• Published 21st Oct 2017
  • 10,517 Views, 2,803 Comments

Dadonequus Discord (Book 1) - CrazedLaughter



Discord makes a deal with an anonymous human. The human gets to live a good life in Equestria. And Discord? he gets to have a son of his own. Of course, his only reason is to impress Fluttershy and annoy Twilight.

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Chapter 129

You both left the bathing room and the room before it back to the corridor. Discord looked down at you, with doubt and suspicion in his eyes "What was that Anon?"

The hell he talking about? "What was what?"

"That! cuddling with the enemy. How am I supposed to trust you as my partner when you can be so easily entranced by the wiles of a princess?"

Oh hell no, he was the one who tempted you in the first place. "Hey! Don't even! You're the one who was like "Look Anon, naked ponies, woo woo". So don't. And besides, I never said I was NOT on your side. I did say we would take them down."

"And can you, Anon?" Discord gives you one of the hardest, deepest stares he's ever given you as his voice became dark and serious "Can you pull the trigger, Anon? If Celestia was right there, pleading for her well being, would you do it? Would you toss that worm filled pie into her face?"

..Oh..oh geez, you almost thought he was talking about a gun. "If it was part of the competition...and if it scared her. Then yes, because Discord. We're partners. You and me....even if you're a gigantic douchebag."

"What if she was cuddling you? Hugging you, trying to get you on her side through that affection you seem to love so much. What then?"

If it was still in competition. Then it'd be obvious Celestia was just trying to turn you against him. "Then I dunno, I'd turn myself into Leprechaun"

That actually confused Discord "What now?"

"It's this freaky, ugly little midget that kills people to get his gold back. But you know, I'd be all pony about it. I promise. To any pony in this world. It'd be one of the scariest things in the world."

Discord pondered, then made your horn appear in front of you. He wanted to see this. "Show me, and don't worry about wasting today's charge. This is of course, a freebie"

Hah....this might actually be fun. For even getting a shot of what's to come already put you in a better mood. You slap on the horn, and concentrate. Turning into a horrible, dry skinned pony, with no coat, just skin. You had a green tunic, leggings, curled horseshoes, and a green hat with a little golden buckle. Your teeth were sharp and yellow, your breath wreaked the foulest stench, and your eyes were cruel and beady. Your tail had larger than average flies flying around it. And your voice… "Top of da mornin' to ya Discord, can't wait to be workin' with ya to scare some princessy welps."

Discord could see boils, and even a few holes in your skin, and they were.....beating, and letting out pus. He found it disgusting, foul, and twisted. He loved it. "Well now, that certainly is quite gruesome."

You give him a cruel toothy grin. "This ain't nothin boyo. The horrors of the world of humans awaits all who challenges us."

Discord loved the sound of that. He started to rub his talons and paw together. "Well then, perhaps I was too quick to judge after all. Ohhh...I knew I picked the right partner. Go on Anon, I want to see one of your better horrors. " Discord snaps his talons, making your horn glow for a second. "Another charge for another horror. Show me what you got."

Discord looked pretty damn excited. Made you feel pretty good that he was actually eager to see what you had to give to the cause. Let's see...ahhh. You got one, it might even get him.
you point ahead, down the other end of the corridor. "Well my chaotic friend, just have a peek, let's just hope you don't spring a leak"

Discord looked to where you were pointing. as a familiar face turned the corner and spoke in a gentle voice. "Hello Discord, Anon, how are you doing today?" It was Fluttershy...oh boy..nehehehe, it was Fluttershy.

But Discord looked unamused. "I...wouldn't say Fluttershy was terrifying Anon, perhaps...adorable. But nothing to write home about."

"I'm not...terrifying? But Discord" Fluttershy's voice started to slowly warp, as one of her eyes fell in backwards. "I thought we were friends...why did you have to say such a mean thing?" Her mouth started to break and widen, as some of her coat fell off. Her forehead started to tear through the middle as goop and tentacles started to reach towards Discord. "Discord...come..let's be friends...together...forever."

Discord rolled his eyes, snapping his talons to make the horrible figment of Fluttershy go away. "I'll give you this Anon, Nopony would ever...EVER..be able to look at that and have good dreams ever again. But if you EVER use Fluttershy for any kind of example again. I'll show you what real terror is...do you understand me?"

Oy geez, cripes. You were just making a pony version of the "thing". You didn't know he'd actually get upset. Mission accomplished though....you guessed.

As you change back, you look at Discord in a way to suggest to calm down. You meant nothing by what you did. "Alright, geez. I was just doing what you said."

"I know" Discord zaps the horn away "Just the same, I expect some professionalism in the chaos you wreak."

.....Right. "And by that, you mean anything goes aside from making Fluttershy look bad, right? What about me?"

"Anon, I like you, I really do. But I have too many friends to try to defend altogether. Priorities need to be set."

WHAT?! "You only have two best friends. Me and Fl...ahh forget it. You're just going to give me a bullshit reason. Whatever, it's fine. It's just you being you."

Discord picks you up and gives you a pat on the head as he smiles at you. "Oh come on Anon, don't be boring.You know I mean what I say with the deepest and most sincerest feeling in my heart." He hugs you close, gently, as he strokes his talons softly through your mane. "Come on, lighten up...I know you like affection~"

.....You grumbled. Him doing it didn't even have near the same effect as Chrysalis or Celestia. "Yeah yeah, whatever"

"Anon, Discord, you may come back in!" That was Luna, using her Royal Canterlot Voice to beckon the both of you through the door. Geez, that shit really was loud.

"Ahh finally, let's go see what restrictions they've come up with" Discord just straight up drops you as he heads back to the princesses.

You check yourself to see if you were in normal form. You could feel your coat. no pus, no holes. Yeah, you were back to your normal self. You were still a little sore though. You wish Discord would be more consistent like everyone else you knew. He was the only one who treated you with varying degrees of friendliness. And it was always jarring. But it's fine, you had bigger fish to fry..even if they were nice and gentle, beautiful fish. You follow Discord in.

"So then, Have you both decided on your rules? I'm very eager to hear them. The harsher, the better. It only serves to make my victory that much sweeter." Discord was already loving this before they even spoke a word.

"We each have a rule. Rules we expect to be followed to the letter. No tricks, or you will be considered an enemy of Equestria once again." Luna said, in a commanding voice, fit for a leader.

Celestia turned her head to her sister and shook it.

"Hmm?..Oh" Luna realized she went too far. "...I meant you will be considered the loser, and will be shamed in even your own art. We shall even base a day off of it."

Celestia turns her head to Luna again, and shakes her head.

Luna sighs, she just wanted something to humiliate Discord in the way he humiliated the both of them long ago. Also for his treason. She wasn't exactly over it. Luna had trouble getting over things. "...then we shall just declare you the loser, and laugh."

Celestia turns her head again...and this time nods.

"I'd be shivering from the utter shock of losing if it was actually a possibility. Now then, the rules please?" Discord was so ready. These two rules must be pretty big ones.

"First, my rule. It is clear that you have the power to avoid and deflect any trap or prank we play on you. In fact, I'd wager my rulership that even if you fell into one. That it wouldn't phase you. Am I correct to think this?"

Discord gave her a gentle but mocking grin. "Oh don't sell yourself short Luna, you two might come up with.......something."

Luna let out a soft and annoyed "mmm". She definitely did not tolerate his taunting as much as Celestia. "No, you will play on a level equal to our own. You are...before entering our castle...to leave your magical power outside the door. You are only to have enough to be able to set up your own pranks and manifestations. Are we clear? Because we'll know if you cheat."

Discord smirked and shrugged "Of course I can follow that rule. I don't need ALL my power to defeat the likes of you two."

"Outside the door Discord. I will not tolerate your shenanigans should you cheat. Do I make myself absolutely clear?" Luna wanted to be sure.

Discord bowed in false respect "Of course your majesty, as you wish" he let out a soft snicker before looking to Celestia. "And your rule? Princess Celestia?"

Celestia looked to you as she spoke. "Actually, this one is more for Anon. I'd like for him to wear his costume he plans to wear for Nightmare Night. Which of course, for him to even enjoy Nightmare Night. This challenge would have to occur during the day."

Your costume? You sort of decided on Dante...sorta. You weren't finalized on it yet. But why did she care to see it? How is that even a rule? "Ummm, why?"

"You can say that I'm curious...as to the kind of costume a colt like you would wear." Celestia was smiling at you, a sweet motherly smile. And for once, it was unsettling. She didn't even say it was "because it's cute" Maybe she was messing with you, trying to embarrass you. That'd be kind of low if she did.

Whatever, it was a day to wear costumes anyway. So why not. "Alright, no problem."

"Good...now, Discord. If you'd like to impose any special rules on us. We'd like to hear it. It's only fair"

What? That's it. You expected a forgotten slip of them wanting to make sure he couldn't cheat. Or perhaps something more about you. Hmmmm. Guess you're off the hook on that.

Discord chuckled cruelly to himself "Only fair she says..." Discord then looked over to both princesses and brushed back his own mane..hair..whatever. with his paw and acted benevolent. "Do not worry Princesses, I do not wish to impose any rules other than the ones stated. You two could try whatever you wish to defeat us. The only thing I can even think of adding is also, if you leave the castle...for any reason..at any point...you lose. And I win"

Mnnn… You smack Discord on his side. "..Oh right..yes..we win" Discord rolled his eyes. It was all relative...to him.

"You may be as arrogant as you wish. That does not mean anything to me. And since your business is over now. We'd like it if you leave so we can finish our bath." Luna pretty much demanded this, she wanted her private time.

"Very well your royal highness, I Discord, your humble peasant shall be on his leave. Come along Anon, you have to get back to school"

Fuck..yeah thats right. You were only on recess. You hoped that you didn't over do it. You go to follow Discord, and as you do, you hear Celestia call out. "Wait! Why not let Anon stay with us for a little bit. I'm sure he'd have more fun with us than boring old school."

Before anyone could react. Luna is actually the first one. "SISTER! How could you?! you know a colt's education is important! You should definitely know this, you have a school of your own you know. I don't even need to mention Princess Twilight Sparkle."

Discord actually agreed, moreso the fact that he didn't want you alone with Celestia. He felt she would corrupt you. "I agree, Anon's lessons are EXTREMELY important. He doesn't have time to lounge about and get wet."

"Well you two, I think it should be Anon's decision. I've gotten a few interesting letters about him. And yet had only had a chance to meet him once. I think the "hero colt" deserves an audience with the princesses. Don't you think?" Celestia asks.

Luna shakes her head. "An education is more important than a meeting with us. Perhaps after the battle." Luna says. Huh, she was pretty old fashioned in that stance.

"And me being his father, I take away that choice. Luna is right Celestia, listen to your sister."

Something was striking you as odd. Celestia doesn't do things unless she has a reason. Or at least, that’s how you remember it. You also remember her being a bit of a troll. As much as you'd enjoy her affections. You had something, almost like a whisper from your own mind, telling you to avoid it for now.

"Yeah...I should be heading back. But yeah, I mean. I wouldn't mind talking with you after the battle. umm.."
You bow in good measure. "Princess Celestia"

Luna smiled at you "I like this colt, despite being Discord's son. He actually has manners. Perhaps he should be the one teaching you to be an adult, Discord"

Discord reacted for just a second, his expression twisted in anger, but he turned around, and cleared his throat. "Don't say such things Luna, since you'll be crying like a little filly when we're done with you. Remember that Anon is on my side..."

"You need not remind me whose side your son is on. I'm actually glad to hear that he remains loyal to you and seems to be well taken care of. Or perhaps.." Luna smirks "He's taking care of you instead. Are you having trouble adjusting to harmony and order, Discord?"

Discord does his best not to let it get to him, but he was still facing away "I'm doing just fine...thank you very much. Come on Anon, we're leaving."

Ogh, Luna and Discord together was not a good thing. They seemed to bring out the worst in eachother. Luna seemed pretty fine regardless. She was playing a game with her sister afterall, before you arrived that is.

"Ok..umm.." You go to the edge of the bath and bow. "Thank you for your time Princess Luna, Princess Celestia. We'll see you tomorrow, and good luck"

"And good luck to you Anon....and to your father as well...I suppose." Luna said.

"Indeed, don't go into this thinking it'll be easy Anon. Just because we're mares doesn't mean we're pushovers. It might surprise you, But my sister's trickery can be pretty legendary." Celestia commented

"Oh? Really?" Luna nodded. "I don't mean to sound arrogant, but once upon a time, my kinds of tricks we're renowned all across the kingdom. And...hey!"

Discord grabbed you. "Let's go Anon, you don't need to hear this nonsense. It's all relative anyway"

You didn't even get a chance to say anything, nor did Luna. He just teleports back to your room. Not even to the school. And let's you go. And you give him a mean look, you weren't happy. "What's wrong with you? You're acting butthurt over nothing. Seriously, why do you got to be a jackass?"

"I am not "butthurt". Can't you see what they're doing?"

You raise an eyebrow. "You mean being friendly and just giving us a little bit of a hard time because we just barged into their bath time to issue them a challenge? Yeah, it's reaaaallllllyyy unsettling." You were being sarcastic.

"Anon, they are trying to get under my skin. They are trying to make you lower your guard. It's all a trick! They are trying to sound better than I am. They are using their mind games to try to tear us apart."

Oh holy shit...he was serious. Oh my god. He was being a dumbass. This was "Treehugger rawr" tier. You didn't think you'd ever actually see him like this outside of that. "Discord, they already got under your skin. You're overreacting over NOTHING. All because of a title that you didn't even know they had until you snooped in their journal. Which they could have made up for all you know."

"But it's an IMPORTANT title. One that should only belong to meeeee!" Discord said, he was upset. He really didn't want to lose. His cool and arrogant demeanor shattered. Doesn't help that he was being selfish.

You start rubbing your temples. "...Discord, I'm on your side. one hundred percent. I'm not going to lose because Celestia turns on the charm or anything. I'll do my best to help you win. But for the love of..something. Stop being a twat. Because if we end up losing, it'll be your fault for sperging."

Discord picks you up and stares at you with crazy eyes, then begins to shake you. "WE..CAN'T..LOSE"

"wawawawawaargghAGH!"

You slap Discord's face hard with your hoof. He stops, gently puts you down, and rubs his cheek.

"Discord, get ahold of yourself. is being the top prankster in Equestria worth having this kind of meltdown? Ugh.." You facepalm "It's so childish"

"You hit me..." Was all Discord said. He was now staring at the wall, blankly.

Oh god...what now? "Uhhh..yeah, you were kind of being insane. You uhh...you ok now?"

Discord nodded, but he was still staring into space. "...I am, hrnnn." He looked down at you, he had an apologetic expression on his face. "Perhaps I have been childish." He puts his talon to his bottom lip as he looks at the wall. "Yes, I think I actually did let them get to me. All the years of being the Spirit of Chaos...and then being turned to stone, all because of a miscalculation. Yes, yes. I see." Discord looks down back at you "I've got it Anon!" He was now looking a lot chipper

"You do? What do you got?"

"Isn't it obvious? I've got "it". I realize I was brought down by them because I thought there might be a possibility of me losing to them. A "miscalculation", as it were. I lost my confidence because I felt my reform may have made me rusty. No, it hasn't. It's just I haven't been able to stretch my powers completely for a very long time. And even though I will be limited, thanks to their rules. That doesn't mean I can't be clever and cunning about it." Discord chuckles "Oh yes, I simply can't wait to get my claws on those two, we'll scare them so badly that Celestia will turn another shade of white. Hehehehehe"

What? Well, yeah. that's good that he was confident, but… "You got all that from me hitting you?"

Discord nodded "Well, yes. How else would I have come to such a fantastic conclusion? And it's all thanks to my little partner" Discord gives you a congratulatory pat on the head. egh...still didn't feel as nice as when a mare does it.

"Well, it's good that you're all confident again Discord. Good to see you in better spirits."

"I am...but." Discord wanted to be sure. "You are sure I can expect your best tomorrow? What about your fortitude. Can you yourself handle their tricks?"

You nod, you were confident that even if they had something even remotely scary. That it'd bring you no harm. These were two innocent princesses who are probably going to toss spiders or pits or some crap. Too easy. "It'll be a piece of cake. Come on Discord, you've already done so much crap to me already. Whatever a couple of girls have will be easy peasy. Nothing to worry about."

"Ahh yes, I nearly forgot all the torment I've brought upon you. But at least it now all has a point. Truly I am a genius. Not even realizing myself all the preparation I've given you for this moment. I truly am a master of foresight."

...Yep, he was back to his old self. "Ok champ, whatever you say. But, you mind sending me back to school before I get in trouble? Recess has to be over by now."

"I suppose, I wouldn't want your teacher having a reason to call me in for some sort of meeting. Take care Anon...and I truly mean that."

Awww..that was a nice. "You take care too Discord. Seeya"

Discord raises his talons and snaps. Making you reappear back into the school.
And as you look around to reorient yourself. You notice things are different. The children are gone, Twilight and Applejack were in front of your desk, examining your seat. And Cheerilee was crying at her desk with Rarity comforting her, giving her a handkerchief to blow her nose on. What the fuck happened?

You approached your seat to where Twilight was investigating. She didn't look well either. She looked like she was feverishly trying to figure something out. "There has to be something. Nopony just explodes from getting their cutie mark. He can't just be gone. That doesn't make any sense!"

Applejack gave her a few pats on the back "Relax there sugarcube, I'm sure you'll figure it out. But I still say this is Discord's doing."

"It can't be, Discord should have no reason to scare a school full of foals." Twilight said as she continued to scan the area. She was even using her magic to do some sort of actual scan of the area.

"Does he need a reason? Ya know his head ain't screwed on straight" Applejack remarked.

"I know but....I've managed to refine my abilities to detect different forms of magic and I can't get a sense of anything matching his chaotic powers. I'm worried Applejack, I'm really worried. What if this was my fault?" Twilight was scanning, and rescanning everything.

"Now don't talk like that Twilight. We all make mistakes. Anon forgave ya right? Then I bet this and that are completely unrelated." Applejack said as she waited for any more results from Twilight's scan.

Ohhhhhhh....oh no....you did explode. Goddammit Discord...if it's not one thing it's the other. But, that was odd. She couldn't detect it was Discord that did it? Was it him that caused the explosion?...Hrnn...you'd have to ask him what he did. Because now, you had to let everyone know you were ok.

It's a good thing Fluttershy isn't here. She must have not heard what happened. Because you could only imagine her searching all over, and then maybe even automatically blaming Discord....yeesh.

But what to say. The scene was grim looking. Everyone was in low spirits except for Applejack. Who was doing her best to keep Twilight from spazzing. You had to say something. "Ok, before you all even notice me. Let me say I'm sorry, because I didn't know I exploded and yeah...that's me letting you all know I'm ok."

Smooth.

Everyone looked up at you. Cheerilee was relieved as all fuck. Rarity smiles, Applejack was wondering where you came from, and Twilight? "Anon, not now, can't you see I'm doing something important? I'm trying to figure out if you actually exploded and not just teleported somewhere." ...well, she was certainly dedicated.

Applejack shook Twilight to turn around. "Uhhh, Twi. Turn around, the mystery has kinda been solved already"

Twilight shooed Applejack's hoof away "No it hasn't, I haven't figured out where Anon is yet!"

Is she serious? Was Twilight that absent minded? Oh wait. She could be...but still, this was cartoon tier...oh wait...goddammit.

"Princess Twilight, if I may, she is telling you the truth and...and.." Cheerilee started to get tears of happiness in her eyes as she got up to rush towards you. She grabbed you and fell to the ground as she nuzzled you tightly. She was so damn happy you didn't explode. That could have been her job, her life, and she couldn't handle losing any student. They were all her responsibility, and she liked every single one of them. It was like an instinct.

"Waggghh..u-umm. Miss Cheerilee...I'm sorry I worried you."

But Twilight didn't notice, she was getting annoyed actually. "I need quiet please, I know everypony is on edge. But if we lose ourselves in our worry, it could cause some terrible psychological effects. Like hallucinations."

"...Are ya kidding me sugarcube?" Applejack raised an eyebrow at her.

Rarity sighed as she rolled her eyes "Allow me Darling, there's only one way to unfocus a pony as studious and dedicated as Twilight."

Rarity walked up to the front of Twilight and smiled at her "Twilight, sweetie, have you really not heard what has been going on for the last few minutes?"

Twilight didn't even time to look up at her, instead inspecting specks of dust that have a magical signature on it. "Hold on Rarity, I think I'm on to something. If I can just figure out what this is. We'll be that much closer to finding Anon."

Rarity sighed. "That's what I thought...forgive me everypony for what I'm about to do.." Rarity took a deep breath. So deep that when she stopped, her cheeks puffed out like balloons.

"Hit the deck Everypony!" Applejack dives down, covering her head with her hat.

Cheerilee didn't know what was going on. But she ducked her head and covered her ears as well. You had no fucking clue what was going on, and just looked on with curiousness. What, was Rarity going to blast Twilight or something?

Rarity finally released. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!"

She released an extremely annoying, loud, bursting, high pitched squeal. Both you and Twilight were blown back from the sheer pain it caused in the ears. Oh god...oh god. you now felt for the diamond dogs, their pain was truly suffering.

Twilight fell backwards covering her ears, as you walked around without much balance in your step. Your ears were ringing. You trip and fall on Twilight's belly. Stick a fork in you, you were done.

Twilight shook her head, she was now angry "Rarity! what in the name of Celestia was that?! Why would you.....Anon?" She noticed you fallen on her belly. She then looked back to Rarity, confused as all hell. "Rarity...how did you get Anon to appear? I didn't know you could do that."

"Twilight...he had been standing there for awhile now. You were the only one not to notice. I simply did my best to get your attention. Though, I do have to apologize for it. Even my ears are ringing from the noise."

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