• Published 21st Oct 2017
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Dadonequus Discord (Book 1) - CrazedLaughter

Discord makes a deal with an anonymous human. The human gets to live a good life in Equestria. And Discord? he gets to have a son of his own. Of course, his only reason is to impress Fluttershy and annoy Twilight.

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Chapter 52

You turn around and manage to nab the map with your hoof. You quickly empty your saddle bag of your hat and horn and go to your floor door. This time, you carefully open it and travel down the invisible gravity steps. Discord was still right where he was. But now the whole living room was a gigantic lab. Discord again, was in goggles and a lab coat.

"Woah… I feel like I'm in Dexter's Lab… hmm, hey Discord, can I… bug you again for a second if you don't mind? I have a favor to ask."

Discord is hovering multiple vials and beakers and mixing chemicals every which way. He slowly halts his movements, he's moving everything around like a conductor at a music hall. "Anon, back again? and for a favor?" Discord chuckles as his lab coat turns into a mobster's vest, his goggles turning into a black fedora. "How ever may I help you?"

You notice a glint in his eye… Oh come on… You knew what this meant, given his costume. You cringed heavily at what he might want. "Come on Discord, don't do that, I'm your "son" remember? Give me a freebie here, I'm in a hurry."

Discord then looked at you confused. "Hrnn? Freebie?" Then he startling laughing "Hahaha ohhhh… ohh, you thought, oh no no no, I'd never DREAM of forcing a deal upon you. I just wanted to look nice."

You could tell, he just enjoyed your initial reaction. But no time to for a witty comeback. You had 3 fillies and a mare of class waiting on you. "Ok..ok you got me. So… uhh… I need. A ton of cash. Like, enough to buy a good amount of these things called "Radiant" gems. Apparently they are expensive and can only be bought from the Crystal Empire… uhhh, please?"

Discord floated over a few yellow vials and gazed at them intently "hmmm. Well, I did put that fourth option in the dial for a reason. To think you'd already put it to use. But Anon, you are going to use it for something as boring as shopping? Tsk tsk, I thought you were more fun than that. And besides, those gems you speak of. I could whip them up in an instant if I so wanted to."

Oh shit… That's right… He probably could… "O-oh...yeah...ok. Can I get a bunch of those gems then? Please?"

Discord shook his head "No can do, you already asked for bits. I can't be granting every wish you have Anon. That would make me a very irresponsible father."

"Well then, forget the b-WhwWHAAWAIT!" Before you could even finish your sentence. Your saddlebag began filling with a ridiculous amounts of bits. Enough to knock you off balance, and to your side as the bag sits on your body. It was so heavy, you could barely move it. All you can do was struggle.


Discord rolled his eyes. "Children these days, so ungrateful and so unready for the consequences of their wishes." Discord snapped his talons, making the large bag float up. It was now weightless despite being filled to over capacity.

You took deep breaths, goddamn that shit got heavy quick. "Ngh… did you really have to do that?"

Discord shook his head "No, but it was a TON of fun, wasn't it?" Discord started laughing maniacally at his own pun.

Fine fine, in retrospect. That probably would have been funny if you saw him do that to someone else. Just be good humored Anon… he was actually doing you at least this favor. "Ok ok, you got me..."

You shrug it off with a light titter. "Ok, well. I guess you're really not going to give me the gems huh?"

Discord shook his head. "No, if I handed you everything you wanted then there'd be no fun in doing things on your own. Consider this a lesson in chaos. Because when you go out to do anything, you never know what might happen. Could be boring… or it could be fun. And speaking of fun, You'll definitely be going to school day AFTER tomorrow. I thought I'd schedule the both of us for a little father son time, maybe join forces on a little chaotic venture without letting Twilight or the others find out. Hmmm?"

Oh shit, really? Well, you weren't really to big on school. But… actually going out to wreak some chaos? Now that… that could be fun. "That actually sounds pretty cool. How about we mess with the changelings? They kind of deserve it, and it's not like they are going to whine to Twilight or Celestia about it."

Oh man, just those words coming out of your mouth made you excited.

"Sounds delightful. You have been wanting to do that, haven't you?" Discord chortled evilly, then he remembered something "Anon, do you need anything else for your trip… besides the gems of course."

Oh hey, that's nice of him to ask… but, you couldn't think of anything. "No, I think I just need the bits. umm..Thanks Discord. You've been a big help."

Discord rolled his eyes at you as he popped into his scientist ensemble and lowered his goggles. "Don't get sentimental on me Anon, I was just making sure you were prepared."

Yeah… heh… sure. But… hmm, there was one more thing you wanted to ask before you left. You were kind of scared of asking about if you could really get a Cutie Mark. But, there was another thing that itched in your brain. "Yo Discord...can I ask one more question?"

Discord lifted his goggles and looked at you "Yes?"

"I notice you don't do anything to me when I curse, what's up with that?"

"Well, you haven't cursed in front of anypony else right? You haven't cursed in front of Fluttershy… have you?" his right eye nearly bulged, focusing at you on that last question.

"W-well no, not since the whole fight thing." That stare on you… It was kind of scary.

But then, Discord just shrugged, put on his goggles, and went back to his work. "Then I don't really care, Just as long as nopony comes asking me why you curse like a sailor, and that you are a bad influence on their "foals"" Discord waved his arms in the air with abandon as he rolled his eyes at the thought. "Really, it shouldn't be my fault that they heard it. But we all know how mothers can be. Now shoo Anon, I'm trying to make a potion that will turn anypony's tongue green."

Wut? "...uhh..couldn't you just do that with your magic?"

"Well of course I can! But if I use a potion instead, maybe innocently swap it with somepony's ketchup or mustard. Then the results would be not only hysterical, but they'd never figure out that I did it."

Huh, you smile at that. You smile at the thought of Spoiled Rich having a freakout at her tongue. "You know, that would be pretty hysterical. Ok, I'll leave you to that then. I've got to hurry up and buy some gems. Good luck Discord."

Discord gave you a gentle wave as he used his other arm to carefully mix vial contents into a beaker. "And good luck to you Anon, remember not to touch those gems with your hooves now. I won't give you another sack of bits."

Right, you had to make sure that the place that had them would give you a way to carry them out. You were sure they'd have some kind of hoof gloves or something you could use.

With that, you went back into your room and to the door with the dial. You put it on setting four… The Crystal Empire.

"Whoo boy, here we go. Out of Ponyville and into an Empire… Here we go… Here.. we.. go..."

You feel hesitant, all them crystal ponies though. Looking through the door, you could see a few walking about doing… well, pony cute things. not too different from Ponyville, just… more crystally.

Ok… You wait for an opportune time not to be noticed, and then step through the door. It seems even though you could see them through the door, they couldn't notice you. Neat.

Woah, this place looked a lot nicer close up. Crystal Ponies shimmer from the sunlight… which you noticed was starting to wane. Shit, no time to dilly dally. You took notice… the door left you right outside of the Crystal Heart… ok… maybe a small detour.

It was just floating there, unguarded, and yet amongst all the crystal ponies to see. As you went closer to it, you could feel a gentle warmth in your heart. "Huh..that thing is kind of entrancing"

You were tempted to touch it...but you stop yourself. "Don't do it Anon… that's some high treason stuff right there… gotta get those gems. Now, let's see." You pull out your map. "Now… oh… come on" Despite it being a magical map of teleportation. It still only showed Ponyville.

You sigh, annoyed. "Really? He knew I'd do this. And… I only have myself to blame. He DID ask me if I needed anything else… ugh."

You had no idea where to start. Well...There didn't seem to be a source of water anywhere close by. So, do what the everyman… everypony does… ask around. You look around, plenty of ponies to ask. a lot cute, even with the crystal sheen. You also noted the chill in the air. This place was a lot cooler than what you were used to. Good thing you had a coat of fur...

You walk up to a gentle looking mare who seemed to be minding her own business. "Excuse me ma'am"

She looked to you, and immediately smiled "Well hello there, do you need something sweetie?"

Awww, she called you sweetie. "Well, I just need directions to where I could buy some radiant gems."

"Radiant Gems? Oh, sweetie. You don't need those. They are very expensive, especially now that the shop is under new management" The pony started to look around "Where are your parents?"

"They are..around. Look, I REEEAAALLLYYY need to know where I can get some of these gems. I promise you, I have the cash." You open your saddle bag to reveal your ridiculous cache of bits.

"W-w-wow! I...I guess you could afford them...I-I think...but, why would a little sweetie like you need radiant gems?" She was astounded by your wealth. And by your ability to lift it.

"Just want to give them as a gift."

The crystal pony d'awwws hard, and gives you a loving smile. "You really are a sweetheart aren't you? you're going to make your special somepony veeeerrrryyyy happy. Ok, you just go two roads down that way, make a left, down another road, and then a right, three roads down. You got that?"

G-guh? Special somepony? No… whatever, you didn't have time to debate this. "Y-yes ma'am… thank you ma'am, take care ma’am." And with that you rush off to your destination. New management huh? More expensive? Whatever, you got this.

The crystal pony just smiled "What a polite little colt"

You run, and run, no time to enjoy the scenery. And you sure as hell hoped you wouldn't run into a certain princess. You follow the directions precisely until you manage to reach a gem shop, with the words "New Management" on a sign right next to a board with different types of gems painted on it.

However, something catches your eye on the signboard where it says "New Management"
two crude paintings of two certain brothers. "You're fucking joking..." The Flim Flam brothers were the new owners of this establishment… "Ok… this… this could be interesting… dammit, they better not bamboozle me or some shit.."

You wondered what the fuck they were doing here, or how they could afford a goddamn gem shop. Then again, gems seemed to be wildly different in price in Equestria, depending. And the brothers themselves? You didn't even think you'd ever run into them. Not unless they pulled yet another scheme in Ponyville. But they probably couldn't get away with it after fucking up twice.

You reluctantly step into the shop. Wow, it actually looked pretty nice, looked almost like a middle class throne room. Gems that seemed less expensive were out in the open while more expensive looking gems were behind glass with golden rims. "Hello? Anypony here?"

Suddenly, out from behind the cashier counter, was them… Flim and Flam… the Flim Flam brothers. "Well Well, do you see what I see Flam?"

"Yes indeedy I do Flim, a customer of the youngest calibur!"

"The brightest calibur."

Then they both said together "And with that, we welcome you to the Flim Flam Brother's Gem shop"

Then Flim spoke "Where you can buy any gem you need and even have it delivered..."

Then Flam "That's right, with our griffon friends, we can ship out any gems you might need post haste and without fear of faliure! Why they can even ship out Radiant gems without error.."

Then Flim "Not even a margin for error, as it turns out. Their talons do not affect the gems in any way whatsoever."

What? Did they know you wanted Radiant gems? Then they said, together, giving you a welcoming smile "What can we, the Flim Flam brothers, do for you?"

Uhhh… ugh geez. These guys. "Uhhmm..well, it's funny you mention Radiant Gems. Because I need as many as you're willing to sell for..." You toss down your saddlebag as bits fly out of it. "This many bits."

Immediately, Flim and Flam look at your haul greedily. They start whispering to each other. They seemed amazed that a colt like you would have such a ridiculous amount of bits. Flim even hovered a bit over for him and his brother to take a look. Judging by their reactions. They saw it was real.

They both nodded to each other. Flim immediately snuck into the back, probably to get the gems ready. Flam however, moved away from the counter and closer to you and your bag. "This is quite a bit of bits, I've never seen a colt with so many before. You must want those radiant gems really badly, right?"

You nod, cautiously. "Yeah… I need to get them back to somepony. I know you can't touch them or else, I forget really… but uh, just slip them into the bag,"

Flam started looking through your bit count quickly and expertly. This was more than enough for the stock they had. "Well, I see. However, perhaps we can interest you in our Griffon service?"


"Griffon Service? Yeah, you mentioned that. What's that about?"

Flim comes from the back, floating a bag onto the counter and then looks at you with a… untrustworthy looking grin "What's Griffon Service?! I'll tell you what it is my little friend. Our Griffon Service is of the likes you've never seen before. like Pegasi, Griffons can get through any aerial environmental danger. But unlike most pegasi, they can also get through any PHYSICAL danger."

Then Flam spoke "And don't forget to mention that Griffons can handle Radiant Gems without setting them off! That's right, when they grasp them with their talons, nothing happens. Tell him what that means Flim."

Then Flim spoke "Of course Flam. what that means is there is no chance of your purchased gems being ruined through delivery. This allows us to do what the previous owner could not and ship these wonderful gems anywhere in Equestria!"

Right… There had to be a catch. Even then, you didn't need no griffons. You had a faster way to get them to Rarity. "Umm, yeah, look. I don't need that service. Just give me the gems."

Flam looked back, and nodded to Flim, then looked back at you with a smile "Don't be hasty friend. Now I know you think you're qualified to handle these gems. But you mustn't rush these things!"

Flim pulled out a card, and floated it over to you "In fact, we'd like you to take a look at this"

You nab it, and take a look.

"With this official Flim Flam brothers card, you are guaranteed ten percent off your next purchase on your next visit if you use our patented Griffon Service"

Only ten percent.

"What does this have to do with anything?"

Flim spoke "Well friend, it's a little something we like to call "incentive""

Then Flam "And besides, not only is the Griffon Service guaranteed a success, but it only costs an extra twenty five percent of your purchase."

Then Flim gasps "My dear brother! That's practically stealing from us!"

Flam nods "Indeed, now… umm, what's your name little friend?"

"Anon" You tell them. Wary of their shitty offer

"Well Anon, you wouldn't be able to buy AS many Radiant Gems. But surely you'd have enough for what YOU possibly need them for. Are you sure you could really trust yourself handling gems this valuable?"

Flim rose his hoof at you, to give you caution "Think carefully Anon, we are offering you guaranteed service! Anywhere in Equestria, with no worries attached!"

They must have thought you were an idiot. You already figured out how they are making a bigger profit. twenty five fucking percent? Even if their service was the bee’s knees. No fucking way are you wasting money on it. You were sure the crystal ponies would deal with these fuckwits soon enough.

"Look fellas, I appreciate the offer, but just give me the gems"

Flim and Flam started to look a little worried.

"Are you sure you won't reconsider Anon?" Said Flim, looking a little nervous.

"Perhaps if we give you a child's discount of say......five percent off the service?" Said Flam.

...ugh. "The gems, just take my money. Put the gems in the bag. and let me leave. I don't need the service."

"But sur-"

You stomp your hoof on the ground, angrily. You were done with this shit. You were trying to do a good deed, fix your screw up, and get back in time before everyone realizes you were gone.


Suddenly… silence filled the air. The Flim Flam brothers jaws just hung open.

Oh geez. You just realized what you had just done… Still, it's not that bad. They didn't know who you were, they probably wouldn't say anything. Hopefully. You didn't need Discord on your ass.

You take a breath. "....Just do it ok?"

They both nod, and just silently place the bag of gems into your saddlebag as they take about seventy percent of your haul of bits. As it turned out, you cleared them out of radiant gems and still had quite some bits on you.

You clear your throat. "Well uhh, pleasure doing business with you gentlem-...Gentlecolts. Thanks for the gems, and uhh… I hope your griffon thing works out. seeya later..."

Just walk out casually Anon, just walk out casually. They were still plenty surprised by your outburst. You look back, they were still stunned. they had to close each other's gaping jaws with their hooves. They couldn't do it themselves… actually, that's pretty fucking funny. You have yourself a chuckle as you step out.

Now you just had to get back home. Which in fact, didn't take you too long. The place was pretty bone dry. So you took a little bit of a sneaky route.

You found a pony enjoying a drink at a table. You hid under it, waiting for her to put her drink down. You then tossed a few bits out of the way. She notices, and goes to pick them up.

Good. You felt a little bad doing this. But you couldn't find any other way. You spilled her drink all over the ground while she was distracted. And tossed the map at the puddle. The portal opens, and you hop in.

A crude way to return yes. But it was just a drink. You didn't have time to waste.

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