• Published 21st Oct 2017
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Dadonequus Discord (Book 1) - CrazedLaughter



Discord makes a deal with an anonymous human. The human gets to live a good life in Equestria. And Discord? he gets to have a son of his own. Of course, his only reason is to impress Fluttershy and annoy Twilight.

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Chapter 27

What a disaster. You felt like one of those stupid adult villains from an idiotic kids movie where a kid outsmarts them easily. The problem was you were outsmarted by what is essentially a villain. And the only last card you had to play was a near literal "wild card". And that was assuming you could actually play it.

"Now then, let's see. Today I'd like a vanilla,chocolate,strawberry,raspberry, sherbet topped ice cream with sprinkles on them. Lots of sprinkles..."
Diamond Tiara led you inside as she continued her order "With a large sugar cone with delicious cream in the middle. I also want a cherry on top of the ice cream"

you groan
"Anything else princess? Or should we just see if we have enough to buy the shop while we're at it"

Diamond Tiara giggled at the thought "Oh I tried to have daddy buy it for me once. But he said some dumb stuff about how it'd be bad for business and something about consumer view. I don't know what he talks about sometimes, it's just an ice cream shop after all. Now...chop chop, I'm getting impatient"

You roll your eyes as you speak to the cashier about Diamond Tiara's ice cream. You somehow managed to remember the order. But when it came down to pay. It turned out to be more expensive than you realized as it takes nearly all the bits from the bag to pay for it.
"Geez..."
You look back at Diamond Tiara
"You don't suppose I can at least get something from here to try to fill me up, do you?"

Diamond Tiara huffed "Fine..."

You show the cashier pony the rest of the money in the bag and ask what you could get with this. She offers you at best a normal medium cone, single scoop chocolate or vanilla ice cream. You take the chocolate, at least it was something.
You had a feeling the money you had wasn't meant for extravagant orders and was meant to keep things simple. If that was the case, well....so much for that.

You both take your ice creams and find a table to sit at. Diamond Tiara immediately starts licking and enjoying her ice cream while you take slow licks at yours. You were too bothered by the situation to actually enjoy it.

She was too ready. The plan too perfect. all brought about by her selfishness. And yet she didn't care who she hurt. She was just happily enjoying her ice cream. Meanwhile you can tell her little friend was just a stooge.
As much as you'd like to threaten Silver Spoon. You know word would eventually get out if you did. Even if she were to comply to get rid of the pictures, Somepony could still find out that you threatened her to do it. This world always seemed to have a convenient eavesdropper from time to time.

"See? Wasn't this worth it Anon? You get to enjoy a delicious ice cream and get to be seen with me. You're almost a rag to riches story.......almost" Diamond giggled

You slump on the table and put your head on down on it.
"Why me...?"



"Think of it as a lesson for getting in my way. And think of it as a blessing that you get to be in my company. Every other loser doesn't get any privileges like this."

You say nothing. She was still going on and on about just how great it was to be with her. At this point she was just drilling it into your head. Now you just wanted to go home. You didn’t even feel like eating your ice cream anymore, despite your hunger.

Diamond Tiara looked at you, she seemed confused that you'd just lay there and not even finish your ice cream "I thought you were hungry?"

"Not anymore"

"What a waste. Why did you get an ice cream if you weren't going to eat it."

Patience.....thinning
"Too depressed to eat."

"Depressed? How can you be? I could have said no on the ice cream and let you sit there. I was being nice to you, and you go and waste my good will" She says with great annoyance to your actions

You don't look at her, you don't really reply to her, you just say..
"Can I just take you home after this. I just want to go home, you have single handily ruined my entire experience"

"Home? But theres still some things we can do"

"How? Were already out of money"

"There are other ways we can enjoy ourselves. Let me ask you something, since your father is Discord...and for whatever reason...he has contact with Princess Twilight. Would that also mean you know her? Or has he not let you meet her?"

for..fucks sake...You decide to lie.
"No, I haven't met her"

Diamond Tiara started to nibble on her cone, as she giggled at your answer "Now we both know that's not true. I've heard Discord, when he was talking to daddy in setting this up, brag about how he's such "high" in status that he got some royal approval of showing you off to both Princess Celestia and Princess Twilight."

you turn your head slightly from your hunched position to look at her with tired frustrated eyes
"Then why did you ask me then?"

"Just wanted to see if you'd lie to me, now that I know you're a little liar, I'll just have to remember enough of what you say to point out any contradictions in case you need...help remembering the truth"


what?
"And what do you mean by that?"

Diamond Tiara finishes her ice cream cone and hops off her chair. Your ice cream had already melted onto your hoof and inside the cone. "That's nothing for you to worry about Anon. But you should worry about your ice cream. It's already melted and made your little hoof all dirty." She snickered

You didn't even notice. Your hoof wasn't like a hand. It was tough and hard, your old hands were soft and squishy. You pop the cone into your mouth and start licking the chocolate from your hoof.

Diamond Tiara gagged "gross, you may look better than most colts but your manners are totally awful"

"Unless you want me to wipe it on your face, this is how I'm doing it"

"Watch it Anon, or else"

You grumble and stay silent. And finish your cleaning. When you are done, Diamond Tiara demands you to take her to Twilight's castle. You didn't even need the map for this one. It stuck out like a sore thumb.

Diamond Tiara wasn't all too talkative during the walk, she wasn't even rubbing up on you anymore. No, instead she was getting excited. She was going to be able to spend some one on one time with Twilight Sparkle.....hurrah.....

You both arrive at the castle doors. No guards of course. It didn't seem Twilight's style. You step up, and knock at them as loud as you can.

after a few moments, the door slightly opens, and a familiar purple dragon, small in size, answers the door.
"Who is it?"
It was Spike, Twilight's number one assistant.

You hadn't met him yet. In fact, you wondered if he even knew about you yet or if Twilight hadn't bothered mentioning.

"Heya..it's ummm..two kids wanting to meet up with Princess Twilight Sparkle, is she in right now?" You say with purposeful false ignorance

Spike raised his eyebrow, cautious and wary of you "Yeah....but she's not seeing anypony at the moment. She's busy planning for the Friendship Festival"

You smile, haha. that's good. Now you didn't have to deal with this.
"Oh, welp, thanks bro, seeya later"

You quickly wave to Spike as you turn around. But Diamond Tiara, still facing you. Looks at you with contempt "That's it? You're just going to walk away?"

"You heard him, she's busy."


"Anon, if I don't get to see Princess Twilight Sparkle, I'm going to cry and go all the way home without you....now turn around and convince that stupid dragon to let us in."

oh you wish you had some Tylenol, this was getting to be too much.
You turn around and call to Spike as he was closing the door.
"W-wait, hold on"

Spike stops for a moment, but only to tell you "Look bro, Twilight is super busy and can't see anypony for any reason. I'm not letting you in."

"But...uh....ummm"
Come on Anon...think of something.
"umm..I'm....ahh...ahmm...I'm a special case."

Spike just gave you a stoic stare
"No, you're a nutcase for thinking I'm just going to let you in"

"No, what I mean is that I'm the orphan my dad Discord brought over to see Twilight a few days ago.. I just......wanted to talk to her about....something...about...that...thing"

Suddenly, Spike became interested as he opened the door wider,
"Woah...so you're that Anon kid? Man, sorry to hear who adopted you, that's gotta be rough. If you came to tell Twilight about anything he's been doing that's wrong...thennnn..I guess I can let you in"
Yes! it worked!
"But just you, I can't just let anypony in here. She's gonna have to wait out here. You understand. It's ummm...castle rules, you know?" Spike continued

You didn't even have to turn around to know she was probably upset. oh nope, you really didn't. Because now she was at Spike's face.
"Anypony?! You listen here you lit-!"

You immediately clasp your hooves on her muzzle, you do it with more than enough force to actually make her squeal in pain. You then look at Spike and chuckle nervously
"aha, sorry about that. I've been dragging her along all day telling her my problems and she's not really in the best of moods, you understand how it is. Can't you let her in just this once? It'd probably lift her mood a little"

"If she's that angry over just you talking to her....yikes..I guess I can. Just try not to bother Twilight too much,huh? She's already busy as is."

You nod
"Gotcha"

Spike opens the doors wide for you and points down the hallway to another set of doors "She's in the throne..map....uhh...room...we haven't really come up with a name for it yet. But she's in there"

You nod and thank Spike, and step on in. Diamond Tiara not saying a word as she rubs her muzzle.

Spike, you noticed, seemed to have a large bag. probably with bits. And a list. It seems he was going to go out anyway to pick up whatever was on that list. It was probably for Twilight. Because as you both stepped in, He stepped out, only stopping to tell you both to lock the front doors before you leave.



As Spike leaves, Diamond Tiara turns to you, her face scrunched up from pain and annoyance. "Did you have to do that so hard? You hurt me"

"Yeah well, if I didn't stop you, you'd probably get us both denied from stepping a single hoof inside. You should be thanking me"

"hmph, whatever"

you both reach the doors. Before you knock. You look at Diamond Tiara
"Look, you need to be respectful, ok? I really don't want to upset Twilight. I don't even want to be here"

Diamond Tiara gave your head a little pat "Don't worry Anon, I'll make you look good in front of her. Think of it as a present for not screwing this up. I'd probably do more but...you did hurt my face after all."

you knock, annoyed with her words of "generosity"
"Just please...don't make me look bad."

"I won't"

as you wondered how true that statement was. You can hear Twilight calling out.
"Spike, is that you? Did you forget something?"

You call back, through the door
"U-ummm, Princess Twilight, It's me, Anon...can I come in?"

Suddenly, her voice became frantic "A-Anon?! G-give me a moment! Don't come in!"

Suddenly you can hear rustling and bustling coming from the other side of the door.
What was all that about? Even Diamond Tiara looked confused.
After a bit, Twilight calls you into the room. And as you both step inside. You can see a pile of diagrams, scrolls, books, and even some dioramas littered around the room. All of them were glowing red.
Twilight rushed up to the both of you, and instead of greeting you, she frantically looked behind the door you both came through. and then bobbed her head every which way
"Anon..where's Discord, I don't see him"

"Umm...he's not with me. Is something the matter?"

"What?! no no.." Twilight takes a breath to calm herself as her horn starts to glow, making the red aura around the dispersed items disappear. .."Was just wondering....Wait,what are you doing here Anon? Is something the matter?"

You shake your head, and smile fakely. With as many fake smiles as you've been giving. You wonder if Pinkie had some sort of smile radar, and if it broke yet.
"Nope nothing's the matter. everything is just-"

Suddenly, in a burst of excitement, Diamond Tiara takes the opportunity to jump in. "Princess Twilight! It's so so so good to meet you face to face! I'm Diamond Tiara, but you already knew that right?!"

Twilight was confused, unsure why you brought along a guest. She was too busy to deal with a regular visit. She thought this was important "Oh...umm..Hello! You're Filthy Rich's daughter right?"

She nodded joyously "mhmmmm! It makes me really glad to know that you remember me! There's so many things I want to ask you!"

Good grief, she was star struck as hell. It was embarrassing given Twilight herself didn't want to seem to deal with it.

"Well..uhh" Twilight could tell she was ecstatic to meet her, but she really didn't have the time "I'm so glad...but, look. I'm really really sorry but I'm really busy planning for the Friendship Festival and unless it's reeeallllllllllllly important. Then it's gonna have to be some other time."

You'd think that'd be it. But Diamond Tiara just gaily hopped over to some of the scrolls and started looking at them "Well that's no problem! Maybe I can help, or get my daddy to help! I could be your assistant!"

Twilight used her magic to move the scrolls away from Diamond Tiara and sighed "I already have an assistant. Again, I'm sorry" Then Twilight turned to you "Anon, is something the matter? I assume you gave Spike a good reason to let you in. I'm very busy"

oh...ho...everything was the matter. You could probably just blurt out everything right now. But then it'd be he says, she says. And you felt you didn't have Twilight's full understanding. She'd probably only really listen to you if it was about Discord.
"I just..uhhh...wanted to see you. And I brought a friend a long. I mean...I dunno a lot of ponies...I guess I just wanted to see if you wanted to hang out..or something."
You pouted at her. It was the best you had. You didn't want the situation to get critical. Though you slowly started to realize you weren't much better than Discord or Diamond Tiara in the lying department. You'd really have to keep track of things to make sure everything fits. Eventually you'd have to pop out of the habit once things become more normal for you.

Twilight bit her lip, she felt bad considering your "status" as an adopted orphan. "Anon...I'm really sorry. But I really am busy. But, I do have some business to attend to tomorrow with your father. I could free up a little free time if you want to hang out that badly. But, you really need to get more friends your own age..." She looks over to Diamond Tiara for a moment, noticing she was already grabbing a few other scrolls to look at them. She moves over in to whisper to you "I'd suggest a filly named Applebloom and her friends, you'd fit right in. Because she seems more interested in me than you"

Right...you were already "in" with them. Looks like this visit was about to be over.
"Ok, I'll..umm..do that"

Diamond Tiara took notice that Twilight was talking to you more than her and walked up to you both, annoyed "Princess Twilight, come on! we have planning to do!"

Twilight turned to her, Diamond was obviously not listening to the nice way she was saying "Get out"
"Ms.Tiara, I know you really want to help me. But I already have an assistant and friends who are helping me with this. It's very important I get this all worked out so this festival can happen. It's for the benefits of Ponies and Griffons and yaks and everypony else everywhere that this all get done in time. But maybe, if you're really good. Then maybe I can take you on as a temporary assistant for my next project, is that alright?"

Diamond Tiara stomped her hoof and whined "But I want to help you with this! This is gonna be the biggest thing ever and I want to be a part of it!"

Twilight started to get a little annoyed with her "I'm sorry. But this isn't about status. It's about how important friendships are."

"What, who cares about that?!" Diamond barked

Twilight, taking immediate offense to that, Went into one of her usual spiels about the importance of love and friendship. She found Diamond's comment very rude.
Not wanting to seem like you were in anyway in agreeance with DT. You clap your hooves and root for friendship at the end of Twilight's speech. Diamond Tiara however, still thought it was pretty dumb. But, instead of saying so, she just looked in fake wonderment and said "oooooooooohhhh"

Twilight smiled, relieved that she may have understood "Do you understand now why it's so important?"

Diamond Tiara nodded "uh huh! That's why I really REALLY think you should take me on as an assistant. I'm sure my daddy could help fund anything extra you may need"

Twilight's smile instantly flashed into that of aggravation and disappointment. She walked up between the two of you and focused her magic until all three of you were teleported outside.
both you and DT were disoriented enough for Twilight to slip to the door and say quickly "I appreciate the offer but I'm handling it quite fine, please have a good day and Anon I'll see you tomorrow." And then she slammed and locked the door.

Diamond Tiara was shocked, shocked that someone like her would be turned away by a princess. "Wha-ho-wh-HOW COULD SHE JUST DO THAT TO ME?! ME! DIAMOND TIARA!"

You smiled, at least you get to have something good happen to you throughout all this. She just got utterly denied while you still get an invite.

She then turned to you, furious "AND THEN YOU, HOW DO YOU GET TO VISIT AGAIN WHILE I DON'T?!"

You look up in the sky, and turn your smile to that of neutrality. You didn't need her to notice you were savoring this.
"Hey, it's just business. My dad is pretty big time. I'm sure the reason she wants to see me is over some official stuff."

Diamond Tiara started to dig her right hoof into the dirt, upset and angered "I can't believe she'd just turn me away after I told her I could guarantee her extra funding. GRRRRRR. IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY!"

You shrug, looking at the sun's position, it was already starting to go down
"Well, I did my best to get you in there. So don't blame me. Because if it wasn't for me, you wouldn't even have had the chance to see her. So are we squares for now? Because I really should be taking you home."

Diamond Tiara looked up, and noticed the sun's position as well. She then turned to you with a scowl. "You're lucky she at least offered me something, or else you'd be toast......take me home.."

Oh, you were sure after that display that Twilight wasn't going to have her help with any other projects either. But whatever, she was finally being compliant enough to give you a free pass with the plus that today was finally over.
You both return to the manor, not much more talking to be done, as she was still muttering about being rejected by Twilight.
when you both arrive and knock on the door. It isn't Filthy Rich but one of his maids who answer the door this time....oh holy crap. She was a cutie. A long black mane with grey fur and sapphire eyes. and that pseudo french accent and outfit...unf..

She tells you you are allowed inside for a snack under Rich's orders. It seems he was out at the moment on some business of his own and wouldn't return until nightfall. Just as well, Diamond had already confirmed you were squarsies for now. Which hopefully she'd take to her word. And you didn't really want to go inside anyway. You were just...done with the day. Doesn't stop you from giving the maid a lusty eye. And although you wanted to bang her, you declined her offer for snacks just to make sure you didn't have to deal with any more nonsense.

With your response, she took Diamond Tiara inside, and wished you a good evening and a safe trip back home. Diamond taking the time to whisper to you about how she has you due to those pictures before disappearing behind the door.

You were alone now....or were you?
"Well now, that little go around went all over the place now didn't it? I'm very disappointed in you Anon, how could you lose control over the situation like that? All that extra brain power and you folded like a bad hand of poker. For shame."

you can hear a ringing inside your ear, that was Discord's voice. But where was he?
"Discord?"

"Then again, hanging inside here the whole time, I could very well be mistaken on the word "extra"...or “brain power” for that matter "

You looked around, but you couldn't spot him. But it seems...he was hanging around the whole time.

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