Letters from an Irritated Princess

by Tired Old Man

Parental Glideance Might Not be Best After the Bird Has Left the Nest

Dear Rainbow Dash,

For the longest time, I berated you under the premise that your pride and ego were things you held up far too highly for your own good. I thought them to be self-actualized, born from a natural sense of achievement within you and heartily nurtured by your parents. It didn’t sound like a particularly bad upbringing—maybe a bit jarring depending on how strongly you developed your ego and how others perceived it, but hardly the worst upbringing ever.

Yet upon reviewing your original application into the Wonderbolt Academy, you didn’t list your parents as emergency contacts should any on-site injuries occur. I admit I developed some curiosity into this matter, so I went straight to the source on this—well, it’s not like I had anything better to do on a Sunday. Luna was busy adding more bleachers near the NP goalpost (I’m stunned there are fans of this), and the day was mostly quiet due to a not-so-shocking lack of nobles which were not my problem for the day.

Anyway, so I visited your parents’ house, and I just have one thing to say:

I am extraordinarily proud that you left this house on the cusp of adulthood. If there wasn’t a low-end age limit on house acquisition, I’d be shocked if you didn’t move out sooner than your birthday.

Five minutes, Rainbow. Five minutes spent with your parents shattered my preconceptions about your childhood in one of the worst ways possible. The trophies documenting your growth are astounding and creepy (who keeps a third of their umbilical cord?!), and the teen years didn’t do you any favors either. “Best Brace Bearer”, “Number One Acne Annihilator”, and a literal hole in the wall turned into a shrine for “First Broken Curfew”? By the gods, they must have driven you insane!

Correction: I just remembered they presented a broken sandwich plate as your “First Bout of Insanity”. I thought I had knowledge that would contest that record, but then Windy and Bow stunned me by presenting a broken fanblade from the Cloudsdale Weather Factory.

They call it your "Best Factory Wrecker" trophy.

I have no words. I'm actually speechless there.

There is one thing I can say to you, however. I will hold firm that denying them information on your Wonderbolt status IS disrespectful, despite their over enthusiastic TMI awards. I understand you getting upset over all of those mundane achievements recorded by your parents including a recent one for…towel hanging (What? No really, what??). However, denying them a chance to give praise on a praise-worthy moment like that is more selfish than their awards and fangirl screaming are embarrassing.

Somepony probably spelled that out to you this week, but if they also tried to justify all of their unnecessary praise, just take them back to your parents’ home and show them the “Best at Being Born” ‘trophy’. That should spell things out for them on what praise is actually good and what praise is pointless.

I look forward to how your damage control is going with them, Rainbow Dash. It’s still hard to believe your parents caused more damage than you today (setting off fireworks in the bleachers is somehow the one blowup nopony focused on), but there is a first time for everything.

Best of luck,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Unbelievably, your parents gave ME awards. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to react to a “Blue Ribbon for Regal Presentation” award or a “Second Place for Brutal Honesty” medal—apparently you hold the gold medal, but I’m not going to compete for that. Some achievements just aren’t worth it.

Even more surprising, my mane alone won four more awards: "Freshest Resemblance to Toothpaste", "Best in Show for Breezeless Flowing", "Honorary Mention for Most Efficient Storage Container", and "Most Incredible Cape Material". I object to that last one. That's clearly Luna's.

Also, I’m in the middle of sending your parents a new set of commemorative plates. Apparently their last set broke due to an earlier house guest’s unbridled cheer, and I currently have no shortage of plates.

If for some reason they begin complaining about one of their plates hopping off the mantle, prancing about and leaving porcelain bead droppings on the floor, notify me as soon as possible.

Author's Note:

What's this? A letter releasing on the same day as the US airtime? WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS?!

Canada. Blame Canada.

Comments

[Gojira_Tanaka]

thank you... this was awesome.

[Tatsurou]

Okay, this was both very thought provoking and hilarious.

[GamerGoddessDin]

who keeps a third of their umbilical cord?!

Is that a Bloodborne reference I see?

PS For the uninitiated: http://www.bloodborne-wiki.com/2015/03/third-umbilical-cord.html

[Tired Old Man]

8177782

Oy, be careful giving others Insight like that. There's some things that ain't good to comprehend.

[MythrilMoth]

[alfonso_rd_33]

so, sunny made plate-pets?

[Streakofscarlet]

This is probably my favorite letter in quite a while. Ever since the Apple-something-jack joke "ended", it just hasn't been as funny as this.

[Emptybee]

Canada. Blame Canada.

They're not even a real country anyway

[ShadowLDrago]

I think I know who won the Brutal Honesty gold medal and when. When Rainbow Dash just blew up at her parents. Which, apart from the door gag, was probably the best part about the episode.

[grogar]

nice way to portray this episode base-breaker status, good work.

[grogar]

also this

Rainbow dash: Unfortunately it doesn't work on the uber fans.

[Hclegend]

8177942 People are fucking plebs. GO WATCH THE SOUTH PARK MOVIE AND GET THAT REFERENCE.

[BlueYoshi]

"Parental Glideance" was a fun episode to watch. It was nice to see RD's parents for the first time.

Also, Rainbow kind of looks like Windy.
derpicdn.net/img/2017/5/9/1432472/large.jpeg

Maybe this is why.

derpicdn.net/img/view/2017/5/9/1432439__safe_edit_edited+screencap_screencap_windy+whistles_parental+glideance_spoiler-colon-s07e07_cute_image+macro_meme_solo_windybetes.jpeg

[Chimp]

The Blame Canada South Park song is playing in my head now...

[Emptybee]

8178221 LOL. The sad thing is I gave them the link just in case they had no idea what I was talking about. Internet outrage at its finest. ::shrug::

[Boulder]

8178506 Underline the links, find that helps.

[FanOfMostEverything]

Windy does seem to hold Celestia in nearly as much regard as she does Dash. And this really does explain so much about Rainbow.

[Meep the Changeling]

8179348 Yeah, they are all translated from the same realy bad translation made back in the feather and parchment days by reclusive monks who were translating ancient Greek into old English, and that ancient Greek translation had been translated by scholars hundreds of years previously into ancient Greek from ancient Hebrew, a language which lacks punctuation of any kind.

Know what happens if you translate the original scriptures into English now, using accurate modern methods? This is how the opening verse translates out with the context included:

"At the beginning <of a piriod of time, not the beginning of time itself> the Elohime <not quite translatable to 'god', more like 'nature spirit', and it's a PLURAL, meaning it's a group of things> ordered <made by arranging existing material> the two heavens and the earth."

That COMPLEATLY changes the ENTIRE god damn message being relayed there. You go from a monotheistic omipotant singular entity to a group of entities who are powerfull but as the word used for 'create' should be translated, fabricated everything that exists now out fo prexisting materials, and created MULTIPLE heavens, which are contextualy clearly ment to be places, realms/worlds, not a poetic metaphore for 'the sky'.

GG, Gregorian Monks. GG.

[akajulester]

BLAME CANADA~!!!

[DualKitsune]

"Most Incredible Cape Material". I object to that last one. That's clearly Luna's.

I agree. Now how do I make one?

[Lancerlot]

8179826
Yeah, no... given a translation by actual scholars, or your bizarre ravings, I'll go with the scholars.

[Meep the Changeling]

8185236 That is scholars. The "holy bible" is a translation by clergy. It's 100% nonsense. A game of telephone. Go read the original documents for yourself.

[ClockworkShield]

The trophies documenting your growth are astounding and creepy (who keeps a third of their umbilical cord?!)

Sweet! Now all we need is 2 more and then we can access the secret ending boss in Bloodborne!

But seriously, nice reference. Have a spike stache