• Published 21st Oct 2017
  • 10,282 Views, 2,759 Comments

Dadonequus Discord (Book 1) - CrazedLaughter



Discord makes a deal with an anonymous human. The human gets to live a good life in Equestria. And Discord? he gets to have a son of his own. Of course, his only reason is to impress Fluttershy and annoy Twilight.

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Chapter 213 - Twilight Week Arc

Author's Note:

Tonight!
Anon lies... again... poorly...
Discord gets mad
And Celestia is pretty rad

"...By breaking through the hospital wall?"

Discord shrugged as he materialized a telescope and started looking around with it. "Different beings have different ways of showing affection.....hrnnnnn"

"What are you looking for?"

"Princess Celestia's nephew....he should be..." Discord pops the telescope's end through some very large bushes. it actually extends far out through many obstacles until he spots what he is looking for. He then retracts the telescope. "Right over there.......glorious."

"So..were really going to do this then? Egh..." You stretch yourself, then put on your saddle bag. Hoping he doesn't mention the horn.

"You shouldn't offer if you aren't willing to see it through. Come on Anon..." Discord looks at you with a serious, near desperate look. "It's been awhile since I've seen you. I'm bored, ohhh so bored. And I've come to enjoy causing mischief with a partner rather than doing it alone. The praise always makes me feel like I did everything right. Don't tell me you've fallen so into Twilight's ways that you're not willing to cause even a little chaos. It's your cutie mark!" Discord clenches his talons, then points in the direction where he saw Blueblood "And you have no emotional attachment to our target. You have no reason to say no!"

But he was still Celestia's and Luna's nephew.....The hell were you supposed to do here? How was he going to explain it to the princesses if you and him got caught? "..Fine...but you have to take full responsibility if you get caught."

You make a cute innocent face at him. Because fuck it, you weren't going down for this at all. You had too much on your plate already. "Because why else would an innwocent wittle colt like me cause swuch twouble?"

Discord found the way you said that positively gross. He even stuck his tongue out form disgust "Ech, fine...not like that's true. But if you want me to take the FULL credit, then so be it. But I would have thought you'd have enjoyed some credit for our royal and majestic venture.....now then....any ideas?"

You took a look around a pillar, but from where you stood. the greenery and statues in the gardens made it impossible to see him. "Well, what's he doing out here anyway?"

"He's having a statue made in his image. From what little I heard through the telescope, it seems Celestia gave him permission." Discord rolled his eyes. "One has to wonder what went through her mind when she said "Yes". Because I'll say this right now Anon. His self absorbed attitude annoys me to no end"

You roll your eyes and shake your head as you smirk. "You think? I dunno, it kind of sounds like someone else I happen to know"

Discord didn't seem to realize that you meant him as he started filing his talons. "Whoever that might be, I'd never want to meet him. Sound like a real boring kind of fella. Anyway Anon, we need an approach, a gameplan, a strategy of sorts. I don't want to just cause any kind of mischief. I want him to invite it upon himself. Don't you think that would make things oohhh so sweet?"

Invite it upon himself? "Hrnnn..." You rub your hoof along your chin, pondering. "Well...that does sound like an extra bit of fun. You mean like in a cartoon when they get rid of the guy doing something for someone, and replace him to do something that ruins everything?"

"Yes exactly" Discord chuckles as he pats you on the head. "I'm glad we're on the same page. And it's a good thing I have practice making statues too...but how to get rid of that pony he already has there without him being the wiser...hmmmm" Discord was pulling at his beard, thinking.

That shouldn't be too hard. Right? You just had to do it like they do it in the cartoon.....or you could cheat. "Did the sculptor have any drink with him?"

"Just a glass of water? Why?" Discord asks.

You smirk and even have a bit of a chuckle yourself. You actually devised something devious...and all in all. it felt good to actually think of it. "Well...if we mix a little something that forces him to the bathroom..."

Discord immediately continues right from there. "And then lock him in the bathroom, we can replace him once he wonders where he went....ohohohoho" Discord rubs his paw and talons together with devious intent on his face. "And here I thought Twilight had made you soft."

"Hey, I'm good with entire thing as long as I don't get in trouble. Blueblood is a total asshole with nothing redeeming about him. All the better to mess with him. But..I also don't wanna take too long with this either. I really need to speak to Twilight about something."

"We'll see Anon.." Discord snapped his talons. "And now...we wait"

You and Discord sat there until you noticed a pony rushing towards what could only be the direction of the castle. "Was that him?"

"It was...now then.." Discord changed into a completely different pony. One that looked dignified and wise. with a beret for a hat and a white coat over his… white coat. He also donned a curly mustache to match his green eyes. You yourself felt a change. While you still looked the same. You donned the same clothes as he did, and your mane color was made a solid gold yellowish color. "Just give it another few moments for our friend to find his way to the bathroom. He won't be able to leave once he does....and then..."

And now you finish his sentence off. "We move in, and totally give Blueblood shit, right?"

"Not the words I'd use....but yes, that's exactly what we're going to do" And so, both you and Discord wait quite some time. Discord putting a hoof to his ear, listening for something.

"...What are you doing? Shouldn't we go in?" What was he doing?

"Patience Anon, we can't go and do our thing until we hear the cry of the Whineinglus Annoyititiom"

Wut? "What....is that even word?"

"Of course it is"

"And what is a ‘whinamnabla’ thing?"

"Whineinglus Annoyititiom, Anon..it's basically what you would call a very very annoying pony. And they have a very distinct cry. One of-"

"Where is that Sculptor?! Listen here Sculptor! I may not be able to remember your name! But I can still remember your face! A perfect description is more than enough to have the guards arrest you for having me stand in place for well over two hours!" Blueblood bellowed

"Ahhhh..and there's it's wonderful wonderful cry" Discord had a sinister grin on his face.. Hell, you would encourage it this time. From just hearing that, Blueblood sounded like a real ass in real life.

"Two hours? The fuck? It's only been twenty minutes..." You said, well. it was rather confusing for him to state that.

"Yes, I know Anon" Discord chuckles "But to a Whineinglus Annoyititiom, ten minutes is an hour. Anyway..since that happens to be our cue. Just follow my lead...oh, and do put on your horn. I'd like to have some backup. I'll let off some of my own power so you can have an extra few charges." Discord straightens his beret as he prepares to step towards Blueblood.

Your eyes widen...shit...SHIT.... Should you lie? Dammit...ok..no. You could lie to Discord. Just think illogically...this is him. He'd never know. And he lies to you all the time. It goes back and forth. "Actually...I'd like to try causing chaos without the horn. Makes good practice actually. Right?" You give him a confident smirk. Rather than one of those goofy smiles. A confident smirk should show him that your game rather than trying to hide something.

Discord face went completely neutral as he looked at you with half slit eyes. "What happened to the horn Anon? I appreciate a good lie, but you're very very bad at it. Do you need a new one per chance? Hmmm..." Discord grinned. "I'd wonder what would happen if somepony found the horn you lost. Ohhhh, that'd be fun"

You sigh, and hang your head in shame...dammit. "...Princess Celestia took my horn actually."

Discord, still grinning, but obviously stunned, starts speaking through his teeth. "She....took your horn? Is that what you said?"

You nod. "Yeah...she took it. Because I used it to break into her castle to show off to my date"

Discord was still frozen in a grin, but his eye was twitching.. Then suddenly he stepped up to you, furious. "HOW COULD YOU LET HER TAKE YOUR HORN?! HOW COULD YOU LET ANY HIGH STANDING, DO GOODING, DISGUSTING!..." Discord then backs off and smiles for a moment. "Although has such a good sense of humor at times and really gets a giggle out of me when she has something over Twilight..Celestia could be so much more if she wanted to be really...but.." Discord then nearly slams his face into yours, back to his furious nature. "WRETCHED PONY TAKE YOUR HORN?!"

You take a few steps back, ok..so he was angry because Celestia took it. That's him..but still. "Look, sometimes doing things comes with consequences. I screwed up and she took my horn. And...I can't accept another one."

"You can't? Or won't?" Discord growled as another horn appeared in front of you "Take it and lets get on with the fun. I don't have time to deal with you suddenly being all moral." Discord tapped his hoof on the ground, waiting for you as you just stared at it.

...It was tempting. You even reached out to grab it. But you stop. You'd rather deal with Discord than with Celestia. Even if this whole trick somehow backfires on you. It shouldn't be so bad if Discord keeps his word and you refrained from the horn....god..somewhere you knew. Your logic didn't fully sync up.

You push the hoof away and shake your head, and look at Discord with a confident and hard stare. "I can't do it Discord. I'll join in on this. But Celestia didn't want me using the horn for a reason. Either you accept that or I'm outta here."

"Why Anon?! What about that Chimera? If you had the horn, things would have been different!" Discord attempts to subvert your logic with his own.

You sigh, you could have. But, if you hadn't dived in the first place... "Yeah, well. If I had waited, it would have been different too. So, no. Still not taking it."

"You can't do that Anon. I order you to take the horn!" Discord stamps his hoof.

"No! I gave you my offer. And I've known you long enough that you're not going to have fun if you force me into it."

"No, but I could have fun making you a part of it"

Both you and Discord locked eyes. You wouldn't budge.

"....Are you willing to lose me as a friend over this? Because I can still be your "son" and hate your guts. Hell, We got Queen Chrysalis, I could pal around with her if I need to." Hopefully, that use of Season 3 rhetoric would get him to back down. You weren't going to disobey Celestia. You just couldn't.

Discord groaned and stepped back. "A crude and harsh strategy, Anon. You're willing to follow Celestia over me. I can't believe I actually lived long enough to see the day"

You squint your eyes at him. "You're immortal..."

"Yes....but that's besides the point. Very well, if it MEANS that much to you..." Discord points his hoof at the horn and makes it vanish. "Then we shall try it your way, and see what happens...." Discord shakes his head, and turns around to hide a frown. "It's a shame really, I can see your time with Twilight is making you into a goody four shoes after all. The old Anon would have kicked Celestia's words to the curb and accept a new horn....which...what if I gave this new one two charges? Maybe three?" Discord turns to you with a smile.

You shake your head...as cool as that sounds… "Sorry Discord...I just...can't."

"I see." There was lament in his voice. You could tell he just wanted his time with you. He missed you. But, he'd just have to man up.

The situation's aura is then broken by another yell from Blueblood "Who is there? Is that you sculptor? I demand another statue for making me wait! That is the only way to make up for this abhorrent act!"

"Let's go....and remember...smiles" Discord says in a serious tone, stepping out and towards where Blueblood is.

You almost felt bad for him. But, you knew to hold fast. Discord was Discord. He'd get over it...He just had to accept that you had to be more accepted by your pony friends, and not by him.

You follow him as he steps up to Blueblood with a joyous smile "Ahhh, you must be Prince Blueblood, a pleasure to meet you" He bows. "A real real honor"

Blueblood looked at Discord, confused. "Who are you? Where's the sculptor?"

"I'm you're new sculptor. The old one is busy with some business and so I am here to take his place. Along with me is my son, a junior sculptor and my trusted assistant."

Blueblood just looked at you with disdain, then rolled his eyes and sighed. "I see, and how qualified are you? I won't just let anypony make my statue, especially one who brings their son. Foals can be disgusting and..ewww..uncouth"

That fucking… You took a breath, and bowed to him a gentlemanly as possible. "Prince Blueblood you needn't worry, I am taught in the ways of royal manners. In fact, it is truly an honor to be in the presence of the greatest prince of all Equestria. If I had known you were the client, I wouldn't have come..I am not worthy to even be seen by such marvelous eyes"

"Hmm.." Blueblood smiled and began to feel very proud of himself. "I like this one" Blueblood looks to Discord. "So well mannered and understanding of what makes my position so great. Very well, you are my new sculptors. Now..." Blueblood puts himself into an elegant pose "Continue your predecessor's work. and please, make sure you get my eyes right. This statue must be able to make anypony who glances upon it fawn over my very visage"

"Hrnnnn..yes. Well, my prince, perhaps you'd like to take a small breather before we continue. You mustn't strain your valuable and precious body" Discord looks upon the unfinished statue as he speaks. Only the head and tail remained to be finished it seemed. everything else was...perfect.

"You're right sculptor, I am parched. But the castle, it is too far away for a pony like me to get a drink." Blueblood looks upon you. "Surely you know somepony else who can fetch me a drink."

"Of course I do..." Discord looks down at you, and shoos you along "You, go fetch the prince a drink. And make sure it's of..."High Class"" Discord gives you a wink.

High Class huh? It seemed he wanted you to do something to the drink itself. Also, the fuck? The castle was right there. If it wasn't Blueblood, you'd seriously wonder how anyone could be so lazy. You bow, and make your leave "Yes sir, right away my Prince"

You head off to the castle. Good thing you had this disguise, or else you might get recognized. All you had to do was ask a guard where the kitchen was and you were golden. And finding a guard upon entering the castle wasn't so hard either. You just explained who you were, and the mention of the statue and Blueblood seemed to have convinced them enough. One of the guards rolled his eyes at the fact they sent a child to get a drink instead of Blueblood doing it himself or at least not sending a lost child to do it at all.

You follow the guard's instructions and find the royal kitchen. Easy fucking peasy. It seems the chefs must have been out for some reason. It was empty. Good for you, you just had to find the drinks and that's that. You find a door, and open it. It seemed to be some sort of huge pantry. But for different kinds of ciders...huh...it wasn't as large as a wine cellar. But perhaps this was just a room for ready to serve ciders and drinks? You just take one down with your mouth and put it on a table, closing the door with a kick of your back hoof..

You stare at the bottle intently...hmmmn. "...How am I going to screw with this? Spit?...Nah...too easy...Puke?...ehh..I don't feel like it.." Then you get an evil idea in your head. "Well Blueblood, you know what else is yellow?"

You chuckle evilly and take the bottle. Now you just had to find a bathroom...or maybe you could just quickly take a piss in the pantry. Egh...problem is though, the thing needed to be uncorked. You started to open drawers for a corkscrew. "Come on.....where is-"

Suddenly, you hear a door open and close. You get spooked for a moment. But only a moment, you sorta kinda had permission to be in here so you go back to looking for the corkscrew. If they had anything to say, you'd just explain it like you explained to the guard.

"Hello there, might I ask what you're doing in the royal kitchen?" said a motherly and regal voice

"Looking for a corkscrew to uncork a..." you look up, and then freeze....ahhh shit...AHH DAMMIT.
CELESTIIIAAAAAAA. "P-princess Celestia......ahh, just...looking for a corkscrew for your nephew. He wanted a drink. I'm the..." Fuck Discord, you didn't even give yourself a name! "I'm… Stonehenge's son. Your nephew's sculptor's assistant...yeah"

Celestia smiled and shook her head. "Your father could have done a better job of disguising you. And by that I mean your voice." She sighed "So, what is he up to this time?"

Oh goddammit..she knew who you were.. "You're not angry?" You fearfully ask that question. Both wanting to know and not know the answer.

Celestia looks down at your forehead. Even gives it a quick tap with her hoof. "Not particularly, nothing interesting is going on for the thirty minutes of free time I have. To tell you the truth, I'm here against the wishes of my chefs. They said that having leftover cake is not good for a Princess...but I beg to differ, and I was going to get myself a piece before they all come back from their carefully planned out simultaneous break that I may have suggested" Celestia chuckle, then looked upon your forehead once more "I can see you must have resisted whatever temptation Discord had of getting your horn back. Or does he not know?"

You look to the side, you couldn't look her in the eye. "He knows..."

"Hrnn. Well Anon, I'm proud that you haven't given into temptation. I'm sad to know however, that Discord couldn't resist seeing you for a whole week. So then, what are you two up to? Is it fun? If it is..I wouldn't mind joining in for just a little bit. Of course, it depends on what it is." Celestia gave you a gentle pat on the head. She didn't want you to feel shame around her.

And it was a gentle pat, followed by a rub...dammit. she was sooo...gentle.. You look back at her, feeling softened, but still ashamed. And..you couldn't lie to her… "We're about to mess with your nephew. That's ok, right?"

"Ohhhh..I forgot he came by." Celestia chuckled to herself. "It completely slipped my mind actually. I wonder why he came. Did he say the reason by any chance?"

"He said you let him have a statue of himself in the garden"

Celestia made a grim look, then put her hoof to her forehead. "...Oh. I did, didn't I...?he must have asked while I was busy. To tell you the truth.." Celestia leans down to whisper in your ear "I don't listen to most of anything he has to say"

You smile at that. and hold in your laughter. you didn't want to offend.

"Anon..." Celestia gives you a poke to your side, making you giggle "You don't have to hold it in. It was meant to be funny.....but it's also true."

"S-sorry..I just didn't want to offend you"

Celestia shook her head and gave you a "warm as the sun" smile "Anon, I'm not easily offended. so....what were you going to do with that drink? Were you going to switch it with water? or perhaps mix in an unsavory drink like Bitterroot Malt?"

.........

"I was going to mix it with something. But that Bitterroot Malt thing sounds like a much better idea." You don't dare tell her what you actually had planned

"Alright" Celestia's horn begins to glow as the pantry door opens once again,a new drink popping out. the Bitterroot Malt. "While I get this mixed. Why don't you tell me about your days with Twilight. Twilight has been sending me letters everyday...but I haven't received a letter for yesterday and I'm interested to know if anything happened."

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