• Published 21st Oct 2017
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Dadonequus Discord (Book 1) - CrazedLaughter

Discord makes a deal with an anonymous human. The human gets to live a good life in Equestria. And Discord? he gets to have a son of his own. Of course, his only reason is to impress Fluttershy and annoy Twilight.

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Chapter 51

Applebloom tilted her head, confused "Ah thought you had to check on something?"

"I… had to check for bathrooms… haha… I couldn't find one close by"

"Anon, you coulda just asked to use ours, the farm is right over there you know" Applebloom looked like she wanted to laugh at you "You made it to a bathroom, right?"

...You nod. "Y-yeah, just in time too… hahahahaha… haha.. Ha… So yeah, those cutie marks..."

"Yeah! Hey Anon… you don't mind if we tell you how we got them, do you? We won't if you don't want us to, it's just… we're so excited!" Applebloom said, trying to do her best not to hurt your feelings.

You nod, this could be interesting. Since there’s bound to be some differences from what you saw when you drank that potion.

The three of them bounced up with glee. They looked pretty pleased. Then again, if you had to spend five seasons worth of episodes trying to get something seemingly anyone can get. You'd be ecstatic too.

"How about we tell him in turns?" Sweetie Belle suggested.

"That sounds like a great idea" Nodded Applebloom.

"Alright, then let me go first! A good story is only interesting if it has a cool sounding beginning" Scootaloo said in earnest.

And so they told you everything that happened that day. You just sat there, nodding. So far, it was pretty exact. Seems they are friends with Diamond Tiara now, who is no doubt dealing with a few things of her own at the moment. In fact, the only real difference you could discern from all this is that Diamond Tiara apparently also said something about being able to see who she pleases. hrn...wonder what that meant...

"So Anon, pretty cool right?" Scootaloo said as the three of them looked at you for a positive response.

You clap your front hooves together "Bravo girls! I gotta admit, that's a pretty cool story"

They all smiled happily from your comment. Scootaloo stating "See, told you it was a good idea to let me start"

"And now , we can start helping you get your Cutie Mark, Anon! We ain't done being Cutie Mark Crusaders" Applebloom stated as the three stepped up to you.

Scootaloo nodded "And with the three of us helping you out. You'll have yours in no time!"

But Sweetie Belle stopped, and looked to her fellow crusaders "Uhhh… girls? How exactly are we going to do it? We actually… we actually don't know much about Anon"

"No problem, all we gotta do is just sorta do a survey thing and we'll figure it out in no time!" Applebloom said

Scootaloo nodded, she liked that idea "Hey, that's an awesome idea, then we can pinpoint what we need to do to help Anon!"

Sweetie Belle took the initiative to get a notebook and pencil ready to write down anything that may be important "Let's do it then, I'll write up all of Anon's answers!"

Well, then. If it helps. "So uh, what kind of questions are you girls going to ask me then?"

"Ummm, ah haven't figured that out yet, you girls got anything?" Applebloom asked

"I got a few" Said Scootaloo, she looked at you with a determined intensity "Anon, I want you to answer these questions truthfully and honestly, got it?"

You nod to her. "Yeah, sure, honesty is my middle name."

Again, you had to think, could you even really get a cutie mark? Discord said you were a natural earth pony due to the power of the mirror… but did the same rules really apply?

"Ok then! First question, are you good on a scooter?" Was that a serious question?... Well, she looked serious.

You shook your head. "Never tried."

Scootaloo turned to Sweetie Belle "You're getting this right Sweetie Belle?"

Sweetie Belle nodded as she wrote both the question and your answer down with haste and precision "Yup!"

Scootaloo turned back to face you "Next question. What's your favorite thing to do in Ponyville? no.. no.. of all~ Equestria!"


"Uhmnn? Come on Anon, you gotta have a favorite something." Scootaloo expected an instant answer from you

"Well, uhmm..." You were drawing blanks, it's not as if you were from Equestria even… Still, maybe something from your world could fit into this, just tweak it a bit.

"Well...I like arcade games, I'm really good at them actually"

"Really good at them? How good?" Scootaloo was curious

"Well, I can 1cc Metal Sl-...a game"


"Oh, it means without using a continue, one credit clear basically, doing it in a single qua… ah, bit."

They all looked amazed at that, even Sweetie Belle had to stop writing. "Clearing an arcade game in a single bit? And you don't have a cutie mark? I don't know anypony that is THAT good"

Scootaloo was in awe. Applebloom was unsure however "That's the truth right Anon? Ya can really do that?"

You nod. "Yeah, I did it quite a couple of times back home. Had to practice a lot though."

"And yet… no cutie mark… hmmm" Scootaloo was thinking deeply, there had to be a reason. "If you don't have a cutie mark based on that… Then whatever your cutie mark actually is… it must be pretty amazing..."

"Well, there’s no reason for Anon to lie about that… but, I just wonder… hmm, Anon, are ya good at anything else?" Applebloom asked

Good at anything else? "Well...I was really good at dodgeball as a k-... I'm really good at dodgeball."

"Dodgeball huh? Do you like dodgeball?" Scootaloo asked

"It's alright, not something I'd want as a cutie mark though."

"Well, it wouldn't be that bad. We have dodgeball leagues, not in Ponyville, but we could sign you up for a tournament in Manehatten if you're really really good, we can even train you. What do you think girls?" Scootaloo turned to her crusaders

"That sounds like fun! I'm pretty good at Dodgeball myself!" Applebloom said, a hint of pride in her voice

Sweetie Belle nodded as well "I could ask Rarity to arrange the trip! She could get us there easily!"

"What do you say Anon, ya want to try it?" Applebloom asked you.

Huh, well, roller derby and karate was in Equestria, so Dodgeball wasn't a far off guess… but to actually be in a tournament? Hahaha, you'd torch them. You were pretty nimble as a kid. "Yeah why not? I wouldn't mind trying it out. Do you girls got any balls so we can practice a little?"

"As a matter of fact, we do! We kept a sports stuff around from our last few crusades. You just go outside Anon and stretch your legs, we'll be out in a minute" Scootaloo said as she and the others went to a box to pull some balls out.

Welp… Ok. You do what they ask and step outside. You walk down the boardwalk down to ground level… not falling on your head this time. And stand at the ready.

The next moment, the door opened and ball after ball started falling down in front of you. geez, they had a lot of dodgeballs. They then rushed down in front of you, instructing you to step back as they gathered the balls into one spot.

You step back until they tell you to stop. They then grab a ball in each hoof, Sweetie Belle even managing to lift one or two with her magic. Their faces suddenly became a little menacing, ooohhh boy...

"Alright Anon, I hope your ready to dodge, because we aren't going to let up for one minute! are you ready?"

You nod, you were sure you could do this. "Yeah, bring it!"

"Let him have it girls!" Cried out Scootaloo

And holy fuck, their tosses was fast. Even with Sweetie Belle launching her balls via magic. Applebloom had the fastest throw of the three. You do your best to dodge, and manage to dodge a few of the initial throws since they went to where you were standing. But it didn't take long for one of Applebloom's shots to knock you clean on your ass.


They stop throwing, and walk up towards you. "You ok Anon?" Asked Applebloom

"Y-yeah… geez, you throw hard..."

"Well, Ah am an earth pony who works on a farm" Applebloom giggled

"...Wow Anon, we didn't even throw half the balls and you got hit. I thought you said you were good at dodgeball" Scootaloo was pretty disappointed. That meant your cutie mark wasn't in dodgeball.

You slowly got up and shook yourself a bit to get off any dirt. "Well, I thought I was good. But, I can promise you, I'm pretty good at arcade games."

"But not enough for a Cutie Mark… are ya sure ya did that 1cc thing you mentioned?" Applebloom said, now skeptical.

You nod. "Yes I'm sure… but I guess I wasn't really meant to have a cutie mark in that. It's been awhile since I played any arcade game"

Sweetie Belle lit up, it seemed she had an idea "I know what we can do!"

"What's that Sweetie Belle?" Asked Applebloom.

"Well, it's obvious this isn't exactly working, so if we are going to learn about Anon and figure out what Cutie Mark he would get. We have to do what Twilight would do, and observe Anon naturally and see what he does! That way, we get more of a feel of what he's actually good at and what he likes."

Observe? "Uuhhh… What exactly do you mean by "observe" Sweetie Belle?"

"Exactly that Anon, we just watch what you do with your day and write stuff down. Then we compare notes and figure out what it all could mean for your Cutie Mark. It's so easy that you don't have to do anything but what you usually do!"

"Say Sweetie Belle, that's a really good idea!" Scootaloo said

"It really is! Ah bet in a couple of days we could figure out Anon's cutie mark for sure!" Added Applebloom

Uhhh… being followed around by these three? It's not that you didn't mind. It's just you didn't really do much but talk… mostly to other adults thus far… and usually female. "Are you girls sure about this? I mean, I don't really do much.".

"Come on Anon, don't be that way. Just give it a chance, we promise not to get in your way or nothin'!" Applebloom pleaded, giving you big sad eyes.

Then the other two gave you big sad eyes. All three were giving you sad eyes and you could feel your sugar levels increasing to diabetes levels.

You sigh deeply. "Ok...ok...But I warned you"

They all got excited and started hopping around, crying out for sure that you'd have your cutie mark. Then they suddenly stopped, and stared at you. Almost creepily.

"Uhhmmm....what are you girls doing?"

"Just observing, just pretend we aren't here" Said Sweetie Belle, her face not changing a bit.

Alrighty… so...

"So what… do I just… go about my day as normal?"

All three nod.

"Ok… going to go… do… stuff… uhh… so, I can just go?"

They all nod again.


Ok was right… What the fuck were you going to do? Welp, time to wander aimlessly into town and look for something to do.

And so you do just that. The CMC following you from a distance, even hiding behind things as you just walk into town. You even pull out your map to see if there was any notable locations you might want to go to. Maybe you could finally spend some time with Ponk? No… the CMC wanted to see you do something actiony… probably.

You stop, first you look deep into your map. Then you look at the CMC, who were hiding behind a cart… observing. Come on Anon, there’s like a million things you could do. You just got to think.

It could be anything, there’s literally a cutie mark for anything. You just had to think of fucking something. Anything… Anything… and a few things you didn't want to be was a window washer or a paper pusher… dammit.

Wait… you had knowledge of things this world didn't. Maybe you could introduce… nope. Not like you knew how to do anything advanced yourself. And introducing this world to something others came up with was probably not worth a mark.

As you thought. standing there, you could see the CMC getting a little anxious. But what could you do? All you had was adult knowledge and enough knowledge of saturday morning c-cartooo… wait a second.

Wait...that was something… maybe… maybe you could make that into a talent. Use your saturday morning know how to solve problems and issues that arise. All you had to do was be more competent about it. Any villain, any problem, any kind of trouble you would face, you could easily figure out the solution to it and either solve it yourself or get the ones required to solve it. Like, if you were in the Canterlot wedding episodes. It'd be easy to go all Solid Snake and snap a photo of Queen Chrysalis if she ever went back to her original form at any point. Or go looking for a dumb changeling to snap a photo of. Or with Tirek, you would have just dropped like a boulder on him or something, lure him out with a willing decoy like Scooby and Shaggy was used for.

Now the question was… what was around you at this moment that you could solve. Obviously not a villain. But maybe a friendship or a practical problem.

Anon, Ace Problem Solver… That had a nice ring to it. You started walking around town. Looking for a problem, usually. if there was a problem. The mane 6 would usually stumble upon it. There had to be a problem somewhere... "Come on, come on… I just need one."

The CMC were probably confused as hell as to what you were doing. So be it, you were sure this had to be it. Hell, if you even spotted Starlight Glimmer, that could be something. You could probably debate her on her whole Cutie Mark stance… as long as she didn't fucking kidnap you or something.

Maybe you just had to ask around? Agh! Dammit, this was infuriating… and somewhat familiar. "Come on...come on..doesn't anyone have a problem? Isn't there some villainy going on in this town?...anything?" You started grinding your teeth, you were really getting into this.

But everywhere you looked was happy cute ponies doing happy cute things. Wait… WAIT! There was something...


The dress… The dress you touched. Maybe you could help her get whatever she needed to fix it. That's right. You should anyway, you did mess it up. Maybe if you help her, it would get you closer to that Cutie Mark. You just need to solve the problem faster than any episode would make you think it'd be solved.

You look for the Boutique on your map, put it in your saddlebag, and rush off.
the CMC get startled as you run towards then past them, they start following you, wondering what you were doing.

And you ran… You ran so far away… well not that far. You reach the Boutique. Yeah Rarity wasn't in before. But that's because probably at that time she was with Sweetie Belle congratulating her on her mark. She had to be there now.

The CMC seemed confused as hell, they were still in the distance. Sweetie Belle seemed extra confused. You knock...daintily...on the door. You were ready. YOU WERE READY.

It didn't take too long for her to open the door. "Hello, Welcome to… oh… Hello Anon. How are you this afternoon?" Rarity, polite as ever. But she stretched her head out looking around, she may have been making sure Discord wasn't with you. "Anon, are you by yourself?"

Well, the CMC did say to pretend they weren't there. You nod. "Yeah, and I kind of wanted to visit you, uhmm, Miss Rarity"

Rarity giggled "Oh my, you came all this way for a visit? What I did for your eye wasn't that amazing was it? Speaking of," She examined your face. She could see the makeup was gone, but your black eye was almost gone as well "Good, it's almost cleared up. Why, you could barely tell it was there."

Rarity stood aside so you could enter, she noticed you were a little disheveled from running. "Come right in Anon, You look like you just ran right over."

You step inside, Rarity following as she shuts the door on the CMC's prying eyes. "So Anon, what brings you here? I can't imagine it being a dress." Rarity asked as she hovered a seat right by you for you to sit at.

"Oh no no, I actually came to see if you needed any help… with something."

Rarity gave you a warm smile "Doing more hero work, Anon? You really should be taking it easy. It hasn't been that long since you came out of the hospital. Especially with the fact you had to deal with those two horrible creatures who call themselves ponies. I swear, if those two had touched Sweetie Belle… I would have... I WOULD HAVE!!"

Rarity could feel some rage growing inside her, she immediately stopped, and smiled, embarrassed. "Ahrm..yes...well. Let's just say things wouldn't have been pleasant."

"Well, I'm feeling pretty good. And I remember something about a dress. I thought maybe I could help you out with it. It's not really hero work, it's just… well, I just want to help solve your problem. I mean, if you haven't solved it yet."

Rarity took a moment to think, but, she didn't want you to go out of the way for her. "Anon, We barely even know each other and you want to push yourself more than you have to? That simply won't do! Why don't you just relax, perhaps I could make you a fine outfit to compliment your brave heroism?"

NO.. NO.. YOU NEEDED TO DO THIS! CUTIE MARKRWKSFDKKDK. You don't know what it was, but this idea. It had to be it. You felt overcome with the desire to try it. It was confusing. And yet… it felt right. "That's really generous of you Miss Rarity. But I just really want to help you with this."

Actually...that got you curious. "Umm, actually… why would touching the dress ruin it? I heard that something about it was special"

Rarity looked into your eyes, and she saw… burning conviction. You weren't going to take no for an answer. But she wanted to find a way to convince you not to help But first. "Well, the dress was incomplete. It was going to be a spectacular dress for Princess Celestia herself! I had managed to buy very expensive, very rare "Radiant" gems from the crystal empire, gems that when touched with hooves would glow with the intensity reflective of the one who touched it. But unfortunately, once touched. It only glows for that pony. And whoever touched it must have had a very negative attitude because not only were the gems dark as night but the color of the dress became an ugly green. I don't even know how that would happen… but Anon, that's exactly why you should put that silly but sweet notion of helping me to rest. You can't just go to the Crystal Empire to get these gems for me. And unfortunately, I can't just order them either due to how delicate they are. I'll just have to come up with something else." She sighed.

Crystal Empire huh?... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! What fucking luck. Whether it was by design or just goddamn luck. You had a direct way of getting to the Crystal Empire… And even if you didn’t, Discord could get you there anyway. He was obviously going to have to help you with the cash. But you could surprise Rarity with those gems… Yeah sure, you were fixing your own mistake. But you had this solved faster than anyone else could.

You already had every idea already planned in your head. You would have to make sure to get more than enough of these Radiant Gems to make up for your own mistake. "Gee Rarity… that's rough, I-I guess… Well, I hope you could do something about it. And, I guess I could make one little order..."

"Name it darling, I'll just need your measurements and we can get started."

No, she wouldn't need that. You realized, you were at the boutique, and a certain new friend did need a matching ribbon for her hat. "Nah, all I need is a ribbon of like, a darkish blue blended with a pink color. Do you know Bonbon?"

Rarity nodded "Yes, she's one of my many customers." Rarity seemed confused "You need a ribbon with the colors of her mane?"

You nodded. "Exactly, about the size needed for a sunhat. Could you do that for me please?"

Rarity nodded, still confused "Yes, but, uhm, wouldn't you like more of a suit or perhaps a nice looking custom hat? Or even a nice scarf for the winter time? It's really no trouble. It's the least I could do for what you've done for Ponyville."

You shake your head. "Nope, it's fine. And uhh, I'll pick it up in like an hour or so. Thanks a bunch Rarity!"

"Hmmm… Well if that's what you want but, an hour or so? Anon, I can have it done for you in a minute. You needn't go anywhere."

No, you did. You wanted to have a reason for her not to leave while you go buy these gems. Discord, you hoped… would fit the bill. "I'm really sorry, but I gotta go check up on dad for something. I promise I'll be back soon for it. Ok? Please… Pretty please?"

Rarity was so confused. The hero colt, a colt… just wanting a free and simple ribbon, couldn't wait and had to be gone for hours just to come and pick it up. she was a professional. She said she'd do this for free, and you were the customer.

"Very well Anon! I shall prepare the ribbon and have it ready for you by the time you return from your business."


You got up..hrn...you didn't need the CMC stopping you or wondering what you were doing. You knew they were still out there. You didn't want them slowing you down, But you didn't want to just tell them you were leaving, no. You'd just find a way to have them wait there. Get done what you needed done. come back, get the ribbon. come out, and then tell them something as to why you took so long.

"Miss Rarity...do you have a bathroom I could use?"

Rarity points down a hall. "Why yes, it's in the back. Anon, why don't you just pick up the ribbon wh-"

You immediately interrupt her. "Thanks gotta go!"

You rush to back and find the door to the bathroom. Without wasting time, you fill the tub with just a little bit of water. You take out your map. and toss it in to create the portal. You then shut the water off.

"Ok… so there’s a flaw in this. She's going to wonder where i buggered off to. And how I managed it. It's fine, She seemed pretty serious about the whole business thing. So she'll be here when I get back… ok… well..GERONIMO!"

You hop into the portal.

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