• Published 21st Oct 2017
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Dadonequus Discord (Book 1) - CrazedLaughter

Discord makes a deal with an anonymous human. The human gets to live a good life in Equestria. And Discord? he gets to have a son of his own. Of course, his only reason is to impress Fluttershy and annoy Twilight.

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Chapter 114

Before you could give it another thought. Pinkie rushed up right to you and flipped you onto her back. Running like a rocket right to the gift table and dropping you off before you can even realize what happened. Fluttershy gets dumped off right next to you by the crowd, her eyes were swirling from all the bouncing and turning. And Discord, getting the hint, appears on your other side. Taking one more moment to wipe a tear.

"ALRIGHT NONNY, IT'S GIFT OPENING TIME! AREN'T YOU EXCITED?!" Pinkie yelled, almost in your ear. Geez, this was definitely one of her more "screechy" moments.

"Y-yeah, I just. I was on the stage just now and. Woah, and.." You were still adjusting from the crazy speed of being on stage to being in front of the table. You look over to Fluttershy. Lordy, she looked dizzy. "Aunt Fluttershy, you ok?"

"Everything is swirling, is the world supposed to be swirling?"

Yep, she was dizzy.

Discord, seeing his friend in distress. Placed his talon right on top of her head. The moment he did. The entire area shook, knocking down every pony to the ground. Even you. The only pony left standing was Fluttershy.

"Is that better my dear?" Discord asked Fluttershy, genuine concern in his voice.

"Oh yes, much better. Thank you but..." Fluttershy looked upon the crowd. "Why did everypony fall to the ground?"

You slowly get up, even though it was a small shake. It was enough to slip up the entire damn party. "I think he sent your dizziness straight into the ground, yeesh Dad. A little much?"

Before he could give you a convoluted answer, Pinkie jumped in the air with a cheer "WOOOO, WASN'T THAT AWESOME EVERYPONY! LET'S GIVE DISCORD A CHEER FOR REALLY GETTING THE PARTY SHAKING! LITERALLY!"

And as the guests stood up, they cheered and stamped their hooves in applause. This, however makes you facehoof.

"How does she do that?! You'd think with all the fun and cheer I'm capable of that ponies would be cheering just seeing me pass by." Discord was once again dumbstruck by Pinkie's showmanship.

"I don't know, I sometimes forget where I am when it comes to things like this. This would never happen in my world."

"Your world?" Fluttershy asked, listening in on the conversation, given she was right next to the both of you. Oh shit.

"He means the world inside his head" Discord chuckled nervously "Anon does have a nasty habit to sometimes see things too logically rather than accepting them how they are"

Good enough.

"Y-yeah, I just thought it was just a little silly that everypony applauded right after falling down."

Pinkie, hearing all this as well, jumps into the conversation. "Oh, I can tell you why that happened. The answer is really easy, so easy that you don't even need a brain. All you need is the will… to party"

Wut? "What do you mean?"

Pinkie tilted her head, she couldn't believe you just asked that "Are you serious Nonny? It's a party! There's no reason to be serious and boring. Unless it's an evil monster attacking, then anything that happens, happens. And if it's fun. Well, you just accept it. Come on, you didn't feel just a little excitement when Discord did that?"

"Well… it caught me off guard."

"And that's OK, because it caught everypony off guard and we all tripped and had a good time! It was like going down a rollercoaster! But instantly!" Pinkie grinned at you, hoping her explanation got through to you.

It sort of did. But not in the way she thought. You realized you were being a stick in the mud. It was probably because you also had on your mind that you let something you shouldn't slip. But it's fine, everything was covered. Just act natural. "Well, if you say so. It was kind of fun. So… err..what do I do now?"

Pinkie giggled at you "Silly Nonny, what do you think? It's gift opening time! Pick a gift, and open it! I bet each and every one of these are going to make you smile!"

"Oh..oh ok" You begin to grin. "That I can definitely do, let's see." The first box you notice is a white one with ribbons, the white wrapping painted with blue diamonds. It was like looking at an eyeless box Rarity. "How about this one first"

You grab it and pull it close to you, and right when you start to tear it open. Fluttershy whaps your hoof. Albiet, softly. "A-aunt Fluttershy? What's the matter?"

"Anon, you can't just open the gift. You have to read who it's from. Out loud. It's rude just to tear into the gift like that."

Discord nodded in agreement, but only because Fluttershy said it "Indeed, it is rude just to do that. You should know better Anon, mmm mmm, so disappointing"

You mutter to yourself internally. You got a little too greedy there, yeah. But come on, you just got caught up a little on getting gifts. "Sorry, ok ok. I got it now. Let's see, this one is from Rarity."

You look among the crowd, they wanted courtesy. Fine, you'd do it in spades. By calling out the pony that gave you the gift and having a friendly word with them. "HEY MISS RARITY! YOU THERE?!"

Rarity stepped up, being very careful not to bump into anyone "Right here darling, you needn't shout."

"Sorry, but hey. Thanks for the gift Rarity. That's really generous of you to get me one."

"Well don't thank me yet, go on, open it. Once you see what I got you, THEN you can be thrilled about it"

Well, you didn't know if you were going to be thrilled. Whatever was inside, you could bet it was an article of clothing. A coat? or maybe a hat? hrnn..

You open the gift, and pull out… A scarf. And not just any scarf, this was the softest, yet warmest scarf you ever felt. Geez, this was.. "This is..woah."

Your hooves already felt a gentle warmth just by touching them. It was enough to put you in a trance. Is this how other ponies felt like when they put on anything Rarity produced? You doubted even Discord could make something of this quality. Even with his magic.

You wrap it around your neck, and oooohhh lordy. It was sooooo warm. a natural warmth your bed wasn't even capable of making. "Rarity, this is the warmest and most snuggly thing I've ever felt. Thank you so much!"

Rarity smiled at you "Think nothing of it Anon. But you may want to take it off. It's not actually cold outside and you may overheat."

"I-I dunno, I feel fine, and I just want to keep it on. It's just feels… right." You couldn't even think of wearing anything back in your old world as comfy as this. This was otherworldly, and it was just a scarf.

Rarity wasn't going to fight you on this, but she was going to give you caution "Suit yourself Anon, but I did warn you. In anycase, I'm so glad you are enjoying my gift. And do remember to take good care of it, as it's meant to last a thousand fabulous winters.”

You will, you hoped anyway. You'd have to use the horn to probably make your dresser more secure. Yeah, if nothing else happens today. You could probably just do that at the end of the day. "I will, you can count on that. And thanks again ahrm..Miss Rarity"

Rarity laughed at the "Miss Rarity". "Relax Anon, it's a party. You don't need to call me Miss Rarity today, though it's greatly appreciated."

Right, yeah, party. Come on Anon, loosen up. LOOSEN UP. You'll get it right with the next gift. You’re a party guy, so act like it!

You bring up the next gift. This one was plain looking, just plain white with a cute little red bow on top. You didn't even need to tear this one open. It opened from the top. "Lesse, this one is from.."

Oh shit sweet! You always did want to give at least a shout out to this horse, she was pretty adorable. "Derpy! I wonder what's inside!" You acted as excited as possible. Though you did wonder what she could have gotten you.

"Ohh ohh! I know, it's a muffin!" The cute grey pegasus pony announced as she flew up in excitement. Her eyes as derped up as ever.

Still adorable though. Though, you did find it odd she'd announce the gift… before you opened it.

You open it up, and sure enough. It was a muffin. "Yeeeah, it's a muffin alright." You look to Derpy. "Thanks Derpy, and it's very nice to meet you. So, did you bake this muffin today? I notice it's got some stuff in it, Blueberry right?"

"Today?" Derpy put a hoof under her chin to think. "Today?...today...ohhhh!" Then she remembered, and cheerfully smiled at you. "I baked it a week ago and forgot it, and when I heard it was your birthday! I put it in a box and brought it over for you to enjoy! But… wait… erm..I don't remember putting blueberries in it. It's a plain muffin!"

...Wut? You look back at the muffin. Holy shit, that's not blueberry, that's fucking mold. "O-oh, th-thanks Derpy"

You slowly begin to put the top back on, but that only makes Derpy look on with confusion. "Anon, aren't you going to try it? It's reeeeeaaaallllyyy good"

Then, you hear Fluttershy whispering to you "A-anon, I-I saw the muffin. And I know… I know it's gone bad. But, just be nice and give it a nibble. Ok? It's the courteous thing to do"

Is she serious?! You whisper back to her. "Aunt Fluttershy, what if the mold is poisonous? It looks really bad"

"Oh Anon, I don't think it's pois-...DISCORD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

Fluttershy shrieked in surprise as Discord was licking at his talons, he had just eaten the entire muffin. Discord then looked upon Fluttershy, who went from surprised and to angry within a moment. Or as usual, as angry as she could get. "Discord! That was Anon's muffin!"

Discord shrugged "And? He wasn't going to eat it. And it looked delicious. Why, it even tasted delicious. You really missed out Anon" Discord looked to Derpy and clapped "Bravo Ditzy, the muffin was exquisite."

"A-actually, my name is Derpy. A-and I'm glad you liked it Mister Discord. But erm… Anon was supposed to eat it" You watched as Derpy frowned....oh god.. YOUR HEART. It was like seeing Fluttershy frown...but if she was a retard horse that never meant to do wrong ever.


And you knew exactly how… You point to a random direction. "Aunt Fluttershy look, it's a cute woodland creature!"

"Oh? where Anon? I really like cute woodland creatures" Fluttershy started looking around… works every time.

You rear up your right front hoof and punch Discord right in the gut. Making the WHOLE muffin pop out of his mouth.

However, you got overzealous. You caught the muffin in your mouth and bit off the entire top chunk. Your face started to turn green as you slowly chewed. "S-s--....oo....good....y-yum..."

Derpy, not realizing you punched Discord, but immediately noticing her muffin fly into your mouth. Deduced in her head that Discord hadn't really eaten it. And that you were enjoying, what it seemed to her, the best muffin ever.

"Oh, I guess Mister Discord didn't eat it after all." She then smiled wide, a big, heartwarming smile.

That made eating the muffin...almost worth it. It was worse than you could ever imagine. "Do you like it Anon?"

You look at her, holding in your puke, and force a grin. "B-best muffin, I-I ever had..."

Derpy did a spin in the air and clapped her hooves "Yay! I'm really really glad to hear that!"

You were glad that she was glad, because your stomach certainly wasn't. Dammit, now you wished that wouldn't have worked.

"Anon, why did you do that? You know all you had to do was ask and I would have pulled it out for you." Discord looked to you with a grin. He didn't really care, he found the fact that you bit more than you could chew absolutely hilarious.

"I overdid it, ugh. I didn't actually think that would work."

Fluttershy looked to you, she had not noticed at all what happened. Her mind was preoccupied with wanting to hug whatever woodland creature you saw. Afraid that the party may have startled it. "Anon, are you alright? Y-you're looking a little green… a-are you ok?"

"I-I'm fine, j-just anxious to move on to the next gift..."

"Oh… And Discord. Tomorrow, we need to talk about you taking things that don't belong to you. That was Anon's muffin, not yours."

Discord bowed his head in fake remorse "I'm so sorry Fluttershy, but do we really need to talk about it? I've learned my lesson already, honest. I feel oh so awful about taking the muffin. Truly I do"

"....well...ok...as long as you learned your lesson.." ...you couldn't believe Fluttershy had missed all that. Ugh, and your stomach was now killing you. Time for the next gift. And this one, was gold colored.

You reach for it, only for your hooves to clank on it. Oh holy shit, the box itself was made of actual fucking gold. You pull it close and read the tag, it had to be Filthy Rich's gift.

And you were right… Ugh… time to ham it up. "Amazing! this must be Mr. Rich's Gift, I wonder what's inside?"

You noticed Filthy Rich step up, smiling, head held up high. Oh, he was waiting. You open the gift, and pull out a box. It was… some kind of brand of horse shoes. you silently read it. "Invincishoes, horseshoes that will stand the tests of time and survive any trial. A product brought to you by Brawn co. a subsidiary of Barnyard Bargains"

Ok, got it. Let's go for broke. "Wow! Real, bonafide Invincishoes. I cannot believe that Mr.Rich, one of the nicest, most generous, and business savvy pony in Ponyville would get me such a thoughtful gift. Why, it truly reminds me that his company is capable of such wonderful and economy friendly items for anypony of any class. Gee whiz, I need to remember to shop smart and buy any product from Barnyard Bargains. They really make good stuff."

Ugh, you sounded so fake and hammy. But you knew ponies were easy to impress. Filthy Rich laughed heartily at your words, trying to act humble "Oh Mr. Anon, you're too much. I only try to keep prices down and manageable so anypony can afford the nicer things in life. I'm simply a business pony with a heart of gold. Yessiree"

...Oh… That was horrible. And it'd probably work too. You put the gift aside and move on to the next one. You slowly began to notice that Fluttershy, nor Discord had gotten you a gift. But… that was fine. You figured Discord wouldn't since he'd already given you so much. And as for Fluttershy, her company alone was the greatest gift she could give.

On to the next gift. "Next gift… lesse. Oh, this one's from." You look over and see the CMC, Diamond Tiara, and it seemed Silver Spoon had rejoined the group. "You guys..."

"Well duh, we did tell you we got you a gift, remember?" Scootaloo said, reminding you in a mocking way.

"Y-yeah, right. ok let's see what it is." You begin to open it

"You're gonna really like it Anon" Sweetie Belle said with squeaky excitement "Any colt that is ANY colt is gonna get jealous when you see what we got you."

"Ahrm, just remember that it was me who got daddy to order him all of the series two cards." Diamond said in a snooty tone, as if she was the major player in the gift.

"We remember, but we were the ones who found most of them rarer series one cards." Applebloom challenged back

Series one? Series two? Cards? The hell? "What are you girls talking about?"

"Well? Why don't you open it and see?" Scootaloo said, excitingly trying to move you along.

Hrn, well, you were curious. What could it be?

You open the gift, and inside was a small tin. Hmm… You take out the tin, and you look upon the fillies. Their eyes full of excitement and anxiousness. Waiting for you to give them praise for the gift you received.

You open up the tin, and in it were cards. But not just any cards. These were Power Pony Trading Cards. Just from that you were able to figure out what the "Series" talk meant. In truth, you didn't care too much about having them. You never planned to get into the series. But you did know trading cards, and you couldn't imagine collecting this many cards was an easy feat. No, Filthy Rich probably payed a good amount of bits for the series two cards. And you don't even want to imagine what the CMC did for what was "most" of Series one.

So you acted excited, and smiled. "Thanks girls, I really appreciate this. I can't imagine how hard it must of been to get all of these. I actually really like Filli-second and Saddle Rager. To me, they are top class heroes."

"I actually don't know any of the characters, but they said you'd really enjoy having those cards. And since apparently Series two was still out. I of course could get you the entire set. I'm really glad you like them Anon!" There went Diamond. Trying to gain your approval.

"And I actually do know the characters, so it was really easy to read up what the series one cards were and go around looking for them… It was just really hard to get them… well, except for the ones we got from Spike" Scootaloo said.

Yeah, of course he'd have some. You could even guess how they bribed him out of the cards. "Let me guess, you offered him a huge amount of gems."

Sweetie Belle nodded "Yup, and that was actually thanks to me. I guess a little of my sister's gem hunting skills rubbed off on me! We found enough for Spike to give up his cards."

Hmmnn..it was all making sense. But then you wondered what Applebloom did. "What did you do Applebloom?"

"Well, actually… not much. But ah kept what cards we got all organized. So we didn't end up going for repeats and stuff. Ahm just sad we couldn't get all of the first series cards. They just don't sell them anymore." Applebloom felt disappointed in herself, she felt she could have done more to help than just organizing and cataloging

Awwww, poor girl. "Well, I appreciate what you did. I know a thing or two about trading cards and it's really annoying when you forget you had a card and you trade one of your good ones for what you remember later to be a repeat. I think you did a good job, you all did." And of course, that brought many a smile to their faces.

"Awww, Anon" Fluttershy gave you a gentle hug "That was very sweet of you to say"

"Well, it's the truth. Trading cards can be pretty serious business. The teamwork to get me this many cards so quickly just tells me how dedicated they can be. I super appreciate it. Thanks girls."

"You're welcome!" they all cheered in reply.

And with that, you went through the few gifts that were left. A Bowler cap from Lyra and Bon Bon. Probably as thanks for the ribbons you got them for their hats. a super mini party cannon from Pinkie Pie, that actually worked. And a box of assorted chocolates from the cakes, and even a pencil set from Cheerilee. And after a few miscellaneous gifts. You finally came upon… "What the...?"

This last gift, didn't have a tag on it. Did it fall off? You held it up. And called for it's owner. "Hey, does Anypony know anything about this box?"

They shook their head, and no one seemed to know where it came from. Not even Pinkie. "Hrn… Well, thanks whoever you are..hmm.."

You open it up, and it was empty… save for a single card… which it too… was empty. "...what the?" You pick it up, and look on the other side. Nothing. ".....what? What kind of gift is this?"

Fluttershy looked at it, confused as well "Erm, normally I would have said something about you… saying that. But..You're right. This gift doesn't make any sense… Discord, is this from you? As a joke?"

Discord shook his head "No, there's nothing about an empty card I'd find funny. Not unless it actually did something."

Pinkie however, took an interest and moved closer to it "Ooooohhh, I think I know what it might be"

"You do Ponk? What do you think it is?" You asked

"It could be one of those cards that you splash with warm water to make words appear. Or it could be some sort of treasure map instead! Oh wow! This could be the start of a gift that might be super huge!"

Warm water huh? You knew about stuff like that. You'd have to test that after the party. You slip the card into your saddle bag. And then face the crowd. "Hey everypony, thank you, really. For the party and the gifts. I really appreciate it."

"Hey Nonny, don't thank us all for the party just yet. There's still one more thing left to do!" Pinkie said, her grin turning wider and wider. Her body shaking.

What else could there be? "What's left?" You look up, it was already getting dark. "I mean, it is becoming night time."

"Exactly, now is the perfect time for one last surprise! Wait right there! And.." Pinkie grabbed the microphone and announced loudly "EVERYPONY LOOK STRAIGHT UP!"

And so they did, even you did. And all there was was empty sky. Stars appearing as the moon began to rise.

Pinkie snuck off to the stage, and pulled the rope...

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