• Published 21st Oct 2017
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Dadonequus Discord (Book 1) - CrazedLaughter

Discord makes a deal with an anonymous human. The human gets to live a good life in Equestria. And Discord? he gets to have a son of his own. Of course, his only reason is to impress Fluttershy and annoy Twilight.

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Chapter 86

"So… uh, what now?"

Big Mac shrugged and looked back at his family.

"Where's Pinkie Pie? Wasn't she supposed to be the ref?" Applebloom looks around, but sees not one pink hair around anywhere. So Pinkie was the ref?

You look back at your team. "You guys didn't see Pinkie at all?" They all shrug

"Maybe she's in the bathroom." Scootaloo said "I could go and look"

"YAHOOOO!" You heard the loud screech of Pinkie explode through the air around you.

Wait, the air around you? You all look up, and see Pinkie coming in from the sky. There were cut balloon lines behind her. The fuck?!

"PINKIE! WHAT IN TARNATION ARE YA DOIN?!" Applejack yelled, her mind racing and kicking into emergency gear to set up a rescue.

"FALLING!" She cries out in glee

Everyone was gasping. Even you. What the fuck was she doing?!

Applejack jumped into the ring and positioned herself under Pinkie's trajectory. "Big Mac! Get ready to catch her! Darn it Pinkie! What were ya thinkin'"

You step back away from them. This was actually really worrying. "Why would she do this? I don't even see a parachute on her!"

"She probably thought she had one, ya ready Big Mac?" Applejack keeps him at the ready

Big Mac nodded and readied himself "Eeyup!"

"WOOOOHOOOO! I'M GONNA DO A CANNONBALL!" Pinkie yelled as she rolled into a ball and began to spin.


"I KNOW!" Pinkie laughed a huge audibly loud giggle of mirth.

Applejack and Big Mac made slight adjustments as they prepared to catch her. "Steady Big Mac, we only got one shot"

Some of the ponies close their eyes. You couldn't stop watching. What was she doing?! Right before impact. Pinkie positions herself headfirst towards the ground. And begins to spin her tail rapidly like a helicopter. "I HOPE EVERYPONY IS READY FOR THE MAIN EVENT! ANON Vs. BIG MAC! WOOOO!"

But nopony was cheering, they were fucking scared to death that she was gonna turn into a pink pancake. But she doesn't. She slows down to a near stop. And gently plants her hooves down on the ring. Then looks over to the now shocked Applejack and Big Mac as she unties the cut balloon lines. "Applejack? I didn't know this was a two on one. Is this because Anon beat up two guys?"

"two gu- PINKIE! DID YOU GO PLUM CRAZY OR SOMETHIN'! WHAT WAS ALL THAT?! WHY'D YOU DIVE IN FROM THE SKY!" Applejack was both angry and worried on Pinkie's thinking that it was ok to dive in from the sky.

"Well, I thought it'd be pretty neat. Since it's not only Anon getting his Cutie Mark, But the first time just about any of us has seen Big Mac do any actual fighting. I wanted to make a big showy entrance!"

Applejack put her hoof to her forehead as she tried to calm down "Sugarcube, yer not a pegasus. You mind not doin that ever again? You scared us all to near death"

Pinkie looked around, looking at all the shocked faces. "...Oh. I guess I overdid it huh?"

Applejack sighed, and gave Pinkie a pat on the back "Ya did, but the important thing is that yer ok. Now ya better do what ya do best because everypony is lookin pretty darn spooked about all that."

Pinkie nods "Gotcha! Don't worry, I know how to win over a crowd."

Christ… you should have remembered she could do that. But still, at that speed? Pinkie could be a goddamn Alicorn without the horn and wings at this point.

Applejack left the ring as Pinkie got to the center. She tilted her head forward, dropping a small microphone from her mane as she catches it with her hoof and gives it a spin before turning to the audience, or what’s little of them. "FILLIES AND GENTLECOLTS! WE WELCOME YOU TO SWEET APPLE ACRES FOR THE GRAND EVENT OF THE MILLENIA! A BATTLE TO END ALL BATTLES! ONE TO MAKE THE BATTLE AGAINST TIREK LOOK LIKE MASHED POTATOES!" She points to Big Mac. "IN THIS CORNER! STANDING A HEIGHT OF I DON'T REMEMBER! THE BIGGEST APPLE OF THEM ALL! THE TITAN MUSCLED RED RUMBLE! BIG MAC!"

There was some applause from the audience, Angel taking a huge jump in support. And of course the apples rooting for him.


"Woooooooooo! go Anon!" Yelled Lyra from the crowd of worker ponies.

"Get em Anon, I know you can do it!" Cheered Scootaloo

"Smash him into the ground!" Sweetie Belle yelled, a hint of viciousness in her tone.

"You can do it Anon! I believe in you!" Cheered Diamond Tiara.

"Try not to get hurt too bad Anon" said Silver Spoon, making the other three fillies look at her in disgust. "W-what? I was being realistic"

"Now remember you two. No cheap shots, no hurting each other if one of you are already on the ground, no overly rough stuff, no weapons, no magic. If you fall to the ground, I start to count, and if I count to ten. Then the one left standing is the winner. Or, your team coaches can toss in the towel for you if things get a little intense. You both got it?" Pinkie tells you both

"Eeyup!" Big Mac said.

"Yeah, got it."

"Theeeeenn!" Pinkie Pie lifted a hoof, under it, right on the frog, was a hidden small bell. She taps it with the microphone. "Let's get this battle rolling!" She hops daintily out of the ring as you and Big Mac faced each other.

He wasn't moving at all. You wondered if you could take him in a straight up fight like this. Shining was a cheating magical faggot who kept you up in the air with magic. But here was an earth pony, like the one Discord disguised himself as. You didn't want to hit him in the nuts. He didn't do anything to you. And you weren't fighting for your life. Plus, dem against the rules.

But it's not like you didn't know the places you could hit. A swift hit on the face. A buck to the jaw. Maybe a headbutt? A headbutt could work. Your head seemed pretty invincible. You felt pretty confident, you could feel a flow of determination surge through you. Maybe it was the setting. But you felt you could take him.

But… he was just standing there. Just staring at you.

"...You..uhh..gonna move? At all?"

Big Mac shook his head "Nope"

Ok, awkward. "Well, ok then. Because. I'm not going to hold back. You better get ready"

Big Mac stands there for a moment. Then...says something different. "I'm ready too. But It just doesn't sit right with me to be fighting a colt. I'm willing to help if it gets you your Cutie Mark though. Don't worry about hurting me. I'm pretty tough."

Huh, sometimes you forgot her could actually say words. And not to worry huh? Well then, in that case. "Ok, here I go!"

You had this, if he wasn't even going to fight back. Then this would be an easy win. Probably won't get you a cutie mark though. Maybe, who knows. Maybe it would. You waste no time in going right in and darting to Big Mac's side. You get up and balance yourself on your back hooves as you punch into his side with your front hooves. With each hit, you slam your hooves harder and harder into him, with no mercy, and no hesitation.

"Woah! Look at Nonny go! He's really laying into Big Mac right at the start of the match" Pinkie called out. Ref and announcer. Nice.

You heard Pinkie's words. If she was even surprised. You must be doing some sort of damage. You hit harder and faster, you tried to go Jojo on Big Mac.

As you kept on slamming your hooves, you could feel your back legs buckle. You were beginning to lose balance. But you could hear Big Mac make a sort of noise. And a few grunts. Yes! YES! That's it. Don't stop!

You lay in a few more hits before falling on your front hooves. But you felt damned confident. You must have done some damage. But when you finally gaze upon Big Mac. He was still perfectly fine, he never moved. All he did was yawn and stretch a little.

"Oh no! Nonny's Super Duper Jab Flail didn't work! Well, it did. Big Mac looks like he just got a really relaxing massage!"


NO WAY! You had a ton of free hits. You could feel every impact of your hooves hitting his side. They we're even sore. And he was only massaged?!

You growled. Not wanting him to suddenly make a move. You hop to his front and and try bucking him in the chest. "HyaaWAHH!"

Your forceful buck only succeeded in pushing yourself forward and making you fall on your face. He was as steady as a boulder. "Ngh!...always the head...always the face.."

Pinkie hopped onto the ring and started counting "1.....2......3.......4......5.....6"

You slowly get up, not due to being hurt. But feeling some humiliation in the countdown being caused by you pushing off of him.

“Nonny is back up, I'm not really sure what caused him to go down. But He's back up! Ready to put the smackdown on Big Mac! But Big Mac stands tall. Ready for anything Nonny dishes out!"

Ready huh? Maybe he was just used to being hit like a pony. Maybe you just had to hit him like a human. Humans did dominant the horses after all. A rising punch to the chin, that should do it.

"HYYYAHH!" You rush up to right under Big Mac's muzzle, and kick off with your backlegs, extending your right front hoof. "SHORYUKEN!"

Even if it wasn't the real dragon rising punch. You felt nerdy enough to try it anyway. And, it was still should be a hard hit under the jaw. That should do it. Your hoof connects right at it's mark. Hell, for a split second while you’re in the air. You can see Big Mac's head move up with your hoof. You got him! He wasn't expecting that.

You land back on your hooves, facing the opposite direction. Facing your team coaches.
You smile in confidence. "Did you all see that? Pretty good huh?"

"Errr, Anon?" Scootaloo didn't share in your enthusiasm "You might wanna look behind you"


You look back, Big Mac was perfectly fine. He was giving his jaw a gentle rub. Then stood back in his position.

Scootaloo looked to her fellow fillies "Wasn't Anon supposed to win this fight?"

Sweetie Belle didn't seem to sure "I thought he would, but it wouldn't get him his cutie mark if he just let him win. But I kinda thought Anon was stronger than this"

"M-maybe he's just having an off day" Diamond Tiara was worried

"Maybe he was never that strong to begin with" Said Silver Spoon, losing hope in you by the second. Her fellow fillies again, looked at her with disdain. "W-what? It's just a theory"

Now you were getting angry. You could feel some of your pride shatter. You didn't even phase him. You wanted to at least knock him off balance. But, you still had one more ace in the hole. "That's it! Let's see how you like a little head to head face time!"

Big Mac just shrugged.

Shrug at you will he? WILL HE!? It's time for your ultimate attack. You charge at Big Mac as fast as you can, you make a heralding jump, and try smashing your face right with his. To you, it felt like the world was shattering right there and then.

"What a hit! Nonny bravely defies his opponent's sturdy form and smashes his head right into Big Mac's face!"

It felt almost atomic. You bounce backwards and land on your back. But before Pinkie could start a count. The sheer determination that filled you helps you get up to look upon your handiwork. "Ngh. How'd you like tha-WHAT?!"

Big Mac had only taken a step back. His nose was bobbing a little bit. And then he sneezed, and then went back to his original position. He was perfectly fine, even after that! He was ok. Meanwhile you started to feel a little tuckered out.

"Looks like Nonny is gonna have to try something else if he wants to bring down Big Mac"

What else was there to try that wouldn't make you look like a jackass. No fuck it. You enter a berserker state and try hitting Big Mac with various blows. You even manage to climb on his back and start jumping and stomping on it.

"Uh oh! Nonny is really mad now! He's giving Big Mac all he's got!"

You could hear your team cheering you on, You could even hear Lyra cheering you on. That's it! Go for a focused stomp! You jump off his back and try slamming all four hooves right into the center of his back. With that Big Mac flinches, making you lose just enough balance for you to quickly jump off and turn around.

Big Mac was stretching, he looked like he actually felt something from that as he grimaced a little. Finally! You take a quick breath, then rush at him again. But the moment you do, he does something unexpected… by actually doing something.

He outstretches his front right hoof and stops you just like you stopped Snips.

"Woah, Big Mac is finally doing something. He stopped Nonny right in his tracks! What is he planning to do?!"

You weren't a fool, you just push off and try to make a side attack. You thought he was gonna hit you. But instead, as you revved up for a jump punch to the side of his face. He was just giving himself a stretch, and then. You heard a pop in his back.

"There we go". Was all he had to say.

No time to question it. You wouldn't let yourself react. No. You rushed up, jumped and tried slamming your right hoof right into the side of his face. But, he moved. He actually moved. He dodged it! HE DODGED IT?!

"Wow! And Big Mac finally becomes active as he dodges one of Nonny's jump attacks. We might be getting a real fight on our hooves!"

Oh no he doesn't.

You begin another flurry of strikes and attacks. But this time, Big Mac starts dodging. And dodging ALMOST all of them. He was still a pretty big target. But the hits you did hit him with. Did nothing to stop him.

"Our two combatants are really getting into the swing of things now! Or just Nonny really! But Big Mac does an awesome job of dodging and parrying all of Nonny's moves! This fight could be getting nuts at any time..Well it would if it wasn't for this!" Pinkie raises her hoof with the bell on it and taps it "It's the end of round 1! Everypony go get some food and drinks over at the concession stand while our fighters rest and recuperate!"

With that Pinkie rushes off behind the apple's tent and immediately comes out rolling a a concession stand. She… was also the vendor.

You put in a few more swings before realizing the bell was rung. Your teammates calling you back saying the round was over. You look at Big Mac. He looked perfectly fine. Meanwhile you were feeling tuckered out.

"You alright there?" Big Mac actually looked at you with concern. "I hope I didn't hurt you none, I was just trying to stay out of your way"

No, you didn't feel like being too pleasant right now. Whether he meant it or not. He was making you look the fool. You sigh, both from being tired and feeling weak. And begin to enter a less determined and depressive mood. "Whatever, it's fine"

Big Mac just murmured to himself as you walked passed him back to your corner. He seemed worried about you. You didn't know what of. Nor did you care. You felt like you were a pussy. All this hype around you beating two stallions. Hell, maybe you believed it a little yourself. And now, you couldn't even beat one. You got caught up in your own lie.
You lay on your belly at your corner and put your head on your saddle bag.

"Anon, what was that? You didn't even knock him down once!" Scootaloo exclaimed, surprised at the outcome of the round.

"Maybe Big Mac is just too big? Did you see Anon out there? He was hitting him everywhere. And that spinning jump move looked like it'd really hurt." Sweetie Belle said, sounds like she made observations.

"He IS a lot bigger than those two goons. " Diamond Tiara noticed you were looking pretty down. "Anon, don't feel bad. Maybe you just need to think of another way to beat him."

You huff. "What's the point? I've tried everything and I can't even scratch him."

"Should we throw in the towel for you?" Silver Spoon asked you. And once again, she is looked at by the other three.

"Hey come on, this is serious this time. Look at him. I don't think Anon wants to do this anymore. None of you even asked if he was ok" Silver Spoon then looked to you "Are you ok Anon? Do you want to keep going?"

Ha, Silver Spoon was being the only sensible one. Probably either because she sees that you can't win. Or she sees that you are getting tuckered out and losing motivation. Or both.

"It's only round 1, I at least want one more round with him. I'm sure I'm missing something." You didn't want to call it quits just yet. One of the rules of video gaming was to learn the enemy patterns. Big Mac had to have some sort of weakness. No, you couldn't call it quits yet. Not until you were sure. "...so..anypony got any tips?"

They all shook their head. Some team. Full of advice.

You groan and snuggle onto your saddlebag. Not like it was cuddly though. It was full of bits and stuff.

"Come on Anon, I'm sure you could do it! It's only the first round!" Diamond Tiara tried to pep you up.

"Maybe we need a new angle? what if Anon struck down from up high?" Sweetie Belle suggested.

Scootaloo shook her head "That won't work. Anon isn't a pegasus pony"

Sweetie Belle pointed to the corner posts "Well I meant Anon using the corners of the ring to get the drop on him."

Silver Spoon shook her head "Probably won't do anything. Anon doesn't look too heavy, he'd have to really be big to do any real damage. Or strong enough to add to the force of dropping on Big Mac. I dunno girls. We really need to come up with something. Or Anon won't win."

She was right. But you, nor them could come up with any way to win. It seemed pretty hopeless.
If only you had something. Just something that could give you an edge. And as you thought this, the chunky feeling of your saddlebag became more apparent.
And as you looked at your saddle bag. You began to realize. Maybe you did have that edge all along. The horn.

You look back at the fillies who were on your side, you look at their faces. They looked like they really wanted you to bust out a win. Not like the horn would be noticed. You could take it off. Or it'd pop of after you use it. All you had to do was give yourself a boost.

"Girls, I'm gonna go to the tent to get some thinking done. Just… a little alone time. I'll be out in a moment."

"Are you ok Anon?" Diamond asked

You nodded as you took up your saddle bag. "Yeah, just need a little thinking time is all. Just give me a moment." And so, you hopped out of the ring and went into the tent.

You looked back, to make sure you weren't followed. And then pull out the horn. You gazed at it. Almost hypnotically. Who would it hurt really? At this point, you could tell fighting wouldn't get your Cutie Mark. But then again, there was really nothing you'd be losing in this fight. None of them would think lesser of you for losing. The only one who'd probably get a kick out of it is Angel.

But you were losing so badly, it just felt humiliating that you were putting in so much effort and you couldn't even get him to go "ow". It wasn't wanting to win that drove you. It was the fact that you just wanted to at least be some sort of a challenge. You didn't want to seem like a goddamn wuss.

It'd be so easy.. Just use the horn. "Mmnn....." You couldn't do it. Even as your opponent. Big Mac, who you never even met. Was just trying to be a bro and help you get your cutie mark. You knew it wasn't going to happen. Even if some of your friends were gonna be let down. This wasn't your shtick. Poor Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle. Looks like they were going to be doing farmwork for a month for nothing.

You sigh. "Get over it Anon, fighting isn't your thing."

You look at the horn before putting it away "Nah, you know. Maybe Discord's right. I seem to be pretty good at causing chaos. Too bad it doesn't seem to matter who I cause it to. I don't want to cause any good guys to have a bad time. I just wanna mess with villains. Queen Chrysalis probably won't be happening any time soon. Not with that whole battle thing. Tirek is already back in his hellhole, so that's a bust." Then a thought crosses your mind. "Messing with Twilight is, yeah, I admit. It's a little fun".

You chuckle and remember there's also Celestia. You remembered being scared of her wrath before. But just like the show. She seemed pretty based. Maybe it would be fun to successfully prank her.

And then there’s Discord. For all the hell he gives you. One good prank… oh ho… how'd you'd so love to get him so badly.

With the right use of the horn. He may have given you a way to do it too. You'd just have to figure out how'd to do it with just one charge a day. "Yeah, let's just get this over with. Just get on with the day."

You put the horn away. You would meet Big Mac head on with brighter spirits. If you lost, you lost. You weren't some prideful kid. You were a logical adult. And it was obvious this body wasn't suited for combat. At least not yet. And even then. If you wanted to, you could kick just about anyone's ass with the horn. So everything was a done deal anyway.

You even laugh a little as you come out of the tent. "It'd be really funny if chaos was my cutie mark. Ha. Nah, that probably won't happen."

You wave to the girls, who asked you again. If you were ok. You nod to them. "Yep, let's just get round two over with."

You'd give it one last shot. For fun. And if you somehow won. Then woopee for you. And if you lost. No big deal. Just get on with your day. Though with everyone here. You'd have to pick a certain group to go with when it was all over.

You climb into the ring, re energized with your more positive outlook. Ready to win or lose.

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