• Published 21st Oct 2017
  • 10,514 Views, 2,803 Comments

Dadonequus Discord (Book 1) - CrazedLaughter



Discord makes a deal with an anonymous human. The human gets to live a good life in Equestria. And Discord? he gets to have a son of his own. Of course, his only reason is to impress Fluttershy and annoy Twilight.

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Chapter 160

Author's Note:

Tonight!
Discord does a spin.
The two go through some mail
And Anon fails an accent

Fuck, It seemed Discord had followed you. And what's worse, he heard you talking to yourself.

"Anon, has anyone told you how creepy it is to talk to yourself? It's unnerving to those who eavesdrop on you. Such as myself"

You look around, but you couldn't see him. "Discord.....Can we not do this now? I'm in the middle of something important."

"Oh Yes, I can tell. So important that you scared your poor little lover away."

You sigh, looking all around for him. You could feel your anger building.
"Look asshole, don't fuck with me right now. This is a real issue that I'm dealing with. And I don't need you fucking it up. Go bother someone else!"

"On the contrary Anon, I actually am willing to lend out my services once again."

wut?
"Once again?...what?"

"Yes" Discord chuckles "Don't tell me you forgot about Manehatten. I was the "Magnificent Q"...remember?"

...oh shit....that's right. That happened.

You let your guard down a little. You remember him being genuine during that whole fiasco. He actually really cared to try to do it right and treat you like his partner. It ended in failure....but still.

"......Yeah.." You calm down a little more "yeah....so, you want to help me with this? Really?"

"I do, how else am I supposed to rub it in Twilight's face that we can solve friendship problems too if we don't actually go out and do it. And I'd rather not do it alone. That's why we're partners."
Of course he'd have a reason to have that'd try to ruin another person's day. But, you had no idea how to do this by yourself. And he'd probably not be willing to give you any extra charges on your horn. You had to make sure he was going to stay on point. This was delicate. This was a family issue between a sensitive little girl and an indisputably monstrous megabitch.
"....So you're really gonna help me with this?....and you promise not to bail on me or sabotage it?"

"Anon, Anon. That hurts. I thought for sure my previous performance would have convinced you that you could trust me. Do you really need to question me? Do you really think I'd up and leave you? I'm....really am hurt..." You could hear Discord lowly sobbing. and as you did. you started to sniffle and nearly sneeze as a liquid booger streams out your nose.

oh god...he was in your nose. "Ok! Ok!" You sneeze, step back, sneeze, step back, then fall backwards sneezing "I-'m sorry ok! Geez! G-g-g-geACHOO!" You wipe your nose and try to get the boogers to stop "Y-you can get o-o-out of my nose no-w. G-g-gACHOO!"

You sneeze again as Discord pops out as a tiny little being. He does a spin, lands on his head as he scrunches up, then springs upwards as he grows to normal size quickly and raises his arms as confetti flies everywhere. "Ta Daaaaaaa!"

You were wiping your nose as you give out another sneeze. geez, ugh. He did that on purpose.

Discord span around and looked down at you. "Well, how rude. If you were going to be sick then why did you even show up?"

You give a little cough and finish off wiping your nose with your leg. You look back up at him.Angered, but...not enough that you'd shun away his help.
"Don't even. geez, You can't resist fucking with people, can you?"

"Anon, if there's something fun that you liked to do. Would you keep yourself from doing it?"

.....that's a loaded question
"No..but if it was something bad or dangerous. Then I would"
"Let me rephrase, do you enjoy fun at all?"

You got what he implied by that. He wanted to hear you say yes to unbiased fun. No matter how chaotic it was. "...I do...Ok, I admit. When I had the horn, I did do some pretty cool stuff with it. Stuff other ponies would probably not really like if they knew it was me."

Discord smiled and zipped towards you, giving you a gentle shake on your shoulders "There see? Was that so hard to admit? Now then." Discord held out his talons towards you "Shall we give this friendship problem solving thing another go?"

You looked up at him. You could never tell if he was being genuine. But if it was going to be anything like last time. Then...you felt you could trust him. He wasn't all bad about it really. You two were great together when it came to upsetting Chrysalis the first time.....although that did lead to her eventual stay in the house.

You reach up and shake his talons. "Let's do it. But where do we start? You can't just teleport us straight to Spoiled Rich. Can you?"

Discord shook his head "'fraid not. But don't fret. We get to do one of my favorite past times to figure out where she may be"

hmm? "What's that?"

Discord outstretched his paw to an amazing length. And literally pulled reality apart and then together to pull the both of you into Filthy Rich's study. As if he was grabbing the background to a scene, you both appeared right there. And thankfully, there was nobody around. ".....sifting through other ponies's mail."

"W-woah...that was weird"

You were a little disoriented from that. You never warped in such a way before.

Discord was opening the drawers to Filthy Rich's desk and pulling out everything he can. Then when he got everything. He started shuffling everything like a deck of cards.


"What are you doing?"
Discord started to throw the mail down on the desk in two stacks like a poker dealer. "Dealing the cards. Just look until you find one on our target."

"What if we get caught?"

Discord started to pick up envelopes and tearing them open. "Then we better hurry, shouldn't we?"

Not an especially good plan. Considering you had no idea if Filthy or one of his maids would come in at any second. But, it was a plan nonetheless.

You started looking at the envelopes with haste, then stop to take attention to Discord.

hmmm, he had the ability to tear them open like a human. And some of these letters didn't have the sender on them. You had to use your teeth to tear them. Time consuming yeah. It made you panic and tear in abandon. even if it ruined some of the paper inside.

After a few moments of tearing. You finally find it. "Aha! Discord look, I got i-...huh?"

You look up at him. He was looking at a letter. You didn't know what it was. But it couldn't be the right one. "Discord, yo....I got the letter"

"hmm? oh yes, good job. hmm.." Discord puts the letter he had in the envelope, and seemingly rewinds time on it. Making the envelope like new and unopened. He then pockets it.

And you take notice "What was that?"

"Nothing, Just a letter I found interesting"

"Well...then put it back. You're gonna put everything back as if we never touched it right?"

Discord nodded "Indeed, so if that's the letter..." Discord snaps his fingers. making a copy of the letter and making everything else self repair and go back into the desk. "Then we're done here....so then, what does it say?"

...did he put back the letter he had? You couldn't tell...whatever it was, it caught his interest. Ohh..wait. It might be whatever Filthy Rich is still trying to ask him about. He has been persistent about that.
"Let's see....hmm. Apparently there's problems going on with the Fiillydelphia branch. Loss in profits...yadda bla. Seems she is going there personally to make some changes. Though the way she worded it in this letter was pretty extreme. I didn't think Filthy had these kinds of problems with his workers. Didn’t really know much about his business really other than it being Barnyard Bargains"

Discord shrugged as he took the letter and slipped it back in it's envelope, repaired it, and placed it with the rest inside the desk. "Everything falls apart in some way or another. And while I love chaos. Others prefer order. And so they try to fix the problem"


"...Actually, I think it's just because she wants to make more money."

"Yes, well....that too. In any case, we should move on to the next phase of our little adventure"

"What's that?"

"We go to Fillydelphia and make ourselves known of course."

woooah nooo
"Yo woah woah...let's not get hasty. This isn't like last time. She's probably going to be very disagreeable about meeting in a private spot. We're gonna have to take this to her in a place we wouldn't be bothered. And we need to have good disguises."
"Hrn? Anon, come on.that didn't work the last time. I say we go in and show her true horror for the atrocities she has caused.....it'll be fun" Discord grins a toothy grin

You shake your head. You'd really WOULD love to do that. You really would. But Diamond Tiara's well being hung in the balance. And even if you forced Spoiled to be a better parent, she would have never done it of her own will if she was forced.
"No, look...I've got a feeling I know where she's going to be. There's probably an office she's sitting at while she's barking at other ponies to get work done. We need some good disguises to get up into that room without alarming anypony. Then, once we're in there. Bam, we lock everything and make sure we can't be heard."

"Then why not skip everything? Why would we need to go through everypony if we can just teleport right into her office?"

"Because, if we don't get a private meeting with her. Then somepony that needs or wants to speak to her will try to get in. And once they can't. They'll know something is up. We gotta get in there and make sure nopony would have a reason to disturb us."

"ohhhh...I see. How........utterly boring and a waste of my talents."

You sigh
"Discord, this isn't supposed to be entertaining. We're supposed to be solving a friendship problem here. Not causing chaos. This is serious."

"Nothing is too serious Anon. I know what I'm doing...."

Discord raises his talon and snaps, making you both instantly appear above Fillydelphia as Discord looks around with a telescope.

The city from this height looked...not really as happy and clean as most of Equestria. It looked like a regular old city from back in the industrial days. Low tech and full of brick skyscrapers. Even Manehatten looked better.

"...I understand that it's serious. And for you, I'm willing to play by the rules. Just understand that if your plan goes south then I'm going to do things my way. Understand?"

You had to take some time to think. You couldn't not ask him to back out now. You both were already this far and you'd doubt he'd like being asked to jump ship. The best you could do is if that scenario became a reality. Was to not go to crazy with it.

"...ok, but don't do anything that would cause a public outcry ok? Spoiled Rich, I think anyway, is pretty powerful"

Discord let out a small chuckle "Pfft, are you serious? She doesn't even have a horn"

You shake your head "No, I mean she's financially powerful. Discord, she could ruin everything if we piss her off.To a point that I don't even think Celestia could fix. She'd be like a dirty politician and run a smear campaign so powerful that, well, it wouldn't be good for either of us. We really REALLY gotta be careful. Ok?"

"....you do know I could just toss her in another dimension and be done with it,correct?"

You knew he could. And under any other circumstance. That'd be ok. But if that happened. You'd be ruining both Diamond and her father.
"Yeah..I know. And I totally wouldn't mind if you did. But, we need her to change for the better. We need her to see how much she's hurting Diamond Tiara. That's why we gotta trust each other on this. Use our strengths, and make up for our weaknesses. This has to be a total reformation thing."

"You're really taking this seriously. Does Diamond Tiara really mean that much to you?"

You...couldn't really say she didn't. Your guilt was too great to say no. And you were going so far as to risk a good thing as your current life to go and fix hers.
"Y-yeah, she's a friend. This is what friends do for friends.It's that simple"

Discord smirked evilly at you "You want to try answering that again in front of Chryssie? I wonder what'd she say?"
You narrow your eyes at Discord
"What are you implying?"

Discord's smirk turned into that of a cruel smile as he pokes your chest "I think you've grown a soft spot for the little filly. You know the kind of soft spot I mean."

nooope, you shake your head profusely.
"Nope, noooo, eh eh. Nah. She's too young for me remember? She isn't my type"

"She WASN'T your type you mean. But considering how boyish you are. You both make the perfect couple. Or are you going to tell me Fluttershy is wrong? Because this time, it seems to be quite the real love connection"

noooo....nah. You didn't have any kind of feeling for Diamond Tiara, impossible, poppycock, utter bullshit. She was just a friend. Juuust a friend. A good friend. One of your best at this point. But nooooo....
"Fluttershy IS wrong. I'm just trying to help a friend and you're being a colossal ass. Partners...remember? We gotta focus."


"We have time, Come on Anon. You don't like her just a little? You don't find anything about her adorable? Are you going to honestly tell me that on a quiet, romantic evening that you wouldn't enjoy her naively cuddling against you until she fell asleep?"

....that did sound sort of...NO!
"NO!...geez! come on, she's a damned kid Discord. Christ. Remember the rules? The rules you yourself set for me?"

Discord nodded and gave you a toothy grinning chuckle as he rests his head on his arms, looking directly at you. "I do. And it mostly had to do with doing the business. There's nothing wrong..."

Discord's voice began to change as he turned into his femalish counterpart again as he gently wrapped around you."....with a little cuddling"

For just a moment, looking at his now sexy self, you felt a gentle warmth...But that was still him. And upon that realization. You struggle like prey caught in a snake.
"DISCORD STOP! THATS CREEPY! YOU'RE A GUY!"

"oohhh~ I can be whatever I want to be~" He whispers gently in your ear.

"....let me go, now!"

"You suuuure~"

damn he sounded hot. But god...he's still a dude. And you had a job to do.
If Discord was actually a girl...maybe..you'd let him wreck you.....woo...bad thoughts.
"Y-yes I'm sure! L-Let me go!"

"Alrighty~ bye bye anon!"

Discord waves to you as he unwraps from around your body. Causing you to plummet downwards. Screaming along the way.

"....huh....you'd think with all that cartoon knowledge he babbles about that he would have saw that one coming. Oh well" Discord shrugs

You fall screaming, spiraling downwards towards the pavement until suddenly you stop. Coming to a crash but with no actual impact. You couldn't see a thing. You had your eyes closed for your supposed final seconds.

"....I swear Anon, how do you keep falling for such ruses? I'm starting to think Twilight has a better handle on them than you do....and that's just sad."

You slowly open your eyes. In front of you was Discord....sort of. He was in disguise as some sort of pony with a four leaf clover in his ear and money bags for a cutie mark.

"...D-Discord?" Your voice was still shaky from shock

"Only to you, remember? We have a job to do. No time for dilly dallying like you have been. Yelling with your eyes closed" Discord rolls his eyes "Really, how childish"

....typical. He would never be able to resist taunting you. At this moment you tried not to get too butt flustered over it...but you still felt butt flustered.
"Whatever..."

You look around, you were in the middle of the city. There were ponies all around. Waling, ignoring, pushing through their day.
"...Where are we exactly? Shouldn't we be looking for wherever Spoiled is at?"

Discord points silently upwards.

"Wha?..." You look up, you are in front of a tall building with Filthy Rich's face plastered on it. Along with his company name and logo. This was a much fancier Barnyard Bargains alright. Or Maybe it was something else. "....oh"
You began to calm down. He was just fucking with you. You couldn't let yourself get too riled up. You had a mission to do. And you knew that he knew that too.
"Discord..look. Please, just relax ok? Please? I want to do this without any chance of us screwing up. I need you to be serious"

Discord looked at you with a stoic yet slightly annoyed face. "Very well. But seeing as I have the advantage of magic. You will follow my lead until an opportunity arises where we must shift focus...understand?"

You thought about making him Pinkie Promise. But there was a serious tone in his voice. One of preparedness. He didn't fuck you over the last time you both did this. He even defended you when Suri made light of you. You were just still a little annoyed with him. But if you yourself didn't stop. You'd be the one ruining the mission.
"I understand...so, what's the plan?"
"Easy boyo!" Discord went into an irish accent. "When you're the owner of the eastern island conglomerate of businesses. Ya can get anywhere!"

You raised an eyebrow "Are there even a thing as Irish ponies?"

"Don't be daft, course they are. Just, we don't call em Irish ya see. Annnnyyhoo. Allow me to introduce meself. I'm Oodles 'o Moneybags. Owner of the Conglomerate High Association Of Superiority!"

......you weren't even sure those words went together.
"....ok then. And who am I? I can't exactly see myself."

"Ahh, no worries. Ya see, you're my stalwart young ward,apprentice, and son...Gold Coin. Now how does that sound?"

"Ummm....that works. Fits the theme I guess."


Discord grumbled at you and gave you a poke "Yer accent my boy, yer accent."

Oh right..
"Oh...erm. Top o' the mornin' to ya dad. This be the building we be goin into this wonderful day?"
Not perfect, but, you hoped it'd be good enough.

"....it'll have to do. Now, let us make haste as to not miss the old hag." Discord steps towards the large double doors of the building. And as you take a step forward. You come to a dead halt. You can't move forward. "Dis-..a-ahmm mean Ood-..Ah mean Dad...I can't move"

Discord looks back at you with a glorious smirk of smug. "Course not, ya gotta try harder if ya want to lug around my pocket money"

pocket money?

You look backwards. You could see you were attached to a wagon with huge bags of bits.

...god fucking dammit "Are you serious?"

Discord let out a sneering chuckle ".....have to fit the part Anon...have to fit the part"

You pull, but goddamn, this shit is heavy. You were moving at a slow as shit pace.
"Could....you....at...least...make...it...lighter?...geez...laweez.."

"Sorry, can't make things look too easy. It'd look suspicious. Now come along Anon. We have work to do"

...dammit

You struggled, and pulled, and sweated just to get the damn carriage through the front door. All the while you suppressed the urge to just say fuck it. You had to trust in Discord. No matter how smarmy he was being.

As you enter. You take a look around the entrance lobby. There was a single effeminate male earth pony behind a desk, with a long blonde mane, glasses, and a revolving door as a cutie mark. Typing on a typewriter, talking on the intercom, and shifting an eye towards Discord every now and again.

"....can I help you?" The pony said. Never actually making eye contact.

"Indeedy you can, my little lad and I have a two o' clock with the runner of this fine establishment, a Mrs.Rich. She's in, I suspect."

The pony took a quick look at you, then down at a rotating notekeeper. After a quick full rotation. He looks back at Discord. "Sorry, but she doesn't have a two o' clock."

"No two o' clock? NO TWO O' CLOCK! i REALLY HOPE YOU'RE NOT TELLING THAT TO ME! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! DO YOU SEE THOSE BAGS OF MONEY MY YOUNG WARD BRINGS INTO THE ROOM?!"


The pony scootched back as Discord leaned close with an angry growl.

"I'Im S-Sorry! B-b-b-b-ut you don't have a 2-2-2 o' c-clock. I-I don't even know w-who you are!"

Discord scootched back, and made an expression of pure embarrassment. "ooh, well excuse me manners, I be Oodles o' Moneybags. My card.." Discord pulls out a gold card and slides it across the pony's desk.

The pony, still in fright, stays still for a moment. Making sure Discord wouldn't confront him again. Then he gulps and slowly takes a look at the card. "I-I s-see...erm...Mr.Moneybags...erm." He takes a look at the bags of bits on top of your wagon "Are...those even real?"

"Are they even real? Goldie! The pony asks if they are even real? Ain't he a card? Why don't ya pull down a bag, and show this gentlecolt how real it is"

You nod
"Righto dad!"

You say in a cute, near irish way as you try to get your head through the pull ring. You struggle, but after some time. You get your head out with enough force to fall backwards, bump into the wagon, and a bag of bits lands on your head as it spills bits everywhere.

Your eyes spin as you groan in pain. If it's not you landing on your head, it's something else landing on top of it,

The pony kept his eyes on the coins, almost hungrily. "W-well, I'd like to give you an apology Mr.Moneybags. And I'd also like to apologize that I can't fit you into a two o' clock as Mrs. Rich is very busy. But we have an opening at five if you'd like. Though that's if she hasn't left yet...is that alright?"

Discord smirked and pointed to the spilled bag. "I don't know about that boyo. How about instead I give ya all those little gold pretties and the bag that goes along with it if ya let her know we're coming"

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