• Published 21st Oct 2017
  • 10,515 Views, 2,803 Comments

Dadonequus Discord (Book 1) - CrazedLaughter



Discord makes a deal with an anonymous human. The human gets to live a good life in Equestria. And Discord? he gets to have a son of his own. Of course, his only reason is to impress Fluttershy and annoy Twilight.

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Chapter 191 - Twilight Week Arc

Author's Note:

Tonight!
Anon gets dating 'advice'.
Twilight gets dating advice.
And Spoiled Rich is only slightly better than she originally was

You close your eyes. And suddenly you feel yourself spinning at a rate that makes you uncomfortable. But before you even feel sick, you suddenly stop and are gently put back on the ground. Your vision span for only a moment. What happened? "W-what was that all about?"

"Rarity, that's amazing. He looks completely....he's like...." Twilight couldn't come up with the words for what she was seeing.

"I-I gotta admit. I-I didn't expect him to look that good. H-how did you do that?" Sweetie Belle was reluctantly impressed. She didn't want to be upstaged. But whatever she was looking at must have been amazing.

Rarity just smirked as she circled you to admire her work. "It's simple really, he's small. Much smaller than your average colt. So I just dressed and groomed him like I would a doll. And viola, a colt fit to be a prince"

A colt fit to be a prince? What exactly did she do? "Can I get a mirror please? Miss Rarity?"

"Why of course Anon" Rarity floats a mirror towards you to look into "After looking in this mirror, you're guaranteed to feel as good as you look." Rarity felt a child like giddiness in her. She just wanted to see you be proud of how good you look. She wanted you to be happy with the work she had done for you.

And when the mirror comes to a point that you could look at your reflection, your eyes widen. "Woah..." You looked.....totally fuckable in your tux. And your mane, it was adorable. It was combed back, with each strand of hair was next to each other in a uniformed yet stunning way. You looked like you could mingle with the rich class. You even had a flower in your lapel. "Miss Rarity...this is amazing. I look...wow...is that even me?"

Rarity giggled, she was so happy with the reaction she got from you "Why of course darling, that is indeed you. The best looking you you can possibly be."

You tapped the little red flower. Then tapped your bow tie. It was all real. Holy shit. Why did you even need Sweetie Belle's help again? Diamond Tiara already had unconditional love for you. This would just floor her instantly. You gave yourself a spin to look at yourself all around. Absolute perfection. "I think I'm ready already. There's no way Diamond Tiara is going to resist this."

Sweetie Belle cleared her throat in a loud manner to get your attention, then the moment you look over to her, she says in an annoyed fashion "...Excceeepptt you're not ready. Just because you look really good doesn't mean you're gonna act really good. But that's ok, that's what I'm here for." She points to herself with a proud smile.

...Ergh. At this point, you didn't really need Sweetie Belle. You knew you could do this. "Sweetie Belle...I...erm..."

"Nope" She cuts you off. "You heard Princess Cadance, you can't just try to get out of this now"

Twilight nods, as does Rarity. Seems Rarity must have been told the full details and told them to Twilight as you spoke to Sweetie Belle. "She's right Anon. If my sister-in-law has something to say when it comes to love. Then you probably should listen."

"I hate to say it Anon, but I'm going to have to agree. I've never seen you act in the way I was told. But if the Princess has something to say about it. Then it might be best to just to do what she...and my sister says."

Sweetie Belle nods "See? Even my sister agrees"

Course Sweetie Belle would be agreeable with Rarity if Rarity actually agreed with her on something. Otherwise she'd go right back to being frustrated. Furthermore, you weren't going to win 3 vs 1 on this. "Ok...alright… So...Sweetie Belle, what should we do first then?"

"Well, first we have to work on your attitude. You need to be positive, polite, and....erm..." Sweetie Belle looked to her sister for help "Umm, Rarity. What's the last "P"?"

"Punctual, dear, the word you're looking for is punctual." Well, Rarity was actually sticking to her assistant role well. She hasn't overstepped aside from getting you dressed up. And while Sweetie Belle still seemed a little on edge about it. Rarity seemed absolutely fine, and most likely ignorant to her sister's feelings.

"Right, punctual. You gotta be punctual too. So we're gonna have to start right from the beginning. In fact, the only way TO get you doing this right is if I act like Diamond Tiara. All you gotta do is be...well...yourself...but not as rude."

Wut? Was she serious? Besides the fact that you felt uncomfy being any kinds of romantic towards her. Something about her being Diamond Tiara irked you. Something from a faint memory having to do with something...sex? Nah. "Sweetie Belle...I don't really feel too comfortable about that. Isn't there another way?"

"Nope, It's not like we're going on date anyway Anon, I just want you to ask me out to one to see how you'd do. And then we'll work it out from there. Now...get ready...get set...and GO!"

.......ok then. "Errr..Sweetie Belle"

Sweetie Belle shook her head and then looked at you with adorably annoyed green eyes. "’Diamond Tiara', Anon, ‘Diamond Tiara’"

...You sigh..fine.... You open your mouth, but you don't sound too enthusiastic in your words. Although you do try. "Diamond T-"

"No Anon, not like that" Sweetie Belle says, already unimpressed with your supposed poor performance.

Ok, now you started to get annoyed yourself. "Then how? I don't even usually get a chance to greet her first. She's always hugging onto me the moment she sees me."

"Awwww, that's adorable! It's just as I told Fluttershy. Sir Anon is the knight that rescued his princess from yonder castle of brutish unicorn vagrants. It's like something out of a fairy tale" Rarity more directed her words to Twilight. Who she herself started to assess the issue. In which she could not draw any conclusions other than you were kind of adorable yet needing of an attitude adjustment in some way. She wasn't too good in the issues with love.

Sweetie Belle was too focused to make a comment on it. She wanted to do this so badly. You didn't know why she wanted the prestige so bad. She had her cutie mark. What more could she want? "Anon, try harder. Try nicer. I know you can do it. Really sell it to me."

Polite, nicer....Gentlecoltish. If that's what she wanted, surely you could manage, if only to get this out of the way. All you had to do was pretend she was Diamond Tiara and things should go fine. Though having two onlookers didn't help either.

You made a small bow and gave Sweetie Belle a pleasant smile "Good afternoon my dear Diamond Tiara, how are you? Doing well I hope" You make a small bow, you eye Rarity for a moment. Seemed she approved.

Then you look back to Sweetie Belle. Who didn't seem too impressed yet. "I'm doing well Anon, what are you here for?" Sweetie Belle wasn't even smiling. If she was going to do this. She should at least smile.....Diamond would smile.

"Well, I've come to ask you out on a date."

Sweetie Belle smacks her own face with her hoof in disappointment "Stop stop stop, that's all wrong!"

How could it be wrong? That'd definitely work.

"Wrong? What's wrong with it? It'd definitely work"

"Yeah....maybe" Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes at you "But you have to really MEAN it, put some body motion into it. Be more sincere. Make it sound like it's the last thing you'll ever do"

That all sounded.....terrible. "I...don't think that's the way to do it. Why can't it be simple?"

Sweetie Belle groans at you, you seem to be missing some sort of point. "Because this would be her and YOUR first date. You gotta make it really count....mnnnn..." Sweetie Belle started to bob her eyes up and down to examine you. "And to make it count. Maybe you should be...well...cute about it. Cute yet....dashing! Yeah that's it! Cutely dashing! That'll work for sure."

Cutely....dashing? "Uhhhh...what do you mean by that?"

"I er...I don't know how to explain it...erm..." Sweetie Belle looked to her sister. "Ummm.. Rarity.. can I get a little...help, please?" Sweetie Belle sounded more sincere that time. It seemed she wasn't as much as a master at this then she thought. But she was giving it her all.

"Of course...ahrm" Rarity cleared her throat "Anon, to be "Cutely Dashing" in your approach. All you need to do is stand valiantly, a little to your side if one were to be facing you, then raise your leg like this." Rarity raises her right foreleg up to a bend. almost to her chin. "Then give her an inviting yet modest smile. As if you had confidence, and yet were a little unsure. Trust me darling, she'll melt like butter"

"Yeah...so do that thing. And I'll...actually. Ermm.." Sweetie Belle looks for help again. "Twilight, Rarity...you don't mind helping me judge his style. Do you?"

"Of course not, I'm not very good at judging "Style". But I'll do my best" Twilight says, ready to help the little marshmallow horse

"Given I'm your assistant, dear. Of course I'm obligated to say yes. And I will give my best judgement on the matter. So Anon, please give it your best."

...right...ok....cutely dashing. "..ok..here..I...Go!"

You jump and raise your foreleg up, give an unsure yet "trying to be" confident smile. "Diamond Tiara, would you like to go on a date with me, please?"

Sweetie Belle smacks her hoof to her face. "Ugh...that "please" was terrible"

Rarity herself cringed at the "please". "Indeed, I'm sorry Anon, but I'll have to agree with my sister. The "please" was a tad too much. It makes you sound desperate"

Twilight however looked to the other two marshmallows and shook her head "I disagree, I think it was polite"

Welp....Twilight's opinion is auto tossed out.

"Twilight, sweetie....you never ask a lady "please" in regards of asking them out. Not only does it make you sound desperate, but it also makes you sound, and I mean no disrespect, well.....pathetic" Oh damn, that did sound harsh coming from her.

Sweetie Belle nodded "Agreed, Anon, keep everything you just did. But just don't say "please". Got it?"

Well..if Rarity and Sweetie Belle said so… You nod. "Ok, got it"

"Wait, hold on" Twilight interrupted "Saying "please" is fundamental to being polite to any question you have to ask. How is it pathetic and desperate?"

"Twilight, I know your not well vested in the ways romance. But how would you feel if a stallion came up to you and begged you for a date?" Rarity asked, a little perturbed at her friend's reasoning.

"I.....I would...well it depends on so many factors" Twilight seemed rather nervous answering the question. Her dating newb was showing. "You know, do I know the stallion? Is he smart? Does he have a good heart? Erm....I mean...yes? Yes..." Twilight nods a confident nod. "I would definitely give a stallion a chance if they said please. Granted I know them already"

Rarity looked dumbfounded, that was probably the worse answer she ever heard. Worse than anything even you can give "I see...Twilight, when this is over. You and me simply must have a chat about the ins and outs of stallions and mares."

As Twilight and Rarity have a little chat, Twilight now going on about what's so bad about her reasoning. Sweetie Belle continues with you the ways of wooing. "Ok Anon, next, we're going to work on what you'll talk about with Diamond Tiara. And the answer to that is actually simple. Talk about what she likes the most. You can talk about other things later. But she'll like you a lot more if you talk about what she likes."

Huh...that makes sense. Of course it made sense, women from your world were the same. "Yeah, I got that I think."

"Good...now...what does she like?" Sweetie Belle asks.

.......oh shit...that's a good question. ".....uhhhh....erm."

Sweetie Belle grimaced at your response, she didn't like where this was going. "Anon...please tell me you know something that she likes."

Fuck...it's usually mostly her being infatuated....wait..hold on. "Wait! waitwaitwait! She likes princesses."

"And what do you know about princesses?"

"I think I know enough. I've been around the four alicorn princesses after all. So I think I'm good on that."

"Well...maybe. But that doesn't sound like something that would net you a win...hrnn...give me a second" Sweetie Belle stepped back to Rarity's seat. She seemed to be rustling something up from behind it.

Meanwhile, you were wondering why you couldn't just go in and do whatever. She already loved you. It was going to be super easy to just take her out somewhere. Whatever, just get past this and go set up the date. There was nothing Sweetie Belle was offering that would help you in this endeavor. And fighting her on it would only make things more annoying.

Sweetie Belle came back from behind the chair, a box of chocolates in her mouth as a bouquet of roses floated above her, held by her magic. The box was in the shape of a heart.

The fuck was all this? She wasn't going to suddenly...wait no..that wouldn't make sense. She puts the box and bouquet gently on the cutie map table and turns towards you. The look on her face was of "Boy, I hope this can help him". You didn't know how to describe it really.

"Here Anon, this should get you in with Diamond Tiara, and I mean big time."

Ohhhh....so that was it..

You walk over to the box and bouquet. The roses looked fresh, and were of a deep red color and a lovely deep scent. The box of chocolates. It...did not look cheap. "Sweetie Belle, where did you get these?"

"I got them from Canterlot..well..an express delivery really. Rarity helped me with the order. But I paid with the bits. And..erm..don't worry about the cost. I just thought you'd probably need them since..well..you're kind of bad at this whole "dating" thing."

You didn't know whether to thank her or smack her. How could she call you bad when you haven't even dated yet? That's some ridiculous clairvoyance she seems to have. But from her words..it seemed these two items were really expensive. And a box of chocolates and roses? That's classic. That'd definitely win Diamond over. You didn't even think about bringing her gifts. "...thank you Sweetie Belle, I don't know what to say."

"Well, don't be like...wait" Sweetie Belle's ears perk up "Did you say "thank you"?"

You turn to her and nod. "Yeah, I didn't even think about giving her any gifts. And I know girls like gifts...right?"

Sweetie Belle was in awe that you actually gave her a "thank you". "Y-yeah, girls actually really like that. Anon, that's how you gotta be by the way. You have to be polite like that. Do you think you could keep that up?"

What...being thankful?..or..err. "...keep what up?"

Sweetie Belle groans "Well...we were close. Look, Anon. All you have to be is a nice colt. But with a sense of intrigue. Be modest at the start, be cutely daring when you ask her. And don't… DON'T..whatever you do, EVER act like you're better than her. Girls...HATE...that. Got it? Anon, I mean don't try to fight her on anything unless she tries to pay for something. Then fight to pay for her...but don't actually fight her. Physical fighting is bad. You got all that?"

Errrr...given you had forgotten to even bring a gift. Maybe all of that should be something you should keep in mind. Sweetie Belle was a filly, like Diamond Tiara. So there was...by chance...some truth to her words. As who else but a filly know how to be wooed?

You nod. "Yeah, I think I got it. And..." You wanted to give it a shot right now, right here. Polite, punctual, and whatever that other one was. "I thank you Sweetie Belle, from the bottom of my heart." You bow to her. "You are truly an amazing teacher"

Sweetie Belle blushed a little. Given Rarity's makeover on you. And how adorable you looked being thankful AND bowing. It caught her by surprise. "Oh...erm...well...you're welcome Anon. Just...mnn.."

Sweetie Belle gave you a gentle smile. "Just do me proud ok? Just tell me the results when you get back. You have a time in mind for the date right?"

Hrnnnn… "I guess later today. Maybe even tonight if I can get her mom to agree. Night is the time of being romantic and all that, right?"

Sweetie Belle nods profusely, being both proud of you and proud of her "handiwork". "Right, yes! perfect! Wow Anon, you're really getting it now. Good thing I was here to fix you up, huh?"

Well...most of her help anyway. "Yeah, thanks Sweetie Belle"

Sweetie Belle already begins to put the box of chocolates in your saddle bag. But not the bouquet. "Don't mention it. Here Anon, open your mouth"

"Hu-gDGSDRGFS" She stuffs one end of the bouquet into your mouth for you to hold.

"Don't drop it! ok? And don't worry about thorns. These came clipped. Now get out there, and get that date!"

You nearly swallowed the end of the damn thing. Fuck..goddammit. Why'd she have to do that so suddenly? You gave her a quick angry look before adjusting the bouquet the best you could with your teeth so that you could hold it on it's side in your mouth. After that, you nod. and start to get determined. It was time....holy shit...it was fucking time....oh god...don't blow it...ogh...

Sweetie Belle leads you out of the castle, Twilight still trying to defend herself from the fact that she didn't seem to really have a good idea or handle on dating. "Good luck Anon, really. I'm rooting for you. Go and make me proud!"

You turn and nod a single nod, with determined eyes and muffled voice. You head off to Diamond Tiara's home....Remember.....cutely dashing.

You manage to reach Diamond Tiara's home in your dash over. Hell yeah, finally...FINALLY. Wait..why were you this excited? Well...maybe because her company was...erm...well..cute..and stuff.

You look around. Hrmmm...how were you going to speak with this thing in your mouth? As you look at the bouquet itself. You notice something very alarming. Enough to make you shake and freakout.

It seems in your dash to reach your destination. The roses had become damaged and the petals, most of them, had fallen. You weren't being careful at all. You spit out the bouquet and immediately start to curse yourself. "Goddammit! GODDAMMIT! What happened?! How the fuck could I be so fucking stupid? Of course running with this thing in my mouth would fuck it...wait..WAIT..."

Solutions already started to dart through your head. "Ok Anon, calm down. You still have the chocolates..that's good. Maybe if I...no no..I can't waste the horn. I could..Oh man, I could use that to really impress her. Ok ok...wait..." You slowly peer around..and say in a small, quiet voice.. "Discord?"

No reply

...You haven't seen him in awhile. You started to miss him. You wondered what he was up to...well...as long as he stayed away from you now and during the eventual date, it'd be fine.

Ok...the chocolates would have to do for now. You still had your charms..and...oh god...what did your mane look like?! You hadn't checked if Rarity's work still looked fine.

OK..OK.. Deeeeep breaths. Rarity is master, no way a simple run would ruin her work on your mane. Right? "Ok...let me...just..dammit..ok..No mirror..that's fine. Everything is ok..."

You knock on the door after taking a moment to breath......oh lordy. You stand at the ready. If it was Diamond, go for the kill. If it was a maid or even the butler. Modesty and cuteness.

Actually, you wondered if Mr.Rich was back home yet. That guy was pretty dudebro. And he'd probably be happy for you to be dating Diamond and......oh shit. The door opened, and...it wasn't any of them. It was...Spoiled Rich.

Now, despite the fact she was "Reformed". It didn't seem to stop her from giving you a disdainful look the moment she laid eyes on you. "...hrn..."

Erm..

You step back slowly, you tried not to act nervous. But the way she towered over you. With that disapproval in her eyes. "Good a-afternoon Mrs.Rich. C-can I come in?"

She was looking at you, judging you, assessing the situation. "Anon....please tell me you're not dressed like that for some sort of special event..an event having to do with my daughter..."

The way she said that. Was she worried? You couldn't tell. There was almost a grinding to those words. As if this was already the wrong move. You chuckle nervously. Because that's exactly what it was. "Well, erm..it's funny you should say that. I actually came to...well...ask your daughter, Diamond Tiara...erm...well..can I tell you about it inside?"

She shook her head "No, because if I don't like what I hear. Then you're not putting a single hoof in my home. You're already lucky that you're this far. Now stop cowering and tell me exactly what you're here for. I hate it when ponies cower at me for no reason. Makes them suspicious...as if they want something from me"

Good lord, was she even going to like what you had to say? Was she?! Well..you can't lie, because she'd notice that her daughter was out. And you don't think you could charm her. So..just be..less meek and to the point. Because it seemed everything had just reverted back to zero between you and her. "Mrs.Rich, I just want to let you know that I'm here with the best intentions. For you see.....you see..erm...I've...come to ask..." You were having trouble getting the words out.

"...To ask....what exactly?" She says in a harsher, inquisitive tone.

.....shit....ok..just..let it go… "I've come...to ask......your daughter out...on a...date? ehehe....heh..."

Welp, she didn't react. Her face didn't twist to that of raw anger or disgust. She just...stood there for a moment or two.

Finally, she sighed, a sigh of pure disappointment. "Oh Celestia...it's already happening. You couldn't have waited a few years? Preferably ten?" She puts her hoof slowly to her head. She then closes her eyes and shakes her head, she did not see this coming. Nor did she like it....yet..she wasn't actually contesting it.

"Well, I...just. I just thought it'd be nice to take her out, and show her a good time. So she knows somepony is there for her when she needs them.."

"She has a best friend that fills that role, she's here right now." She says in a "matter of fact" sort of way, A cold way.

Ugh....come on. Why did she have to be this way? You just wanted to get this over with. It was getting harder to breath already. "Mrs.Rich, I just. I kind of like her and-"

"Yes..Yes" Spoiled Rich says with an exasperated sigh "I'm aware, we had a talk about this. No need to state the known. It's just a waste of time. I can't believe this...ugh" God...it was like....actually killing her. You could see the pained expression as she steps aside to let you in. "Come in, and for Celestia's sake, do something about that mane of yours. I don't understand how you can be in such high quality wear and yet not even bother with your mane."

Ugh, great. Your mane was fucked up. Also, it seems Silver Spoon was here with Diamond. But they both must be upstairs. You step inside and walk into the main room, Spoiled Rich close behind, already motioning maids to descend upon you while you weren't noticing.

"His mane...fix it" Spoiled let's out all of a sudden

"My..wHEYAAAHHH!" Suddenly, you had a maids using their sides to hold you in place as another with a brush in her mouth starts to go at your mane like some sort of mad slasher. Ugh, your mane felt like it was being pulled and pulverized. you yelped and whined. But it didn't do any good at stopping the assault.

And just as suddenly as they came, they left the moment Spoiled Rich motioned them away.

Spoiled Rich looks you over. Your mane must have been alright now. "Much better....hrn. So Anon, now that that's over with, would you mind telling me EXACTLY what you plan to do?"

Ugh, she couldn't even give you a second to recover? That maid assault wasn't pleasant. Even if the maids themselves were hot.

Spoiled Rich steps up to you with a stomp in her step. She demanded an answer with just her movements. Her eyes looked down at you, as if you were an insect. "Well?"

That snaps you into it. You step back, you actually felt frightened. Goddammit, was she reformed or not? You didn't even have exact plans yet. "I...like I said. I..just want to show her a good time. I didn't really plan anything out. But I'm sure I can figure it out before we actually start the date...which..erm...is it poss-"

"You want to know if it'd be ok. And what time to have her back. Hrnn...of course.." Spoiled Rich could already tell what you were going to ask. She cuts you off as she turns away from you and looks up the stairs. "Anon, we are not your typical family. The night is just as important as the day to us. So if you want to know when to have her back. That would be at your discretion"

...Woah..wut? "Really?" That surprised you too much to keep you in your nervousness....the hell?

Spoiled Rich nods "Yes, you could bring her back the next morning if you'd like."

WUT?! ".....ummm...are you...is that a joke? Are you joking?" Was she trying to be funny?

She shakes her head as she turns back to you "It's no joke. I mean what I say. My daughter deserves the best, even if it'd take longer than expected. And of course, since I expect the best. You should know that there will be consequences should she return less than satisfied"

....Ohhhh...geez. Oh fuck. What did you get yourself into? Less than satisfied? Wait..wait no no...you could handle that..right? Diamond adored you. You just needed a little more info.

You steadied yourself. You had to. "Can you elaborate, please?"

"It's just as I said. If she comes back and is not happy. Then you won't be happy. You have the honor of being allowed to date my biggest treasure. But, like anything important, it has to be treated like a business. And in this business, there is a verbal contract to it. I want my little filly to be happy. I expect you to make her happy. And if you can't do that...well....we'll leave it at that. Don't think of it as me being harsh. I'm actually letting you have an opportunity many would never have. And..."

Again, Spoiled Rich grimaces, then looks upwards in a way that suggests she felt she was losing her mind "To think, I've become this soft to let this colt even near her. I hope I'm not putting on the years...I don't think even a day at the spa could clear my head this time"

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