• Published 21st Oct 2017
  • 10,516 Views, 2,803 Comments

Dadonequus Discord (Book 1) - CrazedLaughter

Discord makes a deal with an anonymous human. The human gets to live a good life in Equestria. And Discord? he gets to have a son of his own. Of course, his only reason is to impress Fluttershy and annoy Twilight.

  • ...

PreviousChapters Next
Chapter 5

Just from where you were at. You could tell you are in a living room. And at first glance it seems normal. But you know better than that. A closer inspection shows some things to be very dirty with varying amounts of clean… Some objects seemingly normal while others more twisted,Stairs that go nowhere, And looking out the windows, all you could see was an endless void of eldritch curiosity.

Discord finally teleported in with a with confetti flying everywhere and a trumpet sound sounding. "Welcome Anon, to your new home!"

You grimaced at the blare of the trumpet as you turned over to him. A little peeved that he inflated and then popped you. "Yeah… Great..."

Discord gave a small huff before levitating you towards him at eye level "Anon. Why must you be so uptight? I thought you, most of all, would appreciate this." He slowly contorted his face into a frown, with big puppy dog eyes.

Ugh...Maybe you were being uptight. He DID go through the trouble of granting you this big wish after all. And you haven't even shown any true gratitude. You sighed. "Sorry… I guess I've had a lot on my mind. Thanks, by the way..."

Discord began to smile. not an evil one, a more sincere one. "Thanks...Thanks for what?"

"Thanks for well...bringing me here. It actually does mean a lot to me. And I guess I should of been more appreciative and under-" Discord gave you a small pat on the head and gently put you down.

"Anon please don't get too mushy on me. I'm not Princess Celestia, I don't need a report."

"O-oh. Right right… Well… Thank you again… And stuff." Eh, what a time to get sappy. Then again, he probably just didn't want to be in a sappy mood either. Just take it as is. That's the least you can do. "So, this is your house huh?"

"No Anon, this is OUR house. You're my son, remember?"

You chuckled, that seemed a little generously absurd to you. "Yeah yeah...you're really serious about this father son thing huh?"

"Of course, if I wasn't. I wouldn't have brought you here. I'd just have dropped you off at one of your hospitals after your heart stopped from the shock of meeting me. Hilarious reaction but I didn't know anything about human anatomy and if I dissected you then....well...you wouldn't be here now. Would have been an interesting though, don't you think?"

"Haha...eh. Yeahhh, don't think I would have been around to think that" You gave a nervous chuckle. You were sure he was just messing with you. Just push on through and deal with it.

Actually, you did silently realize you were taking things much too well than one would expect. Perhaps your want to be any where but your own world had desensitized you some from actually appearing in Equestria. Or perhaps part of you believed this to be a dream. Whatever it was, it at least made things easier for you.

"Now then, let me show you your room" Discord said, as he snapped his talons, making a door appear on the ceiling.

"...Ummm how am I supposed to get up there?"

Discord chuckled "Anon, Anon. Sometimes not everything is as difficult as it first appears"

You think you've watched enough cartoons to know what that means. You immediately go silent as you look up at the door with determination and try to walk up on nothingness.

It...it works..You suddenly start shifting gravity onto some invisible steps as if it was nothing. "Woah...this is kinda cool."

Discord pulls out a camera as he starts taking snapshots. "That's my boy! Taking his first chaotic steps into his room! Look into the camera Anon!"

"oh o-AHHHH BRIGHT, BRIGHT AHHH I'M BLIND." There were flashes coming from the camera with great intensity.causing you to trip and fall upwards into your room.

Discord, appearing in your room, catches you and puts you in a resting position on his lion arm as he pulls out a picture of you being surprised and dazed by the camera "Look Anon, look how adorable you look in this. It's definitely going into the family album."

You gave a moment for your eyes to adjust. "Was the flash really necessary?...geez..I thought I was going to go...oh hey, I look pretty adorable actually"

"Oh I know, Fluttershy is simply going to adoooooore you. But that won't be for a little while. For now, just relax a little… So," Discord waved his paw around the room "what do you think?"

Discord put you down so you could take a look around the room. It looked more human styled. And the bed… Wow… A modification of the one you had at home, with a blue quilt and everything. It was a little basic though. a dresser, mirror. Nothing to chaotic. And then there was the bookshelf. It didn't have much in it so far. But it did have some..hrn..so these are the Daring Do series. "Hey… These are… Is it the whole series?"

Discord nodded "Of course, Only the best for my Anon."

Ahh geez, he's really going all out with this. The room didn't seem to have any kind of booby traps or scares in it. It was just a normal room. "..Thanks Discord… I.. don't know what to say, really."

"Just call me ‘dad’. Ahh yes, now that you've seen your room. We do need to get some official business done and go see Twilight Sparkle." Discord chuckled.

"You mean mess with her, right?"

"Ohhhh… You really do catch on quickly, then again. I already told you I was, didn't I?"

"Yup, and I wanna help. But… ahh. Let's not go too far with it huh? I don't want to make her upset… Or get banished… Or something. She is supposed to be your friend after all"

Discord waved his paw at you "Pshawwww Anon, it's just a little prank. Friends do it all the time. If she wasn't my friend, then I'd probably just conquer her kingdom or put a whoopee cushion under her seat during some important princessy meeting or something."

Haha… good to know conquering a kingdom is at the same level as a whoopee cushion… Good stuff… Good~ stuff…

Not really.

Discord snapped his fingers. Making a cute little red bowtie appear on your chest, along with a small cute blue suit and a tiny top hat. "There we are."

You looked at yourself in the mirror. Awww. You looked cute enough for a bunch of horsefuckers to gang bang. You gave your top hat a little side tilt to add some style. "Ok I think i'm ready, so are we going n-HOLY GEEZ!"

As you turn to look at Discord, you see he now has Applebloom's head instead of his own....disturbing. "And then after all this, yer going on the tour tommorow with Applebloom, right? Right?!"

You sighed… Ugh.. "Yes.. You're really on to that whole friendship thing huh? That doesn't seem like you."

Discord popped the Applebloom head with his talon, changing his head back to normal. "You can say that being friends with Fluttershy has rubbed off on me a smidge. And besides, I can't have you running around here all day. I don't even know if you’re house broken."

"That's funny, I kinda was thinking the same thing about you, heheh" You smirked at him.

"Ohhh, my Anon is finally growing a backbone. How marvelous" Discord rolled his eyes

"I guess you can say you're finally rubb-wait… What is that sound?" You swear you can hear something inflating.

Discord covers his mouth to hold in his laughter as he points behind you.

You take a look and....OH SWEET JESUS. IS THAT YOUR SPINE GROWING OUT OF YOUR BACK?! You immediately begin to panic as Discord immediately disappears from the room. There's no pain. It's just freaky. And as you try to push it back in in frivolity. It explodes. Sending you into darkness… And then out somewhere else… Someplace… a little more castley.

You crash right into Discord's leg, as he looks down upon you. "Oh there you are anon, what in Equestria kept you?"

You look up at him, then ahead. You both stood in front of some double doors. Was this Twilight's castle? "You sc-...ahh...forget it. I really should get used to your shenanigans at this point… Really… Really should."

Discord chuckled and straightened your tie "Don't be a spoil sport Anon, ahh... There we are."
You look up and down at the doors

"I'm not… just caught me off guard. I ALMOST thought I was gonna die. Then I remember you wouldn't let that happen...right?"

"Of course not." Discord said with a gentle grin

You get a little upset. "What do you mean may-..oh.. You said… of course not… huh..." you guessed he's actually taking things a little seriously. At least with you. You expected him to say "Maybe". In fact, You readied yourself for it. But he managed to surprise you with a pretty normal and caring answer. Maybe he just did that to throw you off again...who knows. "So… how are we gonna do this ,Dad?"

"What, you actually want to plan this? oh nononononono. Just go with the flow Anon. Improvise. a truly good act is one nopony can see coming."

"Right right, ok...ahrm" You take a breath. “Ok.. Ok" You shake and stretch your hooves. "I think I'm ready. I think I got this."

"Well then… Let's begin!" Discord said as he once again raised his taloned fingers and snapped them. Causing you both to warp once more.

Next thing you knew. You found yourself floating. Looking around, you saw you were in the main hall. Where everyone's chairs sat around the giant table. The old tree library hanging like a chandelier. On the table seemed to be books and legal papers. and Looking into them was purplesmart herself, Twilight Sparkle...no sign of Spike though.

You'd have thought she'd be able to see you, but you quickly noticed that you couldn't even see yourself. Namely...your hooves. It appeared you were invisible. That's when you saw him. Discord appeared right behind Twilight and covered her eyes.

"Guess who~"

Twilight seemed to have gotten a little startled at first. But then she just puffed some air out, annoyed "You know that's getting old, right?"

Discord popped from behind to in front of her. shrinking in size as he stands on one of her scrolls. "Twilight, I'm surprised at you, that was a terrible guess. In fact, I don't even know anypony with a name that long. Sounds made up to me"

"I'm busy Discord, if you want. You can come back later. And as long as you don't pull any funny business. I'd be happy to talk with you… But just… Not right now… Super duper busy." Twilight said with disinterest to his presence

Discord chuckled "Ahhh, you see. That's what I'm actually here for. Some official business on our earlier talk of Equestrian law and such."

"Discord I don't hav-..wait what?" Twilight put her full focus on him. She was wondering what he meant by "official business"

"It's just as I said. What, did you think I wasn't paying attention?" Discord gave her a hurt look

"..I..didn't think you were.." Twilight said, prompting Discord to appear behind her, as he leans over her, making a fake sobby voice

"Oh Twilight, how are we supposed to be friends if you don't think I'm capable of being serious once in awhile, you're breaking my heart you know."

Twilight began to stutter, surprised "I-I...I just didn't think you were uhh...paying attention. That's actually wonderful, Discord, I'm proud of you." Twilight smiled at him

Discord bowed "Yes, I'm quite proud of me too. see, I even gave myself a gold star for excellence!" Discord points to a rather dilapidated star pinned to his chest.

Twilight smiled cheerfully at him, it was like a weight was lifted off of her "Discord, you deserve it. It makes me so glad to know that you're willing to fully integrate as a citizen of Ponyville, now then all-"

Suddenly, she's cut off by Discord's rambunctious laughter. "HAHAHAHAH ARE YOU SERIOUS?!....no...no..I am NOT doing any of that nonsense. I was talking about the particular laws on...oh what was it....ahhhh yes...." suddenly he made a cruel, soulless smile at her. "Adoption."

You smirked. Oh man, that's pretty good.

Twilight's smile turned to that of worry "Discord....w-what are you talking about when you say "adoption" ?"

"Oh it's just as I said. You see, I went over to Phillydelphia..." It seems Discord was going to go along with your story "And visited an orphanage… There was this cute little colt that was ooohhh so weak and helpless. Twilight… Oh Twilight… You had to have been there. It made my heart melt. So… I took him home and became his father." He poofed up some documents...they looked official from where you were at "See? legal documentation and everything"

Twilight's jaw dropped. She looked like she was nearing "Lesson Zero" levels of worry. "Discord… You… You didn't..."

"Oh, I did. Twilight Sparkle, allow me to introduce you to my son, Anon!" Discord snapped his fingers. Making you fall head first into her books and scrolls… Ugh… It just never stops.

Discord rubbed his chin "hrnn… He was supposed to land over there… Oh well, the deed is done."

Twilight turned to see you, and then rushed up to you. Instead of asking if you were alright. She was putting her hooves all over you. You didn't know whether to feel turned on or violated."Sweet Celestia… He's real… HE'S REAL?!?!"


Discord gasped in fake surprise "Twilight! Are you suggesting I put that poor little colt back in that orphanage to suffer never knowing what having parents are like? Oh my my, tch tch tch. How the Princess of Friendship has become so corrupt by the power she wields, oh goodness gracious, how terrible indeed."

"At least there will be stability in his life! Discord, You can't do this! You'll ruin him!" Twilight was livid with all this. She firmly believed Discord was not capable of parenting a foal.

"Ohh..that hurts...so much" Discord forces tears out "I thought we were friends...and...you think...i'm a terrible father" suddenly he grins "Ahh well, too bad for you. The only way he's going back is if he invokes the law that the colt or filly in question feels they are abused or in danger enough that they wish to go back to the orphanage. So...unless he wants to go back. He's mine."

Twilight turned over to you, she looked desperate "A-anon? right? You don't want to live with Discord right? There are so many wonderful and loving mares and stallions who will adopt you and give you a good home. Discord isn't one of them"

Wow… Way to be douchey Twilight. Then again, Discord was himself, being a douche. eh, everyone has to pull a douchey move at least once. And you liked the guy. You gave her a cute happy smile, and said as joyously as you could, you said. "He's my Daddy, and I love him very much."

Discord gave you a thumbs up without Twilight noticing. Twilight herself looked like she had a heart attack as she falls backwards. "I can't believe this"

"Oh don't be like that Twilight." Discord picks you up and gives you a big hug "Look how adorable he is. And so well spoken for a colt his age. Why I bet with my tutelage, he could skip grades." You played along and gave him a big hug

"Dad thinks i'm super smart, I never thought I was but he always tells me I'm super great. But he always encourages me and says i'm destined to do great things"

Twilight seemed surprised by your words "Really?....you said that Discord?"

You nodded profusely. "He even said I can become greater than him someday, in fact, a million times better than him! Isn't that awesome?"

Twilight cocked an eyebrow… That seemed less believable "Is he serious?"

Discord didn't seemed too pleased on your last remark. You knew he wouldn't. But hey, this was the only opportunity that you THINK you could get him to say something like that. He turned to Twilight and gritted his teeth in a smile "Of course Twilight, Why wouldn't I tell him that… He's my son… It's not as if he was actually some loser I picked up off the street or anything."

Ouch… You winced just a bit at that.

Twilight stood up and gave you a hard look "Well… it… seems unbelievable. But… I can't just bend the laws to suit me. I just… I don't understand."

"You don't need to understand Twilight. You just need to acknowledge that I'm a father, one to be respected." He suddenly covered your ears with some fluff "I mean, you wouldn't want him to wonder why some ponies sometimes scream or run in terror at the sight of me, would you? Or why their princess seems to be annoyed at my very presence. He'd be scarred." Suddenly, the fluffs disappear.

"No no… Of course not. And… if you are serious about this. Of course I can acknowledge you as a good father. I just need a minute to process all this. It's a little overwhelming." Twilight didn't really know how to take it. She couldn't just intervene if everything seemed alright for the moment.

"Go right ahead Twilight, I can understand the feeling. I'll let you get back to your work. I didn't want to be too much of a bother afterall."

"...Ahm… Actually, Discord. If I could have a private moment with your son. You know...just me and him. It'd be even more appreciated. I just want to ask the usual questions and whatnot. Help him understand how things work since… Well... I assume you won't just keep him locked up somewhere..right?" Twilight kept her eyes locked to his. Looking for anything that would spell dishonesty or mistreatment of you. Not realizing how big she was being rused.

Discord gave her a confident smile "Of course , a child needs wide open spaces and fresh air and all that. And I don't mind at all if you have a chat with dear Anon. You needn't even worry about me manipulating him or eavesdropping or anything of the sort. I'm a trustworthy and good father. Honest" Discord put his paw to his heart as a halo appeared over his head.

"Right..umm...Thank you for understanding Discord. I'll have him back to you as soon as I'm done speaking with him, alright?"

Discord bowed. "Of course my Princess, I trust you completely… I just wish you put more trust in me once in awhile..."

Twilight cringed. She started to feel bad. "I… umm… I'm sorry Discord. I Shouldn't have immediately jumped to conclusions." Twilight bowed to him a short bow "I truly apologize"

"Being one of your best friends. I of course accept your apology. In anycase. I shall be waiting outside the castle. If you can bring him there when you are finished. It'd be most appreciated...ta-ta" Discord waved as he vanished from sight.

And now you were alone....with Twilight.

Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
PreviousChapters Next
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!