• Published 21st Oct 2017
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Dadonequus Discord (Book 1) - CrazedLaughter



Discord makes a deal with an anonymous human. The human gets to live a good life in Equestria. And Discord? he gets to have a son of his own. Of course, his only reason is to impress Fluttershy and annoy Twilight.

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Chapter 83

You take a few steps forward. Yeah, definitely the house. You look back at Discord, he looked pretty pleased with himself. In fact, you felt that he should be. He made a damned good recovery from, what you could tell anyway, a gigantic fuckup that you yourself made me.

"That was pretty impressive Discord, amazing really."

Discord seemed a little surprised by this immediate response "Oh? No complaining, whining, or surprised reaction from my little Anon? You usually would have something to say that would indicate some sort of disapproval."

"Normally… But when I saw all the guards I thought that was it. But geez, you turned it all around. And we got away with it scott free"

"Oh. Well then. In that case. As much as I'd like to say, I can't take all the credit. None of this would have been possible without you. I didn't actually expect you to change back so soon. And dropping your saddlebag, with the picture inside? Anon, you don't have a knack for chaos. You actually have a true talent for it."

Dat praise. Unfortunately. As much as you wanted to accept it. It was all just an accident. "Yeah, about that. I didn't actually mean to drop my stuff. I was sorta cornered. So I threw my bag at Shining's face."

Discord floated over to you and gave you a genuinely gentle pat "Don't fret Anon, the great thing about chaos is that it doesn't matter if it was on purpose or accidental. Chaos is measured in the mayhem you cause. And..." Discord chortled and rubbed his paw and talons together, making an evil grin "You did cause enough mayhem to incite a battle… oh, I'm going to have to find out when it's happening and mark it on my calendar."

Huh, true. now that you thought about it. That's how chaos generally is. Though, you were just glad you got out alive. Oh, that secret! "Oh yeah! hey, I learned that secret you wanted to know!"

Discord was looking through a calendar he poofed up, looking through his "available" days. He didn't even look back at you. "Oh that? I knew about that for a long time. I didn't actually care if you found out or not"

"oh all rigg-WHAT?! THEN WHY DID YOU SEND ME OVER THERE?! I COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED!"

Discord poofed away the calendar and then turned to you with a half cocked smirk "Imprisoned actually"

"WHATEVER! WHAT THE HELL WAS THE POINT?!"

"Ahh, that's one of the few things that disappoint me Anon. You still have trouble figuring out even my most simple plans. This wasn't about the secret, this was about finding out how good you were at being sneaky, using that silver tongue of yours, along with that cartoon knowledge you have. And by my surprise, you manage to surpass all my expectations. Are you really going to be angry at me for doing a much better job than expected?"

Yes, but then no. Because at this point, it would just lead into the same old runaround. So, you just calm down with a sigh. "It's really hard to tell if I'm your friend or tool at times."

Discord shrugged with a smirk on his face "Why not both?"

Right… "uhhhhhggg.." You just lay down and cover your face with your forelegs.

Discord's smile turned into that of a melancholic expression as he lowered himself to ground level and looked at you with a dog like whine coming from his person. "What's the matter Anon? I did mean what I said, I am proud of you"

You raise your head a little, you were aloof about all this. "I know, don't worry about it. Just need to get over myself. Though, we'd probably get along a little better if you thought as me as your partner once and awhile."

"I do think of you as my partner, and as my friend, an up and coming trickster, a failure with fillies, and a tool. All rolled into one. I fail to see the issue here"

All rolled into one, huh? Well, at least he was honest.

You really REALLY needed to get over Discord's words putting you down. Discord was Discord. He had his own way of thinking and he never ever thinks of others feelings unless he tries or after the fact. And even then, it takes a beating in his head for him to get it. And even through it all, despite being called a "tool". He seemed genuinely enthralled in the fact you did more than what he expected, accident or not.

You slowly stand up, take a deep breath, and let your melancholic aura flow out of you. "Alright, I'm good with that. As long as you see me as some sort of equal. I've gone through a lot of shit just to keep up this little act Discord. So, thank you for that. I guess. So… what about the changelings then? What's going to happen to them?"

"Them? Anon, are you actually concerned for them?" Discord asked, with a cat like curiosity.

You shake your head, fuck no you didn't give a shit. "Nope, I was just curious. Fuck those guys man, there was nothing about them that I saw that even remotely hinted at them being good. I mean, hell. Their plan was to make everyone worried sick, then bum rush them. That's really low. Hell, I'll sit with you and watch the fight. We can make bets and everything."

"Oh that does sound like fun. But Anon, if you expect a bloodbath. Then you better be ready to be disappointed. Ponies are not vicious bloodthirsty creatures. They will probably only try to send them all to Tartarus, probably with a powerful sealing spell Alicorns seem to have."

You shrug. "Whatever, I just wanna see a good fight. Twilight versus Tirek was a little bit of a let down. But a good ole brawl of quadrapeds? I'm all for it."

"Interesting. I'll have to make a mental note of this." Discord smashes his paw into his head, grabbing his own brain and writing onto it with a quill "Anon has a lust for violence when dealing with "Villains"" After making his notation, he slams his brain back into his head. Then makes some minor adjustments. You step back and gag, some of his brain juice leaked on the floor. Gross.

"Yeah… and about that mental note. Don't think too much into it. It's really just, Well, since I live in Equestria now. Seeing bad guys not trying to ruin things for everyone else is sort of something that needs to happen. I never understood that really. It's clear she's a threat. But they just let her roam free and do whatever. In fact, I probably just did this world a favor. Yeah, hey. Actually. Now that I think about it. Snips and Snails mentioned something about being heroes. Discord, You're a powerful guy, why don't we just face off against any villains ourselves? You know, if they show up in Ponyville. We jump in and kick his ass"

"Tempting, But I'd rather Twilight and her friends do the heroics. Though, if they failed. THEN I wouldn't mind swooping in and taking all the glory."

"Heh, you just want to knock Twilight down a peg, don't you? What's up with that anyway? You really like to toy with her."

Discord brought a chair to himself and sat down, as suddenly all the lights go dark except for a single light shining on him. You even saw a subtitle appear under him. it read "Discord, Burn victim"

Discord closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and looked into… nothing… with a depressed look. "It all started long long ago. It was a Tuewednesday. The day between Tuesday and Wednesday that is totally not made up. I had woken from my stone prison and immediately began my campaign on chaos. But that dastardly Celestia, somehow aware of my presence, she had called upon her precious "Elements of Harmony" to try and stop me and-"

"Discord.....is this a retelling of the season 2 opener?"

"SHHHHHH!"

What the? You look around, you were… in an audience of Discords.

"Can't you see the poor fellow is telling his story?" One of the Discords hissed at you.

"Alright geez..."

"Ahrm, anyway, to continue" Said the main Discord. A subtitle appeared right under him again. "Discord, Wagon Accident Victim"

"...I thought it was burn victim?"

All the audience Discord look at you with disdain.

"ok ok.geez! I'll shut up"

"...as I was saying. Those evil elements… all except for Fluttershy of course, they wanted to stop what was ultimately harmless and innocent fun. So my plan was to warp their sensibilities and turn them into angry, hateful, greedy, lying, and disloyal little ponies. And then, let things take their course and eventually corrupt Celestia's perfect pupil. I wanted to break her, I wanted to show that no matter how much friendship and hope she had. That she could be broken down just like anypony else. THAT I WAS SUPREME! HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Discord cackled, outstretching his arms as he made a triumphant laugh.

He then immediately calmed down, stayed silent, and took a drink of water from a magically appearing cup. "But alas, there was one teeny tiny flaw in my dominance of the purple pony, and do you know what that was?"

Everything goes silent.

Discord looks over to you, with impatience "Well?"

Oh… you were supposed to say something?

"Uhhh, what was it?"

Discord sighed, then sighed again, then heavily sighed, then moaned, then fell silent, looking down, an expression of being ultimately crushed. "That Twilight, that pony. She somehow… SHE SOMEHOW. Ahrm... She somehow managed to avoid my influence for zero point zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero one seconds more than I thought she would. And for that, she has earned my eternal attention of generally causing her chaos and disharmony. Of course, I still consider her a friend. But old grudges for me don't tend to die. You understand"

The discords in the audience started crying, clapping, some speaking to each other to how tortured a soul Discord was. You just put your hoof to your face. "...are you kidding me?"

A Discord, in a black suit and red bowtie walks up to you with a microphone and holds it to you. "Do you have anything to say sir?"

"Yeah, I do actually. That whole reason sounds like a heaping pile of bull*BLEEP*" You narrow your eyes. "...Did I just get bleeped?"

"Well of course, there are children watching." The Discord says. turning away, staring at seemingly nothing.

"...yeah, look. I'm saying. I think it's a little more than that. You're...he's...no..you're always touching her al-" You look down, you see a subtitle. It says "Anon, Chaos trainee/Discord's "Son"/Whiny baby who still hasn't got a clue/ Possibly dreams about Spike every night"

You start to speak in a sarcastic tone "..oh that's real funny, that's rich. Haha."

A subtitle is added "Humorless doodyface"

"Humorless doodyface?! That's it! Two can play at this game. You're not the only one who's good at insults!"

Discord just sat there as all the other copies disappeared. His ears started to perk up and grow as he looked at you with a cocky little sneer. "Oh really? Well then, I'll make it interesting. If you can insult me successfully, then I'll give you… this!" Discord holds up two cardboard wings, connected by a little strap.

What? "What's that supposed to be?"

"Wings, they work in the same way as the horn. Imagine it Anon, you could be a cute little Alicorn princess"

Woah, despite him insulting you. Being able to fly sounded pretty damned tempting. "And all I gotta do is insult you?"

Discord nodded "Yup! But, be warned, you only get one try"

You sit on your ass, and begin to think. What would be the best way to insult him?

AHA! You give Discord an evil grin. "You're gonna regret this "dad". Are you ready?"

Discord just sat daintily on his chair, and nodded silently. bouncing his dragon like foot up and down.

Here. We. Go.

You make the most retarded face you can and start walking about. "LOOK AT ME, I'M DISCORD, I THINK I'M SOME SUPER COOL BADASS BUT I'M ACTUALLY A MANCHILD WITH DUES EX MACHINA POWERS AND I STILL SOMEHOW FUCK UP EVERY TIME. OH NO, WHAT'S THAT OVER THE HORIZON? OH, CAN IT BE?! IT IS! IT'S LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP, HERE TO STICK ITS DICK UP MY ASS BECAUSE SOMEHOW EVEN THE EASIEST OF FRIENDSHIP LESSONS ESCAPE ME. BUT LET ME ACT LIKE A BADASS ANYWAY DESPITE THE FACT THAT I WAS EVEN SHIT AT HIDING THE FACT THAT I LIKE THIS SUPER COOL GUY NAMED ANON. OH FLUTTERSHY, I'M SORRY FLUTTERSHY, PLEASE DON'T BE MAD AT ME FLUTTERSHY, I'LL BE THE MOST GOOD, BIGGEST FUCKING PUSSY YOU'VE EVER SEEN. I'M MORE OF A PUSSY THAN RARITY'S FUCKING CAT. OH I DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE YOU MAD FLUTTERSHY, HERE, TAKE THIS GIANT ROD AND STICK IT UP MY URETHRA FOR BEING SO WRONG FLUTTERSHY. OHHH, I'M SO SORRY FOR GETTING JEALOUS OVER A STUPID HIPPY. CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME, PLEASE FORGIVE ME, I CAN'T GO ON WITHOUT YOUR FRIENDSHIP. I'M SUCH A GIGANTIC CUCK"

Discord just sat there, he was silent and unmoving.

And you stood there, waiting.

Finally, he said something. "What's a cuck?"

Oh right, uhhh. You shrug. "You know, it's a guy who's like, subservient to a chick or something. While the chick goes over his head with other dudes. Or something like that. I never really looked it up."

"Ahhh, ok" Discord tosses the wings towards you "You win then, I certainly didn't expect that"

Score! Though Discord didn't look the least bit upset.

"I'm going to go hang around and spy on what's going on at the crystal empire. See if I can't get a time and date for when they actually go and invade the changeling nest. Perhaps maybe drop a hint on their current location. When I have the information I'll be sure to let you know."

You call out to Discord, you actually felt a little bad about what you said. And a little worried. He didn't say anything about it. Other than his question. "Hey wait! Discord. Look, don't take what I said seriously ok? I just got into a serious… thing. It doesn't mean anything really. We're still friends right?”

Discord gave you a nod, then laughed a short laugh "Of course we are. Despite the fact that I did in fact feel insulted. I am not taking it personally, not when I know I can simply get some payback later."

Well, that's a load off your mind. Still… "I'll be waiting for it you know, because I think I get it now Discord. You really just do what you do. You could probably make my tail burst into flames, and you'd still consider me your close buddy and friend. Just because, and I think I'm right about this, but, it's just because you just do things on a whim and-" Wait... You turn your head back. Good, your tail wasn't on fire. "Ahrm. And I just never got fully used to it. I mean, I always had the feeling. But damn man, you do gotta relax a little with it sometimes. I still have feelings. And I know you got them too. Think we can work on that a little? Buddy?"

Discord snorted a giggle "Pffft, as if. You're simply too much fun. Oh, and don't worry about me getting you back right now. There's better moments I can get my revenge. So, why don't you go out and enjoy the night air? And practice with those wings hmm? I'll be back when I feel like it… oh and I almost forgot"

Discord zapped a ray of magic on the floor. producing your saddle bag. "Here's your bag, if you want to check if your things are all there, then be my guest. You have fun Anon, try not to break any bones while I'm away"

"I'm smarter than that. I'll be fine. Just don't get caught sneaking around."

Discord snickered "Oh no, worried about that?" Discord then slowly turned invisible, each limb, eye, and even horns, slowly disappearing separately. "They'll never see me coming".

Discord then leaves in his usual flash of light. And hey! you got your saddle bag back. You also noticed your arm. Oh, you never took off the grappling hook. Huh, you wondered if anyone had noticed. Whatever, it's fine. You slip it off and prepare to put it in the saddle bag. Grabbing the cardboard wings with your teeth as well.

You open the saddle bag. And are immediately greeted with a boxing glove to the face. Knocking you flat on your ass.

As you regain your senses, you notice a note float downwards and lands on your nose. You adjust your eyes. And read it.

"We're even now"

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