• Published 21st Oct 2017
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Dadonequus Discord (Book 1) - CrazedLaughter

Discord makes a deal with an anonymous human. The human gets to live a good life in Equestria. And Discord? he gets to have a son of his own. Of course, his only reason is to impress Fluttershy and annoy Twilight.

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Chapter 82

As you begin searching for a source of water, you reach back to your saddlebag… wait… what saddlebag? In fact… you never even grabbed your map back from the house either. Just the grappling hook.

You slap your face with your hoof. "Well, that's just great! I can't believe I forgot it! How am I supposed to get home now! Ugh… UGHHHH… fine… whatever. It'll be ok. I guess I'll just head back and see what Pinkie is up to. Maybe get that party planned and all."

You remove your hoof from your face… something was different. The ground was a different color… more crystally. You look up…

Oh sweet mother of god… it was Shining Armor and Cadence, looking at you. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" WHAT THE HELL?!

You scream in surprise and turn around, before you can even run you were surrounded by royal guards. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" NO..NOO..HOW DID THIS?! You duck down and cover your head "Please don't kill me!"

Suddenly, you feel yourself being lifted up, and cuddled. "Please excuse my son's behavior. He's been very erratic lately. What with those girl issues and all. He's very new to it."


You lift your head out of your chest and look around, you were surrounded by guards, Shining Armor and Cadence included. But they didn't look hostile. "W-what's going on? I was just in Ponyville a second ago."

"See, he was in Ponyville! Oh, I'm so sorry to have pulled you here my son. But when I came to play a little prank I was suddenly surrounded by royal guards. Seems there was some sort of attack and apparently we were involved."

Cadence sighs "Please don't worry your son like that Discord." She then shakes her head and gives you a smile "What your father meant to say is we THOUGHT he was up to something, but..." Cadence stopped, and try to think of something comforting to say. As she never thought you were explicitly involved. Well… She did… but only for a few moments. "We started to realize that… well… Actually. Discord, we don't need to involve your son do we? He had nothing to do with this"

"Ahhhh… he may have had nothing to do with the attack. But the picture certainly proves that the changelings are out to ruin our image. Probably revenge for getting their two sentries eaten in the Everfree Forest."

What… wait. Ok, now you went from scared to confused. "W-what's going on? Why am I here? Why are there royal guards? What..." Better think of your next words. Because as it seems. They didn't see you as an intruder. "What… happened exactly?"

Discord gently put you down and gave you a gentle petting. Obviously for show. "Oh not much, just a misunderstanding. It seems those two villains you beat in Ponyville were actually changelings. They must have been very high rank because they saw fit to raid the Crystal Empire and try to do something most heinous. And then, and here's the kicker. The intruder dropped various school items, money, and a picture of me, you, and the queen being buddy buddy." You cringed hard at the fact they indeed in fact found the picture. But… the two thugs weren't changelings… they were "eaten".......oh......Discord was lying...Of course

Shining Armor noticed you cringing and gave you a smile, and even saluted. "Hey, don't sweat it little guy. Like Cadence said. They tried to make it look like it was you and your dad's fault. But I've gotten my sister's letters about what happened back in Ponyville, I know a little hero like you would never do something so terrible. Nah, you're royal guard material. Takes a lot of bravery to kick some changeling tail. Especially when you're saving somepony else's skin."

Cadence nodded and agreed "Yeah, but come on. Dropping school supplies and a blatant picture? Why would you even bring school supplies? They made it way to obvious"

Discord nodded "Indeed, what moron goes around carrying school supplies on a infiltration mission anyway? You'd think they'd bring actual tools for the job. Then again… I guess I would know as..." Discord rubs his paw on his talon finger,opening it up like a swiss army knife. "I'm always prepared for anything anyways."

Holy shit. HOLY SHIT...

You took a breath. It seems Discord had saved you from your initial screw up and shifted the blame to the changelings. Which… wasn't bad. Because fuck those guys. "...So...u-uhh..what exactly happened?"

Discord shook his head at you, and again gave you a pat as he gave you a gentle smile. "Nothing for you to worry about Anon. At this time, we we're actually discussing what must be done about all this. I mean..."

Discord looked up to the sky as a spotlight came upon him as he spoke in a dramatic tone "To try to destroy everything I have created. A loving home, a wonderful and brave son, and even amending bridges among the other ponies… why......why..." Tears stream down Discord's eyes ".....it's...truly dreadful" He says as he clenches his chest

Cadence walks up to Discord and gives him a pat in the back "Discord… It'll be ok. We understand what happened and we'll make sure you nor your son will be blamed for this..."

Shining Armor looked to his men with a very serious and militaristic expression "Ok everypony. Dismissed. We'll meet back in the throne room to discuss strategy." Shining Armor nods to them, and they all march inside the castle in two lines. Shining then looks to you "Hey, Anon. When you're older, if you ever want to try out for the Royal Guard here in the Crystal Empire. Look me up."

Shining then looks to Cadence, in which they share a kiss before he marches along behind his little army. Cadence then looks down at you. She was curious about you. The hero colt that when adopted, even started to turn Discord into such a kind and caring fellow. Or so she thought. "I hope you didn't get too scared Anon, I'm sorry if you did. I wasn't expecting your father to seriously teleport you."

Discord rolled his eyes "Please, as if you'd have taken my word for it."

"We would have, it's just you have to understand that it's a very delicate situation. Come on Discord, are you telling me you wouldn't be suspicious if somepony raided your home and left evidence that pointed to somepony you knew?"

Discord didn't even have to think about it, he responded immediately. "If somepony actually raided my home I highly doubt they'd be able to leave… at least not intact"

Cadence cringed at that. It must have not been a pleasant image to think. "Ahrm… anyway… Anon, again, our apologies"

Hmmm, you were out of trouble. And Cadence, she was genuinely sorry. But you couldn't help feel a little guilty about all this. Definitely not the fact that it seemed that the Changelings were gonna get rekt. But the fact you caused her any trouble at all. "It's alright ummmm....."

You acted ignorant of her name. "Sorry, I actually didn't catch your name. I was too surprised by everything"

Cadence gave you a warming smile, fitting of the princess of love "I'm Cadence, I'm actually Twilight's sister-in-law. I've come to understand she became your social worker and, given her letters, that you've caught her by surprise by not being a little hayraiser. And" Cadence giggles "Being real apparently."

Ahhh… you remembered that. Twilight couldn't believe you actually existed. Also. Now that you think about it. Thank god she never ever went to actually check if the orphanage was real. Discord must have still stayed on top of any letters Twilight sent to it. It was also nice she didn't introduce herself as a princess. Showed she didn't have an ego about it.

"It's nice to meet you Cadence.I haven't heard much about you. But just by meeting you, I can tell you're a really nice pony. Would you be my friend?" You give her the cutest look you could. If she said yes. Then you'd have less to worry about.

Cadence herself couldn't help but smile, no, more than that. She gave you a nice pet on the head, it was very gentle and loving. Just about as much as Fluttershy "I'd love to be your friend. And you don't have to worry about me falling for you. I'm already taken. Though I could see why you'd have filly troubles. You're not only heroic, but you are also very handsome."

Hahahaha… ohhh… geez. Yeah, you only heard a little blurb of that in the whole conversation. And you knew you weren't around to hear all of it. But that's what it seemed Discord used as your alibi. Filly troubles. Christ.

Cadence herself. Now that you didn't have to focus on getting a secret from her and pretending to be bookhorse. Was actually one sexy horse. One you wouldn't mind shacking up with if circumstances were different. You couldn't help but feel slightly embarrassed though. The whole relationship issue was a little blown out of proportion. "T-thank you. But uh, I don't think I'm ready for all that stuff yet. It's all super complicated. I just can't understand girls."

Cadence's joyous smile became a little more devious. "You will one day Anon. One day you'll make that one special mare very happy. And then they'll want to do this to you."

What? What did she mean by that? Why was she smiling like that? She didn't mean… "W-what do you mean?"

"Well. When two ponies like eachother, they generally do something like..." She quickly moved up to you and gave you a kiss on the cheek "this with each other"

HNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG. You blush deeply and moved back. Even though it was just a cheek kiss. It felt like it was done by an expert. You were blushing deep red. "A-ahmmm"

Cadence couldn't stop giggling. Even Discord was having a chuckle from your reaction. You didn't say anything however. But you did feel embarrassed. Moreso by Discord joining in on the laughter. Why were you such a sperg? It was probably because you were some basement dwelling slob. Well… a former one anyway. "Come on, don't laugh. I-I mean. That was a low blow. Just kissing me like that."

Cadence stops her giggling to a titter, and goes back to a more gentle smile "I'm sorry Anon, I couldn't resist. But, if you ever need any kind of dating advice or help with girls. I don't mind talking about it with you, being the Princess of Love. It is my duty to help those in need in all matters of love. And besides, it's always been a talent of mine anyway"

"Actually Princess, me and my son really must be going. It is getting late. And I'm sure you have important work to do. What, with all this nasty changeling business" Discord, despite having a laugh. Didn't seem to want to stick around. Which was understandable. He just got away with what was essentially high treason. Well… you both got away with it anyway.

Cadence did know Discord was right. But she was feeling some sort of maternal instinct towards you. She couldn't explain it. But it was most likely due to her pregnancy. And it was true (not really) that the issue at hand did require attention. "You're right Discord. But my offer still stands. If you ever want to talk about dating Anon, you know where to find me. I'm sure your father can get you here no problem."

Part of her friendly offer was also due to the fact that she felt bad that you even needed to be summoned here. Or really, that Discord bothered to summon you there. For you however. You realized how really easy it was to befriend ponies. Especially thus far. It seemed as long as you were kind and cute and caught in the middle of circumstance that you could make friends with anybody. Except villains...

You nod to Cadence. "Ummm, I don't think I'll need that. But I would love just to hang out with you. And that other guy too. You're married to him right?"

Cadence nodded "Mhmmm. I'm sure he wouldn't mind hanging out." Cadence put a hoof to her belly, she was considering that offer as good practice at child raising. Any and all practice would be welcome. "When we get the chance, we can make a day out of it"

That didn't sound too bad. As long as they never found out the truth of what really happened anyway.

Discord did a simple bow "Well then, a pleasant day to you Princess, and if it comes to what I think it will be. Happy hunting"

"I hope, it doesn't come down to that. I really don't want there to be a battle or a war. I'm sure we'll find a proper solution to all of this."

You say nothing. No, you just wonder. coming into a full realization that Discord may have just started something pretty fucking big. Something that may have been beyond the scope of the show itself.

With goodbyes all around. Discord snaps his talons, and teleports you and himself back to the house. To the living room. Now that it was just you and him. You could actually talk about the situation proper. You wondered if within all of this if Discord was ever told the secret you were sent to learn.

Well… you were about to find out.

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