Letters from an Irritated Princess

by Tired Old Man

Express Delivery for a MMMasterful Treat

Pinkie,

I ask you this, miss observant and semi-omnipotent: am I stuck in a time loop? Because, by the gods, I'm reading a lesson on the importance of not jumping to conclusions. Again.

I've said or heard the words "don't jump to conclusions" millions upon millions of times, most of the time said by me, with the rest mentioned by nobles in a half-hearted apology after being called out in day court on their amazing lack of perception. I've said it to half your group of friends by now, including my student over five hundred times. It's officially become a part of my morning routine to practice mouthing those words so my jaw doesn't lock up while saying them. Please don't make me repeat those words to you any more.

In other news, the National Dessert Competition went spectacularly well, and it was good to see everypony there cheering on those fantastic sweets. It took a while for Luna and me to make it--we're still recovering from the Cake Colossi Incident and needed to be airlifted to the event. We could walk, but flying's faster. Our Pegasi guards may lack wit, but more than make that up in awesome brawn.

Although I must say that a joint collaborative entry between four of the competitors is something we haven't seen before. Really defeats the purpose of a competition, if you ask me, but I didn't complain when it made a dessert that decided to mix doughnuts, eclairs, cake, and mousse into a sweet smorgasbord that was a feast for the taste buds.

It's just a shame it didn't win because of Peach Cobbler's Cobbler Castle. I couldn't believe that such a thing was possible to build with nothing but cobbler ingredients, but it stood proud and tall, trouncing every other entry in height alone. Everything was edible, even the tower spires, and it was so unspeakably delicious that I couldn't find the words to describe it as Luna and I chowed on it like ravenous titans.

Now Pinkie, I know what you'll do to Peach Cobbler. It's the same thing that happened to Brew Lay and Madame Macaroon when they won the last two competitions you've entered, and what you tried to do to me when you thought I was just spiteing you. They still haven't recovered from your Sugar Bomb Delight, and are still in therapy for their busted teeth and crippling sugar addiction. I'm fine, and you should know that it will take more than an irresistibly sweet jawbreaker to take me down.

Do not send another one to me. I'm done with those terrible things, you hear me?

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Hello Luna--what is that lump in the side of your mouth?

NO! You spit that out this instant! You don't know what you're getting into with that thing!

I don't care how sweet it is, it won't be when you find yourself craving another as soon as it's gone! Now. Spit. It. Out!

Thank you, Luna. Now, leave. I need to dispose of this before... before...

Comments

[OminousBrony]

And that is how she got you Celestia.

[Seether00]

Pinkie is evil

[Aurora Dimmet]

Resist, Revered Dawnmother! Resist! Tempt not the seductions of the wily jawbreaker! Rather... rather repurpose them, give them out as 'rewards' to especially xenophobic, tribalist, and annoying nobles in court! Bring them into thrall, yes. Dictate the terms of their continued dosing!

[TimeLord11]

And next...the wedding!

[Iron Sky]

No comment on Pinkie swallowing the cake whole, without sharing?

[Tired Old Man]

5756832

"Schtress eating from her loss. I can rewate."

~Celestia, nursing a jawbreaker

[Hillbe]

Celestia's eatin tha bullets for the tree-bucket !
Dang she took a whole bigun

Applejack!

[Sandy Sam]

Not the jawbreakers!

[BlueYoshi]

Pinkie's jawbreakers are definitely not for the ordinary.

The letter for the wedding should be an interesting one. I think one of them would be Celestia's invitation to the mane six for the preparation of the wedding.

[DragonMaus]

Just imagine how terrifying it would be if Princess Celestia and Pinkie Pie ever teamed up…

[DJPurple3]

This is getting better and better. Perfect. Them gobstoppers, tho.

[Fallen Prime]

You know, I haven't actively followed a story in... sweet country-fried Christ crackers, it must be more than a year now. But this one's holding my interest, impressively.

[MustacheMerlin]

5756894 Sharknado 2: the second one. This time it hit New York! We're gonna need a bigger chainsaw.

[Tired Old Man]

5757791

You still have that tab up after all this time? Wow, that's some dedication.

Not that I'm complaining in the slightest. I'm happy you're following this, as I am for the rest of you good folk reading this.

[Fallen Prime]

5758128 Oh yeah, I said I was doing that...

No, I did end up closing the tab, but I pop back in whenever a chapter shows up in my feed. Because tracking is a thing, and this is the first story I've used the tracking function for since it was implemented.

[Tired Old Man]

5758136

Well, I feel honored to be your first tracked story. And again, thanks for being so dedicated to reading this.

It means a lot to me. Really.

[Fallen Prime]

5758148 And thank you for having such a good attitude in general. If you'd seen half the shit I have on this site... trust me, personable authors are a breath of fresh air.

[RedvsBlue327]

5758184 ... I don't get it.

[LeopardCay]

smorgasbord

I see that.

[Pinklestia]

The Pink menace needs to be stopped.

[INACTIVE_ACCOUNT]

5758136 Oh that's what the tracking function does?

[Dark Star2014]

5794320 I know how to stop it.

[Legoliam1235]

5803931 how HOW YOU MADMAN iv'e tried for years and yet i sill hear her mocking laughter every day of my life!!!!!!

[Bob Market]

Wait... I want a sandvich cake =D

[Misty Spell]

]---[ The Jawbreakers of Conversion also known as the "Sugar Bomb Delight" shall bring about mass conversions as The Cult of Pinkism shall bring only the sweetest of treats to Equestria. ]---[
- The Book of Pinkism

[Emperor]

Sounds to me like 'jawbreaker' is another word for rock candy

[Zenith Sparkle]

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