Dadonequus Discord (Book 1)

by CrazedLaughter

Chapter 277

Author's Note:

Tonight!
Anon cries
Discord cries
And there's some form of explosion

Dammit. You could feel cold liquid that used to be snow leaking out your ass. You were chilled to the bone. And the fucking wind was picking up pretty bad. Your scarf, mane, and ears started to blow with it.

Discord just smiled and waved to the last of the ponies who were willing to come to the booth. The rest either went home or to see what's up with the Crystalling. "There, it shouldn't take long now. Word will spread that I'll be snapping innocent photos that won't bother anypony and surely one of the princesses will have a...uhh" Discord looks down at your shivering form. "What happened to you?"

"D-don't w-w-worry about i-t-t" You shivered, trying to get the scarf to make you feel warm.

Discord snaps his talons. Making you feel a warmth all along your body as a winter coat and cap appear upon you. "Better?"

Yeah, it was. Woah. "Yeah, thanks Discord.. heh, not like you to be so helpful. Any reason why?"

Discord shrugged. "If Twilight saw you shivering like that she'd complain that I wasn't a good father. Mustn't have that. Oh no, this must be perfect. And besides, I need my little pal in tip top condition for maximum gloating when this is over."

Cute, if you can call it that. Discord, with each scheme, was treating you more and more like an actual partner. It actually felt pretty great. "Well thanks...but uhh..Discord" You point up to the sky. "What about the sky? The clouds? It's getting worse and worse every minute. Are you sure it's fine?"

Discord chuckles and give you a gentle pat on the head, doing his best to calm your nerves. "Worry not, Anon. Like I said, weather in Equestria works differently than it does on Earth. What could possibly be wrong with the sky? What in Equestria could a small flurry of snow do to an entire empire?"

You look upwards and see Princess Celestia and Luna.....Battling the sky? Wut? "Uhhhhh, I dunno. Do you think we should ask them that?"

"Hmmm?" Discord was confused by your words until you pointed up, the princesses immediately catching his attention as he enters an instant rage. His eyebrows bursting into flame. "WHAT?! HOW?! WE SPENT THE ENTIRE DAY ACTING NICE, PARTAKING IN GROUP ACTIVITIES, AND EVEN GIVING BACK TO THE COMMUNITY AND YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME THAT I WAS UPSTAGED BY A BUNCH OF CLOUDS?! HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?! I OFFERED FREE BABY PICTURES FOR TARTARUS SAKE! WHAT MORE DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET A LITTLE CHAOS GOING ON AROUND HERE?!"

Something is REALLY going on and he's getting pissed about the princesses not giving him attention. Typical. "Discord, I don't think that's important right now. I'm telling you, there's something REALLY going wrong around here. We need to find out what's going on."

But Discord refused, still angry. He looks upwards and tries to figure out why the princesses would pay attention to a storm over him. "How...HOW?! It's just a simple storm. I need to figure out a way to turn this around......but how?"

You shake Discord's leg, but to no avail. And then...that's when you both hear it. The shrill shriek of adorkable. "DISCCCOOOOORD!"

Discord's ear perks up. And his rage vanished as his mouth curled to a crooked smile. "Ahhh, never mind. It seems the plan is still coming along perfectly. Anon, act natural, quick quick."

Dammit Discord. "Fine..fine...But after she has her spaz we really need to find out what's going on" You take a deep breath. And try to act natural

"Discord! Discord!" Twilight was flying about, looking for him it seemed. and the moment she noticed him, she flew down, looking frantic and scared. Here we go...

"Ahh Twilight, how nice to see you." Discord replies before she can say anything more. "Whatever seems to be the trouble?" Discord acts concerned, waiting for those words from Twilight so he can bite back.

"Discord, thank Celestia! There you are!" Twilight looked worried as fuck, she didn't look angry or pissed, just scared. "We need your help Discord, please come back to the castle with m-"

Discord crosses his arms and interrupts her, his expression full of fake disgrace and sadness. "T-twilight! How could you?! How could you blame me for causing a problem when Anon and I have just been enjoying our vacation?"

You raise your hoof, trying to correct him. "Uhhh Discord...I don't think she's mad at us"

Discord tilts his head towards you as he points to Twilight. "Of course she is, look at how distraught she looks."

"No, Discord! He's right. I came to ask for your help, it's really important. We don't have time for games!" Oh yeah, Twilight was spazzing about something. It had to be those fucking dark clouds. What the fuck happened?

But Discord just looked at her stoically for a moment before donning reading glasses and flipping through a dictionary. "Twilight, could you please define 'Help' for me? I think you're using it wrong."

"Make it easier for somepony to do something by offering one's services or resources." Twilight recited like an audible dictionary.

"...Right" Discord's expression didn't change as he tossed the book away.

"Discord, this is very serious. We can't waste any time. Please, we really need..your...help?" Twilight looked upon her surroundings, they changed.

Discord wasted no time in snapping his talons and warping the three of you inside the castle. In a big open room that looked like it stored the Crystal Heart....except..no Crystal Heart. Huh..

"Yes yes, time is of the essence, bla bla. How disappointing, I expected something else entirely" Discord then looks around, he notices Cadance, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie. And....Oh dear god.

The baby was a fucking ALICORN?! WAS THAT THE PROBLEM?! AN ALICORN BABY?! AND THAT FUCKING HORN!..you were afraid to get a view of Cadance's candy vag. It can't be pretty no more.

"Ahhh, Fluttershy" Discord smiles happily as he approaches her. "I didn't realize you also needed my help. Tell me please, what can I do to make everypony's day better since it seems the alicorn brigade is utterly failing at,hmm?"

"Discord...?" Fluttershy was surprised he just appeared, but she seemed pretty relieved as well. Yep, definite problem. "Twilight, didn't you tell him what was wrong?"

"I'm trying! Discord, listen. The Crystal Heart was blown apart, we need you to use your magic to fix it. I've been trying to use an artifact reconstitution spell, but it just isn't working." Twilight explained as quick as she could.

Never mind, fuck the crazy alicorn baby that was attached to Pinkie's face. THE CRYSTAL HEART IS DESTROYED?! FUCKING..HOW!? "W-woah what?! does that mean that dark cloud is Sombra or something? Wait...wait" If it's Sombra, then this is no big. Discord was here. "Hold on, why are we panicking? Why not just have Dad kick Sombra's face in or something?"

Cadance shakes her head. It wasn't Sombra? "Anon, Sombra is gone. But this storm, it was generated when the Crystal Heart was destroyed. And it's only going to get worse. We're running out of options. That's why we need your father."

"Discord please, you can fix this. Can't you?" Fluttershy looks at him with big pleading eyes.

Discord felt a near maternal feeling. A feeling of protective courage. He had to do this..for her. He rolled up his arms like sleeves and spit into his paw and talons and pressed them together. "Well, if you insist. I don't expect a parade. Just acknowledgement and a very very large statue proclaiming me as the best ever. Not best hero...just best" Discord looks around and sees the shattered pieces of the heart on the ground. "I assume that's it?" He points.

"Sheesh, it's in teeny tiny pieces. What happened?" Just...how?!

"Oh! That's an easy one to answer. The baby blew it up." Pinkie chimes in with a smile "Isn't she a cutie?"

The alicorn baby, light pinkish in color, with a purple and blue curled mane, was sucking it's hoof. The moment Pinkie held her up. She cooed and giggled. ....Good god. "....Ok then. Welp, Dad...you can do this right?"

"Of course I can...watch and learn and witness REAL magic. Here we go!" Discord points his talon at the shards of the heart. It glows black and red for a moment and reforms.

"Ha! Take that! Discord always wins!" Discord smirks as he blows away the smoke from his talon.

But after a few seconds. The Heart falls apart in mid air.

"Oh no!" Fluttershy gasps. "It didn't work?!"

"This is bad..." Cadance winced the moment it broke.

"Wait wait..hold on. Let me try again.....HERE WE GO!" Discord shot a bigger blast this time. Reforming the heart, putting tape around it, then chaining it up....and it still fell apart. "Ahrm… how dire is the situation exactly?" Discord asked, not even moving a muscle from his shooting position.

"Princess Celestia said if we don't get the Crystal Heart repaired soon. Then the entire Empire will be destroyed. Possibly even Equestria. Discord, are you actually trying? Was that really your best?" Twilight wanted to be sure he wasn't up to any tricks.

"Yes..." Discord's stare became distant. As if that information killed him inside. Then suddenly, you and Fluttershy grew suitcase handles from your backs as Discord put on a trilby and trench coat and grabbed the both of you by your "handles". "Wellll, it seems vacation is over. I'm packed and ready to go. So long everypony!"

But before Discord could snap his talons to disappear. Fluttershy gave him a very...very...very sad stare "Discord....please put me down..please."

Discord cringed as he lifted her up to eye level. He looked at her, visually begging. "Fluttershy don't look at me like that. If I can't fix this, then who can?"

"Discord..." Fluttershy gently put her hoof on the side of his face as slowly and gently rubbed. "We still have to try. Thank you for doing your best. I really appreciate it. Please, take Anon and take care of him. I have to stay here and help figure things out. If there's really nothing we can do. We'll evacuate, alright?"

Wait..WAIT..WHAT?! IF THERE'S NOTHING THEY CAN DO? BUT...TWILIGHT FAILED. IF TWILIGHT FAILED IN WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE A SEASON ENDER OR OPENER. THEN.....who else could fix this? Something changed. Did this ever even happen in the show? or was going to?....Fluttershy. "Aunt Fluttershy. I'll stay with you A-and Dad can stay too. Maybe there's something else we can do."

"Anon..." Fluttershy was worried, she felt it was too dangerous for you to stay. She saw you in that winter coat and scarf and realized that if this cold was enough to make you go full jacket already, then how would you handle it when it got worse? "Don't worry alright?" She gives you a cheerful smile. "We've done this so many times before. We'll find a way to fix everything very soon. Just go home and Well...We'll have dinner later. How about that?"

NO! FUCKING SHIT! SOMETHING CHANGED! TWILIGHT COULDN'T FIX THIS, THAT MEANS SOMETHING IS WRONG! YOU COULDN'T LEAVE! "Aunt Fluttershy!" You scrunch your nose in impatience and stubbornness. "I'm not leaving! We can still do-"

"Anon!" Discord says darkly as he gently puts the both of you down. He faced away. His voice hard and cold. "We're going. if your aunt thinks it's best. Then we are leaving....Fluttershy, I wish you good luck."

"Discord...I promise we'll be ok. Don't worry alright? You don't need to sound so cold." Fluttershy gives him a little nuzzle on the side

"I'm merely asserting my dominance as a father. Anon needs to understand that at times like this. It is best to do what is asked even if it is difficult to do so. Say goodbye Anon" Discord says, his emotion leaving him.

"B-but....That's insane! Can't you get rid of the clouds? What about that?"

"I could, but they are manifesting from nothing due to the destruction of the Crystal Heart. I can see it. I could remove them, but they'd come back. And if I kept doing it, the concentrated chaos in one spot could tear Equestria asunder." And that's all he said. Not even a quick quip on how that could be a good thing.

But you refused. "B-but W-" But again, there is a cutoff. Discord didn't give you your chance as you are teleported into a room.

But it wasn't...your room.

Or any room you recognized.

Wait...Maybe you did recognize this room. There was a whiteboard with a few markers next to a table with many chairs. Behind you was a counter with a coffee machine and many cabinet doors. There was a potted plants. white walls. and windows brimming with light. And a door....a door that opened as Discord, in a black coat with a white undershirt, with a scraggly beard and using a cane steps in as he walks to the whiteboard. "Anon, here already? Hold on." Discord pulls out a medicine bottle...that had jelly beans in it. And spilled a few out into his mouth. "There we are. That should deal with the impending migraine"

Wut? You looked at yourself. you were wearing a doctor's coat. Wait… "House?...really?"

Discord slammed his cane on the table. "Shut it, you can go play house with your dolls later" Discord grabs a marker and writes on the whiteboard "Crystal Heart diagnoses and solution". "Now, ladies and gentlecolts. It's diagnosis time."

..So wait… "We're not giving up then?"

Discord nods. "No, of course not. This is Fluttershy we're talking about. I just didn't want to argue with her. But, it's not like I'm going to listen either. And I noticed something. Something in your eyes. You have something to say about this, don't you? Tell me..." Discord expands his right ear and puts his paw near it to listen to you closely. "I'm all ears"

Nmmm… "This whole thing isn't right, Discord. Twilight always manages to solve a gigantic crisis like this. If she needed you, if she can't do it herself, then we changed something for the worse. That means we need to find a way to fix it before things get worse."

Discord nods as he balances himself on his cane. "I knew it. And this Anon...is a perfect example of a talent you had back in your human life. Something we need now"

...Human life?...A talent? What?...You....didn't have any talents back then. "What...talent are you talking about?"

"Being an absolute loser" Discord replies with a snarky grin.

.......Asshole. "What?! What the fuck, Discord! This is serious!" You slam your hooves on the table with anger. "WHY ARE YOU SUCH AN ASS"

"Because it's part of the theme, dummy." Discord starts walking with his cane to the window shades and fully closes them. "And when I say loser, I mean it in a good way. You, Anon, have record of many cartoons, ami-ani...amine... and other things that are usually utterly useless to anypony. But considering our universe ran through your world as an idea turned television, then our problem falls in line with that sort of thinking. And that means....you hold the key in figuring out the solution to this problem. If Twilight can't fix this, then surely you can think of something that can."

What? Wait..did he mean… "Are you asking me to come up with an alternative plot? Are you...asking me to come up with another way to fix this that would fit into an episode?"

Discord nods as he points to the whiteboard with his cane. "That's exactly what I'm saying. We're going to narrow this down to the best possible answers and run with it. Anon, I trust in you. You're my partner, and for Fluttershy's sake.." His words became softer. He was talking from his heart. "We need to figure this out as soon as we can. We need to save Equestria."

Discord then looks over at the whiteboard itself"Now then Anon. What we do know is that we have a destructive snowstorm building up in the Crystal Empire due to some magical means. We need to repair the Crystal Heart to stop it. But our chaos magic nor does the spell Twilight has been trying doesn't seem to work at all. So, in this kind of situation, how would something like this be solved in a cartoon show?"

How would it be solved? "Let's see..." You enter deep thought. "Usually, if the main character couldn't solve a task and needed a forgotten magical spell or item, they would be told that some old wizard or hermit would have the spell or item."

"Interesting start" Discord writes down "Old wizard" on the board. "So we only need to find an old wizard? Tell me, where exactly would one live?"

"H-hold on Discord. I'm not done. It could be an old wizard, and if it is, he's going to be a total hermit. He wouldn't want to see us and would be stubborn enough to even die if it meant sticking to his ways. Since this is related to the Crystal Heart however, I'd think he'd be living somewhere in the city. So his house either looks shabby or has, I dunno, a wizardy look to it."

Discord starts to write down everything you said. Then rubs under his chin. "Hmmm, stubborn hm? So what you're saying is we might have to torment him until he gives in to what we want"

Oh nononono. "No, let's...let's not do that. A stubborn old guy like that would just become super angry and try to get rid of us. There's a possibility he might give up and give us what we want. But then there's a possibility he'll give us something fake. And if that happens, if this is all time based, we'd be screwed."

Discord slams his cane on the table, he was being impatient. "Anon, we don't have time to win this old codger over! Unless we can sway him with a song and dance number, warping his mind might be the only way!"

But, what if it failed? You were all for forcing answers. But in cartoons, the hermit usually ends up being super powerful...or a fraud. "Well Discord, I'm just saying, we could do it your way. But it could just as easily blow up in our faces. But..BUT...There's another possibility."

"Another possibility? As in, another way to make him see eye to eye?" Discord waits impatiently for your explanation. Tapping the bottom of the cane on the floor.

You nod. "Not exactly, I meant on who we need to see. The old wizard could also possibly be some guy who just collects a whole bunch of books and artifacts but is not actually too good at magic himself. In this scenario, he or she usually has what we need but won't think or cop to it either because he wants to create the illusion that he's better than he is, or he could just be having self esteem issues and just wants to seem great . If that's the case, then we only need to cheer the guy up, fill him with confidence, and tell him what our problem is. And if that doesn't work, we can force him to give us what we need since he wouldn't be able to stop us."

"I would feel cheer in my soul for that last comment if it wasn't the fact we are short on time" Discord says as he writes a split from the old wizard, signifying it could just be a wuss. "So then, any other possibilities?"

"Would you know if there was some sinister evil being causing all this? Like, if maybe Sombra did return?"

Discord shakes his head. "I'm sure. If it was, I would have attended to him personally...." Discord starts to ponder on that. "I wonder how he would have done as an extra roommate. You do need an uncle after all."

He complains about being short on time and he fucking makes that damn quip. Holy fuck, you better hope it's not fucking Sombra. You were afraid that wasn't a joke. "Dammit Discord, don't joke around like that! And what about our issue? Hell, even with all this information, What's the plan on finding this guy, if he even exists."

"Oh don't change the subject now Anon! wouldn't you want Sombra as your uncle? He could regale you on stories of crystals and stairs!" Discord smirks at you as he downs more jelly beans through his nostril.

You just plant your face on the table. Goddammit, he's so damn random sometimes. "...You kill me sometimes...ugh...look, can we just come up with how we're even gonna find this old wizard?"

"Anon, Anon, Anon, for shame" Discord shakes his head as he waggles his talon at you. "Haven't you ever wondered how I can appear whenever and wherever I want at any time no matter who it is? Even Tirek was easy to find simply because I had him in my thoughts. With this information, if this pony wizard does exist, we'll end up at his doorstep with a snap of my talons. Of course, given there are two possibilities that you have mentioned. I'll teleport the both of us to the two most possible candidates. It's as simple as that."

Was it...really that simple? Well...it had to be. He always did show up whenever he wanted to on anyone he wanted to pester. "Ok, if that's all it takes. Then let's do it. I'm ready. But how will we contact one another if we find the right guy?"

"Easy, if I find the right guy, I'll bring you to me, and if I find the wrong guy, I'll go over to you. Come on, use that titanium cranium of yours for more than just taking shots." Discord readies to snap his talons.

Ugh, he was probably right on that one. That was indeed simple to think of. "Ok..alright. Let's do it"

Discord snaps his talons on your word. And in a flash, you end up at… A rather modest looking old home around a wooded area. The wood was oldish grey and brown, there was some bushes, It honestly looked like an old human home out in the woods....but wait. The sky, it was clear. And...ahead of you was Ponyville....oh shit.

And even worse, there was an old donkey with a watering can in his mouth. He had on what had to be a wig. And he didn't look to pleased as he put it down. Oh...wait...this was....oh shit.

"Well, there seems to be a young colt on my flowers I've been a growin." Despite his sour look, he seemed pretty calm that you just appeared in front of him. It was fucking Cranky.

But as you look down and lift your right hoof. You could see a bent flower that snaps in two from the pressure you put on it. "Oh..U-umm...erm...Sorry mister."

Cranky just looks at your horn necklace, then back at you. "You're that hero colt fellow, aren't you. Discord's adopted son?"

You slowly nod as you smile sheepishly. "Y-yeah, I'm him. My name is A-anon, nice to meet you so...erm..suddenly."

"Well it's good to meet you too Anon. NOW GET OFF MY FLOWERS BEFORE I SMASH THIS WATERING CAN ON YOUR HEAD! OF COURSE, EVEN BEING CALLED THE HERO COLT THAT A SON OF THE SPIRIT OF CHAOS WOULD FIND IT FUN TO SMASH MY POOR FLOWERS!"

Oh shit! Dammit! You quickly get off his flowers and back off. You were scared he might actually try to do it. "N-no, That's..no! Look it was an accident. I just ended up here."

Cranky went to tend to one of the flowers, but as he slowly raised it with his hoof, the petals fell off and it keeled over. Looking at the flowers themselves, they were all beautiful petunias of different colors carefully arranged into a rainbow. "I don't CARE how you ended up here! smashing my flowers is not what I'd call fun!" Cranky then looked at you with red on his face. "Do you realize how long I've been growing these? Do you have no respect for anypony that you'd just think you can just come over to my house and smash up my flowers that I've been spending months on just so you can have your little jollies? Why I oughta!"

Cranky almost looks like he's about to smack you,causing you to flinch, but in his own realization that he might have, he hesitates, then stops. He then points back to town. "Get out of here! I don't want to see your face around here unless..." He sighs, and tries to get a grip on himself, he knew he was only mad because he had been growing the flowers for his wife Matilda. "Unless you come back here and give me a sincere apology, and promise never to cause trouble here again. You need to learn to make better first impressions squirt. You really do, because I can see on your face you realized how wrong you were. Now git. I have to get to fixing this"

Ahhh fucking geez. You meet this guy for the first time and it fucking goes wrong in an instant. You actually felt really bad about what you've done. But you doubted, even though he was letting you go, that he was going to believe you were trying to save the world as an excuse. You apologize again and start walking away before suddenly, in a flash, you reappear back in the Crystal Empire back in full winter gear. And shit, it was getting worse, ‘blizzard’ worse. "What..huh?..What..Where am I now?"

Suddenly, you feel yourself get picked up and turned around. To be facing a green crystal home at the end of a road. It had a strange..orange crystal...wizard hat....oh shit.

"Annnnoooonn" Discord says in a sing-song tone. "I fooooounnnnnnddd it!"

"Holy fuck....I was right?" You actually felt a sense of pride and excitement as you wiggle around in his grasp. "I WAS RIGHT! HAHA! WE CAN DO THIS!"

Discord puts you down gently as you wiggled about. the moment he did, you didn't realize you were actually making a running motion and you smashed your head right at the door. Discord just smirks as he turns into a pony. "Well, that takes care of the knocking"

"Ow...geez" You start rubbing your head. "...I gotta be more careful." But, as you rubbed. You hear the door slightly open.

You could see a...rather cute orangish pony with little spectacles and a beard and a white stripe of fur on his face. He even had white fur on his legs that made it look like socks. It was actually cute. "A-ahrm..ahrm..umm..Hello? W-who's there?"

And god, he did not nor looked like a cranky old horse. It looked like..If Discord's powers really could lead the both of you to the right place...that you both ended up in front of the wuss variant of hermit.

"Hello!" Discord says as he props you up. Sounding cheery and sunny. "Are you a wizard?"

"Oh, oh my , well. I would technically be a wizard. I can do magic. But umm, why exactly do you need a wizard? I don't want to sound rude but, I am a little busy." This guy sounded neurotic and nervous. Like, he accepted being called a wizard. But he wasn't actually one? Definitely the pussy type.

"I don't think you understand. We are in desperate need of a wizard who could fix this mess. I'm sure you noticed this increasingly terrible storm." Discord points upwards at the storm.

The pony adjusted his glasses and looked about outside his door. He...seriously didn't notice. "Oh, well, will you look at that." He chuckles nervously. "I'm afraid I didn't notice. B-but this is really more of a job for a pegasus pony. Not a wizard. Perhaps if you had a more practical problem? Or maybe, well, you could go ask somepony else. I-I don't want to sound rude but I am a little busy, as I said."

"Look," You approach him. "This storm was caused because the Crystal Heart was destroyed. Surely you must know a way to fix it. To help us? Right?"

"The Crystal Heart?! O-oh dear. Umm" Now he was getting very frantic "T-that does sound like a job for a wizard, Or...have you tried asking a princess instead? Namely Princess Cadance, she does live up at the-"

Discord changes back to his original form and rips the door off its hinges as he pushes his face against his. Pushing him into his own...rather cluttered home. "You listen here you stinky piece of Cerberus dung! You're going to help us or you can look forward to the rest of your life as a toad!"

The pony grew silent, and shook in fright as he gulped. Welp, the "nice and filling feeling of confidence" option is now out the window.

Discord's raw anger quickly turns to a bored, slitted eye look as he looked down at the frightened wizard. "Well? Are you going to do something or not?"

This pony was still shaking, Looking right at him as Discord stands up right. You then hear a small watery sound from below him.

"I-I think I just did." The pony gulps

"...Ohhhh...come on..." You step back as a yellow liquid spreads from under the wizard. "Discord, let me handle this, ok? Scaring him isn't working. It's just making things gross."

Discord sighs and steps back as he makes a handle appear. He twists it, causing the piss to swirl and vanish into nothingness as a toilet flush noise is heard. "If you think you can do this, Anon, then go ahead. But he must be our pony. He matches most of the profile." Discord eyes the frightened wizard up and down. "Mostly."

You walk up to him, but his eyes were fixated on Discord. You tap at his hind knee and call out to him. "Yo, hey Wizard guy! Over here, I need to talk to you!"

The wizard snaps to attention. "W-what?! Huh?!...Ohhh...this isn't good. This isn't good at all." He then turns towards you, looking down at your small form, then slowly begins to back up. "What's going on?! What do you two want with me? I'm just a simple wizard. A-are you after my books? Because if that's what it is you can have them, I-I've read them all and I'd just rather be able to walk away with most of my body intact, please? It's not the best body I know but it is mine. And umm...uhhh...oh dear. I'm doomed, aren't I?"

Holy crap, what a piece of work this guy was. He even was scared of you. A fucking colt. Was he even a real wizard? You point to his window, where the snowstorm was picking up bit by bit. "We're all doomed due to the Crystal Heart being destroyed. That's why we're here. We need a wizard with some sort of spell that can fix it. You're the wizard who bests fits the description of somepony who'd have that kind of spell. So, y'know, we kinda need you to get what you need and get to the castle so you can fix it."

"Oh...right." The pony adjusts his glasses as he brushes back his cloak. "T-that is an issue isn't it?" He looked so worried. So scared. Fuck, maybe if you try to be more...cute?

"Yeah, look mister" You sit on your butt and give him a big happy smile as you tilt your head. "We'd really appreciate it if you helped us with this. I don't want to turn into a coltcicle...That'd be bad."

"W-well yes, that would be bad." The pony just looked toward Discord, then back to you, he still seemed pretty nervous. "But, like I said. Shouldn't you ask the princess? It sounds like it could be more easily solved that way. You don't really need a wizard" He starts to sweat as he chuckles nervously. "Right?"

Why was he so insistent? Was he that much of a pussy that he wouldn't use his full potential? "No, none of the princesses can fix this. They are trying their best but they keep failing. Come on, what are you afraid of? A wizard is supposed to be top tier in magic. Stop being shy and show us your full potential. You're our only hope!"

You try to sound like you have some adoration again. This would be easier if you were a filly. The cuteness would be undeniable. If not, maybe you could convince him another way? ..Maybe? ..He was...NO, NO YOU DIDN'T SWING THAT WAY DAMMIT!

"....Only hope. What if I refuCROAK" The pony covers his mouth with his hooves as he lets out a few frog croaks. He looks towards Discord, who was slowly spinning his talon in the air as he looked at him with impatient and very dark eyes.

The pony gulps again, and clears his throat. "I-I see. I.......I..." He gets up and looks out the window, taking in the blizzard's power. Was he going to stop it here and now? No, he would fail. He has to fix the damn heart. But he lets out a breath and lowers his head in shame, still looking out his window. "I don't think you'll like what I have to tell you.In fact, I'd like to ask if you'd not hurt me after I tell you what I should tell you. Because again, I'm afraid it might make the both of you angry. Very....Angry..."

...Ok, where was he getting at? Why would you both be angry? Other than the fact he actually had no spell to fix the heart. Fuck, what if that's it? What would you need to do get him to create the spell? "Don't worry, whatever it is. I'm sure it'll be fine."

"It depends for me, I doubt anypony would miss you if they all become permanent icy statues." Discord sits on a floating chair, being patient, while wanting results as soon as possible. He then begins to file his claws on his paws. "I would need a new personal dummy to test my various chaotic spells on."

"I-I see..." The pony jittered so much he had to hold his glasses in place. "W-well, that doesn't make me feel too confident in revealing this information. But uhhh...I guess that would just waste time. And we'd-"

You interrupt him. You were getting more and more annoyed with him and your patience would soon be as thin as Discord's if he didn't fucking do something. "Look, sorry we just burst in here. Ok? It was important. But stop hiding what you're hiding and tell us already so we can figure out what we need to do next! Come on!"

"........." The wizard turned his head and said in a low voice. "...I'm not a wizard."

What did he say? "Mind speaking up there buddy?"

"I'm..." The wizard spoke a little more loudly, while looking at you this time. "...not a wizard...I never was. I'm sorry to disappoint the both of you but I can't actually fix the Crystal Heart. I don't have that kind of power... You're not going to turn me into a frog are you?"

......Oh christ. He wasn't a spineless wizard with potential. He was just a fucking normal unicorn who claimed to be a wizard.

"ARE YOU SERIOUS?! HOW COULD YOU NOT BE A WIZARD?!" Discord raises his talons and pulls a book from the shelf with some kind of telekinetic force into his grasp. The book itself looked damned ancient. Discord waved it in front of him furiously. "You have ancient texts that haven't been seen in centuries! Spell books even Twilight have never seen! How could you not be a wizard?! And why would you lie to me like that?!"

"Ummm..well one," The pony nervously holds his hoof up. "I-I have those books because I found them here. I think this house once belonged to well...an actual wizard. and erm...two," The pony began to tap his hooves together nervously. "I-I'm not a wizard because...." He hesitated.

"Because? Look, just get out with it already! Did you fail magic school or something? Or did you just not earn the title? It's the latter one right? Because it doesn't matter about the title. You don't need to be called a wizard to be a wizard...." But as he sits there silently, you realize...it was the former. "..Oh geez, don't tell me you actually failed magic school, please don't tell me that."

"...That would be mostly correct. I'm just a subpar unicorn who came to the Crystal Empire to just feel like...Well, somepony. I let the pressure of being a prodigy get to me, and everything kinda fell apart when, well, I suppose it sounds silly but. It all fell apart simply because...I wasn't a prodigy at all. Still..." The pony used his magic to slowly pull back the book Discord had, and started to slowly turn the pages as he brought it in front of his face. "I tried, I tried my hardest to be better than anypony at magic. These texts, these books, they hold magic and information that were very long forgotten. They even contain information about the Empire itself and how certain things work within it." He turns another page as his failures start to build up in his mind. "But no matter how many times I've read through these books. No matter how much I practiced. I just couldn't rise above the rest. But, I still wanted to believe I could. I thought if I called myself a wizard, that maybe one day, I'd actually be one. I suppose that was stupid to think of, huh?"

"Yes! I don't even know how that works! My magic should have taken us to a wizard! an actual wizard! I expected a solution! Grrrr." Discord held his head as thoughts of a frozen Fluttershy began to fill his thoughts, terrifying him. He then looked at you angrily as he pointed. "THIS IS YOUR FAULT, ANON! ALL THAT TIME WASTING YOUR LIFE ON TELEVISION, AND SOMEHOW YOU STILL BLEW IT! YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO WRITE THIS AS A WHOLE TWO PART EPISODE IN YOUR HEAD AND LEAD US TO VICTORY! BUT INSTEAD YOU CAME UP WITH THE LOWEST FORM OF FAN FICTION AND RUINED AN ENTIRE WORLD! YOU HEAR ME ANON!? THIS IS EQUIVALENT TO A FAN FICTION! OR EVEN WORSE!....Erotic fanfiction."

...WHAT?! HE WAS BLAMING YOU?! NO, FUCK THAT! "Don't you dare! You're the one who decided to come here in the first place! It's obvious that the Princesses all were too worried about us that they didn't pay attention to the baby! And now look, the Crystal Heart is destroyed and we're doomed! Don't put this on me! I tried fixing it! You caused the destruction!"

Discord gripped his paw and talons in anger as he retorted. "Me?! ME?! You listen here 'Buddy'. You agreed to do this with me! If you said no, I would have either done something else or bother you until you agreed to do it, in which we would have been late, and things may have changed, one of those things being THE FACT THAT THE CRYSTAL HEART BLEW UP!"

You point at Discord, barking at him. "That's ridiculous! THATS SUPER RETARDED! YOU'RE SUPER RETARDED! ALL WE NEEDED TO EVEN FIX THIS PROBLEM WAS A EITHER A WIZARD OR, YA KNOW WHAT?! EVEN A FLIPPIN SPELL THAT COULD FIX THIS. YOU KNOW, A SPELL WE COULD GIVE TO TWILIGHT SO SHE COULD ACTUALLY FIX IT? AND WE DON'T HAVE ANY OF THAT! WE JUST HAVE A PATHETIC UNICORN AND HIS OLD BOOK! SO HOW IS IT AT ALL MY FAULT?! I THOUGHT WE WERE BROS!"

"DON'T PULL THAT ON ME! HOW CAN WE BE BROS IF EVERYTHING...well, actually mostly one thing...BUT THAT ONE THING IS GOING TO FREEZE BECAUSE SHE'S BEING STUBBORN?! AND WHAT ABOUT YOU, HMM? DON'T YOU CARE AT ALL ABOUT HER?...Don't you?...I know you do..." Discord started to tear up, and he grabbed you and hugged you close. "I don't want to lose her, Anon. I don't want to end up losing her. Or you. Or anything! Why won't she just let me take her?"

O-oh shit… The very thought, it starts to make you cry as well. Fluttershy suffering in the cold before either you or Discord could save her. It was... soul crushing. "I-I dunno! She's b-being s-s-s-o dumb!"

You both start to cry. Hugging onto each other as doom looms over everything and all.

"Actually, erm..I know I'm not exactly qualified to say this. But I think I've actually read enough to give my opinion on it. But thinking about the whole spell thing. I may actually have a way to fix the heart. Ummm...." The pony was sliding his hoof down a page on a book. "What spell did you say the princesses were trying to cast on the heart again?" But you both didn't hear him. Instead, you were hugging and crying like a shattered gay couple.

"....Oh, well." The pony gulped. "I'm just going to assume it's the 'Artifact Reconstruction' spell. Well, in that case, that spell would work....but we'll need to combine it with something else. If I'm reading this correct, then...Well, we'd need to obtain a large amount of love and care to revitalize the heart. That's difficult to do but..oh..ohhh..." The pony has a realization hit his mind. "The Crystalling! Of course! it would create a large source of love to repower the heart without any chance of failure. All we'd need then is a few powerful unicorns to cast the 'Artifact Reconstruction' spell on the heart while the source of love is added and it should repair it like new!"

The pony then seemed proud, and impressed with himself. "M-maybe I can do this. Not myself, but if I could get this to the princesses. I can make a difference! I can make sure nopony gets hurt. I need to get to them with this information. Erm.." The pony then looks back at you two. "Would uh, one of you be willing to help with the travel to the castle? The quicker the better."

But you both just couldn't stop. It just seemed so hopeless. You couldn't come up with any other solution. And Discord really had been counting on you to have the answer.

"R-right. I...think I can still make it on my own hooves. There's still some time left. If you'd like some tea, I have some in the kitchen. Biscuits too. Erm..hmmm...alright then. If you're still here when I get back. Uhhhhh....uhhmm...never mind. I think I should be going." And with that, the pony went off. Leaving the both of you alone.

This hugfest went on for quite awhile. Both of you lamenting that you both couldn't do anything to even fix the problem. You yourself thought of others as well. You thought of Diamond Tiara, whose life would shatter in the ice. Lyra and Bonbon...dammit, you wished you hung out with them more often.

Discord thought of Fluttershy mostly, and didn't want to lose her. The usual spiel. You both broke the hug as you both agreed to try to think of something else. "There's gotta be another way to fix this. Can't we just keep the storm contained?"

Discord shook his head. "I'm afraid not, it's manifesting at a rapid rate from any location it pleases from within the northern lands. Like I said, keeping it contained with chaos magic would eventually make things worse."

"Dammit..DAMMIT! There's gotta be a way. Hold on, let me see how bad it is right now. I have one last idea, but it's a longshot."

You rush over to one of the windows and move the shades, only to see some nuke like explosive ring head right towards you, circling all of the city. "OH SHIT! THE STORM WENT NUCLEAR!" You cover yourself, unable to react in time as the ring quickly smashes through you and Discord. Discord himself not even having a chance to even react.

You fall to the ground, groaning from the trip. As you slowly raise yourself, you see nothing but bright lights. It looked like you survived, but everything was shiny and bright. Hell, you look at Discord and even he was looking like someone shined him up and put some weird diamond filter on him. Oh god... "...D-discord. Y-you're dead...and somehow an angel."

Discord raises his arms and looks at them, shocked at what happened to him. "What even is this?! I look clean and shiny!" Discord then growls angrily. "Somepony is going to pay for this....hrn?" Discord then looks at you, putting on sunglasses to lessen the shine in his eyes. "Anon, I think you've also become...wait" Dead? "We're gone?! How can we be gone?...How can I be gone? I'M ALREADY A SPIRIT! THAT'S NONSENSE. AND I WOULD KNOW, I'M A MASTER OF IT!"

As Discord began to spaz, you looked at your own hooves. It had the same glowy shine. “HOLY FUCK! I'M DEAD TOO! WE DIED TO SOME WINTERY NUKE! NOBODY SAID IT WAS A GODDAMN NUKE!" Tears start to flow from your eyes as you begin to shake, you couldn't hold still. "D-does that mean? E-everybody's...g-gone?"

"I..I don't know" Discord starts tapping and touching at his own body. "You'd think for being dead that it'd be a little more noticeable. And then there's the fact we're still in this house....hrn. If this is what death is like then it's very peculiar."

You look around after Discord mentioned you were still in the house. You couldn't still be in it. Houses don't have souls. "...That doesn't make any sense...unless...we became ghosts. But" You look around. "I don't see our corpses and...wait.." You look back at the window as it seemed to be letting in sunshine. Actual...sunshine. "What the..."

You go closer to the window so you can take a look at the sky. The sky....was clear and blue. Like nothing happened. "...The storm is gone. And the sky is sunny. D-does that mean?"

Discord starts to chuckle, then laugh in relief as he realizes what happened "Ohhhhhhahaha! We're not dead! Somepony must have repaired the Crystal Heart, causing it to burst out with its unique crystallization magic. My my, how silly of me to think we we're actually destroyed. Anon, you really must think harder before coming to such a conclusion. Speaking of which, If I were to guess, given that faux wizard is gone, he may have...." Discord's pupil shrinks before bursting into a fiery inferno of rage and hate. "THAT SNEAKY SNAKE WENT AND SAVED EQUESTRIA WITHOUT US! HE ACTUALLY LEFT US HERE AND SNUCK OFF TO TAKE OUR GLORY! OUR VICTORY! SOMETHING THAT WOULD HAVE HAD THEM OWE US A FAVOR! THIS IS THE WORST THING EVER! I THINK I'D RATHER BE DEAD!"

Woah, you thought he'd be happy that everything was ok. Hell, how could you forget the crystalize thingy the heart causes? Eh, considering you never personally experienced i then it kinda makes sense you'd not realize it. But then.... "What about Fluttershy? Aren't you glad she's ok?"

Discord let's smoke out of his nostrils as he peers out the window "Of course I'm glad she's ok. But now that I know she's ok there's more pressing matters at hoof here. Our plans are ruined and I bet you a million bits that our wimpy little friend didn't say a word about us. He's probably hogging that glory all to himself. I bet all the mares are just fawni-" Discord's eyes get wide. "HOLY ANCHOVIES! WHAT IF FLUTTERSHY HAS FALLEN IN LOVE WITH HIM?! THAT FRAUD! THAT CHARLATAN! THIS WILL NOT STAND!"

W-wut?! Well, yeah that was bad. The guy was a fucking pussy that for some reason...thinking about it now, rubbed you the wrong way. But also, why does Discord care about that? "I thought you didn't love Fluttershy that way. Why do you care who she falls for?"

"Really Anon? How would you feel if Fluttershy couldn't give you all those cuddles because she's catering to some wimp who probably is so frail that he has to watch out for a row of ants in fear they'll take him into their hill as food.. It's not about love, it's about protecting a friend from the worst mistake of her life."

.....And just wanting to make sure her attention doesn't spread too thin. But fuck it, you agreed with him....wait...would she even fall in love with some random schmuck?...Again, that sock look of his was kinda cute. "No, fuck it. I agree, We need to run some counter tactics and quick. I ain't losing out on cuddle hugs!"

"Then we're in agreeance" Discord raises his talons to prepare for a snap. "We'll rush over to the castle and make sure we expose that monster for what he really is!"

As ready as you were for something so low chance but still possible, given husbandos for the mane six have been slowly showing up, even if there was no feelings there, there was a chance that eventually one might actually fall for another. Especially now that events were on a split from the original timeline. "Alright, but let's not overdo it, ok? I'm all for this if we run in on her being all googly eyed. But if that's not the case. Let's not do anything stupid. Remember, the princesses are still there and it would look bad on the both of us if we acted out without a reason. And even then, we just need to express our feelings. I'll even pull the 'But ah don't want a uncle' thing. I mean....ahh come on Discord, don't get too pumped for this is all I'm saying. It's a really really low chance that this is actually happening."

"But it's still a chance" Discord seemed sure of it being more than that however.

"...Just stay relaxed, ok? If anything, we should just respect what's going on and run with the original plan. Even if Twilight never sperged, Fluttershy will be happy to know that we never caused any trouble. And that's good, right?"

".....I suppose. Not the results I wanted...but I guess.....It'll have to do. But only because her opinion is actually valid." Discord accepted that much at least. He really did care about her. And hell, you were glad he was listening to you. It meant that he cared about you too.

Discord then snapped his talons. You wondered how this was going to go, what the princesses would think? And you also hoped that everyone was ok. You really did.

Comments

[Sidetrack]

Neet

[Kichi]

And then, Anon discover that it was him who de-railed the season opening with Starlight...

Also, I don't think Discord could just go to the human world, watch the season and return in 1 minute?

[AnormalUnicornPony]

Lol. Fixing things while still missing out and not realizing they made it go by slightly faster.

[RemareShadows]

Cartoon logic is Elementary my dear Watson.

[Luckyfanisaac]

Discord looks down at your shivering form. "What happened to you?"

HE DIDN'T SEE IT!!!

[PinkOne]

Always funny so see Discord and Anon being tards together.