• Member Since 19th Mar, 2012
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Aragon


Quoth the raven: "CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW" (Patreon)

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The Canterlot Archive decides to create a document listing the age of every pony in Equestria. It's impossible to mess this up.

The Canterlot Archive messes this up.


Proofread by Octavia Harmony.

Special thanks to Selbi for additional help.

Live reading by CaptainBron3y

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 228 )

I've the strangest urge to knock the stuffing out of these idiots, before then giving Luna some deathly huggles and listing every reason possible as to why she is the best Princess ever.

5378085

I feel the same way, and I'm the fucking author, so yeah, go figure.

Also, I wonder how many people will get why Rich wiggles his eyebrows?

Not reading it yet, but the summary reminds me strongly of a case of a kindergarten that, for its opening, sent party invitations for every 4-year-old in the town, including a 104-years-old lady.

5378099
I assumed it's because his money got him a 26 year old trophy wife.

And I feel kinda sorry about Last Hope and Fiddle Diddle (even if they were kinda dicks to Luna). At the end of the story they were like a pair of unlucky Lovecraft protagonists.

5378123

I assumed it's because his money got him a 26 year old trophy wife.

More than that. Diamond Tiara is eight years old. Think about that.

5378131
...His money got him an eighteen year old trophy wife? Or is it going completely over my head?

The gold this story is made out of could buy the fucking world!

5378099 Maybe it's cause he's married to a mare half his age?

There's stupid, there's really stupid, there's damn stupid, and then there's these guys.

Another silly story by Aragon? How can I resist?

What could possibly go wrong?

A lot, actually.

A Comment Wherein MrNumbers Adds More Jokes, Because You Wouldn't Be Reading A Comedy If You Didn't Want More Jokes:

To our surprise, Asking About Her Age was listed in that book as Social Mishap Number Twenty, right above Accidentally Desecrating Her Parents’ Corpses and below Refusing to Stop Headbutting Her.

These, of course, are not quite so grave as number #3 - Giving her tea with not enough sugar in it, #4 - Giving her tea with too much sugar in it. This usually resulted in #14 - Not listening to her complain about her weight and/or figure, as too much sugar would be seen as a temptation and too little as an insinuation.

Of course the revelation of this, if pitfall #14 is to be avoided, is of course inevitably #15 - Admitting to her that she has, in fact, put on weight.

If #15 comes to pass, please refer to Social Mishap Rules #841 through to #917 for the disposal of corpses.

Sadly, Princess Celestia is a female. Or at least we think so, anyway. We wanted to ask it too, but Asking if She’s a Female, No I Mean, Like, For Real, Are You Sure is listed as Social Mishap Number Two Hundred And Six, so we guess we’ll have to believe our hunch. In other words: we can’t ask her just how old she is, exactly.

#207 - Surreptitiously Groping Her Crotch To See If It's 'Taped Down' Or Something.

In other words: we can’t ask her just how old she is, exactly.

As an addendum, asking for I.D does not kill the mood, and no, the Guard do not take that as a valid excuse.

fifty hundred

Five thousand. Fifty hundred is not something one would say in English. We would say eleven hundred or twelve hundred, but anything past the teens hits the ear oddly.

“Eh. Yer young. Ye’ll manage.” Then he shook his cane and spat on the floor, but we’re not quoting that part.

Still better than the time he spat his cane and shook the floor. That was terrible for all involved.

because it’s not like anypony really cares about Luna

You are going to get so much hatemail for this one line alone.

And you will have deserved it.

You monster.

Then she started sobbing, and we went away, because, well, we had some stuff to do. Sadly, this means Princess Luna’s age is also unknown. We’ll keep trying.

Please, for the love of Luna, don't.

Just don't try. At all.

You know the expression 'Well, at least you tried your best'?

You know who else tried their best? Ed Gein. Ted Bundy. Dahmer. John Wayne Gacy. Stalin. Hitler.

If you try again, you are worse than Hitler, because then you'd have tried your best and then some. If Hitler had done that, there'd be much less Jews, and that's arguably a bad thing.

Also, Fancy Pants kept pronouncing his wife’s name as “Fleur Dis Lee”, but we chose to ignore this information because it sounds pretty freaking dumb.

"Also something about her being cherchez la femme but asking what foreign euphemisms mean was still in that 1001 book, somewhere. I can't remember, that whole second was all Greek to me."

Jet Set and Upper Crush: We’re not going to lie, we have no idea who is Upper Crush and who is Jet Set. Maybe Jet Set is the mare? Jet Set sounds kind of feminine, we think.

You, uh, go from Crush to Crust in the next bit. Oops.

Also... their kids would be named Jet Crash and Upper Cut. Awesome.

Of course, Mayor Mare is a female, and we know this as a fact because the alternative is that her parents were both very blind and very cruel.

That's nothing. Did you hear about this one pony named Golden Receiver? - No. No plugging your own fics on someone else's comments section. Would I be any better, then, than those ponies who asked those questions of Luna? Yes. But not by a wide enough margin.

She sharply said she was only forty-years old, to which we said “yeah, right.” We write her down as being fifty years old, because come on, who is she trying to fool?

"Mayor Mare? What are you-"

"I'm most dreadfully apologetic, Mrs Cake, but is Pinkie Pie... 'in'?"

"Oh, why, yes, she's upstairs, why?"

"I have a cartload of grey mane die I shan't be needing anymore, and I have it on very good authority that it does wonders for her shade of pink."

"Won't be needing anymore?"

"I am not eighty-five, Mrs Cake."

"Oh. Happy eighty-sixth birthday, then! Would you, uh, like a birthday cake whilst you're here? I don't think we have enough candles."

He answered politely to our inquiries, explaining he was fifty-four, fifty-five by the end of the year. We made sure to ask him too about his daughter’s age, as well as his wife’s. He explained that Diamond Tiara is actually eight years old, and that her mother is twenty-six.
He then wiggled his eyebrows quite vigorously and said something about money and how easy life was when one has it.

Fun fact: She was born twenty three years ago, but when you're that rich, you can just buy the extra three years.

We then asked Eiffel why does he know so much about the little fillies of Ponyville, and for some reason he got really nervous and asked us to please don’t write this down, because something something old crimes? He mumbled this part. Anyway, we promised we wouldn’t write it down.

This, err- I know why you added this joke, because reasons, but this might be a bit too dark for your mainstream audience. Or not. The jury's still out, reading this on public transport, stifling too-loud guffaws.

Well, doesn’t matter. After this, we were planning on asking Big Macintosh about Granny Smith’s age, but Dusty Book accidentally desecrated Big Macintosh’s parent’s corpses. Because, quoting him, “the tombs were just standing there, they were clearly asking for it, so it’s their fault, not mine!”

I officially ship Dusty Book with Granny Smith. It would be like two elephant-skin-rugs having the dust shaken out of them by banging them together.

Dusty Book felt the urge to politely ask “Just how [censored]ing stupid are the kids of this [censored]ing town?” and Rarity got angry at this.

Damn it Rarity, he asked politely.

I'm sure he nodded thoughtfully to himself, once, tapped her gently on the shoulder, then asked it as kindly and with as much alacrity as possible. What more could you want?

And he said censored. That shows great personal restraint, you know.

They keep reading and reading and reading, they say. Nothing matters. Only the books.

Damn it, Aragon, you know your audience too well.

Now, we’re not here to judge Dusty Book, but that’s pretty racist. We know he’s old and all that, but... Yeah, that’s still pretty [censored]ing racist, to say it in Rainbow Dash’s words.

It's not racist if it's true. [Censored] air-headed featherbrains. Think they're so great because they can fly.

Maybe they'd think more if they weren't all so high all the time!

That was when Rainbow Dash went, um, livid, to put a word on it. And long story short we woke up two hours later, full of bruises, to realize we’d been beaten up by two Elements of Harmony in two days. That has to be some kind of record.

Usually it takes six of them in one day.

Now, if 6X:1 and 2X:2, then... hrrm... Let's see... ah yes, the math checks out.

You're all a bunch of fuckin' lightweights. Except, I suspect, Dusty. He could have taken her, if his hip hadn't given out. I suspect he tried, too.

Granny Smith approaches from the Acres, lying beside him, whispering sweet nothings into his ear as her own hip snaps under the-

No. I am not writing broken-hip kama-sutra.

Again.

We didn’t know what to do. This was a shock. Fluttershy is one of the biggest heroes of Equestria, and she’s one of them. We were scared, scared out of our minds. So we did the only logical thing – we hit Fluttershy on the back of the head with a baseball bat and shoved her in the closet.

I have absolutely no qualms or quibbles with this. This is the first thing you lads have done right this whole story.

Rainbow Dash, of course, will be exceedingly excited when Fluttershy comes out of the closet later.

Books. Books. They never stop. [...] WHY ARE WE ALIVE?”

Jesus Christ. This whole message.

It's dark. It's borderline horrifying. It's the signs of a diseased and tortured mind.

Look, Aragon, you need to stop quoting me from when I'm sober. There's a reason we drown it out. Or at least give me credit. I'm sure to do the same if I quote you from those times you're not off-your-face on cough syrup.

And then Mister Cake got angrier! That was weird. He refused to answer to us, so we don’t know how old he is. He even told Eiffel that no, he couldn’t see the twins. Which is weird, because Eiffel was very polite. Sure, he was licking his lips all the time he said the words “baby twins”, but we’re pretty sure that’s just his way to say “please.”

Remember earlier when I suggested he was too dark? Yeah, making it into an increasingly awful running joke did not make that better.

Unless you Crossed The Line Twice.

Oh dear. I can't tell.

We had to wait for Princess Twilight Sparkle in her palace, because, as we already said, she was busy defeating Luna again. Spike was there, and he’s quite the pleasant fellow – Eiffel didn’t seem to like him for some reason, though. He kept saying that “young dragons are not his type. Not innocent enough. Not pure enough.” Eiffel can be so weird sometimes.

Nope.

You see, we said, we shoved Fluttershy in her closet yesterday [...] she might get out any moment now.
They got very pale after hearing this.

Homophobes.

What could possibly go wrong?

Coroner's Report: The Archive

Patient #1 Causes of Death - Blood Loss, Trauma from Multiple Lacerations
Post-Mortem Horn Fracturing
It appears the patient tried to fell a tree with his bare hooves, resulting in repeated impaling of splinters up into his forelegs and hindlegs.

Patient #2 Causes of Death - Severe Internal Hemorrhaging from Blunt Force Trauma
It appears the patient succeeded in felling a tree using Patient #1 as an axe, explaining the fracture horn. He was standing under the tree at the time.

Patient #3 Causes of Death - Repeated Dismemberment, Decapitation
It appears the Archive were very capable of harvesting wood from trees once felled and sharpening them. It appears they were terrible at pointing it away from themselves. Once screaming draws the attention of others, it appears they are very good at pointing it towards the source of the sound.

Patient #4 Causes of Death - Puncture Wounds in Kidneys and Lungs
It appears the Archive are very adept at stabbing ponies that scream in general, even if it's one of their own realizing they had decapitated Patient #3

Patient #5 Causes of Death - Blunt Force Trauma to the Neck and Genitals
Patient, bloodstained and dishevelled, appears to have asked asked a group of fillies just how old they were, clearly in violation of social etiquette rule #21, and #1 - No, Seriously, Don't Be A Pedophile, It's Not That Hard, and If It Is Hard, Then You're In Violation Of This Rule Already.

Celestia closed her eyes and massaged her temples with a hoof. “Suns and Stars ,” she muttered, “I seriously need to hire smarter ponies.”

So... not from Ponyville? Or pegasus? Right.

Pedaphiles are probably still cool. If they're smart enough to not get arrested by the time they get this job, they're doing something right.




Well, that was a romp and a half. Sorry for the length of this, I enjoyed the story immensely and decided to just wordgasm all over it.

I´m laughing, crying, violently coughing and I just spilled my beer. Man, this story is sooo good :rainbowwild:

5378234

That's nothing. Did you hear about this one pony named Golden Receiver?

One of my favorite OCs, only second to Azalea of Hard Reset? Now, if I can only get that ship out of the dry dock.

I am a terrible person for laughing at this.

5378234

Look, I was writing it, got dark all of a sudden, and then I thought you know what, this is a sign.

So yeah, it's just dark enough to be Teen, but noooot quite enough to be Mature. Subtle!

Social Mishap Number Two Hundred And Six,

Extra space.

Last Hope and Fiddle Diddle said they weren’t sure if they were up to challenge, but, quoting the oldest member of our Archive,

Missing "the."

Jet Set and Upper Crush: We’re not going to lie, we have no idea who is Upper Crush and who is Jet Set.

It is "Crust."

quoting Eiffel here, “would explain quite a couple of things, actually”.

Eiffel himself is not very bright, is he?

That looked like a really good idea, but just to be sure, we asked her how old Sweetie Belle was first.

"Seemed" or perhaps "sounded."

Rainbow Dash got kind of angry because of the racism, which is totally understandable, because pegasus are dumb like that and they got offended easily.

"Pegasi" and "get."

We’ve forgot how the Sun looked like.

"Forgotten what."

So went away without knowing how old they were, but at least we’ve advanced a lot when it comes to fighting against that horrible conspiracy.

Missing "we."

Princess Twilight Sparkle was in it too!

Missing "on."

Sure, the trees have faces, but what?

Missing "so."

So tomorrow, once we’re ready, once we’re fabricated some weapons, we’ll attack Ponyville.

"We've."

This was pretty funny. Poor Fluttershy, a victim of circumstance. And a baseball bat. Man, that letter from Hope and Diddle, though. :rainbowlaugh:

KBO.:twilightsmile:

...what the actual [censored] did I just read? :rainbowhuh:

...why am I not surprised? :facehoof:

Good job, Author. I guess. I'm not so sure how stupid somepony would have to be to pull this off, but I laughed so hard!

Remember, Twilight Sparkle probably would've turned into one of these ponies had she been left to her own devices. Whole lot of scholars with virtually nil social intelligence.

I am a bit surprised that no one intervened with Luna, though. Or that she didn't try mixing up the dreams. Or that Nightmare Moon didn't specifically seek out the archivists. I know she was basically a target in this story, but still.

In any case, a fairly amusing read, though it collapses under moderate scrutiny. I'm trying to have fun with it, but part of me keeps knocking over the set pieces.

I started laughing and laughed through the whole thing. :rainbowlaugh:
My sides!

This was great.

:rainbowlaugh:

This [censored] is amazing

On a more serious note, very, very good fic. Really. You got a fav, upvote and follower just with that.

:rainbowlaugh:

5378390

Here's a thought - what if this happened because the Archivists were the only ponies outside of Ponyville that bother talking to her at all? Everypony else with a social intelligence above that of a Mongoloid - yes I'm using the offensive term but I'm doing it because I save the politically correct terms for the people who deserve niceties - fears her too much to talk to her at all.

These are the first ponies to actually say what everypony is thinking.

It would explain why it took her so long to get speech therapy.

Oh dear.

My guess is, when screening potential hires for mental instability and IQ, the Palace Staff office started on the wrong end of the list.

5378390
Well, one would hope that even Student Twilight "Social ineptness" Sparkle would be smart enough to not engage in casual physical assault.

I wasn't quite sure if they were really stupid robots or very, very stupid and antisocial ponies. I found out at the end it was the latter.

This was... *ahem* ...interesting...

That was the funniest story about an unrepentant pedophile I've read all day!

Well, that, uh...

That actually sort of explains why the Element Bearers (and 8-bit Spiky!) always have to solve all of Equestria's problems: Because, as time-consuming and convoluted as it may sometimes be, it's clearly much safer than allowing them to sort out their own messes.

This reads like the illegitimate offspring of a TF2 comic and an episode of Welcome to Night Vale.

I can't tell if this story is great because of its satirical look on government census or the fact that I was sharpening my knife when I read their opinions of Princess Luna. Regardless, have a fav.

I clicked on this out of curiosity, encountered what seemed to be a troll fic and ended up laughing by the end due to the brilliance of the piece. Nice work.

5379129

Without any doubt, it's my darkest story yet. Like, even I'm impressed I went there, to be honest. Not in a good way.


5379306

This was supposed to be a satire of people dumping headcanons in their stories for no real reason, but it got really out of hand after just one paragraph, and ended up being some kind of fucked up weird thing. I didn't try to criticise government census, though, because why would I be angry at that? They're just writing things down.

I just thought "okay, let's see if I can make a bunch of characters so stupid that they fuck up something as simple as asking a question and then writing the answer". Apparently I succeeded!

5378085 Considering the fact she controls countless stars, as well as the tides, you'd think she'd be considered a bit more powerful than Lightbringer. Just sayin'.

Well, I laughed.

Poor Luna, though.

What the hell is your problem with Luna?! I thinks she needs a hug. Im going to give her a hug while awaiting your explanation. I will also give her an oreo cookie.

5379353

Has it ever actually been stated in the show that Luna controls the stars?

This reminds me of those wizards from the Discworld books. It's like they all decided to become 'adventurers' at the same time and were Ponified.
Poor Luna.
I love you, Luna!

This... is a genius story.

By hating so much on Princess Luna, you've ensured that everyone reading this will go and give her a hug and reassure her that she's a wonderful princess. You must be a wonderful person.

Now, excuse me, I have to go and give my princess a hug.

That was hilarious. And dark. And hilariously dark!

Good work!

Oh. Oh, dear Celestia. Oh, dear baby Celestia, we’re so sorry. We take back everything we said about parents being able to name their children right. Just… Oh, god. One of our members is called Middle Finger, and even he got luckier than Filthy Rich.

Why would a pony be named Middle Finger in the first place?
But, it probably wouldn't be such a bad name, considering it probably isn't known as an insult to most creatures in Equestria.

The story itself was alright, but you were, like, really harsh on Luna.

I mean, I get that most people don't really have a strong opinion of her, but seriously dude, that was fucked up.

Well, I've had this habit of making poems so NO!

Way too awesome story for this!

But basically, two young ponies get traumatized into becoming hermits, a foalycon, a senile old turtle looking pony, one really stupid pony, a book about what not to do, conspiracy theorists, and etc. etc. were in charge of an age consensus? And somehow managed to do what a cult couldn't do and bring back Nightmare Moon? Along with coming up with a really, rally weird conspiracy theory? And insulting all of the Elements and their families? Along with attempting to declare war on ponykind in the name of finding out the ages of everyone? Excuse me as I get my drink of sugar and diabetes and helpful things.

I'm truly convinced that ponies use lead pipes for their running water.

5379795 Hey! The Romans did, look how that amazing, well-defined civilization ended up! With class! With riches! With a crazy emperor and being overrun by German tribes, no less!

Wait...

Those Luna parts were kind of just mean. It wouldn't be so bad if she clearly gave those jerks their comeuppance like with the Rainbow Dash scene, but pretty much every time you gave her an action they didn't even care. It seriously puts a hamper on the enjoyability of the story.

5378234

I officially ship Dusty Book with Granny Smith. It would be like two elephant-skin-rugs having the dust shaken out of them by banging them together.

I once shipped Granny Smith and Granny Pie. It was glorious.

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