• Published 21st Oct 2017
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Dadonequus Discord (Book 1) - CrazedLaughter

Discord makes a deal with an anonymous human. The human gets to live a good life in Equestria. And Discord? he gets to have a son of his own. Of course, his only reason is to impress Fluttershy and annoy Twilight.

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Chapter 55

Author's Note:

This was written well before the S6 finale. So forgive me on the inaccuracy. In fact, later in the story it's explained that the hive they infiltrated was a temporary one used for missions.

You decided to make off back to the fountain. Giving you time to think about what transpired. You look up to the sky… It was an amazing sight. So many stars, more than you ever saw back home. Blanketing the night sky. No wonder Luna would get upset about ponies not staying up to enjoy this.

Perhaps this wasn't a bad thing. This whole Diamond Tiara business. You never got a girl back home. So… this.. was something? Course, you could never give DT the dicking. Not unless she for some reason really wanted it and you could get away with it.

Lewd thoughts Anon, lewd.

and that kiss… dammit.

No, this might not be good. You knew most of the strengths and weaknesses of the more major pony characters. Reformed DT… you knew nothing about. You didn't even know she had a mom...

Hrn… This might not even be worth thinking about now. No, it isn't. It's better to just see how things go. Maybe it's just a phase? Maybe she's just chock full of emotions because you technically saved her? Maybe it's all of the above. Eh… just… just forget it for now. You had to focus on tomorrow. Messing with changelings. You wondered exactly how that would go.
No doubt, it could be dangerous. But you were sure Discord wouldn't just let you get hurt by them. Hopefully, and given this was going to be some sort of massive prank… he might even give you some magical power. Yeah, that's actually pretty exciting. Just turn the whole hive upside down.

You reach the fountain, toss in your map, and dive into the portal. When you get into your room. You hang your saddlebag, top hat, and put away your suit. Welp, it had to be dinner time by now.

You open the floor door. And what you are greeted by is absolute darkness. "The hell? What's he up to this time?" You poke your head down and look around. Everything was pitch black. except for a spotlight in the distance that was over a chair and a desk.

"I… guess I should go down? What in the hell could this be?" You cautiously go down the invisible gravity stairs and head over to the light. You notice that there are two hayburgers on the desk… That's pretty simple for a dinner… if it was dinner. Was this a dream?

You sit down… and poke at the burgers. They seem legit… and you were hungry.

"Discord?... Luna...?" You look around… Nothing. You start carefully eating one of the hayburgers. Nothing happens… and the food ain't bad. You finish the second hayburger. This had to be some sort of trick...

Suddenly, a spotlight activates ahead of you. It lights up… a projector? Then another spotlight in the distance. Someone is under it… and they start walking closer.

Oh, what a relief… it's Discord. But his clothes… He's dressed as a general. Complete with a horse crop. He was marching down from the distance, towards the projector. Poised and dignified. Finally, he stands before you. and turns to face you.

"Private Anon, why are you late for the briefing?"

Private? Ahhh… ok, you get the shtick. Still...you had a good reason as to why you were apparently late. "I didn't even know you were doing this. I kind of had things to do. And uhh… stuff happened. What do you want from me, huh?"

"What I want is your full attention Anon. Tomorrow, we will be bringing chaos and disorder to the changeling hive!" Discord slapped his horse crop behind him as a screen for the projector appeared in a new spotlight. "We will need to be vigilant, smart, dedicated… and… well, you could use a thesaurus if you need to know any other words… But the point is, this will be a group effort. And it will… be… fun."

Can't argue with that. "So, what's the plan General Discord?... Sir.."

Discord moves aside as the projector sputters and starts. "I'm glad you asked Anon, I've prepared a movie that should explain everything. And in case it doesn't. Do feel free to ask your questions AFTER the presentation."

You stare at the screen as old timey war music type of music plays. "Hello Soldiers of chaos! I'm your host, General Discord. And I welcome you to the wonderful world of disorder and mayhem!" Everything in the movie was sepia tone. And the Discord in the movie… was like some 1960s cartoon. "Of course, to all of you who are watching. You know that tomorrow's campaign will take place at the hive of the changelings! But where is this hive you might ask… well… that isn't important now is it?"

The screen shows a tower, with a crudely drawn Chrysalis on the top, and a ton of changelings on the bottom. "This is a layout of the hive you will be causing your mischief. And although not important, we do know how you like to get curious about such needless details." The screen then shows Chrysalis herself in better detail… except she has devil horns, a beard and an eyepatch. A sign hanging from her neck that says "Big Dork". "This will be your target, Private Anon. Yes, I know. Very important for your first mission. But we know you can do it. But ahhh, you must be asking. "How do I even confront her?" Welllllll..."

The screen shows the everfree forest. "You private Anon, will assume the guise of Princess Cadence's cousin. She doesn't actually have one so you needn't wear a disguise. You will be coltnapped from this location and brought to the Changeling Queen herself so she can begin to enact some ridiculously stupid plan of revenge or something… I don't know. But she has a serious hate thing for both Princess Cadence and Princess Twilight." Coltnapped? What?

"Ahhh, but now you must be thinking. "What could I possibly do to her while coltnapped? Will I get cool powers like Discord? Will I get some sort of chaos weapon? Will I get to take a poop on her throne?" The answer to all of these are no… except maybe that last one. No Anon… you will be using the human technique of W.A.C.K.Y. Which means "Wit, Apathy, Cynicism, Key observation, and Yakmilk" ...please do not ask about the yakmilk part of the acronym, because if you do it is clear you are just jealous of my superior naming abilities."

Then the screen shows Discord turning into a Changeling "Anyway, while you are having "fun" with the queen. I shall be doing subtle amounts of chaos in the background. Playing amongst my "fellow" changelings. A few innocent pranks here and there." Then the screen goes back to the tower view with the crude drawings. and red and blue arrows cycling through the changelings and Chrysalis. "With my antics and your W.A.C.K.Y. We should be able to cause even the queen herself to lose her marbles at the sheer amount of confusion and chaos that will be caused. And our end goal, private? Yes, what is the true point of all this? Well..." a huge "?" appears on screen "You'll just have to wait and see.....see you at the war front!"

The movie ends. Discord smiles at you "Any questions?"

"Two… First one: what did the movie mean by W.A.C.K.Y?"

Discord looked at you with disapproval, tapping his talon at his horse crop. "Are you serious Anon? It's a trait that you possess that nopony else would be able to replicate."

You were confused. You got the words in the acronym...but. What did it all mean? "And that is...?"

Discord sighs. "Ok… tell me Anon, if say… a pony, be it colt, filly, mare, or stallion, was foalnapped by a scary being. How would they react?"

That wasn't hard. "They'd be scared"

Discord nods "And what would happen if they knew they'd be kidnapped and they played a role to outwit and cause her undue trouble?"

You thought about that one for a little bit. "Well… I'd guess they'd… just do those things."

"Yes Anon, they would. But, given how most ponies are. How do you think they'd fare?"

...Hmmmm. "They'd probably do alright until things got hairy. Or… I guess let things slip if something didn't go according to plan. Like if I imagined Pinkie Pie doing it. She'd probably drive her up the wall until either things got hairy and she'd get scared. Or Chrysalis just sucks the love right out of her to shut her up."

Discord nods "Now… say, somepony like you were to do it"

"Well I'd probably just act calm if I knew I wouldn't get hurt… I kind of always wanted to question and grill her on the whole Canterlot Wedding thing, and… ohhhh… ok, I see what you mean. But Discord… she's going to get super pissed you know that right?"

Discord smirked "Ohhhhh I know, and with my own going ons, she will go absolutely batty!"

"Yeah but… what if she tries to hurt me… or suck out my love?"

"Oh don't worry about that. I won't let her harm a single hair on your head… as for the whole love draining thing. I'm sure you could figure out a way to prevent that if she does decide to snack on you."

What?! "You can't just make some kind of barrier to protect me from it or something? Come on man, I do NOT wanna know what that feels like."

Discord gave you a pat on the head "Anon, you won't. I have faith that you will figure out how to prevent it when the time comes… Though if it does happen I'll have to keep you inside for a day or two so you can regain your "love". Well, whatever happens, happens." He shrugs.

Dammit, no fucking way. You understood what he wanted you to do. But holy shit, if she decided to drain you. Well… you didn't know how it'd be… but you didn't like the thought of it.

"Discord, I want to do this. I do, it sounds fun as hell… but it also sounds dangerous."

"We don't have to do it if you don't want to Anon."

Really?....he was willing to give up on it if you said no? "Look, I want to. But just be straight with me. No riddles, no tricks, how do I… personally… avoid having my love drained. It can't be as simple as just thinking really bad thoughts right? Because that's some anti-pixie dust stuff right there"

Discord nods and smiles at you "Why Anon, that is EXACTLY how to do it… so to speak. See, humans possess a special quality that almost everypony in existence does not. Absolute hate and disdain. I'm sure you can work out the rest from there."

Geez, what a way to word it. But… shit, Hitler and Stalin existed. Wow… sounds like the changelings could be obliterated by a rampant army of SJWs. "Ok… I think I can… but Discord… you gotta promise me. Pinkie Promise me, that I won't get hurt. If you can do that. I think I could do my part all the way through. I want to mess with her soooo bad… But I don't want to have a feeling something could go wrong. This is pretty big stuff. These are villains after all."

Discord hesitated at first. But, he could tell you were serious. And in his heart, he didn't want you to worry. Just like you didn't want him to screw up, he didn't want you to screw up or get scared. He just wasn't willing to say it outright.

Discord sighed, annoyed, but he did it… even went through the actual gestures "Fine… how does it go again? Hrnn, ahh yes, cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye. There, happy?"

You nod with a smile. "Yup, that's all I needed… so… second question… Cadence's cousin… Really?"

Discord pointed to the projector "Well you heard the handsome Draconequus in the movie. She has extreme hate for her plans being ultimately ruined by the efforts of Cadence, her husband, and Twilight and her friends. Capturing and using a relative to achieve her revenge would be high in her to-do list"

Yeah… that made sense, just. "Yeah but, wouldn't she know that Cadence has no cousins? Or wouldn't she notice I was Anon… you know, your son?"

"She would..." Discord suddenly turned into a changeling, then snickered. "If I wasn't the one who was handling her intel… I even had her captain fooled."

Oh geez, seeing a changeling this close… It was… cute and gross... At the same time. Even if it was just Discord changed into one.

"Uh huh… well, that answers that, but… now I have a third question… Is Queen Chrysalis gross looking, you know… up close?"

Discord shrugged as he clickity clacked his right front leg over his left "You're asking me? If I had it my way, I'd just turn her into a female version of myself. And don't get any ideas, I was just answering your question."

Female Discord… If it was like the drawings of Eris… unf… oh geez… now you had it in your mind if he could turn female… once… nope nope nope… you don't want to actually ask that… he'd find a way to twist it. "Yeah I wasn't thinking that"

"Surrrrreeee… In anycase Anon, go get some rest. We have a big big big day tomorrow! Lots of fun and chaos. You are dismissed!" Discord says as he changes back to his normal form. He even gives you a salute before he does.

You chuckle a little at that and decide to salute back. This was gonna be fun. You were sure. You just had to NOT panic. Discord would keep you safe.

You get up and head towards your door which hung in the ceiling.

"Private Anon, there is actually one more thing I wish to say" Discord calls out to you.

Mmmm? You turn around. "What's up? Sir."

"I… just want to wish you good luck on this mission. Nopony else would ever take on such a task with me. And even if Lieutenant Fluttershy did somehow wish to participate. I could never ask her to. It will be a pleasure and an honor working with you!" Discord salutes you again, this time with full bravado and enthusiasm.

It was, kind of cool and cute how he just kept up the whole military act. And those words. Even if it was too… part of the act. They were really nice to hear. Especially from him.

You turn and salute back to him as hard as you can. "I'd follow you to hell and back General,"

The spotlight over Discord disappears after you say that, making him vanish into the darkness. Before he disappeared… you could have sworn he smiled at you. Not an evil or snarky one… but a warm caring one. But you couldn't be sure.

But.. everything should be fine. If you were going to be kidnapped tomorrow, then you had a feeling you weren't even going to wake up in your bed. You had to make sure not to slip that you weren't Cadence's cousin or that this was just one big act.

You go back up the gravity stairs and into your room as thoughts of tomorrow fill your head. It was exciting. You were going to mentally go toe to toe with one of the series big villains. Yeah, you had a safety net. But still, you yourself had to not screw up or else the game would be over. You also had to do well. You had a feeling of what you had to do. You were going to be like a critic to her villainy. You wondered what Discord would be up to as well… Whatever it was, you had to synchronize whatever he did with your own moves. And finally… what was that goal the movie was talking about? Either it was a joke, something huge, or something silly... and hopefully nothing evil.

You hop onto your bed and snuggle into your pillow. Yeah, Diamond Tiara and School… the CMC… all of that would have to wait. Tomorrow, you were going to have fun with your "Dad"

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