• Published 21st Oct 2017
  • 10,516 Views, 2,803 Comments

Dadonequus Discord (Book 1) - CrazedLaughter



Discord makes a deal with an anonymous human. The human gets to live a good life in Equestria. And Discord? he gets to have a son of his own. Of course, his only reason is to impress Fluttershy and annoy Twilight.

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Chapter 245 - Flim Flam Future Arc

Author's Note:

Tonight!
Flim asks a question.
Flam is confused.
And Chrysalis destroys some trash.

The morning comes.

You felt...oddly refreshed. As if you slept comfortably throughout the whole night. And not only that, as you leaned up and rubbed your eyes, you could smell the aroma of eggs on toast. "W-what the?"

You look around, and you notice Chrysalis was already up, carefully setting up a plate of eggs on toast and juice on the table...Wait.....She doesn't eat that stuff.... "C-chrysalis?...D-did you make me breakfast?"

Chrysalis sighs, rolling her eyes at you. "Not even a good morning...." She turns and finishes up by putting a coaster under the cup of juice.

Ahh shit, where were your manners?....Shit..where did she get hers? "G-good morning..sorry, ..It's just..did you make breakfast for me?"

"I did, I had to go down and steal the bread and eggs since Twilight is absolutely useless in this world and has apparently never heard of room service. And then there's you being an idiot since you haven't eaten since you got here..."

You hear your stomach growl as she says that....she was right. "O-oh...r-right"

"Yes...you need to eat to survive,remember? Now come and eat. It's not much since the concept of food here is small portions. But I made extra of everything to make sure you have the strength for what we are going to do today. I swear..." She shakes her head in disbelief "Sometimes I wonder if there's an end to your stupidity or if it's just an endless abyss of absurdity"

Wow, even when she's being nice, she's mean. Even Discord doesn't do that. He just tiptoes around it. You get off the bed and go to sit as you dig into the toast. It was actually weird not needing spoons, forks, and such. but egg on toast didn't need those anyway. Eh..the bread could be better though. "Thank you, Chrysalis..."

"You're welcome, Anon, never ever bring it up or I'll kill you...anyway" Chrysalis changes, not in form, but her clothes. She wears a suit like a secretary, her hair in a ponytail, and little cotton cuffs on her hooves.....Oh shit...She looked hot.

You tried to focus on eating, taking quick glances at her while she looks at herself in the mirror.

She doesn't even gaze at you as she looks upon the mirror. "I was hoping for that reaction. The easier on the eyes I am, The easier it will be to speak to them. Stallions are more talkative when looking at a pretty face. And I assume it's no different with those two."

D-dammit..she could still feel your senses. "I-I guess...But what exactly are we going to do after? You want them to suffer right? Beating them up won't work because we'll just get thrown in prison. And then there's the problem with the world. We have to find some way to fix it."

"Infiltration and conquering takes time Anon, time I don't even think we have. So we'll need a shortcut. Our first order of business is to locate Celestia. As much as I hate to say it, if we ARE going to fix this world and beat those two con artists. Then we're going to need somepony to take their place. I'd do it, but not without my children. So Celestia will have to do."

"But what do we do when we find her? That doesn't automatically mean we can retake Equestria." You needed something more.

"It doesn't. That will take more planning and time. But Celestia might hold the last key pieces we need to formulate a plan. So, we need to find out where she is first. And since we are going to meet these "Kings", you are going to have to do your best at acting like a prince..." She turns her head towards you with dead seriousness in her eyes. "And by doing your best, I mean perfect."

You gulp down your juice, and wonder exactly what she meant. Because you had no idea what kind of prince you should be. "And how exactly do I act "Perfect"?"

"Easy, you act just as pompous, rude, and utterly soulless as any spoiled low class wretch of this world. You'll fit right in. You don't even have to hold back on me, I've since regathered my senses and can handle a few insults. Just keep in mind we're only there to get Celestia's location. And then we'll move on to the next step."

You nod, filling yourself with determination, her words was that of a true leader. She probably didn't even spend a second thinking of that plan. She's done this before, it would only be natural. "Got it"

"Good, I've also got us a ride through a cab service to drop us off at the castle so we don't need to walk. It's low class, but that can be explained away as not understanding how Canterlot works. Just act insulted by it and you'll do fine."

"Wow Chrysalis, you really got a handle on all this, huh? I didn't think you'd want to go as far as saving this Equestria though"

"It's the only way to return home isn't it? It's a necessary evil. Don't look into it." Chrysalis makes a few final adjustments, making her coat look shinier and cleaner than ever before. "There...are you ready Anon?"

You munch down on the last of the toast and step down, grabbing your saddle bag from the side of the bed. "Yeah...let's do it"

You and Chrysalis leave the hotel and enter the cab. You were actually glad that it was some random rude pony and not another pony you knew who had suffered under this world. You didn't know if your heart could take it. You had to mentally prepare for this. You had to be a clearcut..royal..douchebag. You could do that. You've seen enough media to know how.

The morning sun was dreary as you approached the castle...the castle itself...was different. Some of it looked the same, though rustic at this point. As the rest was converted into a massive factory. Holy shit...these fucking guys. "...God, what have they done?"

"Focus Anon, everything that's happened here is to be expected. This is no time for games. Think like a changeling...and you'll do fine."

...Mnnnn...you could only imagine how this was going to go. no doubt those two assholes were going to be smug as fuck.


You both are let out at the front of the castle. Chrysalis takes a moment to fix her mane before you both walk towards the front door. There were a couple of guards, equipped with odd bronze armor, it looked like it had hidden compartments for weaponery. Every tower of the castle also had a guard stationed...including in the far distance.....oh god...it's Applejack. Far in the back was the applehorse. Oh christ...she was reduced to this? Knowing her, she probably only puts up with being a guard because it's a way to feed her family. You'd hope anyway. You couldn't see Applejack becoming a dick.

"When you show those door guards the card , remember to not make eye contact and look snooty. We need to create an illusion of pretentiousness that none of the ponies here would find a contradiction with if they ever spoke to each other about us" Chrysalis whispers to you

"Got it.." When you both approach, you hold your head up high and make a "Hmph" as you flash your card. They take a glance, and nothing more as they open the doors and step aside.....that was easy. You look upon the entrance hall, now a testament to Flim and Flam as many statues and paintings with their visage littered the room. "....That was easy, they didn't even say anything"

"Probably to create the illusion that we're welcome, don't drop your guard. If there’s one thing I doubt, it’s that these two are defenseless. I can guarantee that we are either being watched. Or, If what we've learned so far is true, that they have some sort of device made specifically to protect them"

"Probably, I never took them much for inventors. But that cider machine they made was fantastically ridiculous. No ordinary pony could have built that...but then again I say this in a world that has rainbow factories. And what's with this place? I mean, holy fuck, I don't even think Discord is this into himself" There were statues and pictures of the brothers everywhere, just, everywhere. In many heroic and even sensual poses. It was disgusting.

"I don't know about that. I'd still say Discord is the most narcissistic being I've ever seen. Just keep going, we don't want to linger here for too long." Chrysalis says as she carefully looks about

You both venture towards the door to the throne room. Not a single guard in sight. Were they all outside? Something just didn't seem right. "...Yeah...I think you're right. I think they have this place rigged in some way."

"If I had to take a guess, their defenses would be for themselves and any important area in the castle. Probably set for spies and infiltrators" Chrysalis says as she tries to spot at least a single trap.

"It's just crazy though. But, it fits. We were told that ponies became materialistic. They probably don't trust the guards being inside. And their inventions aren't going to say no, try to steal from them, or care who you are when they go off...."

"Just stay focused Anon...we're almost there" Chrysalis opens the door. And holy shit.

The throne room was striped blue and white, with a red carpet leading from the door to the double golden thrones. Mechanical gears were behind the thrones, ever turning and shifting. The stairs that go up to the thrones were colored and shaped like their hats. And the stained glass windows? Replaced with what was no doubt their tale.

You both stay silent as you take another step to approach. But notice the two brothers themselves, adorned with giant crowns, were talking to...oh no way...

"And since the representative for Polomare Incorporated failed to even show, that would leave you, Rarity, to handle the catering and fashion of the Flim Flamtacular." Flim says as he rests on his throne, sitting sideways on the armrests, smirking his smug smirk.

"Indeed, what a pity. She may have been the better choice, but we'll never know. This is an honor for you Miss Rarity." Flam says, sitting proper on his throne.

"A very big honor" Flim adds. "And we expect the results of our choice to be just as big, you can guarantee that, can't you?"

Rarity, donned in a traditional business suit of her own, and her mane tied back, bowed to the two kings. "Of course your highnesses, I can promise you that the Canterlot Boutique will be more than ready for the festival. And of course, I will be sure to add my own personal touches that nopony from Polomare inc. could DREAM of matching."

"Good to hear" Flim says as he pulls his scepter from the side of the throne and just looked at it longingly. It had his face at the top of it.

"Very good. That concludes our business, Miss Rarity, you may go now. We must attend to our factory. We've gotten word some of our workers have been slacking" Flam says as he dismisses her.

"Lazy ponies no doubt, thank you for this honor your highnesses, you won't regret it" Rarity bows.

"I'm sure we won't, you are dismissed" Flim says, waving his hoof at her.

Rarity bows again, and makes her exit. As she passes the both of you, she gives you both a quick glance before turning her head way as if you were common riff raff. You both notice it.

You let out a quick sigh. "...They way she looked at us. The Rarity I know wouldn't have looked down at us like that"

It was depressing to be sure, But Chrysalis just looked on ahead and whispered. "Focus Anon, now's not the time to let your feelings control you. You said you could do this.."

You quickly raise your head up and make yourself snooty as possible. Chrysalis was right..you had to get it out of your head...you had to do this.

Flim and Flam were preparing to get up. You look to Chrysalis and whisper. "Quick...announce me"

Chrysalis doesn't even acknowledge you. Instead she just follows your command. "Your lordships, Flim and Flam, I announce to you that the prince of Buenos Aires, Anon, has come to meet with the two of you"

They both stopped, and looked at each other in confusion. "Brother, we're we supposed to meet with a prince?" Flim asks Flam

"Actually we were, but he never arrived at the hotel so I had assumed that it was actually nothing... We can't waste our time with no shows" Flam says

That was your cue. "No shows?! You dare refer to me as a no show?" You take out your card and throw it onto Flam's lap. "We were given this card as guarantee that we could discuss with the both of you matters of grave importance, but if this is how Kings in Equestria act then I have clearly wasted my time. Come Nymous, we shall return to Buenos Aeries"

Flam quickly looks at the card. It was real. "A-ahrm, w-wait. Do not be so hasty my fellow highness. What I meant was we hadn't known of your arrival. If we had, we would have properly prepared. I'm afraid we don't have anything prepared yet."

God, that card must have been super valid then. You wonder how hard it was to actually get. That ploy with the bits worked out better than you thought.

"Not even prepared? Do you both realize how much trouble it is for OUR prince to travel overseas just to meet with two unprepared Kings? How insulting. This could be seen as an act of malice towards the kingdom of Buenos Aeries. I hope you both realize that." Chrysalis told them, raising her head at them as if they were beneath her.

Flam didn't like Chrysalis's tone. "Excuse me Miss, given your announcement, you must be the Prince's attendant." And now he was being shifty, he wanted to try to keep her out of negotiations he was now going to pull from his ass. He felt he could take advantage of you. "No insult to you, but royal duties must be carried out by members of royalty. If we could privately speak with him and get something worked out early. We can send you both on your way."

"She shall not leave my side, Nymous is my most trusted adviser and caretaker. She is NOT to leave my side." You tell them, with as much pretentiousness as possible

"Yes, but. This is an important meeting among two kingdoms my young prince, you must understand." Flam tried to explain.

"Hold on brother..." Flim took notice of Chrysalis...in quite another way. "Let us not be so hasty. If she is that important then she must be of proper age, and yet her look is of a teenaged nature. Truly a perfect specimen of youth and I would not mind having her at our table."

.......Wut? No seriously...wut?

Even Flam looked surprised. "Brother...perhaps you are the one who is hasty. She is not important. Certainly not capable of royal negotiation" What Flam meant was, she was super qualified to make decisions just from her speech and that was bad given she must have a lot of experience doing it.

"You misunderstand brother..." Flim understood, he kept his eye on the prize, which was of course to swindle you...in fact, he wanted to swindle you out of more than just your kingdom. He pulls a thornless rose from his crown and tosses it so perfectly it lands in Chrysalis's mane. "I meant our dinner table"

WUUUUT?!

Flam started to understand, but he didn't fully agree with it, an outsider in their affairs? To save face, he'd agree. But he'd talk to Flim about it later. "Ahh yes, of course brother, indeed. Dinner with such a fine mare would be alright. However, we must also focus on our young prince. Can we not work out a quick agreement with you? I know it's sudden, but for you to come like this, you must want something done quickly. Am I right? Of course I am"

You raise an eyebrow at them. Trying to remain calm about Flim's...attraction. "Actually, I'd like to see more of Canterlot before I perform any deals. I want to see what this kingdom has to offer. And I'd like to start with it's former ruler. Surely you'd know where she is."

You turn to Chrysalis for a moment, and nearly drop your jaw as she blushed, looking to Flim with cute embarrassment......oh god...please be acting. Hell, you looked towards him, and you could see him smiling at her. Creeppppyyyy.

"Celestia? Surely you wouldn't want to see her, she's old and rather loony these days. We keep her about for the shift of days but she certainly isn't anypony you would want to talk to. Perhaps you'd like to see our hotels or casinos...maybe both. What do you say?" Flam tries to convince you.

You growl, and stomp your hoof. "What disrespect! I thought we were mutual equals. But to be treated with such.....no I won't even let it leave my lips. I wish to see Celestia..NOW! Or I shall return home immediately. Our kingdom is rich enough with it's rare minerals and machines. We don't need anything from Equestria to survive!"

Rare minerals and machines? No, Flam now felt he couldn't let that go. "Hold on my dear Prince, if we can have a moment of your time. Just one more moment. We can supply you both with the information you seek and a special gold card that never expires. Letting you do as you wish within reason as a special guest in our kingdom for as long as you need. We expect to have a deal soon of course. But, just think of it as our apologies for insulting you...GERTRUDE, WILL YOU COME HERE, AND BRING THE GOLD CARD"

Gertrude?

As you waited, Flim looked to Chrysalis with a grin and wiggled his eyebrows. "So miss, would you take me upon my offer and see me for dinner tonight? I promise to make it worth your while."

Chrysalis giggled shyly. "Oh my, I am but a mere adviser, you needn't waste your time on me"

Flim was trying to work her over. "Oh trust me, time is something I have a large abundance of."

"R-really?..Well then, perhaps we can reschedule for another day then. I still must att...end..to..my......Princes's....side" Chrysalis's jaw nearly dropped as "Gertrude" entered the room. No, even you nearly did. Straight to the fucking floor.

Gertrude was......Chrysalis. Dewinged, dehorned, wearing a basic pony maid flap, and some odd collar around her neck. "Hello your highnesses...is this what you asked for?" She holds out a solid gold version of the card you had. Flam takes it from her and uses his magic to hover it over to you. He waves it front of you as you just stare at.....that.

"Prince Anon...is there a problem?" He asked.

You snap back to attention. "O-oh...n-nothing..erm..that's..an interesting maid...you got there"

"Gertrude? Ahh yes, she would be. Use to be the feared Changeling queen until we convinced her to be our maid. That collar keeps her complacent, unless she wants a shock of course. But she isn't vicious, no quite the opposite. She might be the friendliest being you ever did see. So no need to be alarmed or scared of her." Flam says with certainty.

‘Gertrude’ bows. "You honor me, King Flam"

You take the card and look to Chrysalis...who was still frozen in shock. Ahh shit..please don't explode.

"Yes..Well. Anyway, If you are intent on meeting Celestia. She lives with her old pupil on the east side of town. We were rather generous with her you see, we gave her a large home that can be seen from nearly anywhere on the east side by looking for the sun adorned tower. Very easy to spot. We also provide her with food and anything she might want for her services… Though, she never asks for much. If you wish to see her, then of course that is fine by us. Don't ever feel restricted within our kingdom"

"T-thank you...We'll be going now. We do h-have a full day ahead of us..N-Nymous? L-let's go" But she was still just frozen there.

"Ahh hold on there young Prince" Flim hops off his throne and nears Nymous, and slips her a card before looking to her shocked face. "Yes, I know it's stunning for somepony such as I to be near one such as you. But I come from humble beginnings. In other words, I am quite approachable...And what I mean by that is that somepony as lovely as you should approach me when you are ready. I will show you what true class is like. Isn't that right brother?" Flim looks to Flam.

Flam cringed at that, he didn't like Flim's sudden interest in this mare. But he was never one to hurt or disappoint his choices. As Flim had never done it to him. "Of course brother,"

"See? Nothing to worry about my dear. Nothing to worry about...Hope to see you soon. I hope to see the both of you soon. Take care" Flim wishes you a fond farewell.

"Y-you too." You turn, as you hear Flim and Flam preparing to depart as they ask "Gertrude" for tea. "Nymous...let's g-go" But she still wasn't moving. "Nymous?"

You look towards her....she's just...frozen. Flim gives her one last look with a gentlemanly smirk. God, he must think that he left her speechless. Well..she was speechless. Christ....

"N-Nymous?" No Response....shit....you gotta get her out of there. You start pushing her out the door as Flam looks back at the both of you. He...found the whole thing curious. But a new kingdom was a new kingdom, and it would be his and his brother's soon enough.

As soon as you push her out the throne doors. You pant, and groan. Just getting her out the door was difficult enough. "Dammit....Chrysalis...snap out of it....come on. Remember? Stay composed?" She was composed alright..of what? You couldn't tell, she was still frozen.

Fuck....fuck..ok. You had to do it. You hoped it'd work. Because there was no other way.

You place the horn on your forehead. and focus as hard as you can in transporting both you and her to the east side of town. It works....sorta. You both do indeed teleport. But only back out, somewhere near the castle....or just a little further in fact. In an alley, a dirty one. What a waste of a charge...

As you look upon Chrysalis, the rose in her mane burns up in a green flame as her eyes glow and her face twists to extreme hateful rage. "YOU DARE MAKE A MOCKERY OF ME! YOU INSIGNIFICANT INSECTS! I'LL DESTROY YOU...NO..I'LL KILL YOU..THE BOTH OF YOU!"

Chrysalis jumps at a trash can and lifts it from the ground, she bucks it up into the air and brandishes her horn as she blasts it to pieces. Those pieces coming down and landing on her as you dodge out of the way. But her fury knew no bounds. The trash just burned away to nothing upon touching her skin.

"Chrysalis!..God..Don't kill me ok?! But you need this!" You rush up to her and slap her face, then dive and put your hooves over your head. "Now don't kill me, Please!"

Chrysalis just looks ahead for a moment, confused. "Hrn? W-what happened? Weren't we just dealing with those two idiots?"

You peek up at her. Did..she not remember?...Was it...too big of a shock for her? Shit....just..lie to her or something...god dammit. Things were fine until that happened. "U-um, you. Had a moment..sorta...and then we left...to an alley..and"

Chrysalis rolls her eyes at you "Stop lying to me..what happened? I don't seem to remember much of anything other than being invited for dinner..."

....That could work. "Ummm, you nearly blew up at that. And I teleported us out the moment the meeting was over. I mean, look at that trashcan..it's..you blasted it to pieces."

Chrysalis looked down at whatever remains there was. Did she do that? "I...lost my cool over being asked for a date? Ugh...I must be hungry again. Strange, I know I filled up before we left. Usually winning the favor of a royal means nothing but imminent takeover. I'd think I'd be more in control despite that idiot actually falling for me. But if I did that...over something like that.....Are you sure it wasn't something else?"

"Well, he was pretty irritating." You continue to lie. sweat coming down your brow.

"Hmmmmnnn...Fine, we don't have time to...hrm?" Chrysalis notices she had a card in her suit. She takes it and takes a look. It was plain white with gold lettering. It said "King Flim's card of personal approval" But on the back, there was a magically ingrained message "Miss Nymous, I hope to see you again soon. Please think of me whenever you look at this card"

Chrysalis gagged at it. "Disgusting...but to think I'd lose my cool over this. I hate this world. It's messing with my mind"

You nod in agreeance. "Yeah, me too..and uhm." You change the subject quickly. "Hey, we know where Celestia is...she's...erm..."

You look to the east. And see a tall tall tower with a sun on the top. That had to be the place. But holy fuck, it looked like it was pretty far. "Over there" You point to the sun tipped tower.

".....Huh...hrnnn, it almost seems obvious. And what of the brothers? We didn't agree to anything stupid. Did we?...I didn't...did I?" Chrysalis felt like she had a reason to gag, but couldn't place why.

You shake your head. "No, we're free to do whatever. But Flim.....kinda has an eye on you. It's....really off putting and weird."

"An idiot finding me perfect? It's normal. But I digress.....let's finally see what fate had in store for Celestia."

And so you both march off. This whole world...is fucking fucked up to no end. And what did Flam mean by...Old Pupil? Twilight? Does Twilight live with her?...Oh man....Celestia is probably fucked up beyond recognition at this point. You had to prepare your heart for this one. Because you had a feeling Celestia was less of a shadow of her former self. Especially if Twilight is taking care of her...unless maybe, the way Twilight acting was an act?.....Mnnnn

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