A Principle’s Principals Don’t Matter to Angry Parents or Guardians
Dear Discord,
I’m mad at you. Verily, indubitably upset.
I had six angry parents and guardians huffing and puffing hot breath down my neck today thanks to your name-brand flavor of madness descending upon the school like a heavy downpour of chocolate rain. The affected students spoke of terrible traps, haunted hallways, and massive monsters that sound like they got a copy of A. K. Yearling’s first draft of her next Daring Do novel. Gods, I wish it was that simple and clean to explain away.
And it still was, sort of! Thanks to your mandatory “I must cause chaos or I die” handicap, I was able to point out to all of the foam-frothing parental figures barking at me that these insane shenanigans serve as life support for your existence. It took a little more convincing to add on a “No, he isn’t out to kill your children,” at the end, however. Despite how threatening your antics looked and sounded, I knew you were fully in control of the chaos—anything that went wrong did so with you pulling the strings at all times. Granted, if you had any sense of restraint or ability to respect a princess’s decision, regardless of your presence or absence for said decision, you wouldn’t be pulling those strings at all. If the School of Friendship was one of my schools, you’d be sitting in a time-out statue that some bitter foreign leaders would be pleased to see smashed into gravel at any given moment. Yet with the situation as it stands, I must begrudgingly give thanks that no student was seriously harmed under your maddening supervision.
This doesn’t excuse you from acting like a prick when you don’t get your way, but I digress. At least you’re playing nice more often than not, and I can’t ask for much more than that. Other than maybe an apology for causing all of this undue stress to me, the parents, Twilight and company, then Starlight for everything that happened at the school and all the tricks you pulled to make this scenario happen.
On top of that, I’m going to want a second apology for you spoofing a map request on me to do your grocery shopping for you this week. I still did it on principle, but the next time you need somepony to find you a bag of sour sugar, is it too much to ask that you be a little more direct with your request instead of acting like others can read your mind at all times? I get the feeling that will save precious time for everyone, especially for those that have an issue with you abusing tricks and loopholes and basically any other tactic you have that doesn’t include the fundamentals of basic communication skills. It might even give you the opportunity to be less of a jackass than the one you hired as a substitute teacher!
Or don’t. Putting you in a statue again after another stunt like this will certainly uplift my spirits.
Warning You of Potential Reimprisonment,
Princess Celestia
P.S. Should you be re-imprisoned, we might as well make it entertaining. I’ll make a suggestion to Twilight to have you break down into pieces before you’re frozen in stone, then have the affected children build the pose you’ll stay in. Imagine that, a modern art Discord project!
Gah! Sunny, please turn the heat down when you enter. This summer’s hot enough without you melting every ice cream stand in Canterlot! Not just the ice cream, but the stand and all of the accompanying bells and whistles!
No Sunny, I still haven’t let that go. I’ve had to settle for snow cones until we get more ice cream imported. Snow cones! I can’t survive the summer on snow cones.
Frozen coffee creamer is not the same thing, and I’m offended you think it is! But there’s something about that idea that’s…
Wait! I have it. Soft-serve! By the stars, I will survive! I need a blender and a mixer, now!
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I'd actually like to see that. Who knows, maybe they could put him together in a way that makes even less sense than his current form. Wouldn't he be proud of that?
Well said, that white pony.
This is the Best way to describe what he has.
Literally every time I see this story I read the title as 'Letters from an Irradiated Princess'. I don't know why and I haven't started this story yet, but I thought I should let it be known that I can not read the title.
As you should be.
9091545
I think I said that back around the third or fourth chapter. And it still holds true. :P
9091711
I just got the damn song out of my head and you both had to put it back in!
So Discord not only made the mane six go on a fake friendship quest, but made Celestia leave her castle to go on a shopping for items that don't exist? Seems like Discord's multitasking.
Between Discord, the Tree, and the Map, something about being an incredibly powerful entity in this world seems to preclude clear communication skills. Still, at least Discord has a tongue.
9091545
Funny you should mention that...
9092829
True true. Still is an earworm.
Does anyone know if TOM's alright? He hasn't posted any new chapters in several weeks, and we're now several episodes behind (not counting the early overseas airings).
9139018
There’s a blog on his profile about it.
9260359
DISCOOOOOOOORD
9260455
I saw it. Hopefully he'll be able to resume before too long. In the meantime, all we can do is wait, hope for the best, and let him know that we still support him and will be here waiting when he does return.
9265764
Yeah
Do you have any plans on doing any more work on this?
9532543
Its been so long since i made that, why ate you replying to a 4+ yr old comment?
9532558
Because I can!
9572804
Wow, 19 months later.
9574702
I’m reading the story in its entirety, I will reply to old comments.
9661282
Princess Nyxene Sapphire Sparkle/Nightmare Moon
please continue this because these letters are the funniest things i have ever read. because even now I'm laughing my ass off at the sheer absurdity of these letters.
P.S. Should you be re-imprisoned, we might as well make it entertaining. I’ll make a suggestion to Twilight to have you break down into pieces before you’re frozen in stone, then have the affected children build the pose you’ll stay in. Imagine that, a modern art Discord project!
I can see it now. This happens, Discords breaks himself into pieces before his stoning, except he has broken himself into a set that is short exactly one piece, thus forcing the frantic ponies to desperately search for the missing, non-existent final Discord shard. Yet no matter how long they search, they shall never have a completed Discord statue.
Why isn’t this updated yet?
10626397
For fun reading use this site https://www.biblegateway.com/ to compare biblical passages as they appear in various translations. Particularly humorous is how scholarly, intellectually honest translations like the English Standard Version compare to propagandtastic think-tank produced "translations" like the New International Version. The gag translations in that Salon article of yours are no more absurd than the literal reality.