Letters from an Irritated Princess

by Tired Old Man

The Cutie Map’s Parent Trap

Dear Twilight,

I don’t normally write up court orders for inanimate objects or magical artifacts, but thanks to a certain request on behalf of Starlight Glimmer, I’m sending you this to, uh, serve to the Cutie Map in my stead.

Enclosed along with this letter is a court order for the Map to enact a reasonable degree of friendship problem prioritization. More specifically, it is requested to NOT mandate a resolution between family members if the problem is a trivial dispute between them. Note that this does not apply to disputes that may result in drastic changes to the land of Equestria or any so-called “end of the world” scenarios. In that respect, any issues between me and my sister are deemed worthy of intervention, regardless if it ranges from not appreciating some effort in making breakfast to which way the toilet paper roll is supposed to face.

This order came forth due to a recent incident where it forced Starlight and Sunburst to reconcile with their parents over some of the pettiest reasons ever given to not do so—but that’s not my business, and neither should it be a Cutie Map Crisis. As they are adults, it is their right to handle their family situation how they choose even if such decisions may have them come off as massive pricks. There is no reason for the table to meddle in their personal lives with this level of authority over such affairs.

I do wish this was addressed when it asked three fillies some time ago to handle a hippogriff child’s “split” decision on their land and sea family matters. I’m more than happy to hear about the increased activity between the Hippogriff and Seapony populace, though that was tangential to solving a single family’s issue. Presumably this is the same for Starlight and Sunburst’s hometown which split itself into a bizarre half-historic museum where no one can touch anything and half-futuristic superstore where all food is served in cups. If that is the case, then maybe the Map should be more straightforward about addressing that as the major problem instead of making a minor problem the primary focus. Optional objectives are a thing—leave that for the mission taker to decide.

Anyway, until the table learns how to properly prioritize friendship problems with a certain degree of merit in fixing, this order shall take effect immediately upon receipt of the document and remain in effect indefinitely until the table stops acting like a nagging grandmother. Should the table ignore the order and once more summon a pony to apologize to their family for, say, stealing the last pudding cup from the fridge, said pony is free to ignore the table at their leisure.

Only, there’s still one problem with this order that neither I or Starlight could find an answer to, and I’m hoping you can figure this query out for the future in enforcing this new order:

Does the table have a mute button? Or do ponies have a mute butt button? It better not be the latter.

Waiting for an Answer,

Princess Celestia

Luna? What brings you over here at this hour?

Some nefarious thief stole your pudding cup again?! Oh, what a travesty to befall my dear sister. Don’t worry, I’ll just get some more from the store today.

Hm? Yes, I ate it. I’m also fixing it right now because if I don’t, there will be another friendship problem between us that requires Cutie Map intervention to address eating a pudding cup without permission!

I don’t care that you put your name on it! I was hungry last night! Just let me buy you a new pack so this doesn’t turn into a thing between us!

Comments

[LEGION55]

HAH!!!!!

[Eroraf86]

You hear that, Harmony Jr.? Celestia is done wit' yo' shit!

[Level Dasher]

PREACH!

[PhycoKrusk]

8908663
What if the Cutie Map is actually trying to warn everyone of an imminent doomsday stemming from exactly the sort of disproportionate responses we see in ponies, and it’s just that nobody has caught on yet?!

[Coyotek4]

Careful, T.O.M., lest someday you find the Map displaying your cutie mark over an active volcano.

[Tired Old Man]

8908663
Because with most other incidents called on by the cutie map, it was easy enough to see how handling the small problem could contribute to solving the larger problem. The incidents you cited all have a clear impact on something larger than them, be it a neighborhood or a Wonderbolt Reserve roster.

But if you were to ask someone how fixing an interpersonal family matter contributes to bridging two land and sea communities, or fixing a future-past town, it’s somewhat difficult to bridge the small and big problems without stretching things heavily in the tangent department.

It’s why I called out the incidents today and at Mount Aris specifically as the worst offenders of justifying a map callout.

[Jphyper]

It's episodes like this that have me starting to think that the show may have jumped the shark. The shark-jumping episode, the season premier, may not have been bad in itself, but it contained the seeds of shark-jumping-ness, if that makes sense.

Come on, writers... You have less than two seasons left-- don't drop the ball now!

[Eroraf86]

8909471
Whatever happened to "smile, smile, smile"?

[BlueYoshi]

After watching S08E08, I finally got to see why Sunburst no longer responded to his mother's mails.

derpicdn.net/img/2018/5/6/1725565/large.png

Also, what is Stellar doing in these scenes??? There are other ponies watching, you know.

[RDDash]

Thank you, I guess I somewhat agree with this chapter

[grogar]

Three hour later

"JUST LET ME BUY YOU THE BUCKING PUDDING!!" Celestia snapped as she began throwing chairs at Luna

"YOUR IGNORING THE DAMN PRINCIPLE OF THE MATTER!!" Luna angrily shouted as she blasted the chairs.

[FanOfMostEverything]

8909009
I'm going to respectfully disagree. In Terramar's case, it did seem like the two cultures were splintering to the point where they'd never see each other again just out of inertia and personal preference. With Sire's Hollow, it was a matter of addressing the root cause of the past-future split. Firelight even explicitly says he's trying to freeze the town in time so Starlight would have somewhere familiar. In order to make sure the intervention stuck, the kids had to get their parents to relax so their anxiety didn't leak out in town revamping projects again.

[Justice3442]

8910304
For starters, apologies for dumping this wall of text on you. It's just that I've spent a lot of time thinking about this episode and this latest letter reflects a view I originally pitched to TOM. A lot of the below is just me getting out my personal opinions and observations on the ep, because as anyone who follows my work probably has observed:

scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/31964088_10215078426646781_8643870941627023360_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&_nc_eui2=v1%3AAeFu0yiv_dTdhCcHhnPYBTFmdlVElqJHyC6p6lBhTsxk8Aj1Jga6mRxBUJZWl8GKQS7iRGOlqeV6LHpMsQ3qHIk4W_jXXY_qSbV2ALibjxBfFw&oh=52906b8717a127c66a938b65ec53cb6c&oe=5B56EB89

I feel Starlight's dad preserving the town stems from something he seemingly loves more than anything, the past, and that stuff like preserving his daughter's room and treating her like a perpetual filly also stem from that. Basically, Starlight's dad issue is that he's so in love with a history that he idolizes it to the point that he's causing parts of the town to freeze or even 'backslide' in regards to non-ancient conveniences. Likewise, he's obsessed with Starlight's past and likely assumes any problems between him and his daughter stem from that past. Oddly enough, this is ONE Starlight problem that doesn't stem from her childhood as the underlining issue is that her father is having trouble moving on from the past. While it's possible he considers preserving the town a bonus for his daughter, I seriously doubt he wouldn't have done this anyway if she wasn't a factor.

Sunburst's mom has sort of the opposite problem where she's obsessed with the future and modernization. She's so obsessed that she embraces some changes without fully thinking of the consequences. Granted, I may have some personal bias here as the "welcome message" at the gate was about the only thing I could pick out as 'bad' and also on Sunburst's mom. The pushy perfume pony semi-macing Sunburst over and over again isn't really on his mom and hey... I like smoothies. Presumably, there's still a store nearby that sells basic foods? If not, there's a problem in pony society here that goes far beyond two yahoos taking control of a city in running it into the ground, and that'd be the fact that society allows for this.

Given how the parents are presented, the root cause seems to be their attitudes to either the past or future depending on which pony we're talking about. Their strained relationship with their children is a symptom of the problem, not really the problem itself, as is the state of the town. That being said, the state of the town is something that affects many ponies. The map, by bringing Sunburst and Starlight in managed to solve the underlining town issue, which I personally, would have accepted as the underlining 'friendship' issue. The odd thing is that the map seemed to want Starlight and Sunburst to stick around until they solved their personal issues which don't really impact anypony but the four we're primarily discussing. While usually, episodes present these personal problems as a root cause of much larger issues, the last two map issues presented to us were connected to much bigger problems. Basically, we're getting a bit of these episode putting the carts ahead of the ponies.

While it's undeniable important problems that impacted multiple ponies where solved in these eps, it's starting to feel like the map has become a 'meddlesome aunt' regarding the ponies of Equestria and that it has some specific designs regarding how family relationships should go that it's willing to hound ponies about until they up and fix even their OWN personal problems.

As mentioned, larger problems WHERE addressed in both cases, so it could also be argued that the table knows what it's doing, it's just that it has to operate under a very specific set of conditions that make it appear as some sort of creepy, snout-in-your-business relative if a problem isn't solved in a specific order. That is to say, perhaps the end goal of the Table of Harmony™ is these larger goals of helping communities, it's just that it's forced into this specific method of dealing with the problems by homing in on a social issue between two or more ponies because it always deals with 'friendship' issues' and can't exactly send ponies to deal with these larger community-dynamic issues as they don't strictly fall into this category of 'friendship problem' or a problem that specifically has to do with the state of a relationship between two or more ponies.

Using the latest episode as an example, it's possible the only way the table could fix the REAL problem of Sunburst's mom and Starlight's dad making the town an unpleasant place to live it had to send representatives there to solve a tangentially related problem (uh, you two should reconnect with your parents, I guess...) and hope for the best. Basically, the table might still mean well, but due to the rules it must adhere to as a magical artifact, it's overstepping the bounds of 'minding it's own damn business' out of necessity.

Even if that is the case, I feel Celestia's response in this letter was appropriate (again, notably biased here since TOM's wrote the letter shortly after I gave a much shorter version of the above as my take) as she and no other pony could know the table was operating this way.

Also, as much as the above makes sense to me, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I've probably put a bit more thought into the implications here than the writers of this episode did, but hey, that crow would be delicious if I was proven wrong.

I think the episode would have either worked better if Twilight has sort of pitched this to Starlight and Sunburst as a friendship lesson or Sunburst and Starlight reconnecting with their parents went a bit more hoof and hoof with fixing the problems of the town, but that's just my two bits.

[Aotrs Commander]

8910798

I concur with pretty much what you've said, though MY concern is the table appears to only use people Twilight knows directly. (Didn't summon Sunburst until after he'd met Twilight...)

I think your interpretation of Order running the Magic Table is distressingly plausible, actually.

Myself, I, frankly, just plain don't trust the table. Did we learn nothing from Arthut Weasely? Where does it keep its brain? The table is either some sort of automated computer system (apparently with oddly specific range of targets, perhaps even only "people that have been in the same room as it" (actually, that's a very interesting point...) - and as an automated system without oversight, there is no garentee it will work flawlessly is and thus that is eventually going to get someone killed. Or it is some kind of all-knowing entity that is being, frankly, an uncommunicative dick and that is eventually going to get someone killed.

(I find, given what it has accomplished, that a situation that is so utterly contrived exists that this is best it can manage in communicating to be... Highly unlikely at best. Ditto one where nothing can ever go wrong, because Equestria is only a utopia (kinda) DESPITE the various nasty monsters out in the world...)

Personally, though, I spent most of this episode just wanted to cheerfully strangle both sets of parents for being on opposite ends of the parental doucenozzle scale.

[Justice3442]

8910995
Funnily enough, this episode will probably lead to some Order shenanigans, likely as part of one of the other stories he's in.

[SpinelStride]

They did a whole song about this. "It's What My Cutie Mark Is Telling Me." Ponies have a long history of being bound by their buttstamp's determinations about their destiny. The table is just adding in a glowy bit to indicate that there's a specific task in progress, instead of just compelling instant obedience. And who's to say that the map hasn't been averting some other issues down the road? Maybe without sending them to Sire's Hollow, the past/future battle would have escalated into a serious problem, and solving that was a sine qua non in reconciling with their parents. Maybe they're going to need their parents in a future crisis, and things would go badly at that point without having already addressed the issue. Or maybe the table is operating on the 'broken windows' theory - there isn't a major crisis now, but by being a stickler about smaller issues, it prevents overall degradation of the environment. That one would actually mean that Celestia's reaction at the end of this letter shows it's working - she is averting a problem between herself and Luna not because she would do so on her own, but is changing her own behavior as a direct result of the table's missions. And so that problem didn't happen, so Luna doesn't take it out on some guardpony, who doesn't then spread it to his family, and so on. No single big issue. But by keeping the little stuff down, everything stays better.

[Ri2]

8910798
Alternatively, the tiny dog living in the table did it because he thought it would be funny.

[howard035]

8914627 Oh god, until this moment I never realized how much I wanted to see an Order/Celestia feud.

[Zubric]

8910995
That’s true I mean the key map called spike to solve his own problems. I mean I know it’s a plot device but it’s a really vauge plot device they keep lamp shading At least starlight village was actually a threat I mean why did the tree of harmony harmon I mean why did the tree of Harmony just some in a box for them to get their superpowers? Didn’t know there eventually get their keys somehow, or how to choose what was the keys