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The Canterlot Archive decides to create a document listing the age of every pony in Equestria. It's impossible to mess this up.
The Canterlot Archive messes this up.
Proofread by Octavia Harmony.
Special thanks to Selbi for additional help.
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I've the strangest urge to knock the stuffing out of these idiots, before then giving Luna some deathly huggles and listing every reason possible as to why she is the best Princess ever.
5378085
I feel the same way, and I'm the fucking author, so yeah, go figure.
Also, I wonder how many people will get why Rich wiggles his eyebrows?
Not reading it yet, but the summary reminds me strongly of a case of a kindergarten that, for its opening, sent party invitations for every 4-year-old in the town, including a 104-years-old lady.
5378099
I assumed it's because his money got him a 26 year old trophy wife.
And I feel kinda sorry about Last Hope and Fiddle Diddle (even if they were kinda dicks to Luna). At the end of the story they were like a pair of unlucky Lovecraft protagonists.
5378123
More than that. Diamond Tiara is eight years old. Think about that.
5378131
...His money got him an eighteen year old trophy wife? Or is it going completely over my head?
The gold this story is made out of could buy the fucking world!
5378099 Maybe it's cause he's married to a mare half his age?
There's stupid, there's really stupid, there's damn stupid, and then there's these guys.
Another silly story by Aragon? How can I resist?
A lot, actually.
A Comment Wherein MrNumbers Adds More Jokes, Because You Wouldn't Be Reading A Comedy If You Didn't Want More Jokes:
These, of course, are not quite so grave as number #3 - Giving her tea with not enough sugar in it, #4 - Giving her tea with too much sugar in it. This usually resulted in #14 - Not listening to her complain about her weight and/or figure, as too much sugar would be seen as a temptation and too little as an insinuation.
Of course the revelation of this, if pitfall #14 is to be avoided, is of course inevitably #15 - Admitting to her that she has, in fact, put on weight.
If #15 comes to pass, please refer to Social Mishap Rules #841 through to #917 for the disposal of corpses.
#207 - Surreptitiously Groping Her Crotch To See If It's 'Taped Down' Or Something.
As an addendum, asking for I.D does not kill the mood, and no, the Guard do not take that as a valid excuse.
Five thousand. Fifty hundred is not something one would say in English. We would say eleven hundred or twelve hundred, but anything past the teens hits the ear oddly.
Still better than the time he spat his cane and shook the floor. That was terrible for all involved.
You are going to get so much hatemail for this one line alone.
And you will have deserved it.
You monster.
Please, for the love of Luna, don't.
Just don't try. At all.
You know the expression 'Well, at least you tried your best'?
You know who else tried their best? Ed Gein. Ted Bundy. Dahmer. John Wayne Gacy. Stalin. Hitler.
If you try again, you are worse than Hitler, because then you'd have tried your best and then some. If Hitler had done that, there'd be much less Jews, and that's arguably a bad thing.
"Also something about her being cherchez la femme but asking what foreign euphemisms mean was still in that 1001 book, somewhere. I can't remember, that whole second was all Greek to me."
You, uh, go from Crush to Crust in the next bit. Oops.
Also... their kids would be named Jet Crash and Upper Cut. Awesome.
That's nothing. Did you hear about this one pony named Golden Receiver?- No. No plugging your own fics on someone else's comments section. Would I be any better, then, than those ponies who asked those questions of Luna? Yes. But not by a wide enough margin."Mayor Mare? What are you-"
"I'm most dreadfully apologetic, Mrs Cake, but is Pinkie Pie... 'in'?"
"Oh, why, yes, she's upstairs, why?"
"I have a cartload of grey mane die I shan't be needing anymore, and I have it on very good authority that it does wonders for her shade of pink."
"Won't be needing anymore?"
"I am not eighty-five, Mrs Cake."
"Oh. Happy eighty-sixth birthday, then! Would you, uh, like a birthday cake whilst you're here? I don't think we have enough candles."
Fun fact: She was born twenty three years ago, but when you're that rich, you can just buy the extra three years.
This, err- I know why you added this joke, because reasons, but this might be a bit too dark for your mainstream audience. Or not. The jury's still out, reading this on public transport, stifling too-loud guffaws.
I officially ship Dusty Book with Granny Smith. It would be like two elephant-skin-rugs having the dust shaken out of them by banging them together.
Damn it Rarity, he asked politely.
I'm sure he nodded thoughtfully to himself, once, tapped her gently on the shoulder, then asked it as kindly and with as much alacrity as possible. What more could you want?
And he said censored. That shows great personal restraint, you know.
Damn it, Aragon, you know your audience too well.
It's not racist if it's true. [Censored] air-headed featherbrains. Think they're so great because they can fly.
Maybe they'd think more if they weren't all so high all the time!
Usually it takes six of them in one day.
Now, if 6X:1 and 2X:2, then... hrrm... Let's see... ah yes, the math checks out.
You're all a bunch of fuckin' lightweights. Except, I suspect, Dusty. He could have taken her, if his hip hadn't given out. I suspect he tried, too.
Granny Smith approaches from the Acres, lying beside him, whispering sweet nothings into his ear as her own hip snaps under the-
No. I am not writing broken-hip kama-sutra.
Again.
I have absolutely no qualms or quibbles with this. This is the first thing you lads have done right this whole story.
Rainbow Dash, of course, will be exceedingly excited when Fluttershy comes out of the closet later.
Jesus Christ. This whole message.
It's dark. It's borderline horrifying. It's the signs of a diseased and tortured mind.
Look, Aragon, you need to stop quoting me from when I'm sober. There's a reason we drown it out. Or at least give me credit. I'm sure to do the same if I quote you from those times you're not off-your-face on cough syrup.
Remember earlier when I suggested he was too dark? Yeah, making it into an increasingly awful running joke did not make that better.
Unless you Crossed The Line Twice.
Oh dear. I can't tell.
Nope.
Homophobes.
Coroner's Report: The Archive
Patient #1 Causes of Death - Blood Loss, Trauma from Multiple Lacerations
Post-Mortem Horn Fracturing
It appears the patient tried to fell a tree with his bare hooves, resulting in repeated impaling of splinters up into his forelegs and hindlegs.
Patient #2 Causes of Death - Severe Internal Hemorrhaging from Blunt Force Trauma
It appears the patient succeeded in felling a tree using Patient #1 as an axe, explaining the fracture horn. He was standing under the tree at the time.
Patient #3 Causes of Death - Repeated Dismemberment, Decapitation
It appears the Archive were very capable of harvesting wood from trees once felled and sharpening them. It appears they were terrible at pointing it away from themselves. Once screaming draws the attention of others, it appears they are very good at pointing it towards the source of the sound.
Patient #4 Causes of Death - Puncture Wounds in Kidneys and Lungs
It appears the Archive are very adept at stabbing ponies that scream in general, even if it's one of their own realizing they had decapitated Patient #3
Patient #5 Causes of Death - Blunt Force Trauma to the Neck and Genitals
Patient, bloodstained and dishevelled, appears to have asked asked a group of fillies just how old they were, clearly in violation of social etiquette rule #21, and #1 - No, Seriously, Don't Be A Pedophile, It's Not That Hard, and If It Is Hard, Then You're In Violation Of This Rule Already.
So... not from Ponyville? Or pegasus? Right.
Pedaphiles are probably still cool. If they're smart enough to not get arrested by the time they get this job, they're doing something right.
Well, that was a romp and a half. Sorry for the length of this, I enjoyed the story immensely and decided to just wordgasm all over it.
I´m laughing, crying, violently coughing and I just spilled my beer. Man, this story is sooo good
5378234
One of my favorite OCs, only second to Azalea of Hard Reset? Now, if I can only get that ship out of the dry dock.
I am a terrible person for laughing at this.
5378234
Look, I was writing it, got dark all of a sudden, and then I thought you know what, this is a sign.
So yeah, it's just dark enough to be Teen, but noooot quite enough to be Mature. Subtle!
Extra space.
Missing "the."
It is "Crust."
Eiffel himself is not very bright, is he?
"Seemed" or perhaps "sounded."
"Pegasi" and "get."
"Forgotten what."
Missing "we."
Missing "on."
Missing "so."
"We've."
This was pretty funny. Poor Fluttershy, a victim of circumstance. And a baseball bat. Man, that letter from Hope and Diddle, though.
KBO.
...what the actual [censored] did I just read?
...why am I not surprised?
Good job, Author. I guess. I'm not so sure how stupid somepony would have to be to pull this off, but I laughed so hard!
i.imgur.com/Wteqom6.jpg
Remember, Twilight Sparkle probably would've turned into one of these ponies had she been left to her own devices. Whole lot of scholars with virtually nil social intelligence.
I am a bit surprised that no one intervened with Luna, though. Or that she didn't try mixing up the dreams. Or that Nightmare Moon didn't specifically seek out the archivists. I know she was basically a target in this story, but still.
In any case, a fairly amusing read, though it collapses under moderate scrutiny. I'm trying to have fun with it, but part of me keeps knocking over the set pieces.
I started laughing and laughed through the whole thing.
My sides!
This was great.
This [censored] is amazing
On a more serious note, very, very good fic. Really. You got a fav, upvote and follower just with that.
5378390
Here's a thought - what if this happened because the Archivists were the only ponies outside of Ponyville that bother talking to her at all? Everypony else with a social intelligence above that of a Mongoloid - yes I'm using the offensive term but I'm doing it because I save the politically correct terms for the people who deserve niceties - fears her too much to talk to her at all.
These are the first ponies to actually say what everypony is thinking.
It would explain why it took her so long to get speech therapy.
Oh dear.
My guess is, when screening potential hires for mental instability and IQ, the Palace Staff office started on the wrong end of the list.
5378390
Well, one would hope that even Student Twilight "Social ineptness" Sparkle would be smart enough to not engage in casual physical assault.
I wasn't quite sure if they were really stupid robots or very, very stupid and antisocial ponies. I found out at the end it was the latter.
This was... *ahem* ...interesting...
That was the funniest story about an unrepentant pedophile I've read all day!
Well, that, uh...
That actually sort of explains why the Element Bearers (and 8-bit Spiky!) always have to solve all of Equestria's problems: Because, as time-consuming and convoluted as it may sometimes be, it's clearly much safer than allowing them to sort out their own messes.
This reads like the illegitimate offspring of a TF2 comic and an episode of Welcome to Night Vale.
I can't tell if this story is great because of its satirical look on government census or the fact that I was sharpening my knife when I read their opinions of Princess Luna. Regardless, have a fav.
I clicked on this out of curiosity, encountered what seemed to be a troll fic and ended up laughing by the end due to the brilliance of the piece. Nice work.
5379129
Without any doubt, it's my darkest story yet. Like, even I'm impressed I went there, to be honest. Not in a good way.
5379306
This was supposed to be a satire of people dumping headcanons in their stories for no real reason, but it got really out of hand after just one paragraph, and ended up being some kind of fucked up weird thing. I didn't try to criticise government census, though, because why would I be angry at that? They're just writing things down.
I just thought "okay, let's see if I can make a bunch of characters so stupid that they fuck up something as simple as asking a question and then writing the answer". Apparently I succeeded!
5378085 Considering the fact she controls countless stars, as well as the tides, you'd think she'd be considered a bit more powerful than Lightbringer. Just sayin'.
Well, I laughed.
Poor Luna, though.
What the hell is your problem with Luna?! I thinks she needs a hug. Im going to give her a hug while awaiting your explanation. I will also give her an oreo cookie.
5379353
Has it ever actually been stated in the show that Luna controls the stars?
This reminds me of those wizards from the Discworld books. It's like they all decided to become 'adventurers' at the same time and were Ponified.
Poor Luna.
I love you, Luna!
This... is a genius story.
By hating so much on Princess Luna, you've ensured that everyone reading this will go and give her a hug and reassure her that she's a wonderful princess. You must be a wonderful person.
Now, excuse me, I have to go and give my princess a hug.
That was hilarious. And dark. And hilariously dark!
Good work!
Why would a pony be named Middle Finger in the first place?
But, it probably wouldn't be such a bad name, considering it probably isn't known as an insult to most creatures in Equestria.
The story itself was alright, but you were, like, really harsh on Luna.
I mean, I get that most people don't really have a strong opinion of her, but seriously dude, that was fucked up.
5378085 I know right!
Well, I've had this habit of making poems so NO!
Way too awesome story for this!
But basically, two young ponies get traumatized into becoming hermits, a foalycon, a senile old turtle looking pony, one really stupid pony, a book about what not to do, conspiracy theorists, and etc. etc. were in charge of an age consensus? And somehow managed to do what a cult couldn't do and bring back Nightmare Moon? Along with coming up with a really, rally weird conspiracy theory? And insulting all of the Elements and their families? Along with attempting to declare war on ponykind in the name of finding out the ages of everyone? Excuse me as I get my drink of sugar and diabetes and helpful things.
I'm truly convinced that ponies use lead pipes for their running water.
5379795 Hey! The Romans did, look how that amazing, well-defined civilization ended up! With class! With riches! With a crazy emperor and being overrun by German tribes, no less!
Wait...
Those Luna parts were kind of just mean. It wouldn't be so bad if she clearly gave those jerks their comeuppance like with the Rainbow Dash scene, but pretty much every time you gave her an action they didn't even care. It seriously puts a hamper on the enjoyability of the story.
5378234
I once shipped Granny Smith and Granny Pie. It was glorious.
5379658
Did you not get that the archive ponies were fucking idiots?
There's a difference between the views held by the author and the views held by their respective characters.
5379884 I know that, but my point remains the same.
Can... can someone make another fic where those ponies are hung from the gallows for assaulting royalty and kickstarting another NMM incident? Seriously, can someone make that?