• Published 21st Oct 2017
  • 10,266 Views, 2,759 Comments

Dadonequus Discord (Book 1) - CrazedLaughter

Discord makes a deal with an anonymous human. The human gets to live a good life in Equestria. And Discord? he gets to have a son of his own. Of course, his only reason is to impress Fluttershy and annoy Twilight.

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Chapter 80

Wooo… sweet digs. There were cutting boards and pantry doors and ovens and tons of cooking tools all over the place. It looked like a real chefs paradise added with the fact that everything was shiny and crystalized. No cooks though. Then again, it probably wasn't dinner time yet…

Cadance leads you to a counter with something wrapped up, she magically removes the wrapping to reveal a half eaten pie… cherry flavored."Well, here's the pie. Take as much as you want, I don't mind sharing."

Cadance smiled as she used her magic to bring a knife over and slice a modest piece for herself. She kept the pie floating in mid air near her mouth to take subsequent bites.

You had no magic to be able to do that. You fidget a little... "I'm...suddenly not hungry."

Cadance giggled "Twilight. Don't tell me you’re not going to take a slice because I've already taken a few bites. Come on, we're family. Don't be so uptight. It's ok to be a little unprincessy once in a while"


"I-it's not that. It's just I… had a lot of cherries on my trip here. A ton… and I just not in the mood for anything cherry flavored. You understand, right?"

Cadance nodded, but she found something again… a little off "Oh ok… but, why'd you just eat cherries on the way here? I would think the train would have a lot more variety than that."

...Uhh..UUHHH "Oh you know us princesses… sometimes we just get… cravings from all that stress."

And then...Cadance started acting unusual right there and then. She backed off a little and seemed worried about something… and then immediately laughed it off. "Oh right. Cravings… I definitely can understand that."

She was eating a lot more slowly. staring directly into your eyes, sweating a little. "Ummm… Twilight. Do you want to take a walk with me around the kingdom? Maybe we could go shopping?"

Something was up… nobody acts that way unless they are hiding something. "Cadance. Is something the matter? Because if there is. You can tell me. We're family right?" That should work.

Cadance didn't seem to know what to do. What was up with her. It was like she not only didn't expect Twilight to show up at all. But also didn't want her to be here. Cadance was being friendly… so they didn't have a fight… so what then?

"It's… a little complicated Twilight. It was something that… well, when we had everything fully prepared for here. That me and Shining were going to pay you a visit in Ponyville to tell you about...something."

"Well, how is it complicated? Is there some villain that you don't want to mention because it might cause panic? Is it some sort of trouble either of you are in? Like, with the pony mob or something? Is… Is Sombra trying to come back?"

Cadance shook her head vehemently . "Oh no no, it's nothing like that. But I just can't say right now Twilight. It's… just not time yet. Please understand"

Ugh… she was being secretive as fuck. And you couldn't go back and have this favor cleared up without knowing that secret. "Come on Cadance. It's me, Twilight! You can trust me. I mean, if not me. Then who else could you trust with something so important. Huh?"

Cadance didn't seem to know what to say. She didn't want to be rude or push you away. But… how too-

Mid thought. both of you hear a familiar voice coming from one of the doors. It was Shining Armor, he hadn't come into the room yet. But he was shouting awfully loud.

"Cadance! Yo, Cadance. Check it out! I got all the ba-"

Cadance suddenly screeched out, uncharacteristically so "AAAAAAAAAAAMMNNNNNNN"

What the fuck?! Was she the "Thing"? HOLY SHIT?! WAS THE "THING" ALSO CROSSING DIMENSIONS?! Did Discord let it through?!

You step back, ready to book it if this shit started growing fangs or something.

Cadance patted her chest with her hoof and burped softly. "O-oh dear, s-sorry about that. I guess cherry isn't agreeing with me e-either… Excuse me a moment!" You can hear Shining call for her again as she rushes towards the door, in which she lets out another shriek. Even Shining sounded confused.

That couldn't be the "Thing". You're imagination was just running rampant. But, what the fuck was up with that. That wasn't the fucking pie… speaking of pie. You take a moment to bring your face down and have a bite of it… oh shit… pretty good.

As you wipe your mouth with your hoof. You can't help but feel something's pretty amiss.
You decided to get up and move towards the door. Maybe if you put your ear right on it. You could hear what they were talking about.

You put your ear up to the door. Hrn… Interesting. You catch a few interesting words. Baby… Twilight… something about Twilight not supposed to be showing up… and… distractions… wait… that first one… baby?


....noooooooooo.....nononononononononono ...that can't be it. No way that could even be a thing..right? Did ponies actually fuck?

As you listened. the door suddenly reopens right on your face. RIGHT IN THE FACE.

You yelp and step back. Dammit, even as somebody else you still take hits to the face and noggin. It never ends.

"Twily?" Shining Armor entered the room, and turned to his side to see you rubbing your face. He seemed happy, yet, unexcited to see you. "Twily. Heeeeeyyyy… what's up sis? You, uhh, got something on your face?"

Put down your hoof and sigh, scrunching your nose a little. "No no… I mean… yeah, there was a fly"

Shining looks around the room, he doesn't see a fly "Huh… that's weird. We're usually pretty good at keeping them out of the kitchen. But, uhh, hey… it's really cool to see ya, In fact, how about we go and uh… check out… the, umm, Crystal Heart! Yeah, you want to come check out the Crystal Heart with your big brother?"

Hrnnn...they seem to be pretty adamant in getting you out of the castle. and "baby" was your only clue to the mystery. "Uhhh… sure, but uh. Shining… uhh, why are you and Cadance acting so… weird?"

"Weird? Who… me? And Cadance? Nahhhhhh… it's just we weren't expecting company. I mean, I was out doing things… and… before that me and Cadance were sorta of really busy and you just sort of showed up. We don't even know when. You usually tell us before you just show up. You ok Twily? I mean, that's not something I'm used to from my best lil' sis" Shining was sweating bullets as he said all this. He sounded as shaky as Cadance

Hmmm, they were growing suspicious of you as you were of them. Cadance though, where did she go?

"Well you know, I just wanted to surprise you both for once." You gave a fake grin

Shining armor laughed nervously at that "Oh, hahaha! Oh, haha… Yeah, I guess you would do that. So uh… you wanna go… or..uhh?"

You had to be careful now. You came to realize that they specifically didn't want Twilight to know this secret. Either the word baby was used literally, or as a pet name. And as far as you know. they've never said a thing like that to each other. You had to subtly find out the secret without being told. Because when the real Twilight did find out. They'd all be confused… and then who knows what would happen. You had to figure it out then bail.

You fake a yawn. "I uhh..I dunno Shining, I only came for a little visit. And I actually have to be heading back soon… you know, planning for that festival of friendship that..I'm doing....You know about that right?"

Shining nods "Yeah… I didn't think it'd eat up so much time that'd you'd only pop in for like… twenty minutes. That's… really weird Twilight… really… that's not like you."

You gulp....was he figuring it out? "H-how do you mean?"

"Well… You're usually a lot better with time. I'd never known you to be, I dunno… bad with time management."

"Well, I mean. It's not so much bad time management then it is my schedule. I know the trip was long. But if I didn't come now. I'd never have time to see my big bro! Come here you! So what if I'm here for twenty minutes, what's important is that I got to see my favorite bro and sis" You go up to hug Shining, he at first seemed puzzled. But only because he was trying to figure out what you meant. But then he thinks he realized it by thinking this was the only time you could come at all, and damned be the time of the trip.

He smiles and gives you a cuddly yet firm hug. "Awwww, now that's the Twily I know. You were always the smart one. I'd never have figured that out unless you told me."

YES,HE BOUGHT IT. Ok, time for a secret check. Depending on his answer. You could really leave… or you had to make an excuse to stay just a little longer.

You give him a little pat on the back before stepping backwards and looking at him inquisitively.
"So… uhhh… just so we're clear on something. This secret… it's not you and Cadance having a baby right?"

He grew wide eyed in shock. Then began to sweat, his voice quivering "N-N-nahhh. W-why would you ever think that?"

You let out a false chuckle. "Oh..sorry… haha, I guess I was just wondering if it was ever going to happen. I've been wondering about, you know, if I ever got a special somepony… you know, my future and stuff"

Shining went from shock. to worried care. "Oh Twily… come on. You'll find that special somepony. You know, some of the royal guards here are pretty nice guys. I know this one pony, his name is Fla-"

Suddenly… Shining was staring silently at you. "...uhhhhhhh" Well… you figured out the secret, but, why did he suddenly look like he saw a ghost?

"What's the matter shining?"

"Twily....your mane...it's...changing color"

Changing color? What the fuck does that mean? "Huh?....what do you mean? I don't-" You go to reach for some of your mane to push it into view when you notice your right leg has become smaller and stubbier. nooo....noo...no.

Shining stepped back "T-twily?"

"U-ummm...I-I gotta go!"

You try to make a mad dash out of the kitchen. But the moment you try.The rest of your legs shrink mid run. And you fall flat on your face and slide across the floor as your coat begins to change color.

You slowly get up as you shake your head, you were seeing stars. You looked back, and you could see Shining… and holy shit did he look pissed. "GUARDS! EVERYPONY TO YOUR POST! CHANGELING ATTACK!"

Shining armor shot out a blue spark that flew out of the room and emitted a loud blaring noise........that must be the alarm.


You got up and faced him. You weren't completely changed back yet. But you looked pretty hideous in your current state. Your wings were even featherless. You were in a state of half yourself and half Twilight. Your eyes different colors and patches of fur coming out to be replaced with a younger coat.

Cadance came in, alarmed by the noise "Shining! What happened?! Where's Twilight?"

Shining jumped in front of her, still facing you. "Stay back! That thing there..That's not Twilight. It's a changeling. I think it was here to find out about the baby!"

"What?" Cadance looked over to you and was in shock. "Oh..no...h-how could I be..."

"Don't worry about it. It fooled us both. I didn't think any changeling could imitate Twily that good." Shining slowly stepped up to you "As for you, You're not going anywhere. So you might as well give up and tell us where the rest of your hive is hiding,"

You slowly step back. Shit… SHIT… this wasn't good. You look back, and see a door. But then it begins to glow and shut tight.

Shining keeps his eyes directly on you "Don't even think about it."

"Dammit come on! I'm not a changeling! This is all a really big misunderstanding"

"Do you think we're that stupid? I can't believe your kind would go that low as to try to do something to our baby...It's not even born yet!" Cadance growls at you, she was entering a battle stance. Same with her husband… oh boy.

...you had no choice. "Would you believe… I'm Discord's son?"

Shining shook his head "Not even for a second"

WELL THEN… This wasn't good. You still hadn't changed back yet and you were facing down an alicorn and a strong stallion. You could fight them right?...well, maybe not Cadance… you weren't a monster. You weren't going to hurt a pregnant mare. But, maybe if you just took down Shining… you could escape. If the guards were at their posts then all you had to do was MGS out of there. Maybe you could hide in your saddle bag… Wait...

Your saddle bag… it did have a lot more weight to it now that there was more bits inside. Hmmmm...

You bow down to Cadance "My queen! We've been caught!"

"My queen, what?" Cadance was confused

But not Shining, he moves carefully away from his wife and stares at her. "Cadance… honey… that… you're not.."

She shakes her head profusely "No! No! I'm not..Shining! It's a trick..can' yo-"

But before she could finish her sentence. You take your saddle bag and swing it right at Shining's face.

KO!...... wait… no. he only side stepped a little. And Cadance? She didn't seemed too pleased as she looked at you with furious anger. "HOW DARE YOU! YOU STEP INTO OUR HOME! TRY TO ATTACK OUR BABY! AND THEN HURT MY HUSBAND?! THAT'S IT! I KNOW I SHOULDN'T BUT!" Cadance's horn began to glow alight as multiple blasts shot upwards and started to rain down on you.

Ohh… goddammit. You dive and crawl through the many counter sections of the kitchen. Quickly grabbing a pot and putting it on your head for some protection as magic rains down from all around.

You could hear Cadance panting, tired from her attack. You hear Shining tell her to go get the guards and find a place to hide. That'd he handle this himself. She agrees, probably for the baby's sake. You take the time to hide in one of the cabinets as Cadance leaves and Shining starts looking for you.

Shit, now you know how those kids from Jurassic Park felt. This was much harder than fighting Discord… if only you could get a clean hit on his nuts before the guards arrived.

You were actually scared. Shit… this wasn't supposed to happen. You could hear Shining carefully checking around. Quick Anon… think of all the times some dipsticks were hiding from monsters, what would they do...

EUREKA! That's it! You grab a spatula, and open the cabinet door. You carefully look out of it. Shining wasn't in sight yet. But you could hear his hoofsteps. You chuck the Spatula backwards into the air and wait.

It hits something. "There you are, I got you now!" Shining moves over to the noise. You crawl out of the cabinet and start looking for Shining's backside.

If you could somehow make a puddle of water. You could get out. Shit, you were in a kitchen. If you could just clog a sink. Well, your only two options were to either nutsack smack and castle escape. Or you'd somehow get some yeast or someshit to clog a sink… turn it on… and toss the map.

You carefully turn the corner. Towards where you think you heard the spatula hit. Oh shit… there he was… a clean run towards his nuts… Shit here we go! It's all or nothing.

You rush towards Shining Armor to give him a swift buck in the nuts. But you suddenly start to float upwards, covered in his magical aura. "Caught you!"

"What?! You were turned around! How could you even see me coming?!"

"I got ears, bug for brains" Shining confidently smirked as he turned around to face you. His ears having a small twitch.

You gulped hard. Discord… he wasn't going to show up… was he?

"What do you plan to do with me?"

"Interrogation… what else? If you're here, then your hive isn't far behind. So… you wanna tell me what you're up to now? Or do I gotta throw you into the dungeon?"

Shit..shit… Think Anon think! How the..wait… the pot..THE POT! "You really wanna know?"

"Are you actually going to tell me?"

"Yeah..You see we're gon-HYA!!" You quickly grab the pot and toss it right on his face. "Ha! Take that! finally someone else takes a… a… oh shit.." You notice that Shining's aura leaving you as you fall to the floor and hit your head, dammit, you should have seen that coming. "D-dammit..A-always the head"

No time to contemplate however. You quickly get up and run behind some counters as Shining recovers and chases after you. The hit from the pot didn't even slow him down! "You're not getting away from me!"

Great… you could have used the horn… but… nooooooooo… You made an alarm clock. Good job dipshit. You were also out of ammo. You dived into another cabinet and tried to think things through.

What were you going to do? The guards could show up at any second! You need to try to slip out somehow, because sticking around was a bad idea. You open the cabinet door slowly… And are greeted by Shining's eyes… looking directly at you. "Haha… wrong door.." You slowly close it, But then Shining uses his magic to force it open.

"Caught ya!"


Shining steps back as he uses his magic to drag you out and again hold you in mid air. You were almost to your original form. Your eyes were still the wrong color. Your mane was between your's and Twilight's, and you had little stubs where your wings should be. Your horn was super tiny.

Shining took notice you had nothing else to toss at him. "Nowhere to run now bugbreath. You're as good as caught."

"I'm telling you I'm not a changeling. If I was, Why would I change into this?"

"Probably to trick me. That's what you're all best at. But you're not gonna fool me this time"

That's what he thought… you only had one weapon left. You felt for and grabbed your invisible saddle bag and chucked it hard at his face. It hit him harder and caught him more by surprise than the pan… since he couldn't see it.

Bits, school supplies, your map, and the horn fall all over the floor. You grab the horn and stick it on your head, then grab the map and head straight for the sink. You hop up to it then smack one of the valves, making water come out of the faucet. You then put your hoof on the drain to let the water fill.

"Come on...come on...."

Shining looks at you as he quickly recovers, and is again, caught by surprise "S-sombra?..No..another trick!"

You can feel a magical grip put upon you once more. You hold on to the faucet tightly with your arms while you keep your back hoof on the drain and grab the map with your teeth. Shining Armor moves close to you, pulling and tugging harder with his magic as the guards burst in. "Let go!"

"NNNmm...NGHHHHHMNNNGHHH!" You hold on so tightly that when Shining gives another tug. The faucet breaks loose and sprays you and him with water, making you drop the map as you fall backwards. Shining stepping backwards as well as he covers his face with his hoof

"Quick, somepony grab that changeling!" Shining yells out as he hurriedly wipes away the water and loose strands of mane in his face.

But it's too late. You fall backwards right into a portal and onto your bed before any of them could make a move.

You were breathing deep, hard, you were scared shitless. "Oh..my god… am I dead?" You slowly get up, off your bed, and look into your mirror… you were sombra… it was the horn of course. You take off the horn. And look at yourself… you were back to normal by this point. You fall onto your belly with a huge sigh of relief.

"Oh holy shit… holy fucking shit… that was so goddamn close. Oh my god. Why did I even think for a second I could take him?..Fuck… I thought it'd be easy..fuck fuck… He almost had me… geez!"

It takes you awhile to finally calm down. Who would have thought being in a combat situation with good guys was scarier than mocking bugbutt… geez. "Ok… hopefully, this never comes back to bite me… wooo..." You stand up, and wipe your forehead of sweat. "...and that's...the secret huh?...Cadance is pregnant....I wonder if this ever came up in the show...probably not. Another one of those, alternate timeline things. I mean, if it did show up on the show, Discord probably could have checked it up on his own and not sent me to check up on it… nope… definitely a new thing. And a good thing too… means I won't have to spend my entire pone life as a virgin. Since..apparently ponies do indeed have sex."

And with that… you stretch, take another moment to fully relax. You took as long as a moment as you needed due to still suffering from the fear of being obliterated by Twilight's brother. After you finally calmed yourself. You went to look for Discord. "Note to self, do not fuck with ponies who can kick my ass… I can't actually beat them. Sheesh, I thought I'd stay as Twilight much longer than that… Well, it should be fine. Nobody would ever make the connection. And Shining I think… didn't see what I actually looked like… everything… everything should be ok… gonna need a new bag and supplies though… also didn't get Fluttershy a present… fantastic..."

You lament over your failures, but, you still succeeded in your mission in getting that favor crossed off your list. You head over to your floor door, open it, and head on down.

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