• Published 21st Oct 2017
  • 10,241 Views, 2,757 Comments

Dadonequus Discord (Book 1) - CrazedLaughter



Discord makes a deal with an anonymous human. The human gets to live a good life in Equestria. And Discord? he gets to have a son of his own. Of course, his only reason is to impress Fluttershy and annoy Twilight.

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Chapter 31

Without hesitation. Discord teleports you both to the front of Fluttershy's cottage. He had such a big smile on his face, it made him look adorable. Seeing him this happy forced a smile out of you as well. It was just so nice to see.

He slithered hastily through the air right to the front door and knocked "Fluttershy! oohhhh Fluttershy! I have big news!"

You chuckle and walk up to his side
"looking pretty happy there Discord. You're not going to explode on us when she opens that door are you?"

Discord was bouncy, happy and mirthful "Of course not! I'll just be happy to know that Fluttershy will see just how great I was to get a full pass from Twilight Sparkle herself."

You sigh from his wording
"Can't you just say you are happy because Fluttershy will be happy? Because I think that's the truth of it. I'm not ignorant Discord, I know what's up"

Discord's disposition changes to that of his usual pompous demeanor "Anon, Don't try to understand the way I think or why I do the things I do...you just might go mad trying to figure it out"

You roll your eyes and smile
"Uh huh, whatever you say Discord"

Discord doesn't answer back though, it seems his attention was already pulled away back to the door...or rather...the fact the door hasn't opened "...odd..."

He knocked again, and yelled "FLUTTERSHY! IT'S YOUR BEST FRIEND IN ANY DIMENSION EVER! DIIISSCCOOORRRDD!"

"Maybe she isn't home?"

"Pffft, of course she's home. It's still too early to be anywhere else...hrnnnnn.."

"I dunno man, Fluttershy isn't the type to kee-...oh no...don't do that..."

Before you can finish your sentence, Discord pulls out a gigantic megaphone from thin air. It was huge, and had more megaphones attached to it.
"Oh shit! DISCORD...GAHHH HIT THE DECK!"

You hop away as quick as you can and pull your fluffy ears down before he gets a chance to yell into it.
"FLUTTTERSHY, DON'T KEEP ME HERE ALL DAY! I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE! DON'T YOU WANT TO HEAR THE GOOD NEWS?!"

oh shit, you could still hear it blasting in your ears as the ground vibrates violently, trees around you lose some of their leaves as they float up. Birds fly frantically away, your vision vibrates with the ground.

"FLUTTTTTTTEERRRSHHHHHHYYY!" Discord yells again

She wasn't home! SHE WASN'T HOME! DAMMIT WHY WAS HE SO RETARDED SOMETIMES!

You had to act, when everything settled down and he took a breath. You immediately and almost drunkenly turned and jumped to his tail and bit it hard. You couldn't hear anything but a ringing in your ear at this point. You hoped you weren't too late.

Discord didn't yelp in pain, but he did stop and moved his tail to his front. You were biting hard enough to hang from it when he lifted it high. "Anon, now's not the time to be hanging around. I'm trying to get Fluttershy out here!"

You couldn't hear him. You thought he still would be yelling.

Discord noticed you not replying or coming off his tail. He quickly and near instantly stabs his talon finger through your right ear as it pops out the left. He just as instantly pulls out as well.

You yelp from a quick sting of pain as you plop down to the ground, again, hitting your head. as you rub your head, you notice the ringing in your ear is gone and you can hear again.

"Anon, what are you doing biting my tail when you could be helping me bring out Fluttershy?!"

You stand up, and nearly trip again. You were still very disoriented
"Dammit Discord...egh...Can't you see she isn't home?! ugh.. everything is so blurry"
You fall over, losing your balance.

Discord chuckles "As I said, it's still early. She should be....hrn?"
Discord notices a paper on the ground, it had tape on it. It seems it may have been attached to the door at some point. It was a note "Hrnn..." Discord reads it out loud "To whom it may concern, I'm sorry I'm not home today. I will be out doing errands for Twilight for the upcoming festival. Please don't wait as I will be out all day. I'm sorry for the trouble. Fluttershy...P.S:..I'm sorry"

Discord howls with laughter as he puts his paw on his forehead. "HAHAHAHAHA! I feel so foolish. Look Anon, she wasn't home after all. Don't you feel silly?"

You turn towards...something, still heavily disoriented
"I TOLD YOU SHE WASN'T HOME!"

Discord taps your back "Anon...I'm behind you"

what? huh? You focus your eyes...and see a creepy serpent
"OH SHIT! A SNAKE!"

You jump backwards in fright and into Discord's arms.

Discord just continues his mirthful laughter "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA ANON STOP, YOU'RE KILLING ME!"

He loses his grip on you as he falls backwards laughing. making you fall on your back.
"NGH!"



You lay there, hearing Discord's laughter as you submit to failure. The snake that scared you slithers up to you and looks at you. You just return it's stare.
"...you aren't even poisonous are you?"
The snake shook it's head
"......I wonder if this is how Warner Brothers characters feel when they make an ass out of themselves..."
The snake shrugged
"I guess you wouldn't know...well...let me ask...I didn't look that idiotic did I?"
The snake looks backwards and moves it's tail to make it look like the word "Yes"
You grumble
"....Who asked you anyway...?"

The Snake slithered away as Discord looked over you, "Anon, now is not the time to dawdle. We have to get you to the Rich estate!"

You just blink
"Isn't it too early for that?....ugh.."
You slowly get up, you weren't angry or upset anymore, just grumpy. You were getting used to Discord's antics more and more everyday, the only ones that still got you were the more extreme ones,
you were still a little disoriented however.
"....And besides....we still have to discuss a plan...ngh...and I think I need some Pepto Bismol"

"Leave everything to me Anon, you just do what you normally do. Trust me, this will even the score"

You hold your head.
"I'm all for evening the score Discord. Really, I can't stand her. But I don't want to do anything too extreme. Nothing life ruining or anything like that."

"Hrn? But don't you hate her guts Anon? I am doing this on your behalf, you know? Just say the word and I can make everything a living nightmare! HAHAHA!"

you cringe
"No..no..look. Just something that for sure gets me out of this without her being locked in her room everyday scared to look in her own mirror. You can do that right?"

Discord nods, but he looks a little bummed "Yes, I suppose I could whip something up that wouldn't do anything like that. But you are severely hindering my creativity, I hope you realize that"

You nod
"I do, and it's for the best. Even if you are doing this for me. We can't go all "Evil Villain" with it...hrn...I can trust you with this right?"

Discord nods "But of course Anon, I'll make sure it doesn't reach that point. All you need to do is be your" He grabs your cheek and pulls enough for you to feel a tinge of pain "usual cute self"




You pull away
"ow!...hfmmm..mnnn.."
You sigh
"I...can do that. I trust you Discord. So please, please. keep your word."

"I just said I would didn't I? Relax Anon, you are suddenly turning into quite the party pooper."

You take offense to that
"Hey! I can be fun, heck. If you actually chose a villain..I dunno..Queen Chrysalis or something. I'd not only be all for it. But you could turn me into a giant spaghetti monster or something and let me ravage their hive before taking a huge meatball and noodle dump on it. Then we could watch as an army of italians show up to obliterate everything."

Discord already had a notepad in his hand, wearing glasses as he wrote down what you said , repeating it quietly "...army...of..Ita-...hrnn..Anon, I don't think I could do human Italians. It'd be too odd...how about some hippos instead?"

Wait..he was serious?
"Really?...we'd..uh...we could do that sometime?"

Discord giggled and nodded "Of course, I wouldn't be writing it down for later if we weren't, I think it's great. It just needs a little more flavor added to it and it could be perfect"

Wow...hey. That was cool of him. You relished the thought of hassling some changeling ass for shits and giggles without fear of retaliation.
"Well umm..we can work on it later I guess. We can make time I'm sure. I mean, we can work in some mwhahahaing and a little chat with her right?"

Discord gave you a sinister grin "oh Anon, I'm liking the way you think. Tell me, when you say a little chat...do you mean just lauding over the fact we are better than her?"

You grin at him...that's exactly what you were thinking.
"You know it...b-but, just because I want to do that to her doesn't mean to do it to Diamond Tiara...I mean it ok?"

Discord huffed "yes...yes..I heard you. I'll make sure to keep it at a level that should be acceptable to you....hrn...ahh yes"

Discord snapped his talons. Making your clothes disappear and replaces them with your saddle bag "You forgot this at home. And yes, the map is inside...and no your candy isn't."

Candy?...oohh...ohh dammit. You forgot about the candied sugar cubes.
"..oh right..no it's fine. They were in there awhile. I don't mind."

"Good. Now then...I wish you good luck Anon, I have to go prepare myself. This will be...well....A performance"




And with another snap of his talons. You found yourself in front of the Rich manor once more. This time, you were ready. She didn't have anything on you anymore now that the photos were gone. And if whatever Discord is planning does works. This would be the last day of this hell and on to actual fun things. You couldn't wait.

You walk up to the lavish front doors. And knock, preparing for Filthy Rich to open the doors.

He doesn't. Instead it's a sexy maid unicorn with a short but well groomed mane. unf...

"Oh...umm..hi...Is Filthy Rich home?"

"Ahh, you muzt be Anon. Mazter Rich iz not home. I azzume you wait for the young mistress, yez?""

unf...
"y-yeah"

Using her horn, she brings a feather duster over and brushes your face a little "I shall fetch her, but you should look more prezentable next time, you look az if you had fallen and not cleaned up"
....unf

"S-sorry. I guess..umm...things..."

The maid rolled her eyes and went back inside. You went back to regaining your composure. You were starting to think being younger had some effect on your thinking.

A few moments later. Diamond Tiara stepped out. She didn't look too pleased to see you.

"Something the matter?" You ask

"No, what would give you that idea? Considering you still have to do whatever I say, I'm actually very happy."

......hrn.
"So, the photos must have come out pretty good huh?"

You prevent yourself from smiling, especially when her face became even more displeased.

"O-of course they did. So you better watch yourself Anon."

HA!
You bow
"Whatever you say princess, I'm at your call"

there was a hint of arrogance in your words. She wouldn't do anything too extreme now that she didn't have the pictures. She could still cry, but you were sure you were ready for that this time, you wouldn't let yourself fall for any of her tricks. You kind of felt bad for Silver Spoon though, no doubt she must have been chewed out for her "Screw up". In any case, you'd just comply with that she'd say.

You noticed a small bag wrapped around her neck. It must have been another bag of bits.

"Today I feel like cupcakes. You will take me to Sugarcube Corner. No arguing. If you're good, I'll let you buy some."

you were good with that. You didn't really want Pinkie to see you with Diamond Tiara though. But at this point. things could go your way.
"Alright..let me just pull out my map here..."

You open your saddle bag and look at your map. It was a little ways away further from the ice cream shop. But you could get there.

Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes and stepped past you "I forget that you're still new. Follow me, I want to get there as quick as possible."

You shrug. and put the map back.

She didn't talk much along the way this time around. She must still be upset and figuring out what happened to the photos. The only thing she had to really say to you is to hurry you up.
You kept an eye out for anything out of place. a Portal, a Piano hanging from a rope, monsters. Anything Discord would do. You didn't want him to do any of what you were looking for. But you began to wonder how he was going to pull this off realistically without some zany execution. He may have had a sudden eagerness to protect you. But even he must still remember that for the sake of his own plan. Whatever he does has to be mild.

"Anon?...Anon!" Diamond Tiara calls to you.
You snap out of your small haze to look at her. She was pointing to an alley
"Pay more attention when I call to you. We are going down this alley. It is a shortcut to Sugarcube Corner."

She seemed to be waiting for you though for some reason instead of leading the way.
"ok? So let's go down it then"

"Moron! I'm not going in first. You are!"

"....why? I thought you wanted to get there as soon as possible"

Diamond Tiara sighed "Because Anon,it's an alley. Meaning it's probably filled with icky spiderwebs. You need to walk in first so you can get them all with your face"

you shrug. Whatever, it was no big deal.You'd only raise a fit if she caused you some trouble. Today, you'd just act cool until the moment was right.
"Whatever you say..."

You walk into the alleyway, there were a few spiderwebs about. But you just moved them away with your hoof. The alleyway was longer than you thought. a little dark too...huh.

Diamond Tiara stepped along a small distance behind you. Rushing you to move faster.




Instead, you stop. A rather large and burly stallion. orange furred,ruffled brown mane, and with a less than sunny disposition stepped forth from the front of the alley and stepped towards the both of you.
....shit

"Anon, what's the hold..hrn..hey! who is that?" Diamond said in an annoyed tone

You had no clue, and didn't want to find out.
"...I..don't know. Let's..head back out the way we came huh?"

"What? but we're almost there! Just tell him to move!"

Oh fuck no, the more the guy moved closer, the meaner and burlier he looked. You immediately turned around and began pushing Diamond Tiara the other direction.
"What are you doing?! Don't touch me with your hooves! They are gross!" Diamond barked

You take a quick look back, the pony just stood there. as if he was waiting.
"Listen. I don't know about you. But i'm not going to get wrecked because you want to be bossy. We are going the other wa....oh...no."

The other end was blocked as well. This time of a pony with similar colors. but His mane was slicked back, he was taller and skinnier, and had a surly smarmy smile.
He stepped closer to the both of you, eyeing you both "Well well Bedlam, lookit what we got here. ya guys lost or somethin'?"

the other pony, the bigger one, Bedlam then spoke. His speech, unlike the other's quick tongue, was slower and dumber. "heh..heh..ah thank thay are Calamity"

The one known as Calamity had a smile that became nearly evil "yah...I think yer right. Course, we fine stallions are willin to lead you in the right direction for...oh...that entire bag of bits there...whaddya say?"

....fucking....shit. they were thieves.
"You guys will leave us alone if we give it to you?" You ask with caution

Calamity nods "Sure, it'll be as if we were neve-..hrn?"

Diamond Tiara wasn't going to have none of this it seems. Much to your dismay. "Listen here cretin, I'm Diamond Tiara.You know,the daughter of Filthy Rich? If you don't move RIGHT NOW then we are going to have a problem."

......oh...goddammit....

Calamity looked down on her with a dark smile "rich guy's father huh?....yeah...that might work out a lot better. How would you like to be a hostage, sweetheart?"

Diamond Tiara didn't like those words, she became even angrier "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TELLING ME THAT?!"


You had to calm the situation somehow....already things were getting bad.
"Hey! hey! Let's not get hasty. Just take the bag, come on. We're just foals here. You don't want to kidnap foals do you? It'd look pretty bad"

Under your breath you were muttering for Discord to pop out and save the both of you. Shit was looking bleak.

Calamity gave you a gentle smile all of a sudden "You're right kid, it would look bad if we kidnapped some foals. That's why we'll be taking one of you, and you can be the nice one to rush all the way to her daddy and tell him we want...say....a million bits?

Bedlam nodded to that number.

....shhiiiiieeettt

Diamond Tiara had enough of this "That's it, I'm just going to yell and then you'll all be looking at the dungeon walls. Hope you like prison you losers!"

Diamond Tiara took a deep breath to scream. But the moment she tried. She suddenly found herself unable to talk. She then started to panic and cry muffled cries.
You look back and could see a small glow under Bedlam's ruffled mane.....shit...he was a unicorn...

"D-discord...you can pop out any time now..." You whispered worryingly
Nothing

Calamity held down the now shocked and frightened Diamond Tiara as Bedlam hovered a rope and a large box over to her to tie her up and throw her in.

Calamity then looks at you with a devilish grin "What are ya waitin for kid? Get a move on, We'll be done by the time anypony arrives."

....shit...you can see in Diamond Tiara's eyes that she was scared as fuck. And now you felt the urge to just get out of there. Why should you care? Things could end up ok in the end. You didn't like her. This could be it...
You take a step away from them...and stop. You had told Discord to not do anything extreme because you didn't want her to suffer. Now here you are about to abandon her and leave her alone in a for real situation.

Yeah no...you couldn't do that. The guilt was too great. And Discord wasn't showing up. If you tried to draw attention now, they'd probably silence you too. So that was out. You had to fight......shit...
You turn around and step closer to them. You were scared as shit. But...this was cartoon horse land. All you had to do was distract them enough to the point a deus ex machina happened..right?
"Hey..you two, let her go right now!"

They both stopped to look at you, Calamity, unamused by you. "What are ya doin' kid? Didn't I tell ya to get a move on?"

"shut the hell up!"
The time for holding back was over, you had to make yourself threatening.
"I'm going to kick the shit out of both of you so goddamn hard that their going to have to put tubes in you just so you can shit and piss!!!"

Calamity snickered "Oh ho...look at this Bedlam, this little colt thinks he's a big stallion like us. Ok kid, come on. I'll have a go at ya"

....shit...shit...that didn't work. They weren't the least bit scared or even shocked that you used curse words.

Calamity stepped up to you. that shit eating grin never leaving his face "Ok kid, let's see how good ya are at playin' hero."

fuck....maybe you should have ran....
You hesitate for a moment. And through that hesitation. Calamity smashes his hoof into your face. sending you into the wall.

......goddammit....t-that hurt...

Ok....ok..things were serious. You get back on your hooves and try just rushing him. theres no way he'd expect you to get up that quickly and bravely rush him. You had determination.

But sadly, he did expect you, the moment you try sending your right hoof into his face. He jumped backwards, turned, and bucked you straight up, turned again and slammed his front hoof onto your back as you fell back down.

Calamity started to mockingly laugh at you "HAHAHA, wow kid, you are the worst fighter I've ever seen. It's like you've only been a pony for a few days or somethin'.

Fuck....you were really hurting...for real...you were actually scared,

Calamity looked back at his partner "Bedlam, ain't you done yet?"

Bedlam said, in a low slow tone "..Almost Calamity....just..having trouble...tying...knots"

Calamity rolled his eyes at him "Come on Bedlam, yer a unicorn. Just use yer magic you clod!"

"...oh...right.." Bedlam realized.

But even with his magic, he was having trouble. Diamond Tiara was too terrified to try to escape however.
Calamity walked up to him, you weren't going anywhere so he felt he had the time.
You were hurting bad. "

Ya dumb dumb, look. I'll handle the filly, ya just get this colt to understand the kind of business were in, got it?" Calamity barked at his burly partner

Bedlam nodded, and started to step over to you as Calamity took his place.
....Oh..shit..NO..NO..NO...he was big, beefy, and stupid. He might fucking kill you!
You tried crawling away, but Bedlam pressed his hoof on your tail to prevent you from escaping.

"Should have listened...kid..nothing personal.." Bedlam said as he raised his hoof to slam into you.

..GODDAMMIT NO!

In panic and fear, you feel a flash of strength as you raise your hoof as slam it into Bedlam....right onto his nuts.
instantly the giant fell over like a fallen tree. His voice now high pitched and yelping in pain.

....o-oh..shit....right..
you didn't even realize that horses still had balls. You just instinctively kicked them like you would to any other person bigger than you back home.

Fuck yes....fuck yes...he was down...Woo!

In your excitement. You manage to get up. And in doing so, you take cheap shots and slam your hoof multiple times into Bedlam's crotch until he was barely moving. You were still aching, but adrenaline was blasting through you.

"Take that you motherfucker! Yeah. Gotcha! You asshole!"
As you chide and insult him. you feel a tapping on your back.
Oh shit.you almost forgot about him.
You turn around, at the ready. letting your new found energy flow through you.

Calamity smirked at you "Pretty cheap kid, I like it. Too bad that means I'm just gonna have to rough ya up even worse. Doesn't matter to me, ya can still get the message out from a hospital."

You tried to get a good eye and angle to hit his nuts. But the alley was too narrow to maneuver in.

"What's wrong kid? Can't get a good angle? Ya know...I'm a generous guy. I don't really want to rough ya up too bad without a better reason. So...I'll give ya a free shot. Or ya can just run away.doesn't matter to me.choose wisely..."

....you could run away.he wasn't gonna let you get a shot at his nuts obviously. Maybe..if you bucked him in the face. One good buck. You've never bucked before.but,any good hit can knock anyone down. Shit man...you should just run away.
But you don't. You growl loudly and jump towards him and turn for a buck.
You manage it..sorta...you miss his face and instead hit his chest due to your size…..you were screwed.

But as you turn, you can see dust coming from the wall. In which you slammed Calamity right into it.

What...the..fuck?
You...what?!

Calamity was coughing from the hit, the wall had a small crater to it.

There's...no..fucking..way...




Calamity looked freaked out as well. "W-w-w-what?! N..ngh...ugh..I'm hurtin...forget this..Bedlam..we gott-gotta get outta here....s-somethin's..wrong with this kid..I..can barely move...C-carry me..."

you were stunned, Calamity was stunned, Diamond Tiara was stunned. Bedlam was still high pitched and rushing to pick his partner up with his magic and ran off with him before you snapped back to reality.
.....you did it...You did it somehow....
"Anon...h-help...me..please..."
Diamond Tiara could talk again, and she was a lot more soft spoken. frightened and scared about what could have happened to her.
...you did it. You actually did it..
How in the fuck did you do it?

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