• Published 21st Oct 2017
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Dadonequus Discord (Book 1) - CrazedLaughter

Discord makes a deal with an anonymous human. The human gets to live a good life in Equestria. And Discord? he gets to have a son of his own. Of course, his only reason is to impress Fluttershy and annoy Twilight.

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Chapter 43

Ok, now you could relax a little. you had a new plan of action, and had even managed to make new friends along the way. Even if your mind was filled with a few dirty thoughts about them.

You look up at the sky, the sun hadn't quite reached the point of sunset yet. And you still had bits to spend. Hmmm… You pull out your map and take a closer examination.
It seems it marks down businesses and important locations on it. But not individual homes… Except for Fluttershy's cottage being marked as "Fluttershy's Cottage". Rainbow Dash's house however wasn't marked by name, only by a picture. Poor Rainbow. Not notable enough for a map like this.

As you walk along a stretch of road, examining your map. You trip over something… or perhaps… someone.

"Hey! Watch where you’re going!" You hear in a quick scratchy tone.

You fall face first into the ground, the map flying upwards and landing on top of your head… This will never stop being a thing. Will it?

You then hear a slower voice beside you "Snips, are you ok?"

"Yeah I'm fine, but this guy just ran into me like it's no big deal! You should watch where you're going when heroes are walking the streets!"

You lift your head and shake the dirt off as you stand up. You didn't even need to guess who you ran into. Or who the other voice was.

You turn, and standing in front of you. Was the dubious pair of Snips and Snails.......wearing pots on their heads… Heroes? Since when? Half of you wanted to inquire about this. The other wanted to just walk away.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to walk over you like that." You say as you rub off the remaining dirt patches from your chest fluff

Snips takes a moment, then nods "I guess I can forgive you, since that's one of the many things heroes do. Is forgive the commoner ponies when they mess up like that."

Snails nods "Mhmm! But Snips, when are we gonna save somepony? We've been walking around all day and not one pony has been in trouble. I'm getting tired… and it's hot… I feel like my head is roasting in a pot."

Maybe because it was...

"Relax Snails, if that colt that beat up those two stallions can be a hero, then us, with our superior skills and reading all the magazines about heroes in Equestria, should be able to beat double the amount of bad guys!"

It seems these two jumped out of hero worship and just decided to be heroes themselves. It seems they didn't realize who you were.

"Are there any bad guys though? I thought it was just those two guys… or was it three?" Snails asked.

Snips gave a sly look of reassurance to his more dull witted friend. "Snails, Snails. Think about it. If there were two really nasty bad guys here in Ponyville that ARE known, then that means there’s gotta be like ten guys that we don't know about. All we gotta do is find em and beat em and we'll be considered heroes! We might even get knighted by one of the Princesses! Isn't that awesome?!"

Snails was astounded by his friend's words "We'd really get to meet a princess?" He smiled, looking up in the air longingly "That sounds swell"

Snips nods "Yup, we just gotta find some bad guys first… hey, wait… You!" Snips points to you "Guy who ran into me, have you seen any bad guys around?"

Seems he was talking to you "Uhhh… no… but uh… Don't you guys think it's kind of silly and dangerous to go looking for trouble?"

Moralfag powers...activate. Snips and Snails weren't bad guys. But fuck would shit go down if they actually found trouble.

Snails shook his head "uhhh, we're not looking for trouble, we're looking for bad guys"


"Look, if you haven't seen any bad guys, then don't bother us. We have very important work to do!" Snips said in a dismissing manner.

"Ummm, Snips… Don't we also have homework to do?"

"Forget homework, if we manage to do this, we'll never have to worry about homework again either!" Snips was sure of this, he seemed quite deluded.

"No homework ever again?! This sounds better and better..." Snails didn't seem to realize at all what a fool's errand this was.

Screw it… you didn't want to beat around the bush with this.
"There's no way you guys could beat even a single bad guy. I'd suggest you just go home and do homework." Blunt, but that should work.

Snails looks depressingly looks down "But I don't wanna do homework"

Snips jumped to his friend with a smile "And we aren't gonna!" He then looked at you with fierce challenging eyes "You got a lot of nerve telling us to do homework and stuff! Wait..."

Snips takes a closer look at you "I've never seen you around here before. Have you seen this guy before Snails?"

Snails shakes his head "Nope… you think he might be a bad guy?"

Snips rubbed under his muzzle "Could be… he did tell us to give up and do our homework… and homework is pretty bad."

You raise an eyebrow at them as you narrow your right eye inquisitively "...Are you guys serious?"

They both nod

. "He's gotta be a bad guy! He's trying to stop us. And bad guys always try to stop heroes!" Snips cried out.


"You do realize I'm about the same age as you guys… right?"

Snails stood mightily, pumping his chest forward "You can't fool us! I read in the heroes digest that "bad guys can take on many forms! As a hero you should always be wary, read page 45 for more information" And then I did read page 45 and then I forgot what it said...but I remember the many forms part!"

"Prepare for battle Canave!" Snips said as he revved up his rear end.

"...It's pronounced knave… Are you seriously goi… you know what, that's fine." It was, just slap them out of their silly dream. It's a good thing you ran into them before they did something stupid. "I'll take you both on, but if I win, you gotta stop this hero nonsense, because all it's gonna get you is hurt if you run into real trouble."

Was this you being a responsible "Adult"? Maybe, or maybe it was the guilt you'd feel from them getting hurt due to the destruction of the status quot

Snails seemed really confused "Say Snips… this guy sounds more like an adult than a kid..."

"Then you were right Snails… this guy probably took on the form of a colt to fool… WOAH THIS MIGHT BE A CHANGELING!"

Snails shivered in fear at the thought "A changeling? I dunno Snips....maybe we should go tell somepony?"

"Come on Snails! It's just one! All we gotta do is beat him and interrogate him to find out what he's up to and then go tell princess Twilight. We might even become her first royal guards!"

".....ohhh......ok.." Snails nodded

What dopes… You were thinking that you probably should have left it alone. But these are the same stooges that caused an Ursa Minor to show up in Ponyville. Letting them go do something stupid would definitely weigh in on your guilt if you just let them go on with their stupidity.

"Changeling… right… whatever… let's just do this already."

Snips didn't even hesitate to yell "FOR EQUSTRIA!" when he rushed at you, headfirst. You just roll your eyes and quickly calculated every cartoon tactic used by bullies to stop nerds. Tactic to use?.....hand...or hoof...on head.

You simply raise your front right hoof forward onto the charging pudge unicorn's "helmet" and stop him in his tracks. His force was actually considerable as it almost made you trip backwards. But you kept your balance, and without his momentum, he was now just trying to push you back while giving an occasional swing of his hoof

"Quick, Snails! I need backup, artillery fire, hurry!"

"No problem Snips, I got this!" Snails said as he started charging up his horn.

You had no fear of this, so you just focused on holding Snips in place. You could just simply flick him to the side. You didn't want to hurt these two. Hmmm… You could just step to the side and let him go straight into a wall...that might be better.

As you decide on your merciful finisher, you start to notice the area around you get a little brighter. "...what?"

You look forward, Snails' horn was glowing big and bright. The hell?! THE HELL?!

"I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna hit you with my best shot you big dumb changeling!" Snails threatened as he aimed his horn at you.


Snails shoots a humongous ball of magical energy at you. You flick your hoof to the right to throw Snips to the side then cover yourself up as with your hooves.

You could feel a warm light envelope you. You must have disintegrated right then and there. You were probably dead. You open your eyes, in front of you was the magic ball of energy spinning right into your blocking hooves without making any kind of progress further.
It was just a big ball of nothing . You take a breath, thanking whatever deity there was that you didn't die and try flicking the ball away.

Success, it just goes flying into the air and sputters into non-existence.

"uwaahh? B-but......." Snails seemed pretty surprised that it failed. At first you were too. But then you came to the conclusion that just because it was big didn't mean it was powerful. It was like a big luminous cotton ball.

Snips got up and lifted his pot helmet from his face "Did ya get him?"

"N-nope, he's still s-standing!" Snails started to wobble

"Quick, Hero attack formation Alpha!" Snips cried out as he straightened his helmet.

Snails started to wobble more and more "No can do, Kind of put everything I had into my superhero surprise magic ball attack… night night… wake me when we're royal guards.." Snails falls over, unconscious.

Ha! One down, one to go.

"Snails?! Snails!" Snips ran up to his friend and jumped in between him and you "I won't let you hurt him! He's my best buddy!"

...You put your hoof to your face in annoyance. "I was never gonna hurt him, or you. You were the ones who started this fight remember?"

"Nu uh! You were the one who started it by being a changeling bad guy! Why don't you fess up now and tell me what your queen is up to and I don't have to lay down my own super magic on ya!"

Super magic..right. "I'm not even a changeling… you know that right? You were the ones who called me one. Look, I don't want to humiliate you too badly. Why don't you stop this now, pick up your friend, and go do that homework? Huh?"

Snips shook his head "Never foul beast! Beating you will be so much sweeter than doing some stupid homework, Prepare yourself!"

Snips lifted his helmet to start doing some magic of his own. Time for tactics B… "You really think your magic c....HOLY MOLY! IS THAT PRINCESS CELESTIA ON FIRE WHILE PRINCESS TWILIGHT AND TIREK DO THE MAMBO?!" You point forward, behind Snips.

He looks back in amazement,surprise, and fright "Wha?! Where?!"

You snicker as you rush up to him and slam your hoof against the side of his helmet so hard that it vibrates and rings over his head, sending him to his backside.

"Gyaaaaaah! My head!" Snips own head vibrates as he throws of his pot helmet and tries to steady himself "That was a cheap shot!"

Heh, it was. you felt pretty good about it though. Shut him the hell up. "I'm a bad guy remember? So....you done yet?"

Snips slowly stands, determined to beat you. "Never! As long as I stand… I'll… uhhh… ohh..." Suddenly Snips started to sweat and shiver.

You look at him funny, you hope you didn't bang his head too hard. What was up with him?

"H-hello..M-miss Cheerilee...u-ummm..."

Ohh yeah fucking right... "Don't even bother, if you think I'm gonna-" Suddenly you feel a tapping behind you.

Now you begin to sweat… that was an awfully firm feeling hoof behind you. You look behind yourself. Oh god… IT WAS HER… She didn't look to pleased. She had two grocery bags hanging off both sides of her. "What's going on here, gentlecolts? Anything you'd like to sha-SNAILS?!"

She notices Snails down on the ground and dashes towards him. "Snails!?" She then looked angrily at the both of you "What happened to Snails?!"

Snails peeped one eye open and just smiled goofily at her. "Oh I'm ok Miss Cheerilee, I thought I had to go night night because I used a lot of magic but then when I hit the ground it kind of hurt so I didn't actually fall asleep but I thought I'd just lay here anyway for dramatic effect since the magazine says heroes do everything dramatically"

...If this was an anime, this would be the only appropriate time for you to actually fall on your fucking face.

Cheerilee sighed, she almost got riled up for nothing. "Alright, what's going on here?"

Snips ran up in front of her, guarding her from you "Be careful Miss Cheerilee, that guy is a changeling, a really cheap one!"

Miss Cheerilee was not amused. She had already seen you before. And now she had caught you in a fight. Crap… crap. You had just had a talk about this...

"Uh huh… Snips… that's not a changeling." Cheerilee said, unamused by all this

Snips wouldn't let his guard down "Don't let him fool you Miss Cheerilee, he's a crafty one!"

Cheerilee sighed. She was starting to see how this happened..almost. "Snips, that's your future classmate, Anon... Please tell me what's going on before I round up the whole three of you and have your parents pick you up… yes… even you Anon, I won't make an exception just because of who your father is."

G-guh… come on..you didn't do shit.

"Anon?" Snips was confused, he had heard that name

Snails looked up from his position in surprise "Wait… uhhh… you mean the guy who beat up those two other guys? Uhhh… that's him?"

"That's right. Now will somepony please explain what's going on? pleas-" Before Cheerilee could finish, Snips started to panic.


Snails put his pot helmet over his face shaking "awwww geez, now we're doomed and we still have homework to do."

Snips dives at your hooves, and bows down to you "Please forgive us Anon, we didn't mean to attack you or nothin’, we thought you were a bad guy changeling! We just wanted to be hero colts too!"

"Attacked? You boys attacked him because… you thought he was a changeling?!" Cheerilee couldn't believe it.

...Oh this was good though… You couldn't be roped into blame if you were just defending yourself. You already had enough on your goddamn plate.

"W-we never saw him before… w-we thought he was a changeling spy" Snails shivering became more intense.

Cheerilee looked at you, she just wanted to be sure. "Anon, is this true?"

You nod. "Yeah. They wouldn't listen to me when I said I wasn't a bad guy"

You weren't lying either . But you weren't going to defend them for their actions. Both for the fact that you weren't gonna deal with this bullshit and the fact that this should get them off their little crusade.

"...I see..." Cheerilee surmised it wasn't your fault and that both Snips and Snails were being overzealous "So he said he wasn't a bad guy and you both ganged up on him anyway?"

Snips gulped "Sorta… but he also said he'd take us on."

Cheerilee looked back at you "Is that true Anon?"

GODDAMN IT! "U-uh… ummm… sorta, I mean… they wouldn't listen when I told them they shouldn't go out looking for bad guys to fight. They just kinda went on and on. And I uhhh, I thought maybe if I just kind of, you know. deterred them without actually hurting them they would stop trying to find actual real trouble"

Cheerilee pondered on that. Then she looked at Snips and Snails one more time. "Did he hurt you boys at all?"

Snails shook his head "Nope, he didn't even touch me"

Snips just rubbed his head "Well uh, he banged my hero helmet… but uhhh… that's it."

"I see....I want both of you boys to go home right now. I'll have a chat with your parents tomorrow."

Snips and Snails looked down in shame, and together they just agreed with her and went on their way.Snips stopped to look at you one last time. He looked so disappointed with himself.

Well...you were sure this wouldn't be the last time you see them. "Well uhm...thanks Miss Cheerilee...uhh..nice to meet you again, I'm just gonna..."

Before you can do anything, Cheerilee interrupts you. "Oh I'm not done with you either young colt. If you don't have to go home right now. I'd like it if you would follow me so we can have a little chat."

That...could be taken in so many ways. You could lie to her. She'd never know. But, you're afraid of what she might do if you just ditch her. Your more adult sensibilities tell you you aren't actually in trouble. Hopefully anyway. You reluctantly shake your head. "No, I don't have to go home yet. A-am I in trouble?"

Miss Cheerilee's face slowly changed to a gentle smile "Oh no no no… but this whole thing has worried me. I just want to have a little talk with you is all. I think it's better if I learn a little about my newest student. A teacher has to always be prepared."


You decide to go along with her. Wondering what she wanted to talk about.

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