• Published 21st Oct 2017
  • 10,515 Views, 2,803 Comments

Dadonequus Discord (Book 1) - CrazedLaughter



Discord makes a deal with an anonymous human. The human gets to live a good life in Equestria. And Discord? he gets to have a son of his own. Of course, his only reason is to impress Fluttershy and annoy Twilight.

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Chapter 8

"Mommy!?" Discord raised his arms up in anger as his eyes began to flare up… literally. "MOMMY?!?!"

You begin to back up slowly; looking up at him in fear. "H-hey now Dad, let's calm down...I-I mean. It's not that big a deal right? Remember? Lost foal? No parents? That? Remember?"

Discord levitated you upwards as a portal with those tentacles appeared behind you "And do you remember what I said about being too friendly? Because if you think I didn't notice you blushing and being oh so affectionate… Well, Anon." His face became stone cold serious "You'd be wrong"

You start to float about. Trying to get back to the ground but to no avail. "Woah woah woah woah! Hey! You told me to be of my best behavior remember?! Girls like cute things! Remember… Look at the bowtie Discord! LOOK AT THE BOWTIE. YOU MADE ME IRRESISTIBLY CUTE!"

Discord brought you closer. Eye to eye. looking at you with serious fury "Just because I made you irresistible doesn't mean to BE Irresistible!"

WHAT?! WHAT LOGIC IS THAT?!... Oh holy shit you were going to die! "H-hey, come on. I get it. You don't want any kind of lewdity or whatever around Fluttershy. I-I didn't do any of that. I kind of just got caught up in the moment."

Discord said nothing. He just stared deeply into your eyes. You began to panic. "COME ON MAN, I'M SORRY! YOU AT LEAST GET TO HANG OUT WITH HER MORE RIGHT?! CUTE KID MEANS MORE CHANCES FOR PICNICS AND STUFF! COME ON! I'M BEGGING YOU!"

You began to sob and cry. And just as you did. The portal behind you disappeared as Discord embraced you in a hug. "Anon! That's brilliant. I didn't even think it'd give me more of a reason to be around my favorite friend. I only wanted to show her that I was above Twilight's judgement. But now, that changes everything! Who would have thought that I, Discord, would have a son nearly as intelligent as I am." He sounded absolutely thrilled.

You however, were silent. You were shaking in pure fear as sweat ran down your fur. You were looking over Discord's shoulder in a blank, dead, frightened stare.

"..."

Discord pulled you away and held you up at eye's length, he seemed puzzled. "Oh my poor little colt. Are you cold?"

"..."

Discord smiled "Excellent! Then I know one last pony you should meet before we settle in for the rest of the day! She's just a ray of sunshine!"

"..."

Discord put you down and gave you a pat "Are you ready Anon?"

You just stood there, frozen and shocked. Discord lowered his upper body to your face and grabbed your jaw with his talons and moved it up and down to make mock speak. "Why yes Daddy, You're the coolest, I would totally love to mess with Princess Celestia for a little bit!" Discord chuckled "That's my boy!"

As Discord opened a portal behind you. It suddenly just hit you that you were about to meet...and mess with...Princess Celestia. You look up at him with a panic. "NO! nonononono! We can't do that Discord! Not her! Not ever!"

Discord noticed your reanimation and looked at you unamused. "Oh? And why not?"

Your eye twitched. "Why not?! Gee, I dunno. I SURE DO want to be banished, turned to stone, or imprisoned for one thousand years!"

Discord chortled "Oh Anon, loosen up a little. We get into one little skirmish and you are suddenly afraid of everything. It's unbecoming!"

You felt a bubble of anger suddenly hit you as you yell out. "YOU WERE GOING TO KILL ME JUST 5 MINUTES AGO! YES, I'M SCARED. AND NOW WERE GOING TO GO MESS WITH SOMEPONY WHO EVEN BANISHED HER SISTER! HER SISTER, DISCORD! SIIIISSSSSTTTEEEERRRRRRR!"

Discord laughed again "Anon, you watch too many cartoons"

Nope....he wasn't listening. You just crossed your arms..legs..whatever and looked away defiantly.

"Nope, I ain't going. You can do this solo. Twilight is one thing. But I don't care how nice Celestia has always seemed. Messing with her always seems to end in thousand year banishments."

Discord laughter became crueler "Anon, you make it sound like you have a choice"

Crap… No no, don't give in. If you had to. You were sure you could find an exit from this crazy dimension somehow. "I can just run away Discord. There's such a thing as runaways you know?"

Discord smiled arrogantly and opened his front door with magic. Suddenly, lightning struck everywhere from outside the door. "There's the door, you can leave whenever you wish"

Pfft… If this is like any cartoon universe. Then he's only trying to scare you. You knew you could pull a one up on him by running out anyway. You also knew that ultimately. He can't let any harm befall you now that at least Fluttershy knows you exist… What a sucker.

You quickly turn and run towards the front door. That's it, you got him right where you want him!
Discord reached out for you, but missed "Anon, wait. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you, but if you keep going you'll… YOU'L- ANON DON'T!"

He sounded… concerned… but no. You were already in full sprint and you wanted to make a statement that you weren't just something to be manipulated. You leap out the door, you were free! FREE!

And then the next moment you fall on your head on a regal white floor. Pillars about you. Everything squeaky clean. stain glassed windows about… Oh shit... After taking a quick glance, you plop your face to the floor. "...Dammit..."

Discord picks you up and again dusts you off with his tail. "I tried to warn you Anon, I didn't want you to hit your head again but you went and did it anyway. Now why did you go and do such a silly thing like that?"

You just grumbled....no matter what you did..or do. You can't trump his magical abilities.
"We're in Canterlot Castle… Aren't we?"

"Indeed, sharp eye. I knew you'd change your mind about this if you just gave it a chance" Discord giggled to himself as he rubbed hard on a scuff on your forehead. Making it vanish completely.

You let out a very annoyed sigh. "...Fine, whatever, let's do this already. But no more visits....not unless it's Pinkie Pie.."

Discord scoffed "Fine fine..I suppose we need a little moderation on all this fun we're having."

You took in a deep breath, and slowly let it out. "That's supposing we don't end up as statues or something."

Discord, looked into your eyes for a moment, it seemed he was noting that you weren't being enthusiastic this time around. "Anon, you need to look cuter and happier than this. If it will help, then I promise that as some point you will have an audience with Pinkie Pie… How does that sound?"

You cock an eyebrow at him, unsure whether to believe him or not. "Are you lying to me?"

Discord gave you a gentle pat. "I am not lying, you can be as affectionate as you want as well. I don't mind. As long as your extreme affections go towards her and not Fluttershy, then of course I'll keep my word."

You gave it some thought… Then realized... "Yeah… but then again. I could just meet her on Applebloom's "Tour" eventually right?"

Discord nodded. "You can… but you'd have three fillies trying to push you along to the next spot. What I'm offering is one on one time"

You immediately blushed. "o-one on..one time?"

"Of course! But I don't want you to get your hopes up too much. You should realize she'll never be your special somepony..." You look down… That's right, you were just a colt.. "...Of course, that won't stop her from hugging, cuddling, and nuzzling you. She's a very hoof on type of mare. That should suffice. Right? It's not as if you won't have her friendship."

...Nuzzling and cuddling and friendship? Fuck it. That's good enough. One day, you will probably get the hots for another pony. But for now, affection from your favorite one and guaranteed friendship? Yeah ok… That’s fine. "...Ok, hold on."

You pump your right front hoof to your chest and take a breath to calm yourself. “Whewww, ok, I'm good. I can do this. I trust you… Dad. Let's make Celestia blow a fuse."

Discord snickered "Yes… Let’s..." Discord teleports you and himself into Celestia's chambers. It seems private..and unguarded. Celestia seems to be enjoying a spot of tea alone.
Well, she was alone. Until you and Discord showed up. While Discord appeared opposite of her with a tea cup fashioned in a style of his own accord. You floated slightly above… Invisible again of course.

"Helllllo! Is it tea time already? Silly me, I must have missed the invite. How are you Princess Celestia?" Discord said with a grin

The Princess remained stoic, only putting on a small smile as she used her magic to bring a cup to her mouth and take a small sip "Good afternoon Discord. I must say, I wasn't expecting your presence. But then again.." She giggles "...I suppose nopony ever does"

Discord seemed a little miffed that she didn't have a bigger reaction. But he pressed on, with a light hearted chuckle "Well, yes. I am the spirit of chaos after all."

Celestia took a small bite of her cake, before looking at him with a smile that would make the sun come up "Of course, and I'm glad to see you doing well. Tell me, how did that Equestrian Law seminar with Twilight go? Good I hope"

Discord brought his paw and talons together and tapped, keeping his eyes on Celestia's face for any sudden changes "It went smoothly. In fact, you can say I took it to heart more than any other pony would."

Celestia remained composed. and took another sip "That's very good to hear, though I assume you learned it in your own way as well, given you saw fit to visit me so suddenly. Although, I do enjoy having lighthearted company from time to time" Celestia gave a jovial chuckle.

"Why Princess Celestia, you are quite observant as always. I did indeed take it my own way… In such a way, that you can say I am undergoing the ultimate test."

As you could see, it seems Celestia was already used to Discord pulling tricks.This actually might be funny. Not worth a 1000 years. But you were actually anticipating a hilarious reaction. A sudden break.

"Ultimate test you say? Oh Discord, now you have me riveted. Tell me, what is this "Ultimate" test?" Celestia looked to him, she seemed quite interested.

Discord seemed to be getting a little antsy, and cut to the chase "It's simple, the test itself is being responsible for another life. So, without further adieu, Princess Celestia, I present to you… Anon… my son!"

Discord snapped his fingers...and this time..thankfully...you appeared right on Celestia's tea table...though now your butt was covered in cakes. You gave Celestia a wave and went into your routine. It was kind of scary. But maybe it really was worth the laugh.

"Hello! I'm Anon! Nice to meet you!"

Celestia didn't even looked stunned. She just was silent for a moment. Then smiled at you "Oh my, Discord, he's adorable!"

Discord....was stunned "HE'S WHAT?!"

You too..were taken aback. "...I'm what?"

You already knew being adorable was the shtick...but...either you did it too well...or.....what just happened?

Celestia lifted you up with her magic and put you down directly in front of herself. You felt a little fuzzy. her magic aura was warming. "A little bit of a crude place to introduce him. But a bath will fix that. Hello little one, how are you doing today?"

...Not one reaction… not one. you almost thought to question it. But that'd seem suspicious of an adopted foal asking why she isn't freaking out. "Gyum… ummm, I'm good."

Celestia smiled wide, she seemed happy as a clam "I'm glad, it always makes me happy to know a young colt or filly is having a good and wonderful day."

Discord slammed his paw on the table and locked eyes with Celestia's as he got frustrated. "What?! Are you not surprised or horrified that'd I take on such a ridiculous responsibility?!"

Celestia giggled sweetly at him as she gave your head a gentle rub with her hoof. It was… as warming as the sun. "Oh Discord, it's not ridiculous to want to care for another. If anything, it shows me just how much of a heart you have. And besides," She looks down at you "He seems healthy, and he's clothed in very fine clothing, and he seems very smart. So that tells me you've already been doing a good job. Tell me Anon, do you like your father. You can tell me the truth."

..You did… And you didn't… And due to that Pinkie Pie promise… You did more than you didn't. So you nod. "yes, I think he's pretty cool. a little weird sometimes. But he's pretty great."

"Well then...I see no reason to have any objection whatsoever."

Discord came to a mental crash and raised his talon in protest, but sounded defeated "But… but… aren't you wondering..umm..uhhmm..hrn.."

Celestia chuckled and walked over to him, and gave him a slight nudge with her leg "Discord, you don't need to hide it. I know you came here to receive a personal royal blessing and I of course give it to you. So you don't need to be at a loss of words. It's simply a blessing from a humble princess such as myself."

Discord… fell silent.

...oh man. OH MAN. OHHHHHMAAAANN. DISCORD GETTING BTFO. OHHH OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED. You held on for dear life the laughter within you. Holy shit… Pure fucking gold.

Celestia sat back down, and resumed her tea drinking "I'd offer you both a slice of cake.but I'm afraid they've gone flat. so..Anon, would you care for some tea instead?"

You hobble up on a chair and sit down. Celestia giggles as some of the cake drips from your butt, and the rest gets on the chair. "No, I had a lot to eat already. Dad fed me pretty good."

Celestia refilled her cup as she gave a glance to the stunned Discord. "very well hmm? It sounds like he gave you a personal feast"

You nod. "Yup! lots and lots and lots of food. It seemed endless!"

Celestia's smile never relented "Sounds like the amount of food is the same as the amount of love he has for you."

Discord's eye twitched as he came close to Celestia in a fit of frustration "Now see here! I am not some cuddly wuddly being of love! I am the Spirit of Chaos! The wreaker of havoc! I am Discord!"

Celestia didn't even seem like she was paying too much attention to him as she passed you a cup of tea. "Here Anon, at least try this. It's very soothing"

Welp… whatever. Better not reject a princess's offering. "Thank you Princess Celestia." You smile at her and carefully take the cup and take a sip… It's… warming. It makes you feel a little calmer.

Celestia then turned to Discord and offered him a cup "Discord, I think you should definitely have a cup or two as well. You seem all bent out of shape about something. It's as if you came here for a different reason than the one suggested."

Discord's eyes burst into flames...for all of 2 seconds. Celestia still remained unmoved by his actions. After standing threateningly over her for another moment. He took the cup, let some steam out of his nose, put out his eye fires, and sat down on a chair with a huff. "Fine..."

You couldn't stop smiling. You had to dig your hoof into your other leg to create some pain to counter your urge to giggle.

Celestia took the time to use her magic to refill everyone's cup "There we are, now we can have a pleasant tea party." She then looked to you "That's alright, right Anon? I don't want you to feel it's too girly or feminine."

You took a sip. Oh man, good stuff. You then looked up to her, and smiled. You weren't about to be rude to her hospitality. "No, it's fine. I actually could use this right now. It's been a really exciting first day."

Celestia giggled "I can only imagine, given who your father is. Though, if we meet again. I'm sure we can find a more exciting activity. I'll even invite you to this year's Gala. I'm sure you'll have fun. The last two were quite exciting."

Yeah… you knew. She was pretty slick when it came to that. Maybe that's why she was calm now. She knew Discord wouldn't pull anything evil. And therefore had nothing to fear… Holy shit, you hoped that was it. Because you weren't too sure. She's messed up before. "Galas seem… I dunno… a little girly to me. I don't mean to be offensive but um, It just sounds all about dances and fancy music."

"Usually, but I can assure you. I'm sure something might happen that's sure to pique your interest." Celestia's smile...it hid the fact that she was indeed about fun in less serious times.

Not like you were going to deny the gala anyway. You just needed to play the part. "Well..then...I guess I'll go. I mean...if you'll invite me."

Celestia nodded "Of course, and you too Discord… You've been rather silent all of a sudden. Is anything the matter?"

Discord was slowly eating his cup as the tea stayed in place in the air. He seemed frustrated. "Nothing's the matter… whatever.. Would.. give you that.. Idea?"

"I was just worried due to your silence. hmm..Anon, I think your father wants to go." You looked over to him… he was not enjoying himself at all.

"Yeah..I think he might be mad about something. I don't know what it could be though. Are you ok Dad?" You almost let out a laugh again. Gotta keep your cool. You knew exactly what was up.

Discord didn't even turn to look at you "I'm...just..peachy.."

"Hmm… Well, Anon, I enjoyed both yours and your father's time here today. If you ever feel uncomfortable about anything. Let me know, I'm sure you can find a way to bypass all my security" Celestia again giggled. Did she know her royal guards weren't that great? ...Nah.. Probably just the fact you can get here through Discord's magic.

"Yes, umm, Princess Celestia. Actually, when I get the chance. I'd like to ask you a few things."
There were a few things you were interested in. You wanted to pick her brain about a few things the show was fuzzy with. But you wanted to do it without Discord present. Since some of it regarded the pre-battle experience with him.

Princess Celestia nodded "I'd be happy to answer some questions. I'm sure they'd be very insightful to you. I love teaching young ponies history and magic. It’s a shame you aren't a unicorn. I'd have had you enrolled in my school that I have here in Canterlot. I'm sure you'd be exceptional as you seem very intelligent already. But nevertheless, I'd be happy to grant you my time to answer any question you might have on your next visit." You could swear Celestia herself gave Discord an arrogant glare as she said this.

That was awfully generous and nice of her. You get off your chair and give her the most courteous of bows "That would be an honor Princess Celestia, I truly appreciate it"

Princess Celestia suddenly leaned over and gave you a peck on the forehead. "My, you really are a little gentlecolt, aren't you? I'm sure whatever mare comes your way will be very lucky to have you."

HURDDURSFSDSKSFDFEFEDSDCDS... You fumble about, as you quiver, and have a goofy smile on your face. You can't even look at her. "uahm..a..ahm..thank you."

Celestia giggles as you wobbly walk over to the silent Discord. "a..a..d-dad..time to go."

Discord, without a word raises his talons to snap you and him out of there before Celestia opens her mouth. "Discord, are you not going to say goodbye to me, seems like a poor example to be setting into your son, don't you think?"

Discord winced… his plan as playing the "caring" father had been completely overturned. "o-of course… Pleasant day, Celestia.. I've...had..a..lovely...visit.."

Celestia nodded "And it was lovely to have you. You both have a pleasant evening."

You smile and wave to Celestia. As Discord snaps his talons. Warping you both out.

Celestia had turned it into her favor pretty good. Even if she was unaware of the truth. She sure got under Discord's skin.

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