Letters from an Irritated Princess

by Tired Old Man

Lesson Absolute Zero

My faithful student,

I wasn't disappointed.

I knew my day was going to go swimmingly well when Spike sent me a letter showing me how much more aware he was of you than your friends were. He told me you'd lost your ever-loving mind over not sending me a friendship report, speculating over my supposed punishment and desperately trying to find some lesson to learn, all to have everything culminate in you casting the second of the three forbidden spells of magic on your mother's hoof-stitched doll. The first you are well aware of, as are all of my maids that now use brushes instead of brooms. With this kind of track record, I'm thankful you don't know the third spell.

Twilight, you not sending me a friendship report was never the end of the world. I told you this earlier, but it bears repeating. Seriously, it does. Honestly, if I got a report from Mayor Mare saying everything is going well and you didn't send me anything, my week would have been completely set. But you somehow conjured the thought in your head that sending friendship reports was mandatory, which is true. If you had something to learn, that is.

If you sent me a letter saying you learned nothing at all and were just earnest and apologetic about it, I would have happily clarified this situation for you and saved you all the trouble. "What if I don't have a friendship report to send to you?" is a perfectly valid question to ask, Twilight, and just like the tickets so long ago, I'm surprised you didn't ask this sooner.

But what isn't a valid solution is making a problem out of nothing, which you did. In doing so, you nearly took an entire town with you into your madness over just ONE tardy report. When did I even mention the word "tardy" for these reports, anyway?

But I won't ream you further for this mistake. I saw the look on your face in that library, pleading for forgiveness and showing clarity that you knew what you did was unspeakably wrong. That was enough to show me you were fully aware of how low you sunk, so me adding onto that any more would be... forgive the term, beating a dead horse.

If there is some good to gain from this, your calamitous outburst ended up serving as a wonderful vector for your friends to understand that maybe they should actually pay attention to you instead of being cynical, suspicious, or just plain mocking and ludicrous. Seriously, them telling me about how badly they screwed up over neglecting your screw-up was the icing on the cake for today.

As such, I saw fit to punish them accordingly by having them do what you do, because you being a middlemare for half of your friendship lessons was very much unnecessary to try and show me how much you're learning. Now that that's settled, I'll expect reports to come in whenever instead of this "weekly" business so you don't have to worry about making sure that's part of your schedule. So long as I get substantial friendship reports that show somepony learned a lesson, this shouldn't be a problem at all.

I have my doubts, but I'm trying to keep a positive outlook in that this punishment won't come back to bite my arse.

Love,

Princess Celestia

No, Luna, that doesn't mean you should send me letters from your room.

Because we live in the same castle! You can just tell me directly instead of wasting good ink and paper!

Look, Luna, if you want us to start sending things back and forth between each other, it might as well be something fun.

Correspondence chess sounds lovely. Oh, but dibs on white.

Comments

[FurryBrony]

Oh, Celestia just opened herself up to AJ's report from Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000. This is going to be good. Question though, will you be doing all the seasons, or will you stop after Season 3?

[TimeLord11]

I was expecting Unicron levels of rage at Twilight's stupidity. Guess Celestia has finally gotten used to it

[user123]

"So wait, I get the other color, I HATE BLACK!-Oh, hey dude, what are you glaring at?"

[Pause]

You know, it always made me wonder how neither Celestia or her Parents caught onto "quirks" like this before something like Lesson Zero happened. Like seriously. She's the only member of the Mane 6 I'd send to a therapist because she really needs it. Even Pinkie doesn't come close.

[silvadel]

5646717

I loved the video of that one where AJ was put on the moon, BUT that video has disappeared from the internet...

[Tired Old Man]

5646718

"It's amazingly easy to adapt to these situations once you realize that the best way to deal with them without developing an aneurysm in your brain is simply to lower your expectations until their problems become the new standard.

In other words, expect them to do something stupid, and you won't be disappointed."

~Celestia

5646717

I'll be doing all the seasons, of course, including the upcoming one.

[videocrazy]

5646732 I wouldn't send Pinkie to a therapist either. Though in my case, that's because I'm pretty sure two ponies would need therapy afterwards.

[ChibiChabot]

Bahahaha! I love the bits with Luna at the end.

[DragonMaus]

5646718
I think it's more that this is basically what Celestia's been expecting this whole time.

5646819
Personally, I would send Pinkie to a therapist only if I knew that therapist was incompetent, malicious, or sleazy.

[BlueYoshi]

I expected Celestia to sound angry and frustrated in her letter, but seeing how she realized that Twilight learned her lesson and that she will vow to never make that kind of mistake again, I'm glad she did not choose to bash Twilight.

That part at the end with Luna is hilarious as well.

[Tennis Match Fan]

That last parts reminds me of the Rarity Micro Comic, when Twilight insists on sending a report when the Princess is a yard away!

[D48]

That was great, and I am really liking how Celestia is developing as these go on because her approach to these has changed and matured quite a bit since the start while retaining the humor.

[ZealousChristian24]

The first you are well aware of, as are all of my maids that now use brushes instead of brooms.

Not sure if want to know...

[Greenhat]

5647025 I'd imagine it's some sort of reference to The Sorcerer's Apprentice.

[destinysWalrus]

5647025 I assume it is a reference to The Sorcerer's Apprentice. Or at least, that's the most reasonable interpretation of that sentence that my brain has come up with.

(EDIT: Yikes, that's a terrible-quality video for that song, looking for a better one)
(EDIT 2: Nope, I think that's as good as it's going to get, on YouTube anyway)

[RagnuPony]

I'm a bit totally rusty on the order of episodes, but judging from the end of this letter (and the fact that they only pick up every other word she writes) I'm guessing the next one will be the super speedy cider squeezy letter.

[meerkat8472]

I'm not sure that showing this level of disappointment is such a good idea right after Twilight went nuts like that. Twilight's going to feel pretty horrible after reading this, poor thing.

[Fireflower]

5647649

Me too...

[gardrek]

5647125
5647142
It was actually referenced in a previous chapter, as well. Can't remember which, though.

[Hurgusburgus]

No, Luna, that doesn't mean you should send me letters from your room.

derpicdn.net/img/view/2014/10/19/746142__safe_twilight+sparkle_pinkie+pie_princess+luna_princess+celestia_animated_spike_upvotes+galore_vulgar_bed.gif

[Tired Old Man]

5648792

OOC: Okay, that's too much for Tia to respond to (she's got more important things to do, and has long since moved on from this), so I'll just cut to the main problems you have with the story.

The first involving the book is still... pretty much validating "Don't judge a book by its cover." Because how else would you know the book is full of crap unless you actually read it? As you said yourself, the books were full of misleading information or otherwise lacked basic knowledge, which you can say is true because you or someone else read them. But you couldn't if you just saw the title, since that can't fully confirm your statement unless you open it to find out. You can be 99% certain that a book is full of shit after reading its title, but it won't be 100% because that 1% is stuck in the pages, and you can't get that out without opening the book to read, even if it's the first page. Near-certain isn't absolute.

Also, the full title of the book Twilight discarded was "Supernaturals: Natural Remedies and Cure-alls That Are Simply Super." Similarly ridiculous title to the one Tia mentioned (and a blatantly obvious pun if Twilight bothered to read past the first word, meaning she didn't even read the whole title before she tossed it as an option), so Twilight would have no excuse not to read it, especially considering she was looking to cure her own illness. But why doesn't she do that?

Simple. If you haven't noticed, Twilight is amazingly forgetful and presumptuous in my portrayal of her, which is exactly why many of the episodes remain unchanged. It's why the warning to Fluttershy and Twilight failed to amount to anything because she forgot to relay it. It's why she and her friends went off to deal with a dragon despite Tia's warning to stay away from it because she half-read the warning and grossly misinterpreted it. It's why Tia gets extra annoyed when Twilight sends her a letter that's pretty much a repeat of a lesson she had already learned, even if it was somepony else who learned it but Twilight's presenting it as something new anyway. What straw man possibly exists when Tia has a student so forgetful that her inconsistency is, curiously, the only thing consistent?

Finally, for Zecora, I entreat you to consider some small questions: If the town fears her so much that even the sight of her sends them to locking doors like she's a boogeymare or some big bad wolf with a set of lungs...

How do they know her name? How did this amazingly fearful hostility come about? Who started the rumors? Why? The episode doesn't answer any of those questions.

I won't answer these, because tonight's chapter will answer for me.

(And if I'm honest, the glowing-eye thing is pretty much meant for the audience because that happens at the start of season four as well with hardly any reasonable explanation. What I put out there was at least reasonable because they deluded her into looking much scarier than she actually was, but that second one... I got nothing. Spook for the audience, reasoning be damned.)

[MustacheMerlin]

Man, that was cold. I thought you already worked this out in person!

[Zilverfoss]

5648553

Okay I lost it.

[Pinklestia]

Well, at least it wasn't a musical spell.

[zernoc56]

5690466 Same, I just ... that GIF, man. That GIF

[GoldenCyclone4]

5648553 That... Was the best thing I've ever seen! Who's the artist? I gotta look them up!

[Rise fanboy]

Ahhh Yes, The day Twilight Nearly plunged peaceful Ponyville into a very bloody Civil war over a...........Ratty childhood toy. That took the cake for me. Lessons learned thus far

1.never break a pinkie promise
2.Do not let Pinkie pie think you are trying to send her away or else SHE will come out.
3.Beware Pissing off Fluttershy, never ends well
4.Do not let someones apparent paranoia go ignored, you might just find your city on the brink of war.

[Cantwriteforshit]

The first you are well aware of, as are all of my maids that now use brushes instead of brooms.

Ah Fantasia!

[Tatsurou]

6707608
It took me until your comment until I realized what that meant.

[NocturnalLillith]

I love Lesson Zero because of WHY it was written.

Basically, the writers were having problems writing episodes that centered around other members of the Mane 6, yet had to involve Twilight in such a way that she can write a Friendship Report about the lesson learned. Lesson Zero gave the writers a way to have the "what I learned today" part without having to shoehorn Twilight into the episode.

Don't get me wrong, I love Twilight Sparkle, but even Doctor Who has episodes which are either Doctor-light or Companion-light ("Midnight" and "Turn Left"are the ones that come to mind)

[Octavia Sotto Voce]

5648553

That gif if by far the most entertaining pony gif I've had the pleasure to come across. Not only that, but the context here is perfect.

[TyVulpine]

"Beating a dead horse" might seem racist in Equestria. Maybe "beating a dead human"? Or "beating a dead gryphon"?

[Paxwing]

7701477 Beating a dead gryphon would be speciesist (?) I guess, and there don't seem to be humans; I don't think there's really a proper equestrian equivalent to that, as they wouldn't have the same history that led to the saying

[crossed]

8094369
beating a dead alicorn would kind of make sense, considering how most of the time writers use celestia in place of god.

[Firebrace101]

5646722
There is another reason for Lunas to hate black in chess, it always comes second. White moves first, then black. If you use that to your advantage you can win in three moves as white...Assuming Luna doesn'the know this trick means she'said going to be chucking rocks at statues again.

[StormLuna]

8306319

White moves first, then black. If you use that to your advantage you can win in three moves as white...Assuming Luna doesn'the know this trick means she'said going to be chucking rocks at statues again.

That is true with white but with black....if white moves just right, you can win in two....I know this because I've done it before.

[Dashie04]

5648553
I needed a chuckle, I got a chuckle.

Especially considering the WoF Wikia was close to a religious war an hour ago. (Yes, such a thing happened, it’s a long story.)

[KvAT]

No, Luna, that doesn't mean you should send me letters from your room.

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE PROCESS!