• Published 21st Oct 2017
  • 10,516 Views, 2,803 Comments

Dadonequus Discord (Book 1) - CrazedLaughter



Discord makes a deal with an anonymous human. The human gets to live a good life in Equestria. And Discord? he gets to have a son of his own. Of course, his only reason is to impress Fluttershy and annoy Twilight.

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Chapter 198 - Twilight Week Arc

Author's Note:

Tonight!
Anon wakes up late.
Spike writes a note.
And Discord makes a call.

Twilight puts one of the books in front of her, and one right next to her. But then she did something you didn't expect, she raised her right wing.

"Twilight? Why are you raising your wing like that?"

"Oh. I thought you'd be more comfortable if you laid close to me while we read. Fluttershy told me that you always feel comfortable when you rest under her wing...soooooo, I thought you'd feel more comfortable and relaxed reading with me if I blanketed you with my wing." She gave you a grin "I even made sure to give you the large print version of the book so you'd have an easier time reading it. We're going to have a lot of fun Anon, you just wait and see!"

.....But you were still stuck on the whole wing bit. Twilight, being a nurturing pony by blanketing you with her wing? It was hard to see in her a mother of any kind. And yet... The invite was quite tempting. You liked being close to a warm and loving body of fluff. And Twilight did look cuddly… And all things considered, considering how everything went, and the whole reason you were here with Twilight in the first place...? Yeah, it'd be best to accept her offer. "That's a nice offer Twilight. You really don't mind if I snuggle close?"

Twilight shook her head, in a way to suggest that what you said was rather silly "Of course not, we're friends right? And as your friend, I want to make this the most entertaining yet informational and, due to this also having a discussion, intellectual reading of Daring Do anypony could ever have. Not to mention the most comfortable. Now get yourself settled and we can get started!"

Well shit..ok then. You move in close to Twilight and snuggle up next to her. She wasn't quite as soft as Fluttershy. But her wing. As it wrapped around you. had a warmth similar to Celestia...but not quite there. This was actually...more relaxing than you thought it'd be.

"Comfortable?" She asks

"Yeah." You say in a soft low voice, still a little surprised by how warming she was.

She then brings your book closer to you, and then opens hers to the first chapter. "Ready to get started, Anon?"

You open your book, it was odd actually, seeing english in a book in a world of ponies. Sure, they had english words written up in the show. But, this was the actual world. The parallels always seemed more staggering seeing them in person rather than through a screen. With that, you both start reading silently...but then, reading silently actually kinds of irks you. It's not that you needed help. No, that wasn't it. And oh no no, it wasn't because you were some actual kid....nononono. It was the fact that it actually felt a little impersonal. You wouldn't know where Twilight was at in the story, and there'd be no way she'd know, so how was there to be a discussion if one accidentally ends up ahead of the other.

You stop reading, and look at Twilight. "Twilight, can we stop for a moment?"

Twilight puts down the book, and looks at you, she seemed a little worried that you stopped so soon. "What's wrong? I hope it's not too boring. I know nothing exciting has happened yet. But the beginning is always used for character developme-"

"Nonono" You interrupt her. "There's nothing wrong with the story. Actually, I'm kinda wondering if you could read out loud. So I could follow along and make sure that when we discuss the chapter, that we both actually reach it at the same time."

Twilight nodded, that actually sounded like a good idea to her. "Alright, just make sure you're also reading along so you don't accidentally mishear anything, ok?"

Easy enough. "Ok, gotcha"

"Alright then..ahrm" Twilight cleared her throat "Chapter one..."

And so she read, enthusiastically actually, putting emphasis on certain actions and doing her best impressions of the characters. She does it in such a way that you smile, and nearly giggle a few times when she tries to speak like Daring Do in a more serious moment. The first chapter would have been utterly boring without Twilight. But you still managed to read through it as she read along. You could swear you had read it once before. But it seemed so far out of memory that it didn't matter.

Discussion time was also a little overwhelming, but that was probably because you were tired and didn't see much to talk about. Twilight brought up topics about archaeological studies and why it may seem Daring Do isn't acting like a pure professional. Bringing up points that the book actually is very close, and highly accurate on information on some of the artifacts Daring Do makes mention of, and bringing up her character herself in being more knowledgeable than her more higher class colleagues.

Well of course it'd be accurate; It all most likely really happened. She was real. Though, you wondered if telling Twilight that you knew she was real would cause any real problems. Nah, best to be ignorant. But you didn't want to be a slouch in discussion either. You used your "fabled" ability to criticize anything like any good imageboard frequenter and to bring up points that the other archaeologists don't have the depth and knowledge Daring Do has due to the fact that they don't deal with any of the artifacts or their cultures first hand like Daring Do does. This actually makes Twilight stop for just a moment to think if you've actually HAVE read at least one of the books, but then comes to the conclusion that Daring Do is actually pretty popular and that you probably had a good idea of how the stories usually go.

The first chapter's discussion goes well. There was nothing really to criticize other than that and Twilight and you both basically agree with each other on the current going ons of the first chapter. Which was really just an introduction. You actually expected it to start like "Raiders of the lost ark". But considering this really happened. It probably wouldn't start mid adventure. Also, it seems your little body couldn't handle getting to chapter two, Which was Daring Do learning of the whereabouts of the Sapphire Stone. It was interesting, but not interesting enough to protect your senses from the late night and gentle tone of Twilight's voice. You fall asleep, nuzzling into Twilight just a little to get some warmth.

Twilight stops when she hears the tiny thump of the book tilting onto the bed. She looks to you. And sees your sleeping form. Then she looks up to see her pet owl, Owlowiscious, just letting out a little hoot as he observes Twilight and you from his perch. He wasn't thinking too much. Just being an owl and relaxing. And Spike of course, was already asleep by the time you even got to the castle.

Twilight uses her magic to put the books away. She then gently raises your head so she could move a pillow under it for you so you could be more comfortable. And since she wasn't going anywhere. She gets one for herself as well. "Goodnight Anon, dream of friendship and family tonight. And maybe a little adventure of your own" Twilight gave you a warm smile before snuggling up on her pillow. Tomorrow would be another day.


Day 3 begins.

You wake up slowly, your eyes opening. The first thing you were gazing at was the ceiling of the room. Hmm? "Twilight?"

You look around, she was nowhere to be seen. The room was void of occupants in fact. Huh, nobody bothered to wake you up. Was breakfast just starting or something? "Huh..."

You hop up out of bed and take a look out the window. Another beautiful day in Equestria it seemed. You decide to head downstairs to the Cutie Map room, that’s usually where everyone eventually hangs out. But when you get there, all you saw was Spike, eating a bowl of gems. "Spike? Hey, good morning!"

Spike looks up at you, and then swallows the mouthful of gems he had in his mouth. "You mean "Good Afternoon" Anon, you overslept again. That ain't healthy you know."

....Dammit. Again? "Oh...err..why didn't anypony wake me up?"

"Well, I thought you'd like the extra sleep. And Twilight and Fluttershy got called up by the map and now their off dealing with a friendship problem. So it looks like you get to spend the day with good ol' Spike" Spike chuckles to himself, feeling a sense of grandeur. "So, how did that date go? It didn't crash and burn, did it?"

......Hmmm. Funny that's what he assumed happened first. A little insulting to say the least. "Actually, it went perfect. Me and her are actually coltfriend and marefriend now."

"Wooooah" Spike stopped his eating, astonished by your words. "Seriously?"

You feel a sense of smugness from Spike's reaction.. Fuck yeah you managed it. "Yep, all in one date. Pretty good huh?"

"Yeah, sheesh." Spike claps, congratulating you on your achievement."Good job, I don't think I heard of anypony managing that in one date. I guess being the hero colt gets you some real cred with the ladies, huh?"

He wasn't wrong there. It was because you "saved" DT, and Applebloom was just from the fallout of it all. "Yeah, I guess. Speaking of which. Wait..." Hold on, it just hit you. You were going to ask why he doesn't get a girlfriend his age. But then you remember, he himself is the hero of the Crystal Empire. "Why do you go after Rarity again? You're a hero too you know, you could probably get your own special somepony back at the Crystal Empire."

"Yeah....no" Spike crossed his arms as you looked at you, dismissing your words as absolute garbage "Dunno if you know this Anon, but Rarity is PERFECTION. She's better than any gem. Not even all the gems of Equestria can compare to her. There's not a single crystal pony that is anything close to her"

You raise an eyebrow at him. "....have you even tried?"

"No...but" Spike huffs stubbornly "As I said, perfection."

Well then, if he wanted to be stubborn. Then you'd let him. You had better things to do than listen to how Rarity is so great. "Alright alright, don't have to get angry about it."

"Not angry, just saying. And before you think she's out of my league. She actually isn't...I just haven't found a way to romance her yet." Spike stops for a moment. He softened up, tapping his claws together nervously "You.....wouldn't have any surefire advice, would you Anon?"

"As I said, forget Rarity, go crystal."

"Nope, anything else?"

....Well then. "Sorry, that's all I got. You really should consider it. I'm just saying"

Spike shook his head "Bah, what do you know. Rarity is the kind of mare you have to work hard to get. If you knew her a little better, you'd know why I can't quit now."

...Welp, he's a lost cause. Just agree with him and be done with it. "Ok, Whatever you say. So uhh...changing subjects.." You look around, trying to think of something else to say. Then realize...you haven't written to Starlight yet. "...Actually, where do you guys keep your quills and scrolls or whatever. I want to write a friend of mine a letter, let her know I'm ok and such."

"Hm? Oh, I can get that for you in two shakes of a pony's tail. But Anon, I was thinking. You and me, we don't really know each other too well. And I've always felt that maybe you and me got off on a bad start, y'know? Being Discord's son and all did make everypony kinda suspicious. So I was wondering if you wanted to hang out, and...I dunno...we could go bowling or something. They got a special going at the alley today that anypony who bowls a perfect game, team or otherwise, doesn't have to pay for that game and gets an all you can eat buffet of whatever we want! I bet you and me could win it for sure"

You had to take a moment to think about it. Really? Spike wasn't a bad guy. And this did seem pretty genuine. He could be pretty based when he's not being arrogant or greedy...or a love struck cuck. Plus, you haven't gone bowling in Equestria yet. Who the fuck knows? You might actually be good at it. "You know, Spike? Sure, I'd actually would love to. Besides, I kinda wanna see everypony’s faces when we manage a perfect bowling score."

Spike seemed to get pretty pumped from those words "You mean you've done it before?"

Oh...wait. No, but you thought maybe..offscreen. That he was at least really good, or came close. He could be, right? He's got fingers. "Ahh, no actually. But I'm kind of good at bowling. What about you? I mean, we can't just say we'll bowl a perfect game and....you know...fail at it"

"Not with that attitude, come on Anon. I know you're smarter than that. We're both heroes after all. If we can beat a couple of baddies, then how hard is it going to be to win that sweet sweet prize?" Spike said, standing up in a noble-like stance.

Well, at least he was confident. And, there was nothing wrong with that. How the hell were you supposed to know if you'd fail or not? This is the land of ponies. Bowling might be easier here than in the human world. Easy enough to nab that perfect score...hopefully. "Yeah, you're right actually. Bowling shouldn't be that hard, all we gotta do is roll the ball hard and fast right? Even if we screw up a few games, I got enough cash to keep us going for a few hours."

You snicker arrogantly. Yeah, you were sure you could do it. Pony Bowling was probably easier due to ponies not even having fingers. All you have to do is adjust and you'd be able to do it in a few games. "Though we'll probably do it in less than half an hour."

"Now you're talking. Ohhhhhh yeah, this is gonna be so sweet! Ok, let me get you that quill and parchment. I'll even mail it for you if you want"

"Yeah, that'd be swell. I didn't even know your fire could send the letter to other places other than Celestia"

"...It can't. I meant I could drop off the letter in a mailbox on the way to the Bowling Alley."

....Huh… "...Oh"

With that, Spike goes and grabs you the parchment and quill. He also gives you an ink bottle. Warning you to be careful with it as he didn't want you spilling it on yourself or the cutie map. In fact. He goes back to grab a board to place under the parchment in case there was any accidents. You didn't complain, it was probably a good idea. Though....writing with a quill proved to be more difficult than you thought. You may have gotten used to a pencil, but using your mouth on the quill was difficult as fuck to even get right. How did everyone else do it?

You could also tell Spike himself was doing his best not to laugh at you "Need some help buddy? If you want, I could write down what you say. It'd go a lot faster. Trust me"

...Now you felt insulted. It shouldn't be that hard. Fuck pencils..you can do this. "No..I got this...Let me just..try this way? Maybe.." It was no use, no matter how hard you tried. using a quill was more difficult than a pencil. ".......fine. Whatever." You spit the quill out in red faced frustration. Screw quills.

"Hey, don't sweat it Anon........pf...PFHAHAHAHAHAHA" Spike falls over laughing, he couldn't help it anymore. To be defeated by a simple quill. Too hilarious.

You look down at the giggling dragon and grumble in frustration "...Whatever, at least I can get a girl"

Spike immediately stops and gives you a mean look "Hey! Like I said...perfection takes time..sheesh. Not my fault that was hilarious." Spike gets up and grabs the quill and parchment, the moment he prepares to write, he has a quick snicker. "Ok ok...start saying what you want me to write and I'll write it down."

You take a silent moment to regain your patience. Because really, you might need it. You were taking things too personally. This is the world of friendship and caring. In the end, Spike probably actually cared about you. A trait a human wouldn't truly give in such little time. Friendship is magic after all.

"Dear Starlight Glimmer, How are you? I...wait...hold on don't write that I..I mean. Write this down. How is your project plans going? I'd like to hear about the progress of that and the progress you've made with your friends. I'm super interested in hearing all about it. If you want to know what's going on with me, I'm sorta hanging out with Twilight for the entire week, getting to know her. Now I know, I know...you have your problems with her. I kinda do too, but in the end. She isn't that bad. Maybe you could give her a chance too? When everything calms down of course. Just saying, not forcing you or anything. Also, I got a marefriend. Dunno how I'm gonna get that fully worked out, but hey, I got friends here who I know I can count on if I hit a roadblock. So, yeah. That's it for now. You take care Starlight, can't wait to hear from you. Your friend, Anon.....You got all that?"

"Yep" Spike says as he rolls up the parchment after letting the ink dry. "I'll just get this prepped up and ready to go. Just..." Spike sighed. "I wish the envelopes were with the parchment. But, it's Twilight, all mailing stuff has to be sorted into its own category. And that's nearly on the other side of the castle. But I'll be back as soon as possible."

"I'll be right here...and er. Thanks Spike" Despite him being an asshole, he did also write that all down and offered to have it sent. He was a good guy, just had to get over it. That's all.

"Tch, no problem. What are friends for, huh? Be right back!" And Spike goes off, to get the parchment ready to be sent.

When he leaves the room, you sit on top of Twilight's chair and looked upon the cutie map. You could see Twilight and Fluttershy's cutie mark over two hills with homes on them. Huh....weird. Wonder what was going on with that.

..even weirder...you started to hear "Winter Wrap Up" repeat itself over and over.....in a kind of lowish quality.

Lowish quality? Wut?

You look over to the source of the sound...... "what..in the...fuck?” A cell phone. There was a cell phone ring and vibrating to the side of you. Ringing with a "Winter Wrap Up" ringtone. ....only one person knew of this kind of technology, aside from yourself. "...Discord?..."

You say his name, but nothing happens, the phone just continues to ring. You pull the phone close. It appeared to be a jet black flip phone. You flip it open, but then realize. How the fuck are you supposed to press any button with hooves? ...Ehh...there was your tongue....fine...if only to answer the phone. God, you hoped it wasn't a bomb. You use your tongue to click the green phone button, and then you press the speaker button because there was no way you were holding it to your ear.

"Discord?" But it wasn't him. It was an electronic voice

"Hello, this is a collect call from..." And then the familiar voice of bugbutt came out "Stop shoving that thing in my face before I tear YOUR face off you idiot! I don't even know what that thing is!"

Then back to the electronic voice. "Would you like to accept the charges? Press one for yes and two for no"

Charges? You were reluctant before, but you KNEW this was Discord, he just was using Chrysalis as...what a joke, just to torment her? Whatever.

Who knows what the fuck would happen if you clicked one. Then again....who knows what would happen if you pressed two.

....Yeah...better press one. You press one with your tongue. "Hello?"

"Ahhhhh, if it isn't my friend and "Son", Anon. You know, it saddens me greatly that you never call, never write. Next thing I know you'll be putting me in the old folks home and trying to collect on the inheritance."

It was definitely Discord. What the hell was he doing? "Discord?...what are you up to? What's with the phone?"

"Isn't it obvious? I can't interfere with your visit with Twilight...well I could, but at the cost of upsetting dear Fluttershy. But, there are loopholes to everything. I don't think it counts if our bug friend was the one to make the call and you yourself accepted the charges.”

You don't really think that'd fly. But you weren't going to really rat him out either. One because he was your friend and the one who made it possible, and two, you didn't want to piss him off. Besides, as long as he himself didn't act TOO much of an asshole, then you'd be fine with it anyway. You actually missed him, and also wanted to know what was going on with those pictures in your room. "Whatever you say "Dad", so, I know this sounds generic. But, what's up?"

"Oh you know, the usual. Chaos, but..And I know this would surprise ALL of Equestria, namely because not uttering my name in a conversation is cause for alarm, buuut, I'd rather hear about how you are doing. Namely, you and Twilight. Everything fine?" As he spoke, he went from his usual smugness to sounding a little concerned.

"Actually, yeah. We've been ok together. It had a bit of a rough start. But everything is fine now, we even read the first chapter of Daring Do together. Ehh, I think I fell asleep during chapter two, but you know, it was late night."

He then sounded uninterested in what you had to say. "Uhh huh, sounds fascinating. But tell me Anon, what is the answer to two plus two?"

.......Wut? "Errr....four?"

Suddenly Discord's voice booms through the cellphone, he was suddenly angry. "Ohhhh, I knew it! I KNEW IT! I JUST KNEW SPENDING TIME WITH HER WOULD TURN YOU INTO A COMPLETE LITTLE GOODY GOODY! AND NOW I KNOW FOR SURE THAT SHE HAS BEEN DOING JUST THAT! BECAUSE THERE WAS NO WAY YOU WERE SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT ANSWER BEFORE! OH NO......oh no..." He then sounded saddened, and like he lost hope. "...she hasn't had you singing songs and helping senior citizens....has she?"

What in the… "Discord....First of all, no, she hasn't. And two, I always knew what two plus two was. I'm not an idiot. Geez."

"....Hmnnn" Discord sounded unsure. "I don't think that's the truth. But I'll take your word for it for now. Anon, just remember what's important. In fact, let me remind you. Chaos. Chaos is what's important. You're my chaos buddy, a friend I can pal around with and wreak havoc without anypony being the wiser. Don't ever forget that."

So that's it. He wanted to make sure you didn't completely turn into some angelic dweeb.

"Discord. You know me, as long as we're not going too far, as long as no one is going to actually get hurt, as long as it's all in fun, then I'm with you. Though, really, you know we could just go mess with whatever evil villain is around if you really wanted. We could mess their shit up and you know I wouldn't care. So what are you worried about? What's with the pictures in my room?"

"Ahh, you've seen my growing collection of memories. They aren't much, just a collection of reminders of the "you" I care to like. I want to remember you as you are now, In case you decide to fully embrace the magic of friendship. Don't get me wrong, it truly is a wonderful thing, my time with Fluttershy...I'd even say when Twilight forgave my wrongdoings made me feel a soft warmth inside...yes, friendship is truly magic. But, you know what they say about having too much of a good thing. So, of course chaos and disorder is still a major part of my life. And I've grown quite attached to having a partner in my endeavors, yes, even when it turns out we're helping somepony. Chaos is chaos, whether it helps or hinders. Which brings me to this question. Are you sure you won't come back to me a broken pony?"

You groan a little at that. Yeah, he cared about you deeply it seemed. But he also cared about the fact that he didn't want you to not want to cause chaos anymore. "Come on Discord, Chaos is my cutie mark. Destiny, you know? Look, the only thing that's probably going to change is probably just a little less chaos making. At least to Twilight and her friends. I mean, if you want, when I get back, we can go mess with....you know, didn't Celestia have a shitty nephew or something? Cousin?...I don't remember anything about him but his name being Blueblood and the fact that he was an asshole to Rarity. We could probably torture him for awhile."

"Oohhhh, a relative to Princess Celestia you say? Yes..I think I know who you're talking about. I did take the time to watch the episodes myself after all. Though, there is a certain taste lost when you cause chaos on one who actually deserves it, so I expect us to cause a complete meltdown. I can count on you, right Anon?"

"Yeah, you can count on me. The guy is one of those smug, rich, and self obsessive types. Trust me, I'll enjoy every second of it"

Discord lets out a evil chuckle over the phone. "Good, good. Glad to hear that you're still you. I suppose I won't be needing to hold on to those memories after all. Well Anon, I don't want to take up any more of your time lest somepony happens to walk in on you during our talk. You take care, and remember. Chaos over order"

You nod. "Yeah, I got it. But hey, before you go. I kinda wanted to know your opinion on something."

"Hmmm? You're asking for my opinion? Now that IS interesting. Do tell Anon, do tell"

"Well...I sorta have a marefriend now. You know, Diamond Tiara? You spoke to her once or twice. I know at least once."

Discord starts laughing over the phone. "Are you serious?! You went for it?! Really....Oh Anon...oh....ohhhhh Anon. I feel sorry for you, I truly do. A filly, really? How silly. Especially since you could never act on those barbaric instincts of yours. Well, not unless you wanted to be in the most trouble in your life. And your original age Anon, wow...just wow. You would be thrown in prison so quickly. If you wanted me to be proud of you, I suppose in some sense I am. But I'm not impressed. Nor am I disgusted. I just find the whole thing humorous. So how exactly do you plan to keep this little infatuation with her up? Hmmm?"

...Huh, you never actually gave that too much thought. Shit. You felt stupid. Yet, with Discord's words, you also realized a few things.

"Well..err. That's the thing, I haven't really felt human for awhile, well, I haven't even felt my actual age in awhile, I dunno what it is. But some things seem and feel different. I dunno, probably just hormones or something. The point is, it doesn't feel wrong to me anymore. As for my inhibitions, I can abstain until we’re adults. It shouldn't be that hard."

"Oohh Anon, wait until you go through your teenage years. But, I'll leave it at that. No fun in explaining what I mean when you'll eventually figure it out and mull over it for awhile."

...Oh...you knew exactly what he meant already. "I was a teenager once already Discord, I think I could handle hormonal changes again."

"Maybe, but can she? Can you or her resist? Yes, ponies tend to be more moralistic. But, I wonder what happens when an outsider is thrown into the mix. In fact, I'll let you contemplate on that. It seems the call is about to end. Ta ta Anon, I really do miss you, and hope to see you again soon. And I'm glad you're doing well." His voice softened up just a bit "I mean that"

...What the hell did he mean "Contemplate on that"? Ahh fuck, he wanted to make you worry on purpose. That shitbag. He couldn't once, JUST FUCKING ONCE, not try something during any interaction. He always had to mess with you in some way, even when he was being nice. Fuck, you should have just kept your mouth shut.

"Discord wait! You can't j-"

You're interrupted by the monotone computerized voice. "Thank you for using Chaos Collect, this phone will self destruct in one second"

Fuck it, you didn't have time to throw it away. So you just closed your eyes and braced yourself. "...bastard" You say as the phone explodes in a bright white flash and loud noise. Shit, it wasn't a regular explosion. It was a damn flashbang. You fell over yelling, covering your eyes. They were flashed with a bright enough light to pierce your eyelids.

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