• Published 21st Oct 2017
  • 10,464 Views, 2,803 Comments

Dadonequus Discord (Book 1) - CrazedLaughter



Discord makes a deal with an anonymous human. The human gets to live a good life in Equestria. And Discord? he gets to have a son of his own. Of course, his only reason is to impress Fluttershy and annoy Twilight.

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Chapter 296

Author's Note:

Tonight!
Drinks!
Songs!
And Chess!

Discord raises his talon to signal Girtha to come closer.

She notices, and walks over, looking down on the both of you. She opens her mouth and takes out a red hot stone that was emitting black smoke. She inspected it for a second before putting it back in her mouth, under her tongue

....Why?!...WHY?! SHE HAS SOME HOT MOLTEN ROCK UNDER HER TONGUE AND SHE WASN'T....oh never mind. You should be used to that kind of shit by now..

"What do you want now?" She asks in a gruff, agitated voice.

"Just drinks my dear, just drinks" Discord replies

"....Then what are ya havin'?" She asks as she taps on her notepad, smoke blowing up from her nostrils.

"Well, I'll have a normal bottle of cider. Strange I know, but it fits the occasion I think" Discord says as he relaxes back on his chair.

"And you?" Girtha asks as she writes down Discord's order

..you...you? Oh baby...Time to go for the top

You lean your chair back and place your hindlegs onto the table as you smirk. What possible "Drinks" could Equestria have over humans? You felt like going big this time. Big plans and big successes called for big drinks.

"I'll take the strongest drink you got!" You exclaim boastfully.

Suddenly, everyone in the bar stops. Everyone...and they peer over to you. Even the usually silent barkeep stopped cleaning his glass as his eyes slowly shifted towards you.

"Ya sure, pipsqueak? We ain't responsible for what happens" Girtha informs you in a stoic fashion, the only one unphased by what you said.

You take a moment to look about. The griffons in the bar, they were whispering to each other, some seemed scared, some just looked on, curious.
"He can't be serious..."
"He's just a kid...he doesn't even know what he's ordering"
"Discord ain’t that crazy, right? To let him have....’That drink’? "
”By King Grover himself, this is madness!"

Madness they say? Well...you were the "Son of Chaos". Madness was your forte

"....hurry up. or you ain't gettin' squat" Girtha grew impatient, awaiting the finalization of your answer.

....So these griffons were afraid of a little alcohol, huh?..well...you weren't. "I'm super sure, give me a glass of your strongest stuff!"

".....we only sell it in shots, one shot per customer." Girtha groaned

Discord threw a bag of coins onto the table with an insidious smirk on his face "The boy said a glass. So get him a glass"

Girtha grows silent, and takes the bag of bits and walks off.

"A GLASS?!"
The griffons in the bar start to panic
"HE ACTUALLY DID IT! THE MADPONY!"
"HE'S DOOMED US ALL!"
"THERE'S NO WAY THAT KID COULD HANDLE THAT! WHO KNOWS WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?!"
"ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN! WE COULD ALL BE DESTROYED!"
"..I-I THINK I HEAR MY MOMMA CALLING" One of the griffons shrieks as he blasts towards one of the windows...misses, and just busts right through the wall, leaving a griffon shaped hole.

The barkeep stayed silent as he started mixing drinks.

There's noooo way what you ordered is that bad.

You look over to Discord, with just a little worry in your heart. "...why are they so scared? The hell did I even order?"

"You, Anon..." Discord chuckled "Ordered a whole glass of ‘Laugharooni’ "

Laugharooni?

.....seriously? "....what kind of name is that? That sounds stupid"

"To you, maybe. to them? Ohhhh, it brings fear and pandemonium into their hearts. Only one other has managed to drink this drink, and only through sheer luck did he get out in one piece. Look...to the hall of fame" Discord points to the wall above the barkeep, a huge photo was placed where a sign said "Laugharooni survivors"

..the picture was of Discord…..ugh, really? The photo was just him holding a trophy with a big grin on his face. Obviously, he wasn’t THAT affected.

...of course. You weren't impressed.

You just leaned forward and rested your head on the right frog of your hoof, looking boredly at Discord. "......you know it's cheating when you are just able to just do whatever, right?"

"It's still something they fear, Anon, are you sure you can handle this drink? I could just order you a glass of cider....or milk. Would you like milk?" Discord's words lacked any actual care, he was teasing you.

You just smirked at him "Milk, huh? nah, today Discord? You'll see what a man can do. That's right, I said man. Not boy, not kid, not pony, A human man. And us men can handle our drinks. And once I'm done, they'll have a real person to stick up on that wall"

"Oh, this is going to be very interesting. Very interesting indeed" Discord twiddles his talons and paw digits about,

"Oh yes, very enlightening. pip pip peri! good show! a real ding daddler in showing Draconequus kind that they are second rate, oh ho hum hum" You mock him,in a very condescending voice. Doing your worst to sound like him.

".....I don't sound like that at all" Discord didn't look pleased at all with that mockery

"Yeah uh huh, ok....ahh! Hey, here we go!"

Girtha came over and dropped off the drinks "One cider, one glass of laugharooni, and the owner wants you to sign this waver pinnin' all responsibility on you. Also a fee for the paper itself" She slides the waver towards Discord

Discord materializes a quill and signs it with a sing songy "Done,done, and done" He passes a few more bits to her as he passes the waver back.

You stare at your glass. The liquid was blue and bubbling. This is what they were afraid of? It wasn't even frothing. Pussies, the lot of them.

The both of you smirk at eachother as Girtha walks off. Griffons sweating like pigs, all eyes on you.

"To the annoyance of a certain bug" Discord states, eyeing you as if you were making a mistake.

"And to the happiness of a certain yellow pony, a toast!" You say, confident in your decision.

You both hold up your drinks, clack them together, and drink.

Hey, it didn't even taste that bad. it tasted sweet, like sugar drops. No blueberry flavor like one would expect. And no alcohol whatsoever. The fuck were they sperging about?

You guzzle down the whole glass. The bar going dead silent as you slam it onto the table and wipe your muzzle. "Ahhh, smooth. No problem here"

"Amazing, Anon, you drank that entire laugharooni without even wondering what it is." Discord looks around. All the griffons had their eyes on you, white from fear. Except for Girtha and the barkeep.

"Who cares? the fact is I did it..ahhh" You leaned backwards, resting your head on your forelegs in triumph "tooooo easy"

"Anon, you're not even the least bit curious?" Discord's grin...it was starting to creep you out.

"No....I am sorta wondering why everyone is still looking so freaked out though" You felt kind of awkward about it "Weird..."

Suddenly, you started to feel funny. "...huh...I feel a little weird.."

You started tapping at your neck, it was feeling tingly and itchy inside and out "ugh...don't tell me I was allergic to that stuff. Discord, help me out, will you?"

"Oh, I will" But Discord doesn't move, he just observes before slowly pulling up a mirror "....If it was an allergy"

You started to feel your throat stiffen, you had trouble moving

You had to pull yourself forward to look in the mirror...and what you saw..horrified you

Your neck was covered in blue polkadots "THE HELL IS THAT?!"

The griffons in the bar began to panic.
"IT'S HAPPENING!"
"IS HE GOING TO BLOW UP?! IS IT GONNA SPREAD?!"
"WHAT IF HE SPITS FIRE?! WHAT IF WE ALL END UP FRIED GRIFFON?!"

"D-dis-o-o.....D...Dis-...W-...What wa....a...s...in..t-t...th....ngh" It was getting harder and harder to speak

"Really? What else could cause those kinds of conditions. You were warned, Anon, you were warned." Discord looks at a watch on his wrist and smirks "It's a good thing we have time for this or else I'd be panicking too. Funny how things like that work, right Anon?"

Blue polka dots

Blue drink

.......no...way "I D-D-...POI...P...JOK......."

You nearly stiffened up completely at this point. falling off the chair, only barely able to move.

Discord leaned over the table, placing his head on his paw as he looked down at you "Having fun down there, Anon?"

You slowly rolled over to look at him, but everytime you opened your mouth there was silence. You couldn't speak.

The griffons were ducking, then peeking as small whistling noises were now coming out of your mouth instead of expletives.

Then finally, music started coming out of your mouth.

Some of the tune of "Treasure Trove Cove" came out of your mouth before you clamped your mouth closed in surprise

You tried opening your mouth again, only this time the theme of "Pirates of the Caribbean" was coming out.

The next time was the first stage theme from DKC2

The hell?! What was going on?

Discord snickered as he looked down at you "Oh my, Anon, you've become your own ‘Pirate’ radio...how about that?"

You tried to get angry, you tried yelling at him.

But all you could do was release shanty songs like "A pirate's life for me" and "Professional Pirate"

You also could barely move. Goddammit! why the fuck do they even serve that shit here?!

Discord chuckles as he picks you up and holds you close as he brings you to the bar. The griffons just looking on with awe and fear. A colt, drinking a glass of Laugharooni? It stunned them.

Discord gently puts you on the bar table and opens your mouth as "99 bottles of beer on the wall” plays. He then taps your nose, a small magic flowing through your face, it kept you from closing your mouth.

Discord then turns to the patrons of the bar as he appears in a conductor's outfit. With his baton, he taps it on a table lightly, and readies himself. "Alright boys, it's time to celebrate this brave colt's actions! I know you all can get pretty jovial, so let's all sing along...and have some fun, shall we? I know you know the words to this one. And this place always did lack a little fun in the musical sort of way. Soooo, altogether now" He raises his arms "One...two...three!"

The griffons all realized what he was talking about. And, to your surprise, all glared at eachother, got back to their seats, and started to...sing.

"99 bottles of chum on the wall, 99 bottles of chum, you take one down, pass it around! 98 bottles of chum on the wall!"
"98 bottles of chum on the wall, 98 bottles of chum, you take one down, pass it around! 97 bottles of chum on the wall!"
"97 bottles of chum on the wall, 97 bottles of chum, you take one down, pass it around! 96 bottles of chum on the wall!"
"96 bottles of chum on the wall, 96 bottles of chum, you take one down, pass it around! 95 bottles of chum on the wall!"

Your eyes went wide...no way these fuckers can...NO WAY! NOOOO!

And they did...they went through every painstaking lyric of the song. It took nearly forty minutes to get through it all.

Your eye was twitching, you thought you were going insane. This stupid song, these dumbass griffons, FUCKING....

"DISCCCCOOORDDDDD!" You finally manage to let out right when the song ends.

Being still and stiff for so long, you lose your footing and fall off the bar lane. But, instead of hitting your head on the ground, you are instead caught by the gaggle of griffons.

"Hurrah for the hero colt! the only other insane maniac to drink a laugharooni and not blow up or something!" They held you up, bouncing you up and down in celebration
"Hurrah! He really is the hero colt!"
"Yeah! let's hear it for this loony! Hurrah for Discord and Anon!"
"The bravest drinker of the bar! Anon! yeaah!"

Woah..this actually felt kind of nice. Sure, you had to endure a stupid painful song. But now? You were well respected among the griffon race in an instant.

You were smiling...haha! "Aww yeah! Thanks guys! Really, it wasn't nothing. You guys are the greatest. Y'know, maybe next time. you all could buy me some dinner huh?"

"......" They all immediately look at eachother with dismay as you were flung in mid air as the group of griffons disperse, muttering to themselves as you fall down onto your head and land on your backside. Looking straight up with a pained groan.

Greedy bastards...

Discord hovered over to you and looked down at you "Have fun?"

".....egh, not anymore...can we go now? I got stuff to do."

"Indeed you do, I'm going to get ready for that party now. hrnn..Fluttershy is the last to know, correct?"

You nod, still internally aggravated. But..who could you be pissed at? Discord?...or yourself for just drinking that shit in the first place.

..egh, never mind. you'd let it slide...griffons were still greedy bastards though.

"Then I suppose I'll keep her busy so she doesn't go out and accidentally find out what we have planned. I'll trust that the townsponies know to keep their mouths shut. So, anyplace I could drop you off?" Discord asks, looking rather serious now that things have died down.

You started to lighten up as Discord seemed to genuinely care to help you. He was,after all, just having another laugh. "The clubhouse, there's something I gotta see before I go get Chrysalis"

"Gotcha, Well then. Good luck, Anon. I expect a good show by the end of all this" Discord snaps his talons.

You instantly teleport from the bar, to the front of the clubhouse.

A few inches above...

...upside down...

You sigh as gravity finally grabs hold of you and slams you on your head once again.

"....Discord......" He could never..EVER..do anything normal, could he?..well, normal by pony standards.

You rub your head and sigh, and knock on the door. "Hello? anypony there?"

"Gimme ah minute, Anon, workin' on mah next move." You hear Applebloom call out.

Wut?

You try opening the door, and it seems it was left open.

You slowly open it to see....Applebloom facing off against Scrappy..in chess.

Oh god...it was true.

...and that chess board. Holy shit.

It had the royal guards as pawns. the leaders of the three tribes as the other pieces. Queens were Celestia and Luna respectively. And...what the fuck was with that King piece? The both of them. They looked so plain. Like, just common ponies. And yet the board itself looked high quality, royally so. It looked so familiar too, as if you had seen it once before when...Luna and DT played?

.....did...did the other you give Scrappy Celestia and Luna's chessboard? does...your Celestia and Luna have a similar one? You just couldn’t remember. It was just a small detail you overlooked.

huh...

You just silently move close and around as Applebloom slams her rook near Scrappy's king, taking his bishop. and then with a "Aha! got ya now!", she looks at him with victorious confidence.

But it looked like Applebloom was at a disadvantage, with fewer pieces.

"Sorry Master Applebloom, but victory is mine again. By sacrificing my bishop, MY QUEEN TAKES VICTORY! CHECKMATE!" Scrappy cackles as he moves his queen to take her rook, placing it in a spot where her king was stuck between four of her final pieces.

"..awww, horseapples" Applebloom sighs as she leans back in defeat.

"Awww..." Scrappy immediately frowns as he slowly moves over to Applebloom's side "I'm sorry I'm so good....I could do worse next game if you want!"

"Awww..." Applebloom sighed as she smiled and gently rubbed his head with her hoof "It's alright Scrappy, yah don’t have to do that."

So then..it's possible that Applebloom just sucked then. "So has Scrappy won every game since he got that board then?Every single one?"

"ANOAAAWWAAa!" Applebloom didn't even see or hear you come in, she ends up falling back in fright of your sudden appearance. Scrappy quickly rushing to catch her, using his back as a cushion.

He doesn't even yelp in pain as she falls back. "Are you ok, Master Applebloom?!" He says, worried

"Ahm alright, thanks Scrappy, are you ok?" Applebloom says as she gets up off of him.

"I'm always ok! As captain, I have to be." Scrappy gets up with a smile as she dusts off her side, then looks at you with a vicious expression "What's the big idea, Anon?! Sneaking is my job! Getting caught is yours!"

...wut?...agh, more of his nonsense. The cute bastard.

You roll your eyes at him, disregarding his words. "relax Scraps, I didn't sneak in. I just walked in.while you guys were playing a game. I heard you were pretty good"

"I'm the best! That's what Master Applebloom says anyway" He says proudly.

"He is really good, Anon, but..what are ya here for? Shouldn't ya get ready for that party?" Applebloom asked

"Anon is going to the party too? Wait, does that mean everypony but me is going to the party? Then...." He wondered "what am I supposed to do?"

"Yer gonna be watchin' the farm animals, remember? Makin' sure nothin weird goes on." Applebloom informs him.

"...oh right..I almost forgot" He salutes, with a sense of duty on his face "I won't let you down!"

"Ah know ya won't, Scrappy. Never thought ya did...hug time?" She says with a cute smile on her face

"HUG TIME!" He says with glee as he embraces her in a hug.

...adorable

Heh, you couldn't help but smile at the scene.

In fact, you were sure he'd be happy to face off against you too. Though, when he realizes he's going to lose....you might feel bad. But you just had to see for yourself just how good he really was. No way he could outmatch you.

It was an odd sense of curiosity you had. Was it that you wanted to beat Scrappy? Or just prove that this other you wasn't as smart as you are by beating his "chess protege"? Hmmm
"Anyways...I came here wondering if Scrappy would like to play a game of chess with me before the party starts"

Scrappy's ears perked up when he heard that. He slowly ended the hug with Applebloom as he looked at you with an insidious smirk "Is that a challenge, Anon?...for the queen's honor?"

.....geez, he's so damn obsessed with that. You thought he may have forgotten about it eventually. But he apparently wasn't kidding, he really wants to avenge her honor. "Sure, why not. If you beat me, I'll admit that I'm a big stink stinker who can't compare to your queen"

"...Also Master Applebloom" He adds with a smirk

....wut? "..ahm...uhh..I...Applebloom? You mean that I can’t compare to her too?"

Applebloom shrugs, she seemed totally ok with that part "Ah dunno, Anon, sounds good to me" She was hiding a little smirk....oho..really?

"seriously? You do know he's going to lose right?"

"Don't be so sure, Anon, we haven't beaten him yet. And he gets better every game" She explains

"C'mon! Let's play! Let's play! For honoooooorrr!" He cheers as he hops about

Alright, you'll play for those stakes...but "Alright fine, but if I win? No more of this honor stuff between me and Chrysalis, got it? You have to admit I'm better than her"

"Anon, ya can't make hi-" Applebloom felt that was too far. She hated Chrysalis, but she didn't want to upset her changeling puppers.

But Scrappy interrupts her as he quickly sets up the board and replies with a "DEAL!"

"Alright then" You look to Applebloom with a smirk "See? He knows what he wants...now then"

You sit yourself on the Luna side of the board, and tap at the pieces. High quality stuff. You felt like it was unbreakable and yet, at the same time, very delicate.

"Ok then. I control Celestia's forces...who should be my queen's forces..but ok. It means though, THAT I GO FIRST! HAHA!" He slowly pushes his rightmost pawn forward.

"Careful Scrappy, Anon might be good at this" Applebloom warns him

....Well, looks like you had zero support for this battle.

That's fine. "Well, I take my knight as my first move, and move him here! right above the pawn in front of the bishop. haha!"

And so the game was on.

You and Scrappy sweated every move. Plotted every plan.

Applebloom, stayed silent, keeping an eye on Scrappy's moves and silently cheering for him.

But....much to your dismay. You started to lose your foothold quickly.

You were drenched in sweat as Scrappy took piece after piece as you fell for every trap.

Until eventually...he beat you....in ten moves...not very long at all.

"NO WAY! IMPOSSIBLE!"

"YA DID IT SCRAPPY! YA BEAT ANON!" Applebloom cheered as she cuddles Scrappy from the back

"I DID! I DID! HONOR HAS BEEN BROUGHT BACK TO ALL I CARE ABOUT FOREVER! YAY!" He said in delight. hugging Applebloom back.

Oh hell no, you wouldn't accept this. Not from him. He had practice after all. When was the last time you played a game of chess. No, it was a fluke. "woah..woah! Hold on, this is two out of three. Remember?"

Both Applebloom and Scrappy stop as they look at you. confused.

"uhhhh, ah don't remember that" Applebloom states

"..Neither do I..d-did Anon say that?" Scrappy was getting worried. He didn't remember. And he didn't want to do anything to screw up his victory.

"I did...I guess nopony heard me. Soooo..." You take Celestia's pieces and form your army as you slide Luna's pieces to him "Time for round two, I'll use Celestia this time. Which means I go first"

"...somethin' don't seem right about this. You ain't being a sore loser, are ya Anon?" Applebloom narrows her eyes at you

"W-what? N-no...this is just...how I always do things..always"

..you big liar. whatever, it was just a fluke. You'd take victory this time. and it'd be legit.

"Don't worry, Master Applebloom. I dedicate this entire game to you!" Scrappy looks at you with pure determination on his face. A focus that was so fierce..it even scared you "I'll make you super proud"

"Ah know ya will Scrappy, tan his hide, ya hear?" Applebloom was full on rooting for Scrappy over you. tanning your hide?..ya know what? fine..bring it. You had this this time.

"Alright then, let's DO THIS!"

.......and it was over in two turns

Only two...you didn't know it was possible.

You moved your pawn in front of your bishop first, then your knight.

But Scrappy had moved his pawn in front of his king forward, then diagonally moved the queen all the way to the side of the board. Trapping your king...within two moves.

You couldn't say anything as Scrappy cheered.

Applebloom, also thought it was impossible. She felt absolutely sorry for you. She walked over to you, and gave you a gentle pat on your shoulder. "It's alright Anon, it was just...errr......well, the important thing is ya made Scrappy happy"

Scrappy was just hopping about, singing a song he just made up. "Glory for the queen! yeah yeah yeah! Honor for the master, Woo woo woo! Anon defeated, yay yay yay! But we're all still friends! Yeh Yeh Yeh!"

".....g-......-gh......" ...there...was....no...WAY!

You just looked at the board but...there it was.

Defeat.....in two moves.

It was actually possible

..and it happened to you. ".....So..I lost?"

"Looks that way, b-but it's ok. Ah think it's better this way. Yer still plenty smart....just not at chess..."

Ogh, her words were painful.

"Anon?" After he finished his song, he scampered over to you and gave you a hug "Don't worry, now that you know you can never be better than the queen or Master Applebloom, we can be even better friends. Don't be sad that you're not as good at scheming or planning as I am. You're still a good friend!"

......you hated you...that other you. He did this...so humiliating.

"Anon?...hello?" Scrappy tapped at your face.

But you were just so stunned

So...defeated

"Anon?" Applebloom started to worry about you.

.....

"....it's....fine. Good job Scrappy..." You say with a vacant expression.

"R-really! You're thanking me for beating you?" Scrappy was pretty excited, he didn't even notice your feelings or your tone. He was just happy to know you acknowledged your defeat. He was wagging his tail in delight.

"Y-yeah. Good job...erm...I'm gonna....I'm gonna go get ready for the party now" You say as you slowly get up and head towards the door.

"Anon...c'mon, are ya ok? yes or no" Applebloom felt uncomfortable letting you go in such a state

"w-wait..is something wrong with Anon?" Scrappy started to feel the cold hard defeat in you now that it was called to his attention. And he knew the one thing to fix it. "Anon, do you want hug time?"

"...I'm fine...really....." Two...moves.... "Just, don't worry..it's just a game. I'm glad you're happy Scrappy. You do a good job watching those animals...ok?"

"Can do Anon..but" He looked at you with big eyes "Are you sure you don't want hugs?"

"I'm sure..."

"Anon, c'mon. It was just a game. It ain't that bad" Applebloom felt bad, but at the same time, felt you were overreacting.

"I know...I'll get over it. I'll see you at the party, Applebloom."

It was clear Scrappy didn't have the full details of the party, or else he'd object.

As for you, you left on that note. But you didn't head anyplace in particular.

You walked off into the distance.

You looked up into the sky

and let it out… "I HATTTEEE YOOOUU SOOO MUCCCCHH OTHERRR MEEEE! SOOO DAMNNN MUCH!"

.....you felt slightly better after that. "...ok....time for Chrysalis"

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