• Published 21st Oct 2017
  • 10,514 Views, 2,803 Comments

Dadonequus Discord (Book 1) - CrazedLaughter



Discord makes a deal with an anonymous human. The human gets to live a good life in Equestria. And Discord? he gets to have a son of his own. Of course, his only reason is to impress Fluttershy and annoy Twilight.

  • ...
66
 2,803
 10,514

PreviousChapters Next
Chapter 291

Author's Note:

Tonight!
There's a ninja
There's a reporter
And there's a bear

"Hard way or easy way, huh? Look, for one, there's no story here. So all you're doing now is doing some creepy stalking. And two? Even if there was a story, I wouldn't be willing to talk to you."

"Why not? I'm a journalist, kid, It's my job, it's what I do." Good news explains to you, acting hurt from your words. "Why ya gotta be so harsh?"

"Because you're nosy, intrusive, and rude. And that's me being nice."

"Oh, you're talking about what happened when we first met. Pft, thing of the past, kid. I've learned to be better about these things. So come on, level with me. Just give me a statement on this story I'm doing and I'll be out of your mane." She holds up her notepad and pencil as she prepares to write.

"About what even? Nothing's happened recently" Nothing worth telling this bitch.

Good News snickers. "Nothing happens he says, that's a good one kid, a real zinger. You do know I was at the Crystal Empire the other day, right? Wanted to cover that whole Crystalling thing or whatever."

"Uh huh, ok? If you want a statement on that then fine. Since I'm sure you knew I was there, it was nice...now go away."

But she wouldn't leave, she didn't even write your statement. There was more to this. But you yourself weren't about to tell her shit about anything else that happened that day. "Yeahhhh.....Not interested in the Crystalling anymore, didn't even make it due to a sudden snowstorm, stopped the train dead. And so when I finally DID get there, the princess and prince didn't even want to talk to me. Pretty rude if you ask me. I guess once things are over you can go back to being royally snooty" She seemed pretty insulted about the whole thing.

"Or it's because you probably tried to get near their daughter without their permission" You were just narrowing your eyes at her. You could tell that was it.

"Pft, kid, let me tell ya. If it was my daughter? I'd let the press get a good look at her. But eh, I digress. Let's just get to the interesting part."

Interesting part? Fucking...hell. Did she mean Discord's photo shit?

"Seriously? If this is about my dad, then let me say this and then you can leave. He ripped off some ponies by offering free photos of the newborn princess. BUT they shouldn't even feel ripped off because it was offered for free. And given his reputation, they probably shouldn't have trusted him. There, we done?"

"Ah ah ah" Good News smirks as she waves her pencil at you. "Kid, you are aware I had to spend a few nights at the hotel, right? As part of the whole package set up for me as a member of the Equestrian Word"

What the fuck was she getting at? "Ok?...Annnnd? Look, if you don't get to the point, I'm just gonna walk. I noticed your rough partner isn't with you, so it's not like you can stop me."

"Fine, fine. I'll get to the point, kid. I'll get EXACTLY to the point" She walks past you, tapping her chin, pondering. "So Anon, when I was up one morning out and about, I noticed out of the corner of my eye....A cute little colt heading into the mountains. A colt wearing a necklace just like yours."

..........Oh shit. "....A-and? I'm the hero colt. Remember? Probably just a fan copying my style." Don't sweat it Anon, she had no proof it was you.

"Mhmm, kinda like your name was 'Lotsa Arrows' before, right? Nah kid, I saw you with that apple filly's pup. Didn't take you to force a puppy to use as a guide, but I guess he had a nose for sniffing out royalty. Get what I'm saying now? Or do I need to spell it out for you?" She was looking at you dead in the eyes. As if she had you.

But you still had an ace up your sleeve. "That's REALLY none of your business but..." You shrug, looking pretty stoic about the information she told you. "Look around, we're in town. All I gotta do is shriek and everypony will come running to save me from the big scary mean lady."

Good News snickers. "Is that right, kid? Didn't you notice?"

Notice? "Notice what?"

"Ain't nopony around us" She waves her hoof from left to right to show you...that she was right. It was suddenly so...eerie

"..What in the....What's going on?"

"Alright Shadow Sheet, show em'" She looked back as suddenly everything became wavy...like you were in a dream.

Then everything disappears in a cloud of smoke as you appear in.....a open field? A few trees… and the town was… a good distance away… What the fuck?! "Wh-what the?! What's going on?!"

"Shadow Sheet, mind showin' yourself, hun?" Good News smirked as she looked at one of the trees.

Suddenly, a sheet is thrown off the side of the tree, it was camouflage colored like the bark from the tree itself. A skinny, medium sized stallion garbed in a black ninja suit jumps forwards and lands at Good News side. You couldn't tell what his mane or coat color was, but his eyes were an emerald green. He was also a unicorn, with his small horn poking up, also covered by the tough fabric. He took a bow after landing. "As you wish, Gouda News"

Good News let's out an embarrassed chuckle. "No, Shadow, it's Good News. Not Gouda. Gouda is a cheese."

"But that's what I said, Goooouudda News." His accent, was heavily Asian. Japanese stereotypical maybe.

"Sweetie, do you remember what I said about names? And how important it is to get it right?" She looked to him with a sweet smile

"Yes! You arso exprain your great disdain for most dishonarabu cheeses." He just stared at you as he said all this, as if you were some sort of target.

"Good! You understand. Now, say my name slowly....Go"

"Goo" He says quickly, without worry or embarrassment.

"ood" She says with a strained smile.

"Oood" He says a little slowly, trying to get it right.

"Now put it together and what do you get?" She rolls along her hooves hoping he understood.

"Gooouda!" He says, ignorant of his own failings.

"....." She facehoofs and then turns towards you, forcing a smile as she sighs. "Bit of a language barrier there, being from Haysia and all."

...She hired....a fucking....ninja. A fucking ninja...fuck, you didn't even have to ask about being where you were. He must have pulled some Naruto illusion magic bullshit. "You gotta be kidding me. Fine, so you somehow got me to walk out here to get me alone. Cool, that's nice and swell, you hired a flippin ninja. Neat. But did you forget?" Fuck it, you'd just use the horn. "I've got the GAH!"

The moment you reached for your horn, Shadow Sheet threw a ball at you that exploded into smoke.

"Woah! Hey! Shadow Sheet, What are you doing?! You don't assault our marks like that! I mean...not always, depending...What's the big idea anyway?" Good News was actually shocked over Shadow Sheet's move. Seems she didn't expect him to go that far.

"Honorabu Gouda News, I onry thought he was going to attack you, but do not worry! That smoke is not rethal, and wirr keep him stirr for interrogation!" He points to you as you fall to your side.

"W-what?! What...WHAT?! WHAT'S GOING ON!?" You couldn't move your legs. They were stiff and numb. That bastard used some sort of ninja gas shit on you. "I CAN'T MOVE!"

"So...what you're saying is that gas bomb thing won't let him move? And now I can just drill him on what I need to know despite it being wrong and unethical?" Good news wondered as she tapped her chin with her pencil.

"Preciserey" He exclaims.

"Oh...well. That just makes my job easier" She smirks as she sits down in front of you, ready to write. "Well kid, looks like you're out of moves. So, how about you tell me what you were doing with Princess Luna, huh?"

She didn't know? Did she not hear anything? Was she not close enough or something?

Whatever, you were also fucking pissed. You were caught off guard...AGAIN! "....You...What? You didn't hear anything? Are you deaf? Moron..."

"Eh, that's what happens when you swap for the better models. They usually have a quirk or two that keeps them from being perfect." Good News says to herself as she paces around you, ignoring your comment and making sure Shadow Sheet can hear her.

Shadow Sheet bows "Forgive me. But you must understand that great moon spirit is not to be trifred with. Getting too crose wourd have made her angry, making her shoot beams of death and pain from her beautifur but deadry eyes before she unreashes her army of kirrer rabbits"

You'd laugh at that if you weren't so pissed. "Yeah...moon spirit...lasers...right. Anyhoo...look kid, we can drop you off in town once we're done here. So how about you let your lips get loose and tell us what was up" Good News was keeping her patience great so far, but you could tell her partner must have been insufferable to be around for too long. Cultural differences and all.

Still...you were pissed… You lost it. "YOU LISTEN HERE YOU BITCH! GET AWAY FROM ME BEFORE I TURN YOU INTO A TOAD!"

"Woah! well, looks like your Dad didn't teach you any manners or the right words to use in front of a lady. Or maybe he's just a terrible Dad. Eh, interesting, but not what I'm here for." Good News boops your nose with the eraser part of her pencil. "Come on, kid, I know you're angry. But let's just get this wrapped up so we can all go home."

You growled at her, but the fact that she said it was interesting on how you acted made you calm down. Not because it calmed you naturally, but you didn't want her writing anything....that would make you, Discord, or even Fluttershy look bad. But you were clever enough to come up with a semi-decent lie. "....There's nothing to know...we just talked in private because she was wondering about if I caused the snowstorm with my horn as a prank. She didn't want to meet me where anypony would notice because she didn't want to embarrass me."

"Innnnnnteresting. Going so far to speak in a cave over something like that.......sorry kid, ain't buyin' it" She started to play and mess with your mane. "C'mon, kid. This story could really skyrocket my career. I promise, give me the goods and I'll leave you alone forever. Journalist's honor."

"Hrn, isn't honor of journarist as good as honor of ninja?" Shadow Sheet questioned.

"Yeah, it probably is. And that's a pretty high honor right?" She smiled as she looked back at her cohort.

"Acturarry, Ninja have no honor in our actions. We onry royarry serve that who hires us, even if contractor is considered a doofus by highest of degrees " He informs her.

She sighs, aggravated with the fact that she realized she said her honor was shit. "...Right. Well look, kid, It's still a promise right? And it's not like you're going anywhere...commmee oooonnn.." She started to gently massage your head. But you could barely feel that in this stunned state.

"....you're creepy. You know that?"

She immediately stops massaging your head as she let's out a grunt. "Hmph, You know it isn't right to insult a lady like that, right kid? No manners at all. Look, if you're not going to tell me then I'll just write what I thought happened and we'll call it a day. How does that sound? I dunno...you said creepy, right? I dunno, would be reallllyyy creepy if Luna was into the younger colts right? Then she'd have to publicly tell everypony what actually happened. Either way, I'm gonna find out the truth."

This fuckkkiinng bitch. She would drag Luna through the mud like that just for the truth? You had to think of something fast. B-but...you couldn't think of anything plausible.

"Tick tock tick tock...." She was finally losing her patience with you.

"..Don't you think you'd be in trouble after you let me go?" You tell her

She shrugged. "I'm not worried, Shadow Sheet has got a potion that'll make all of this seem like a bad dream. Pretty nifty, ain't it kid?"

...Fucking.... "......Mngh...." ....What could you say now? You should have just zapped them when you had the chance. fucking ninjas.

"...Anon?" You hear a familiar soft voice.

Coming upon one of the hills of the field was...oh god..Fluttershy. OH GOD. She looked confused, she had a basket of acorns with her. Was she collecting them for squirrels? Did it matter now? FUCK!

You, Good News, and Shadow Sheet noticed her. You didn't know whether to scream for help or to tell her to run away. But she approached, with worry in her heart as she saw the strain on your face. "W-what's going on here?"

Don't hesitate. "Aunt Fluttershy! Run! Run away please!" You didn't want her to get hurt. These bastards looked like they'd do anything to get the story.

"Oh, hey Miss Shy. Look, this ain't what it looks like. Your nephew here was just telling me a story and my partner spoo-" News tries to tell her, but you cut her off.

"SHE'S LYING, THEIR BAD PONIES, RUN PLEASE! TELL EVERYPONY! PLEASE! RUN! ONE OF THEM IS A NINJA!"

"N-ninja?!..Anon.." She was looking terrified at first. But as she approached,she started to look at them in a cautious way. "..What are you doing to my, Anon?"

"Gouda News, we have been found out! I suggest course of action. She must be taken out!" Shadow Sheet was already ready to put his ninja skills to work.

"Geez, ya got an itchy hoof, don't ya? Fine, knock her out and make sure she don't remember any of this. But that's it, don't do any of your freaky ninja stuff, got it? We don't need to make that weirdo Discord get testy." Good News gives him the word to act.

"..What?!..So you are hurting Anon! How dare you! How could you hurt such an innocent little colt!" Fluttershy stomps her hoof. "I-I feel so angry!"

"Yeah yeah, c'mon Shadow Sheet, step on it!" Good News commands him.

"As you wish!" Shadow Sheet jumps into action, going right at Fluttershy with intense speed to knock her out.

"AUNT FLUTTERSHY!" You call out to her.

But Shadow Sheet, he stops dead in his tracks the moment he comes face to face with her. And in a short moment, he runs away screaming "AGH, I'VE BEEN CURSED. CURSED BY THE DEMON BUTTERFRY! WHOSE STARE PIERCES AND TAINTS THE SORE! I MUST PURIFY MYSERF IMMEDERIATRY!"

Fluttershy was still in deep scary stare as he ran away. She then blinked, and stepped towards Good News with as much of a leer as she could muster. "What are you doing to my Anon?"

"What in the hay.." Good News silently said to herself in disbelief. She then turned her attention to Fluttershy with a chuckle, unaffected by her stare. "I ain't doing nothing to the kid, it was that guy's smoke bomb that did it. All I'm doing is following a scoop. I was gonna take him back to town when I was done. So come on already, stop being so uptight. I'm almost done."

"Mhmm.." Fluttershy then looked to you, she wasn't breaking her expression. But you knew deep inside she must be worried sick. "Anon, is she treating you badly?"

You weakly nod, as best as you could. "She's being really mean and asking bad questions. Princess Luna doesn't want me telling anypony anything because it's important."

"Princess Luna?" Fluttershy was confused at first. But if it was related to her, and she wanted it secret, then she wouldn't pry. "Ok, I understand.....I remember you." She turns to Good News. "you were the nice news lady who was wondering where Anon was when that griffon thing happened. It looks like you're not very nice at all."

"Pfft, whatever. What are you gonna do about it? Even if I walk away, I still got my pictures. I'm getting this story, whether you like it or not."

"Really?...Angel" Fluttershy just stares at Good News as Angel pops his head out her acorn basket. He hops out and sniffs for a second, hops behind a tree, and comes back from it holding a small bag. He pulls out some photos of you, Scrappy, and Luna. She hid her bag behind a tree? She must have been afraid of retaliation in case you had noticed the bag and used your horn to hide it.

"These photos, right?" Fluttershy smirks at her.

"H-hey now...be careful with those" Good News calls out, her composure finally broken.

"I'm sorry to do this, Miss News." Fluttershy's expression now showed actual lament for her next action. "But you're hurting my Anon, and you also don't seem to care about Princess Luna at all. I'm not usually this mean but...Angel." She looks back at him and nods. And he immediately rips them up. He then...does a very loud whistle for some reason.

"HEY! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!" Good News growls. "THAT WAS MY LEVERAGE! YOU.." She looked to Fluttershy with great hatred and disdain, but Fluttershy stood there unwavering. "DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'RE DOING? I'M THE MEMBER OF THE PRESS! YOU CAN'T TREAT ME LIKE THIS! OH, YOU'RE GOING TO BE SORRY! I KNOW THERE'S A LOT OF STUFF I CAN DIG UP ON YOU THAT YOU DON'T WANT ANYPONY TO KNOW ABOUT!"

"....Is that right? Do you really mean that, Miss News? I'm awfully sorry, but don't you think that's a little much? Maybe we can just forget this whole thing happened, and maybe, you could even write nicer and less intrusive articles from now on." Fluttershy looked to her with concern.

"..You wish. Not like you can even stop me." Good News threatens her. "So why don't you lay off already? I told you you can have him back when I'm done."

"Oh, well..I guess I can do that..." As Fluttershy begins to sound deterred, Good News feels a tapping on her back.

"What do you w-.....eep..." She looks back to see a bear behind her. Mr. Bear to be exact, and he didn't look too pleased.

"But it might upset Mr.Bear, he's usually the biggest softy, but he doesn't like big meanie ponies. Especially big meanie ponies that hurt little foals. Would you please reconsider? Pleeease? Oh my, I'm even more afraid now..what if Discord found out..oh no..that would be bad." Fluttershy showed intense worry, but this was a false outward emotion she was showing, deep inside...she was angry as fuck. But even then, she didn't want there to be violence or anyone getting hurt. She would never ask Mr.Bear to hurt her. But the threat was still there nonetheless.

"Y-yeah...u-uhhh.." She was ghost white now as Mr. Bear punches a tree down in a single punch. Then smiles at her, an evil looking smile. "Y'know...you might be right there, Miss Shy." She chuckles nervously. "Maybe it's time for me to report on the littler stories...ehehe. Hey...Kid..." She looks at you with a worried and scared grin. "No hard feelings, right?"

You would mention that Discord would have found out anyway, but even he wouldn't be able to counter the story once she got it out. So instead, you just say… "I'll turn you into a toad if I ever see you again....you meanie."

She was out of options now. Even if she had any other way to get the story out, she would have to deal with the fact that she now had a witness to her abuse. And her ninja friend didn't have a chance to wipe your memories, nor Fluttershy's. She was done. "R-right...well...time for me to get back to Manehatten. Haha...You two..have a lovely day." She starts to back off slowly, keeping her eyes on the bear.

Hrn, that’s probably why Angel whistled. He whistled for him. Damn he was quick.

Fluttershy waves happily at her "Please, have a safe trip and a great day!" And then Fluttershy's cheerful demeanor changed, as she did the stare at her. "And don't you EVER come near him again. Got it?"

"Crystal c-c-clear..." She steps back a little more, and bolts the other direction.

Fluttershy sighed the moment she was gone. It took a lot out of her to do something like that. Angel hopped up onto her back and started rubbing the back of her neck gently. "Thank you Angel, and thank you too Mr. Bear. And thank you for not hurting her, I know it took a lot of restraint." Fluttershy thanked Mr. Bear, who smiled and did a motion that indicated it was no big deal. And with a goodbye you couldn't audibly understand, he went back to doing what he was apparently doing. disappearing into the distance.

"Anon..." Fluttershy then looked to you as she teared up, started to cry, and grabbed and hugged onto you. "Oh Anon! Are you hurt? Did those meanie ponies hurt you? Where does it hurt?" She sobbed as she hugged you close, you couldn't even hug her back, you could barely feel the hug.

...Well, at least you could tell her you weren't hurt. You felt bad that she was so worried. But damn, you were also amazed. That was awesome.

Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
PreviousChapters Next
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!