a thing , totally forgot. I don't wanna do all that when there's still crusading to be done. Plus I realized, I don't even know you that well. We gotta build our friendship first...and hopefully get ya that cutie mark"

....welll damn....Applejack got to her before you did. Then again, why didn't you even think of this? no way in hell Applejack was just going to let her sister stay home without a good reason.

"So..we're still ok? We're still friends?"

Applebloom nodded "'course? Why wouldn't we be?"

"No reason, I was just...making sure..I'm.."
...well, since she's in an understanding mood.
"..I'm actually still in a sort of a bind about all this"

"Still in a bind? Whatcha mean Anon?"

"uuhmmm..Well, I sorta don't want to be in a relationship at all. I realized..I guess the same things your sister told you, and a few things of my own imagination. And I had it in my head that I had to tell both you and Diamond Tiara at the same time that I wasn't interested."

"...at the same time? But Anon, ya already told me you weren't..why we're ya gonna tell me again?"

.....ogh....why was right...what was your reasoning? your mind was clouded by your own foolishness and lack of experience.

"I ahmm...thought you were still interested in me. And I kind of wanted to let you know at the same time as her that I wasn't interested...in case you tried to swoop in and-"

Applebloom put her hoof to her face and shook her head "Anon, ah can't believe you thought that. You're ok n all, but I ain't gonna do somethin' like that."

"....yeah...sorry...sort of new at all this..in all actuality. I guess that means I just have to let Diamond know."

Applebloom had just processed what you were going to do "...ya know that won't end well right?"
...at this point you were thankful Applebloom already got the talk. But Applebloom also having the same thought as you do about Diamond was not comforting.

"..I figured. She's really attached to me"

"It's not just that Anon, Ah mean, I've sorta known Diamond Tiara to be the kind of pony that gets what she wants. Ah mean, ah know she's good and all now...but. As mah sister tells me, some habits die hard."


And Twilight wasn't here either. where the fuck was she?

"....ok. So, you've known her longer, what should I do to ease the blow?"

Applebloom shrugged "Couldn't tell ya, it....might help though if ahm not here for when ya do tell her. She might get the wrong idea."

"R-right..yeah..that sounds good.."
It did, holy shit you felt like a goddamn dweeb right now. You had this planned out in your head and it was falling apart harder than a stack of cards. You were starting to lose hope on your ability to do this properly.

"She is coming here right? or are ya gonna meet her somewhere else?" Applebloom was making sure

You nod
"Yeah, I told her to come meet me here. I also sent Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo to go get you...if you...umm..could go tell them the situation. Please?"

Applebloom nodded "Gotcha Anon, and erm...good luck. ah mean, if we were still cutie markless...ya would make good practice for being cutie mark nurses" Applebloom gave a light chuckle.

You just cringe
"...is now the time for that kind of joke?"

"..well..erm..ah was just trying to lighten the mood a little. umm..ya gonna be all right Anon?" Applebloom asked you, she had a growing concern for you as she saw that you were growing more and more uneasy.

You nod
"yeah...just want to get this all over with..hopefully keep everypony's friendship."

"Well don't worry none Anon, ah got faith in ya....good luck..all right?"

"Thanks. and thanks for understanding Applebloom. really puts a lot of weight off my mind."

”No problem Anon, ya take care now? Alright? Try not to say nothing bad, ok?” Applebloom leaves on that note. leaving you alone in the clubhouse. Well..that was one down. and it wasn't even by your own hand...hoof. But still, there was Diamond Tiara. If even Applebloom had worries about this. Then you had to be on top of your game.
You waited for her, cycling through your head various ways to speak to her and make sure things stay calm.

You were almost there


You lay on your belly, staring at the door. Well...she wouldn't run here like you did. Just walk...so..you just had to wait

...and wait

.....and wait

You rolled onto your back and stared at the ceiling. You could feel your anxiety being replaced with boredom. Not even Twilight was showing up.
"Come on...."
You roll back to your belly and look at the door, annoyed
"Come on......."
You get up and look out the window to see if she was coming...she wasn't.
"COME ON!...."
you smack your head on the wall next to the window
"...this is some sort of punishment. I swear to god it is. All because I lost a little of my inhibitions and went with a filly. How stupid can I be?"

"Well intelligence is relative, isn't it?"

"..yeah b-...oh no..."

"oh yes....hello Anon."

.....you turn around, and standing behind you was Discord. He was in...the form of the pony he pretended to be, in colt form.

"Don't I simply look adorable? a real heartbreaker, am I right?" Discord struck a dashing pose.

"....Discord...please...for once, I really REALLY need you to listen to me and not be here right now."

"Why not?" Discord did a coy act of acting astonished "Can't I help out my best bro?" Discord put his hoof around your neck and brought you close for a brohug.

You grimace, you REALLY didn't need him here right now.
"..Discord please, I really need to do this without you doing...well...anything"

"Oh come on! You invited Twilight to this little shindig. Twilight! Of all ponies! Twilight!...I mean, come on Anon. She may be the Princess of Friendship, but she has nothing on the suave, debonair stylings of yours truly" Discord pointed to himself with a confident chortle

...dammit come on. This was a serious situation that you were THIS CLOSE to getting off your back, You liked the guy, but goddammit. there's a place and a time for anything....of course, he didn't give a shit. He was beyond that.

"Will you just get out of here! I can't have this blow up on me ok! This is serious!"

Discord cocked an eyebrow at you "Serious? the frivolous crush of one pony to another isn't exactly what I'd call a world crisis. Besides, I'm still peeved you invited Twilight. Why not Cadence? She's actually well versed on the subject."

"I don't even know her! How could I invite someone I don't know"

Discord mocks your voice perfectly "Oh no, woe is me. I stupidly accepted the crush of a little filly and now I’m in a hilariously terrible bind. If only I had thought to use the portal door my father gave me to go make friends with the Princess of Love. Then maybe my current predicament wouldn't be sooooooo scary"
Discord looked at you with a self satisfied smirk.

"You're an asshole...you know that right?"

"I wouldn't say that, I'm not lying am I?"

"How was I supposed to know ahead of time that I should have gone and see Cadence? Why would that even be feasible? Geez Discord, what did you expect me to do? Just walk up to her and say "Hi, I'm Anon, I'm super cute and i'm in trouble with a love problem. Do you mind leaving your empire for just a minute to help me. Please?"...That's fucking stupid."

"Says the one who thought Twilight would be a great idea. It's a good thing I put a stop to that. Who knows what kinds of chaos she would have caused."

....you felt something..a volcanic rage....build on you


Discord put his hoof under your muzzle and gave a gentle rub, giving you a smarmy look. "...I love the way you worded that. "using" her. Ohhhhh...I knew I made the right choice when I brought you here,

You shove his hoof away
"Don't do that...that's creepy. And yeah, I am using her. She's an adult and a princess. If anything goes wrong, than I can count on Twilight to talk to her and calm her down....or at least I would have. What the hell did you do to stop her anyway?"

"Oh that's simple. I just pretended to be you and told her the problem was solved. She seemed a little upset that she couldn't help and record a little data in the process. But that's to be expected. Besides, don't you wonder what I could bring to the table to help bring this little chapter in your life to a close?"

You stop to think a moment...would he help you?...or just fuck with you. Even with that moment at the castle, he still stuck you in a ball and sent you down some stairs.
You sigh heavily. You decide to give him a chance. If only because Diamond walking in on you trying to strangle him wouldn’t look good. You couldn’t win this with anger.
"...Fine...how are you going to help me?"

"Easy,I'll just do the same thing Twilight was going to do and ease her troubled mind when this whole thing goes to pot. Pretty good huh?" Discord smiled happily at you as if that was the best plan ever


"umm..uh duuhhh Anon" Discord span his eyes about as he mocked you "Because I have YEARS more experience on the subject than her. I have been around for centuries you know?"

"......can you just promise not to ruin her day? Just..if you're going to help her. Actually help her?"

"I suppose I can..." Smoke enveloped Discord has his body warped and turned to his original form "...But Anon..that's going to make that favor you still owe me a little over the top. You are aware of that, aren't you?"

....oh..he was serious about that.
"I can handle it, so...do we have a deal?"

Discord holds his talons out towards you "....we do"

You look at it...hrnn..you felt like that was a bad idea. Like, you felt a small jolt in your body just by looking at it.
"...no funny stuff Discord. I'm trusting you."

You hold your hoof out reluctantly, and give Discord's talons a shake.....nothing bad happens.
"...so..what's this favor anyway? You never said what it was"

"In due time Anon, in due time. But let's tackle our problems one at a time....now then" Discord snaps his talons and disappears.
"I'll be around if you need me. If anything goes wrong. I'll just pop back in and have a little chat with the little filly."

You look around the room, he was out of sight.
"...and how are you going to get her to talk with you? If she reacts as bad as I think she will, I doubt she'd want to just speak to "my father" "

"Well that's easy...I'll just appear as Twilight and talk with her. I'll get to feel first hand what it's like to be a real princess!Oh joy!"

You shake your head. Only Discord would make such a pointless change to a plan. You couldn't even say "Why BE Twilight? when you could have had THE Twilight." But just as the change was pointless....telling him that would be pointless. It was so absurd you almost laughed.

"...You're one of a kind Discord, you really are...anyway, just stick to your word."

Discord says nothing

"....I'll take that as a yes"
you begin the waiting game again.

and finally, as you look through the window, you feel a sense of relief,nervousness, and worry as Diamond Tiara comes into view and starts walking up to the clubhouse.
Deep breaths Anon, stay calm. You are an adult...super easy..Discord has got your back...fuck...

There was a knocking on the door.
...here we go
"C-come in"

Diamond opens the door and steps inside "Hello everypony! I'm here to....hrn? Anon..where is everypony?"

....slow..deep breaths.
"...they're not here. It's just you and me"

"Just me and you?..." Diamond Tiara began to blush a little "...where's everypony else then?"

"...they aren't coming. Look..Diamond...I need to talk to you about something important."

"Something important?" Diamond Tiara began to blush a deep red, she couldn't look you in the face "W-what is it?"


...you could feel your guilt crawl along your back
"It's about...me and you."

She blushed even harder and held her hooves to her face "Anon, I don't think we should. What if everypony finds out?"

...don't think we should? everypony finds out? WHAT?!...WHAT THE FUCK WAS SHE THINKING?!
"....w-what do you mean?"

...you could feel your dick slightly take over...did she mean?...ohhh...no...ohhh nooo...what to do...oghh..this could be it Anon....you could screw everythi...oh...no you couldn't...not with him watching...ugh..you had to get these bad thoughts out of your head.

"Kissing..I mean..I wouldn't mind..but uhhh...oh...I..I dunno if i'm ready for that"


Get on the ball Anon...god fucking dammit...you stupid perv. At this point you might as well get bugbutt to rape you or some shit. that seemed like the only way you were really going to get some tail.

"I'm sorry Diamond...I didn't ask you to meet me for that...look..." you began to sound softer, sadder, more guilt ridden "..I know you really like me...and I think you're cool too...but.."

"..Anon?..." Diamond Tiara was confused...but she could feel her heart suddenly twist painfully

"...but I'm not looking for a relationship with you, or with anypony really. You're my friend Diamond...and, that's how I want it to stay. I'm not ready for this sort of thing. It's not you...really...it's me. I'm just too young for this sort of thing"

...too old really.

Diamond Tiara was visibly shaken by the sudden crashing and burning of what she thought was a thing "A-Anon...wait. I don't think you're too young. We're i-in the same class. Doesn't that mean you're just right?..I mean..doesn't this.."

She goes for it..and kisses you....on the cheek.

"..d-don't you feel anything?" She certainly did. she almost couldn't believe she did that. She felt like hiding after that, but..the fact this was happening. she had to stick around.

Boy did you feel like an asshole
"....I'm sorry"

You slowly back away
"..I just want to be friends Diamond, we can still be friends right?"

"...Anon.." Diamond started to get tears in her eyes "...Why? Did I do something wrong?..is there somepony else?"

You shake your head "no..there's nopony else. And...no..you did nothing wrong. It really is just me Diamond...you gotta understand. I'm not really the best of guys, and I really am not interested in going further than being friends. Please Diamond...please..can we just stay friends?"

Diamond gulped, tears were coming down her eyes, she was feeling the brunt of the friendzone smack her in her heart. "F-friends?...A-anon...why are you doing this? I really really like you..I think..I think I even lo-"

You speak up right there, interrupting her. And get more forceful, fearing that it really could escalate to that point if you just dance around the subject.
"..No..Diamond. Look, it's just a crush. You only really like me because I saved you from some thugs. You think I'm some hero..but...really, I just got lucky. You have no other reason to like me. You barely know me, that's why if anything, we should just be friends. ok?"

"B-but" Diamond began to shiver, blubbering as her tears grow. "I do know you. You're f-funny, and n-nice, and.."

You shake your head
"no, I'm just another guy. Diamond, please. Make it easy on yourself. It's just a crush..you'll get over it...I promise."

You expected her to cry and run away..but instead. she suddenly got angry, stomped her hoof. and looked at you with vicious eyes. "No! I demand to know the real reason why you're doing this! It's Applebloom isn't it? She was acting weird to you yesterday."
there were still tears streaming down her face, but she wasn't going to go down without a fight it seems.

...but you were too serious to back down. Though, her sudden fierceness was a little intimidating.
"No. I'm not interested in her either. In fact, when I thought I was interested in you. I turned her down yesterday. And now I've gotta turn you down. This wasn't meant to be Diamond. I'm sorry."

...you were starting to sound like one of those fanfic characters. But what you were saying was true.

and immediately, Diamond Tiara loses her headway, and falls. She lays on her belly, looking down and crying into her legs. "Why?..Why?! I don't understand why you think it won't work! We're perfect for eachother..A-Anon...."

....urgh...that guilt..you could feel it choking you almost. But you we're having trouble. You didn't know what to do beyond this point. You started to think of every cartoon and anime you could think of. And hoped you could put your knowledge to good use.
You sigh...you got nothing...and. it hurt seeing her cry like that. You lay down next to her. and the moment you do, she starts crying into your side.
"...Diamond...look. If it makes you feel better....."

....this might be a terrible trump card you just drew. But if it helps ease her suffering. And gets you out of it. so be it...
"...if...you're still interested when we're like...a lot older. like..I dunno, teen aged or something. Maybe...sorta...I wouldn't mind trying this....but only if you're still interested..I mean. you never know. a better colt might come along and sweep you off your hooves.."

...you could hear her sobbing slow as she slowly looks up at you "...do you mean that?....y-you wouldn't just...dump me. Would you?"

"Well....I guess I'd have no reason to. I mean..we'd both have to be free in the relationship department for this to happen. But hey, if it happened. Then I guess it'd be...I dunno....Destiny or something.."

"Destiny..." Diamond Tiara ended her sobbing, and with glistening moist eyes, began to ponder "......so...if you don't have anypony..and I don't have anypony...then you'll be my special somepony?"

......shh.....well...that was still a long ways away...and...if you were old enough and didn't have any young hot mare by your side by then...then..who could it hurt?...she'll probably forget this anyway...
You nod
"Yeah..I don't see why not. I mean...like I said...we'd both have to be available.."

Diamond looked at you, a growing determination in her eyes. "....do you promise?"

promise?.....ugh...yes fine...whatever. Whatever you were doing...it was working out fine...you'd just have to pay your dues later. Maybe....fuck..fine...

Diamond stood up, and wiped the tears from her eyes "Good..then Anon...if we get older and have nopony else. Then you have to be my special somepony. Got it?"

Have to?!...well fuck....way to be turned into property all of a sudden.
....you don't nod, you didn't want to show that much certainty.
"..ok...but only if we both don't got somepony...ok?"

"Fine fine...but, if it happens. You better not go back on your promise. Remember, my daddy will do whatever I want him to do. Got that?" Diamond looked directly into your eyes, her flames of determination burning into your soul.

you gulp
"G-got it..."

....it seems....you had done it. You didn't even need Discord's help....but fucking god...you made a deal you may have to uphold later in your life. But...that wouldn't be so bad maybe...It still left your options open. And a decent pick if things went south.

"Good...you said we should be friends for now right?...Well..ok..we'll be friends. And the next time we meet up AS friends...you...me..and Applebloom and the others. WE ARE getting you that cutie mark....I don't want to have a cutie markless coltfriend in the future. I'd have to smack anypony who'd dare make fun of you...and that'd probably be a lot. And you'd be in big big trouble if I bruised my hoof for you . So you better BETTER get one? Understand?"

..you nod, a little stunned by her behavior. It was like a mix of new and old Diamond. You could only guess that she was acting super nice before to attract you. Now it was like she was going to keep a leash on you....ugh..you could never truly win..but this was fine...You succeeded in what you needed to do.

Diamond Tiara, realizing still that the others were not in the clubhouse. Looked to you again for one last thing, becoming softer as she stared into you. "...speaking of which...are we going to be meeting up today?..Because I'd actually like to see what your cutie mark would be as soon as possible.."

You shake your head.
"N-no...I don't think we'll all be meeting up today. But, We'll try tomorrow I guess. mmm...thanks for understanding Diamond. And I'm glad we can still be friends."

Diamond nodded, giving you a little of a longing look "I do understand...so...ummm...what should we do now?"

You....kind of didn't want to be here when the crusaders arrived. You didn't want to explain what happened You just wanted to....absorb everything and then release...and relax. You...you got through this mostly unscathed...good job Anon..
"...I...kind of want to go home and rest for a little while...I've had a stressful day..."

Diamond didn't want to overstep her bounds with you too much. Not after this..she wanted to stay in step of being your friend, without making you lose that "interest". "Y-yeah..I'm feeling a little tired too...I-I think I'll go home and ummm...see what daddy is up to. You'll be ok, right Anon?"

...holy shit..you did it....wooooooooooooooooo...you felt like a weight finally came off of you.
"I'll be ok. You take care Diamond...I'm...gonna hang out here a little longer first. It's gonna take me a little while to go out and find a water source to go home..so uhhhh..I just want to gather my strength."

Diamond Tiara...at first...was about to ask if she could stay with you....but...mnn...no. She'd keep her distance. And let you have your time to recuperate from all this. She says her goodbyes again. And calmly leaves the clubhouse.

...You immediately fall backwards onto your back....holy shit...that went...so incredibly well.

Author's Note:

And to anyone who cares about spoilers. This isn't really over for Diamond Tiara's advances. Oh no. Not by a longshot.

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