• Published 21st Oct 2017
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Dadonequus Discord (Book 1) - CrazedLaughter

Discord makes a deal with an anonymous human. The human gets to live a good life in Equestria. And Discord? he gets to have a son of his own. Of course, his only reason is to impress Fluttershy and annoy Twilight.

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Chapter 115


And right on the word go, everything started going flying in a sequence. The air lit up in various colors, blasts, and patterns. The sound was booming. Almost enough to cover up the "oos" and "aahs" from the crowd as everything exploded. It was a sight to behold. Either fireworks were better here or Pinkie was just better at rigging them, the whole thing nonetheless was spectacular.

After about five minutes. The show was over. As was pretty much the party. Pinkie had thanked everyone for coming of course. And to be on the look out for the next crazy party in town. Whenever that was. Fluttershy had encouraged you to personally say goodbye to as many guests as possible. As it was the courteous thing to do. You gave hugs to your closer friends, such as the CMC, Lyra and Bon Bon, and Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon was fine with a simple goodbye. As was most guests. Derpy however, was so thrilled you enjoyed the muffin that she gave you a hug that nearly choked you, it made you think how many ponies were actually capable of a fucking death grip.

Pinkie stuck around for clean up. And doing it amazingly quickly. Meanwhile Filthy Rich looked like he wanted to stick around to speak to Discord. But Diamond Tiara was pulling at him, telling him she was tired.

He couldn't let his daughter just walk home alone. So, it would have to be for another time.

While she was brooming up the trash from the ground, Pinkie came close to the three of you, leaned on the broom handle. and smiled at you "Sooooooooo Nonny, what'dya think of your first party?"

It was, pretty ok. You weren't hiding in a corner and nobody was making fun of you. the fireworks were cool. And as per the norm in this crazy magic horse land. Everyone was pretty friendly. "It was pretty awesome Ponk, I'm really glad you talked me into all this. I actually feel… like I'm really part of the town."

"Well duh! That's the whole point of the "Welcome to Ponyville" part of the party! The fireworks were for your hero part of your party. But I did have to leave out the hospital part. Since we couldn't throw the party over there and all. That's ok right?"

You nod, of course it was. She did more than enough. "Yeah, perfectly fine. I don't think a hospital would have been a good venue anyway. You know, I don't think they'd appreciate the noise."

"Really? Because that's what the doctors said too. I'd think it'd be more fun than being stuck in beds all day. But eh" Pinkie shrugged. "Annnnyyyyway, this mess ain't gonna clean itself." Pinkie goes back to brooming up the mess, singing a little tune as she does so.

Fluttershy looks to you and gives you a hug "I'm really glad you enjoyed your party Anon, I really hope it wasn't too much for you. Since you have school tomorrow and all. I don't want you to be worried about anything and not be able to sleep."

Awww, nah. There was nothing you didn't like. It was perfectly fine. "Nah, it's ok. I liked everything about the party. And best yet, everypony was just… really friendly. My tummy still hurts a little though."

"Awww, do you want me to give you a tummy rub to help it feel better?" Fluttershy asked, worried that the muffin might be hurting you more than you let on.

NOOOOOPE. Well yes, but no. You'd love a tummy rub. But you're still a male. And Fluttershy's hoof being so close… down there. No… you'd be fine. "Nah, I'm really good. I'm a big tough colt. See?" You flex your hoof. "Totally fine"

"Are you sure Anon? I don't want you having trouble sleeping because your tummy is hurting."

"I-it's fine Aunt Fluttershy, really. It's just a tiny ache." It was a little more than that. But you'd be fine.

"Don't worry dear Fluttershy, for if my son's tummy ache causes him pain most foul. Then I will commit to alleviating it post haste. For if any pain comes to my son. I will lay, gloomy, upon my bed. Feeling wretched feelings for what I could have prevented" Discord said in a very Shakespearean way. Trying to sound as dramatic as possible.

"Discord, that's very sweet of you. You do have medicine at home that can help Anon right? Because, I do have a few remedies for him if you don't."

Discord chuckled "Remedies? Oh no no, that's not how I planned to cure him"

"Then how?" Fluttershy was curious, how could he cure you without tummy rubs or medicine?

"Why, like this!" Discord looked to you with a sinister grin.


You try to run off, but as you move your hooves back and forth. You notice that they aren't pushing along the ground… it was already too late.

"D-discord?! What are you doing?! You're scaring him!" Fluttershy flew up to try to grab you, to pull you away from him. But she couldn't move her wings. "Discord?!"

"Relax Fluttershy! Just relax, it'll be over in a minute" Discord tapped himself, making scrubs appear on him as well as Fluttershy.

"D-dad, I know you like to joke, But I d-don't want this. I don't want toFEAGFEDA" But your words meant nothing to him. He reached right into your throat and started digging in.

Oh god, even if it was a joke, you could taste him. it tasted fouler than the muffin. You could feel your insides squirming from his talons. You knew if he was anyone else, your insides would be torn up by now. He then pulls it out, the entire top half of the muffin you bit into. "Nurse! the surgery was a success!" Discord drops the muffin onto a plate, and whisks it off into nothingness. "The patient is cured!"

You were, the pain was gone, replaced with a vile taste in your mouth and your insides squirming. "A-ahhhnmmmnnn… that… was nasty"

"Dhischorm mm?!" Fluttershy noticed she had a doctor's mask on, she tore it off with her hoof and stared hard at Discord "Discord! Why in Celestia did you do that?! He's your son! Look at him! You hurt him! I-I can't believe what I just saw! How could you!"

Discord cringed, he thought she'd find it funny. He immediately started tapping you to say something. "A-anon, do you mind? Tell her how you're feeling."


Discord slapped his face with his paw "Yes, and?! Do you have a stomach ache anymore?! That's what I'm asking!"

You didn't, but your tongue was gonna need a bath. "No… but I… I really need something to drink."

"WHEEEEYUUUWHEEEYUUU! NURSE PINKIE PIE IS ON THE JOB. EVERYPONY CLEAR!" Pinkie Pie gently pushed aside Discord and Fluttershy as she stuck a quarter filled soda bottle into your mouth. "Quick, one million ccs of soda pop! Stat!"

You were able to swallow it all in one gulp. Also good thing it wasn't a million fucking ccs. You don't think she knew that it meant "cubic centimeter".

"Everypony stand back! We're about to see if the medicine worked!" Pinkie took out the soda bottle and gave you a smile, booping her nose on yours "Feeling better now?"

Everything was happening so damn fast. oy, you needed a moment. "Y-yeah, thanks Ponk. Bu-"

"Wooooo! the entire operation was a success! Come on Doctor Discord! How about a hoofpump!" Pinkie Pie raised her hoof up high.

Discord just stared at it, he didn't know what the hell she meant "What?"

"Come onnnn! You know, a hoofpump for a job well done! Don't leave me hanging!" Discord looked to Fluttershy, who looked so confused. She didn't know to be mad at Discord, happy you were feeling better, or just weirded out by the fact Pinkie just joined in so fluidly.

Not wanting it to seem any more awkward or unpleasant, Discord gives Pinkie that hoofpump she so desired. "I suppose we make… some kind of team."

Fluttershy tried to clear her head of worry by checking on you. your wellness was her first priority. And she wanted to make sure you were ok, absolutely sure. "Anon?...are you alright? Really? You're not hurt?"

You were able to put your hooves back on the ground. If it wasn't for that super sweet sugary soda. You'd still be tasting something worse than foul. Ugh, as much as you were annoyed right now from all the quick zaniness. Discord and Pinkie DID fix you right up. "Yeah, I am actually feeling better. But..." You turn to Discord. "You mind giving me a little warning before you do something like that? Dad..."

You stared at him with a stern look.

That, you felt, was truly invasive. You were honestly scared he would actually hit something vital. And even when you realized he wouldn't, still. a little warning is appreciated.

"Anon, you had a stomach ache. Would you have really let me just stick my talons in you if I simply asked?" Discord asked you.

"Urmm… I think I would have asked you to just, you know. Teleport it out of me? I know you can do that."

"I could, but then, how would I know if I got every single crumb if I just used my magic blindly? I'm not psychic."

"I, err. I mean, you could have just at least asked anyway"

"And what would you have said?" Discord then turned to Fluttershy "And Fluttershy, if he did say yes, would you have let me do it?"

"W-well. I… would have suggested medicine..Like I did"

Discord rolled his eyes. "Ooooh, medicine" He waved his paw and talons "That would have worked. In what? An hour or two? My method was clean, safe, and as you can see. Anon is much better now for it. I'm sure my nurse, Pinkie Pie. Could vouch for me"

"Yay! I really am a nurse now!" Pinkie Pie whipped out a nurse's hat from… again… out of nowhere. And went and gently tapped your tummy "Did that hurt, Nonny?" She came out of nowhere yet again.

It didn't, all it did was make you feel a little warmer from her touch. "No, it's really fine. And..." Discord was right, all in all, you were the one that hit him. You were the one who caught the muffin in your mouth. And medicine does take time. And if he was telling the truth about the whole "teleport" thing. Then, he really did do you a favor. As did Pinkie.

"Aunt Fluttershy, you don't need to worry. I think Dad is right on this one. Medicine does take awhile. And, I think it's better the muffin was out of me all together than it just sitting in there. And for that..." You turn to Pinkie and Discord. "Thanks Dad, thanks Ponk. You guys did me a solid."

"Ahh it's no biggie! Anyway, it's getting late soooooo" Pinkie swapped her nurse's hat for a janitor's hat. "Back to work for me! seeya later!" And so she went. Back to clean up.

"Finally! Somepony understands the value of doctors! Speaking of which, Anon. Your bill." Discord snaps a bill of expenses right in front of you.

You look at it, then get a clever idea of your own. Well, as long as it was the same in Equestria as it was on earth. "But… I'm so young. I think my daddy should sign it. I think that's the legal thing to do."

"But..I am your father, and your doctor" Discord smirked at you, thinking he had you.

"Yup, so I guess "The Chaos Hospital" is gonna be fitting the bill on this one."

Fluttershy, noticing the joke and already feeling better that you were feeling better. starts to giggle. "Oh my, that's actually very clever. And Discord, he is right. You'd be the one covering the hospital bill. You are his father."

"What? That's nonsense! A child should be able to fit their own bill. Give me a moment!" Discord popped some legal documents right in front of himself, took out his brain, rubbed it all over the papers, popped it back, then poofed the documents away. ".....drat."

You start laughing, you didn't know if he was actually taking it seriously or not. "Dad, you know you don't actually have to pay it off right? It's your joke."

You needed this, Discord looked absolutely befuddled that his joke turned on him simply because he sucked at legalisms.

"It's the principle of… ARGH! Whatever, I can only be glad there isn't a crowd to see this. In anycase, we should be going. School is tomorrow and I want to get to that muffin. So, to speed things along" Discord poofed your gifts away, including the scarf you were wearing. "I'll put these in your room for safe keeping so you needn't lug them around. Consider it my payment,"

"So you're both going home now?" Fluttershy asked.

It seemed you both were… Though, you wanted to stick around a little while longer. You checked your saddle bag. And the blank card was still in there. You could walk to the fountain, dip it in, see what it said, then go home. You were afraid to touch the sink in Discord's house. It's water wasn't clean. You knew that much.

"I… actually want to stick around a little bit. I want to see what that blank card is all about."

"But what about school? You need your rest Anon" Fluttershy warns

"I'll be fine, it'll just be a quick hop to the fountain. I'll dip in the card. And it'll all be good. It'll take me five minutes tops."

"Mmmm… still, what do you think Discord?"

Discord shrugged "Being a child aside, I trust him. Besides, if he takes too long. I have an alarm set up to get him ready if he oversleeps."

...ohh… yeah… yeah he did.

"O-ok then, I'll be heading home then. And Anon..." Fluttershy walked up to you and gave you a kiss on the forehead "I love you, don't take too long, ok?"

Aww… you give a kiss on Fluttershy's cheek and smile. "I love you too Aunt Fluttershy, I'll be super quick. Promise."

"Ok then… Goodbye you two." With that, Fluttershy flies off. Giving a goodbye to the working Pinkie Pie. Who seemed to be just about done.

"Hrnn.." Discord watches Fluttershy fly off, then turns to you "Anon… please don't take too long"

Huh? "I thought you didn't care how long I took..."

"I do..and don't. I do, because I'd rather you get up, nice and rested. See Fluttershy in the morning. And give her a hug. Your presence really does make her smile."

...Awww. "I won't take too long. And, that's really sweet Discord. You know, I think it's pretty cute when you're affectionate like that. I bet Fluttershy would like it a lot if you were like this more often. But, what do you mean you don't? Does it have to do with me having my own time to explore Ponyville or something?"

"Oh no no, it's just I do get quite the kick from seeing you hit the wall. Gets me everytime"

Well… that ended that moment quickly.

"Yeah… I'll… be back soon. But don't wait up for me."

"Of course I won't. That'd just be boring. So long Anon." And with that, Discord teleports off.

You turn to Pinkie and give her a wave. "Have a goodnight Ponk! Seeya later!"

"Seeya later Nonny! Hey, when you get the chance, let me know what that card said. Because if it doesn't say who it came from, I know I'd probably be able to figure it out just from the hoofwriting… I've memorized everypony in Ponyville's hoofwriting you know."

Creepy… but that's ponk. For her, it was no doubt for party purposes. "I'll let you know."

And with that, you headed towards the fountain with the card. The only thing you could think of from this card that would worry you is if it turned out to be from a female… that wanted your dick. You don't think you could handle Applebloom and Diamond Tiara going pure offensive mode from that.

You head over by the fountain near town hall. This would be easy, dip the card. Read it. Dump map. Go home. Easy as apple pie. Upon reaching the fountain. You take out the card. "Here goes nothing"

You dip it and pull it out. "...hmmm" Nothing appears, you try again, but let it soak a little.

Still nothing. "I guess Ponk was wrong, or… maybe the water is not warm enough?" You dip in your hoof, it felt kind of warm. "...huh..maybe it's just a joke gift. Though, I don't get the jo- hrnnn?"

The card started to glow a soft blue color. "...ohhhh, ok. I get it. It's one of those glow in the dark wall pad things. Huh. Whoever got it for me must have thought I would think this was cool or something. Eh… Well. Maybe Chrysalis would like it."

You go to stick it back into your saddle bag. But then you notice something. You couldn't let go of the card. You take your hoof back out and shake it. "Agh, or it WAS a joke card. I don't even feel any glue on… WHAT HEY!"

Suddenly the card clamped around your hoof. "What in the f..UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

And before you could finish your sentence, it started pulling you. covering you in a blue aura as you zipped through the town, then outside through the outskirts, into the everfree, and towards a cave. Screaming all the while. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The card continued to pull you deeper inside. Until it started to slow down, and then slam you into a wall full of fluffy white pillows. "OMPH!"

You hit the pillows, and fall to the ground. Hitting your head on thankfully… more pillows. "...ogh...w-what...happened?"

You shake your head and quickly stand up to look around. There was, a shitton of books around. a simple bed. a table. And candles everywhere, all alit. Who the fuck lived here? What fucking happened?

"Oh no, I'm not doing with this… I'm..gonna......oh no.."

You reached for your saddle bag. And… it wasn't there. It must have fallen somewhere during the trip. You quickly started looking around for it. "Oh geez, where is it! Where did I drop it?!"

This was bad, this was really really bad. Without the contents that laid inside your bag. You were helpless. You came to terms to that and knew whoever, or whatever was in this cave was probably not something you could fight. What if it was a fucking Ursa Major… that somehow learned to read?

Then you noticed a soft blue glow in one of the corners of the cave. And a voice. "Welcome, Anon"

That voice....

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