• Published 21st Oct 2017
  • 10,248 Views, 2,757 Comments

Dadonequus Discord (Book 1) - CrazedLaughter



Discord makes a deal with an anonymous human. The human gets to live a good life in Equestria. And Discord? he gets to have a son of his own. Of course, his only reason is to impress Fluttershy and annoy Twilight.

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Chapter 147 - The Nightmare Night Arc

"It was late at night. Applebloom had just won a game rigged harder than the Obama election and we we're all ready to reap the sweet reward. But those Flim Flam brothers pulled a fast one on all of us. With a flash of light, they made out like bandits into the darkness."

"I used the light of my horn and the magic I had to follow the trail made by their steam powered jellopy, or whatever it actually was. But as I traced the trail, I realized that my costume may not be appropriate for the situation. It wasn't that it was bad. But it's grizzled feeling on my body made me feel like I had to question everything I see and hear. In the exact way I see or hear it."

"So I used my magic to put on a yellow fedora and trenchcoat. It just felt right."

"The trail wasn't hard to follow. It was only a matter of distance. I knew this was going to be a long trip. So I conjured up a cherry lollipop and put it in my mouth. I loved cherry lollipops. They reminded me of sweet dames back in Ponyville. And just like any cherry flavored goodness, I was going to pop this case right open.”

"The trail led me down the road to the outskirts of town. Seems they we're making a beeline to another place. Probably back to the Crystal Empire. The Crystal Empire, I had only been there three times. None of them what I'd call a good experience."

"Then I saw it. Seems their ride had ended early. The machine was dead and smoking. they didn't crash into anything. So my instincts told me that the thing broke down. That means they must be making it the rest of the way by hoof"

"I go to investigate their steam powered tin can a little closer. And just my luck, they really were smart enough to make out with the goods. Troublesome to be sure, if they weren't dealing with a colt with a magical horn and a heart full of retribution....a good hat helps too. Let's them know I mean business."

"I notice their tracks leading down the road. they were hoofing it fast it seems. I can't imagine those two crummy con artists having gone too far. But they were crummy as they were crafty. I had to keep my eye out for any slick moves they'd try to do to throw anypony off their trail."

"I felt rather comfortable as I followed both set of hooftracks. The night sky was beautiful, and the air was clean. Took me back to days of my actual youth. That is, when I used to imagine what clean air smelled like. them were the breaks for a city kid like myself. but something about this setting set the mood just right. I could swear I was hearing jazzy music in the background as I made my stride. everything in sight looking like an old movin' picture show. Heck, even talking to myself felt natural"

"Of course, I then realized that I may have subconsciously set myself up for a Noir detective setting. Chaos Magic, it's like a woman. You never know what they are gonna do, and right when you got them figured out, they pull a fast one on you. Of course, being thrown for a loop was sometimes a good thing. Kept things interesting. a sense of danger always keeps a good man...or rather pony, on their toes"

"I could just teleport up to them. But they'd no doubt be ready for anything. My senses told me to let them get as far as they need to get to feel like there was nobody going after them. I was going to let them do the opposite of sweat. I was going to let them ease their minds, make them think they managed to get out without a hitch. It's funny actually, I guess you can call me a brick wall. Course, there ain't anything funny about being a brick wall. One minute you're high up, doing your job and minding your own business. The next, they tear ya down and leave you as rubble. I already learned that the magic I have isn't a toy. So to prevent myself from getting torn down, I was gonna have to be the wrecking ball instead."

"’Course, I had to make sure to keep my head on my shoulders. I had two dames after me after all. Probably everypony's dream to have two fillies fighting over you. Truth is, if things were different. I'd probably take them both and let the devil deal with the consequences. But that ain't me. Yeah, I'm a dirty guy. But I have standards and morals. And a taste for the twenty year models. Human years to be exact. Don't exactly know how a pony ages. But if Mayor Mare is any indication, at least they age like fine wine. ‘Course that Granny Smith is a bit too old for my tastes"

"The trail was anything but cold. There was no wind, no snow, no animals mucking about on the road. The case of the stolen bits was going to be open and shut. Easier than writing an episode of Family Guy. I kept my eyes peeled for the slippery pair. Had to make sure they didn't get the bright idea to go off the road. Nothing looked too dangerous sure. But all you had to do was go into a forest and BAM. Timberwolf dinner. Not a good way to go."

"And wouldn't you know it. those two palookas were just beyond a bend on the road behind some trees. Though, I did find it curious that they just stopped in such an obvious place. I hid behind a tall tree to make sure they didn't spot me. Didn't need them trying to split up. I ready my slingshot, ready to hit them right between the eyes on the word go"

"But dang, if that ain't a kick in the can. They were in a panic. runnin' around like a butcher just sliced off their heads. Yeah, I should have known. But it didn't hit me until just now. They got sucked into this little world just as I did. And they didn't know what to do. Police Chief Discord, who wasn't actually a police chief, would have found this hilarious if he was here. He would have literally busted a gut. And, as luck would have it, they managed to hang on to all the bits. Even my trusty saddle bag."

"While I watched them panic, I realized I myself was flapping my lips like some mad bird. I was narrating my movements, my thoughts, my cunning and clever quips and cuteness. I could only hope there wasn't a bunch of readers or watchers seeing this, it would have been embarrassing. A man doesn't like to air their dirty laundry like a dame would. and isn't that the problem with them anyway? They never know when to keep their lips from flapping."

"With a grasp on the situation. I step out, cool and calm. I wanted them to know immediately that I was in control of the situation. I leaned my head down, so my fedora covers my eyes, making sure my delicious lollipop stick sticks out upwards. I was the big boss around here, and I was going to be calling the shots"

"Heya boys, ain't it dangerous to be walking this side of the road at this kind of night? could be bandits around."

"BROTHER! WHAT'S GOING ON!? EVERYTHING IS COLORLESS! I'VE GONE COLORBLIND!"

"I'VE GONE COLORBLIND TOO! AND I KEEP HEARING VOICES! SOMEPONY OR SOMETHING IS FOLLOWING US! WE'VE BEEN CURSED!"



"Cursed? that was a good one. They were so panicked they didn't see me. I was right under their nose. But I guess the color loss made me look like some sort of statue. I guess they could hear how the story was going to go down. That was just fine with me. I liked being a storyteller, and stories were always nice when they had a happy ending"

"Gonna tell you guys, I didn't think you were weaselly enough to run off with the loot. Considering that your business in the Crystal Empire was kind of legit. But I guess ya can't kick that nasty habit you both have. So, are you going to give up quietly? Or do we have to have some sort of western showdown?"

"They noticed me this time, and it seemed even in my new digs that they remembered who I was. That was fine by me, I wanted them to know that I wasn't some small time town pony"

"I gave my slingshot a twirl with my magic, this was a pony detective's best friend. Could even be his nightly lover. Then I looked them right in the eye. I wanted them to know that it was the end of the line."

"I wouldn't try anything if I were you, I'm pretty good with this thing, I'd have you both in the hospital before you even knew what hit you. Now, I think I asked you before. Why don't you give me back all those bits, nice and easy."

"It was either the fact they could hear my every word, or the fact that I had a horn on my head. Maybe both, I wouldn't know. But Flam seemed to be realizing that I was the one who arranged this jazzy shindig. Though Flim didn't seem to have caught on."

"Or it could be the fact that you're standing right in front of us. I gotta say, I've seen a lot of magic tricks in my life. But a colt that could manipulate reality? That's something I've never heard of before."

"...Flam, you can't be serious. You can't tell me it's that colt that's doing all this. The color, the music, the voices. No colt has that kind of power"

"It is true Flim,I had heard something about our loony Draconeequs resident having a son. I didn't piece it together until I realized that there had to be a trick to that saddle bag of his. And I'd take a guess he's doing all this with that horn. Truly a con of cons that must be respected. I bow to you. For you have bested us"

"It was hard to think of what was going on. They could hear my every thought as if I spoke it. And although Flim was looking like he was going to have a heart attack. Flam seemed to be trying to run a con on me. Of course, you'd always have to expect a trick from no good flimflammers like the Flim Flam brothers themselves. Made me sick"

"Then why don't you give up the goods? Why do you both trick ponies out of their bits anyway. Don't you make enough at that gem shop of yours?"

"Ahh, you see Anon. Flim and I have been in quite the pickle as of late. Haven't we brother?"

"Brother....have you gone mad? The explanation you gave. It still makes no sense. Do you remember that Princess Twilight lives in Ponyville? Surely she wouldn't let this colt wield such massive power. I'd sooner believe a cursed bag over this. Can't you see he's just trying to con us?"


"And a good con he's been playing brother. Mr. Anon here has clearly kept things under control and not done anything to raise ill will towards him, Unlike his father. But....Mr. Anon, you can't expect us to just give up the money now. I could give you back your bag if you wish. And then we can go on our own ways."

"Sorry ratfink, I'm either going with everything or not at all. And my little buddy here is just itching to take some shots at you. So unless you have something better. I'd just drop the bits and go. Trust me, you don't want me using this thing. And you REALLY don't want me using my horn. Then it'd be like drinking water in mexico. And if you knew where I came from, you'd know that's a fate worse than death."

"Mr.Anon, please listen to reason. Our workers have been demanding more and more of us as we make less and less. It seems ponies don't seem to like their brutish manners despite getting their packages in on time and without issue. And brutish they are. They have threatened to destroy the store and take what's left if we don't pay them the bits they want."

"That seemed pretty fishy to me. I didn't have to think about it too long to figure out that sounded like a con. a not a particularly good one either. It was like a joke out of a joke book. It just wasn't good. Of course, what really got my oven burning was the fact that he'd think I'd fall for such malarky"

"...you really are causing all this...aren't you?"

"I am, come on Flim. Don't be like your brother. just put the bits down and go. We'll forget this ever happened. Trust me, you do NOT want me to use force. I don't think ponies like you are ready for things like a Cazzaclaw"

"..I-I don't know what that is...B-but my brother speaks the truth. We are but simple business ponies at the end of our ropes. Those griffons will take everything from us if we don't pay"

"Now that Flim, he sounded much more genuine than his brother. But I wasn't no southtown hick. I knew that there was a hole in their explanation. I spit out my lollipop stick to the side and gave them the eye of reason. Eyes that should tell them that there's no going no further."

"Sorry to tell you this fellas. But if you needed the bits to pay them off, then you could have just given them everything else and everything would be just the same. It's not like you'd be able to run the business anymore if what you say is true. Now, last chance, the bits."

"Mr.Anon, please understand two things. One, my brother does not like the illusion that you have created and I think he'd like you to stop. as understanding gentlecolts here. I'm sure you could do that much for us."

"No dice, what's the other thing?"

"Well, the other thing is the fact that those dastardly griffons plan to take our family heirlooms as well. Generations going back to the pioneers of the craft. from our great uncle Mountebank to our great great great great great grandfather Double-dealer Mchosenmeier. Anon, we've always treated those as precious commodities. Something we'd never give away, even if the deal of the lifetime were to come upon us. It was either the money or the heirlooms. Anon, I ask you as a pony who is in desperation. please do not take the bits."

"That Flam was seeming pretty genuine. Gotta admit, even knowing what these two we're capable of. They were tugging at the right strings. But lady justice carries a fickle scale. and their words only had so much weight. And lady justice was not the type of dame you wanted to take lightly."

"You mooks really want me to take your word for it, don't ya? But you know those bits belonged to innocent ponies who trusted in that game being legit. Gotta tell ya both, your story almost moves my heart. But not enough to just let you walk off with the goods."

"Anon, I bow to you. Please...let us keep the bits. There is simply no other way."

"Anon, my brother speaks to you one hundred percent truth. Let us keep the bits. and please, let us out of this infernal illusion. I feel as if I am in a waking nightmare. And this music. it makes me feel as if I won't be leaving alive. It's docile sweet tones hide a bittersweet story of torment and woe."

"They went on their knees pleading. If I were any other pony, I'd just take the bits and go back to Ponyville. leave them with some creepy crawlies that would leave them scarred for the rest of their lives. But my detective instincts were itching. Made me feel there was some truth to it. But the cop part of me couldn't let these guys off scott free. Was gonna have to disappoint the girls on this one, but my gut was telling me that I probably should have a look into things. See if these guys weren't pulling the wool over my eyes"

"I stick another cherry lollipop in my mouth and stare up into the moonlit sky. Yep, it was gonna be another one of those nights. I'll never catch a break, not while I'm doing this job."

"I take a look at the sorry state the brothers are in, poor slobs...well, if they were telling the truth that is. I'd feel sorry for them if they were. I give them an example of what's to become of them if they double cross me. heh, double cross. I'd bet that was a name of one of their ancestors."

"......great Aunt twice removed actually"

"...right...well anyway. I crunch my lollipop into bits and spit the stick out onto Flam's mustache. A form of symbolism you see"

"That's what's going to happen to you two if I find out you're lying to me. I'm still taking the bits, but if you're really telling the truth. I'll take care of your griffon problem too."

"But how? Unless your magic can do more than just illusions, those griffons will tear you limb from limb. Surely just leaving the bits with us-"

"Put a sock in it will ya? This baby has enough magic to deal with some surly type nobodies. That includes the both of you if you're conning me, don't forget that. Now, I'm gonna go check it out and get your stuff back. I want the two of you to turn around, give those ponies those bits back, and make the cute little apple horse feel reeeaaalll special. Like she had just won the award for being the best pony ever."

"But those ponies will surely attack us! You can't possible expe-"

"That's what I AM expecting. Dem's the breaks. I'm sure those stained silver tongues you fellas have will keep you from being ripped to shreds. Because if you don't do it..."

"I decided to give them some real incentive. Called my good buddy Mr.Deathclaw from out of thin air. Course, I had to be real careful with this. Didn't need him causing a real commotion. A lesson learned from the realm of dreams"

"Hey Mr.Deathclaw, why don't you show our friends here what will happen if they don't do the good and honest thing"

"Gotta tell you, He sure was convincing. He took up a giant log and clawed and shaved it until it looked like the brothers. Then he crushed it to bits between those massive chompers he's got. I couldn't tell because of the lack of color. But the look of the water that was pouring underneath the two brothers certainly wasn't a clear liquid."

"I think they got the point, thanks for the favor"

"Even after I got rid of the Deathclaw,They didn't speak a word. Was it a mistake to show them I had that kind of power? Maybe, but they knew to keep their mouth shut about it. I had to actually slap them to get them to pay attention. I guess they never seen a bruiser like a Deathclaw before. Heck, I'm sure just from knowing my thoughts that they knew to do the right thing."

"We'll meet right in this spot in an hour or so.No tricks. Or you won't need to worry about any more generations"

"They nodded without a word. Had to be firm with these type of ponies. Give them an inch and they will take whatever not nailed to the ground, never mind the mile. Sad they weren't dames looking for help. But that's my life. Realistically, there's never a dame looking to be my client. And if there is, their the kind of dame you don't bring on a fishing trip unless you need an extra anchor."

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