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Quoth the raven: "CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW" (Patreon)


When Twilight Sparkle was four years old, her mother bought her a tombstone.

Dedicated to Regidar. They're a real one.

Edited by MrNumbers and R5h.

Chinese translation by Hehelover

Russian translation by Repitter.

Patreon. Ko-fi. Picture of me looking handsome

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 123 )

These are my Patreon supporters with a $5 tier or higher, and this is the special small-story shoutout I do for them. Story’s so short and shoutout got so big I had to put it in the first comment rather than in the author note. Cheers!

  • Knowing there are ways to trick a trickster, Jeffb dared me to fit an entire lightbulb in my mouth. But when I failed to get it out and Jeffb laughed, I unhinged my jaw, and swallowed the lightbulb whole. I said. I have won. And they said what the f*ck. Dude did you just eat a lightbulb? What the hell! Those things are made of glass, man! And I said so it is my win. They said oh my f*cking god Aragón we bet five bucks. And you ate a lightbulb. I said look I just really need the money okay. Oh f*ck I think it broke. Oh God. Oh f*ck. Then I expulsed shards of crystal and blood on the carpet and Jeffb said OH MY GOD and I said hey give me five more bucks and I eat that, too. He said JESUS CHRIST WHAT IS YOUR—OH MY GOD AT LEAST WAIT TILL I FINISH BEFORE YOU EAT IT AG—
  • The feud between Undome Tinwe and I reached its climax in Verona, 1834, when we met at a party. I approached, so that he might see my new clothes and remember my family was richer than his, and formalities were exchanged through gritted teeth. Then I said, oh, my dear, I forgot to say—I poisoned the champagne. To which Undome Tinwe replied what? Oh. How embarrassing. So did I. And we both looked at our drinks, felt that old spark, and laughed. Exchanging antidotes, as the guests around us dropped like flies, I took Undome’s hand, and kissed it, and I said, my dear. We were made for each other. Shall we give ourselves a second chance? Upon which he replied, you know, my gloves are also coated in poison. And then I said what. Oh my God. Oh my God you son of a f—
  • Octavia Harmony noticed me out of the corner of his eye, realized I was starving, and offered me food. I hadn’t eaten in days. I smelled the food, and then his hand, and then I licked the inside of his mouth so that I would know he was not an enemy. Once I ate the food, and satiated my hunger, I said, you have fed me. In exchange, I will sleep by your fire. My ears are keen, and will catch the sound of a predator approaching while you sleep. I will help you just like you helped me, and I promise you loyalty, and that my descendants will follow my example, and become Man’s best friend. And Octavia Harmony said, you know, I knew the New York subway had, like, a reputation? But you’re the weirdest f*cking homeless guy I’ve seen in my entire life.
  • As Barcelona burned, Era Mare dared not look away from the fire. They said, Demon. Come to me. The flames rose in the sky and took the shape of my face, and with the voice of a million dead ones, I spoke: here I am. Era Mare said, let me see her again. That was the deal. I said, not quite. That was only part of the price. Era Mare said, what else is there for me to do? What else is there for me to give? I have nothing left. I said, no. There is one more thing. They said oh my f*cking God if this is about me watching you eat a lightbulb again I’m leaving. I said LOOK. I HAVE SPENT A LOT OF TIME HONING THAT SKILL. I’M JUST SAYING I DESERVE SOME RECOGNITION. They said that’s it, I’m out. I said WAIT, NO. PLEASE DON’T LEAVE. I AM SO LONELY. F*CK.
  • Emlyn Costilow finally managed to capture me in 2017, and brought me to their lair under the river Hudson. Finally! they said. Finally, I have defeated you! I said agh, you fiend. Ravish me all you want, you will never break my spirit, the spirit of justice! Emlyn said I’m sorry what. Ravish? What? I said oh. Oh, are you not—I-I thought we had a thing going? You know, kind of a, a villain-hero sorta…? They said oh. Oh! Oh, I am so sorry, I never really thought of you as anything other than a nemesis. Sorry. I said oh. They said wait is that why your suit has a boob window. I said I thought you liked it? They said uh I mean, we’ve just been trying to kill each other for ages, so I never really cared. I said oh. Okay. No, no, it’s fine. They said you know what, I’m just going to blow your brains out I think. I said you mean in the fun way? And then they shot me twelve times in the face.
  • Ross James and I were engaged from birth; a promise to join our two kingdoms and finally bring peace to the land. On my sixteenth birthday, I visited his palace. Sitting by moonlight, I rested my head on his shoulder, and said, I’ve had bad experiences, but I think I could learn to love you. He said what. No. I said what do you mean, no. He said dude this marriage is as political as they come are you kidding me. Why would I even touch you, I’m getting mad p*ssy on the side. I said but I saved myself for you! He said wow that really sounds like not my problem. I said but what about the vows we shared? In front of the Head Priest? He said you do realize I f*cked the Head Priest, like, as soon as you left the church, right? Like, you could hear us. I said oh. Uh. Can you at least lend me five bucks so I pay the taxi home. He said yeah sure, if you eat this lightbulb.

I... wow! This is quite interesting. The moral is unbelievably powerful and really helps bring the concept of dealing with death into a different light. For me personally I never really feared death as much as others, mostly because I'm from a religious household where we believe death to only be temporary, but despite that, I never really considered the even in this scenario time is still precious and it's best if you get done what you can while you can. This is no doubt a useful message for people who believe death is the end and there is nothing afterward.

Really good story I really liked it keep up the good work.


Aragon is cute.


So, they buy tombstones early. Are plots of land in a graveyard booked at the same time?

What the hell is wrong with you, and how do I replicate it for myself?

This...is quite the interesting piece. A creative way to express a moral. Have a thumbs up.

that's one way of dealing with your tombstone. maybe you should start telling people about your family's non-existent tradition.

You have achieved incredible things in your lifetime, Twilight and your tombstone is much smaller.

Should probably be a comma after Twilight I think?

And the smile in Celestia’s face could have lighted the whole night sky

"on her face could have lit up the whole night sky" I think.

I really like seeing little pieces like this that focus on characters and do it well. Also I would love to see how Celestia's tombstone gets filled out, that might be a bit... disruptive.

After enough time has passed, I always forget that you're capable of writing non-comedic stories with the same wit and skill as your comedies. And you always remind me that, no, you're actually capable of writing incredibly powerful stories in multiple genres. The twist was neat, too, and sent chills down my spine when I got to it, so kudos for the execution.

if equestria is celestia Tombstone then what is luna's?

I like to think the stars spelled her name once. Maybe it's just the moon. Or everybody's dreams put together.

I had a couple ideas but the question never reallly came up in the story and I thought it'd be better to leave it ambiguous, so every reader can sorta come up with whatever answer they like the most.

Joke's on you, but -- as you probably already knew -- this is kinda based in real life. My family bought my grave when I was like 2 or 3 years old, and I've always found that to be one of the funniest fucking things. Like. The level of foresight. They gave me one look and went 'oh shit yeah better safe than sorry'. Priceless.

Mr. Numbers was involved?

No thanks...

LEN NARD was here...

Just wanted to put that there so people would know I was here when I'm gone.

Dang, I loved this! Really thought-provoking piece with a very well put-together plot! That bit with Celestia's tombstone was a nice touch!

Really good job! I loved it!

It is a weird sort of whip lash to go from your serious stuff right from your comedy stuff. Except your comedy stuff has this weird core of seriousness to it? And your serious stuff is always a little absurd?

Basically good job.

Alfalfa, green olives, three kinds of peppers, and double cheese.

Whatever your personal reservations, I’d encourage you to separate the art from the artist. This is quite a good story with a strong moral. Who honestly cares who edited it?

Also why am I up at 4am

I'm afraid to say I think I've had a hand in almost every Aragon story that's come out in the last five years.

My beliefs aren't necessarily a reflection of his, though, or vice versa.

This is so awesome I've got to steal a chunk of it for Green Grass. Kudos.

I repect your beliefs. I just can't respect the chaos caused by you voicing them with misinformed logic and then taking steps insure informed debate would never happen...

Can you not do this on a completely unrelated story comment section?

I commented on why I couldn't support this story... He technically started on me for it.

And your comment about not being able to support this story was soooooooooo necessary in the first place.

So because you don't like the editor you're going to not support this story? If so why did you come here to leave a comment?

Its everyone's god given right to state their opinion. Demeaning mine in a sarcastic manner hardly makes your's any better...

You do realize that its everyone's right to state their opinion too?

Each of these are gold in their own right and I would fucking love to see more of these. I laughed more at them than I did any of your stories. I'm... really not sure if that's insulting or a compliment but I'm throwing it as the latter.

I love it.

“My name is Celestia, Queen of Queens;
Look on my world, ye Mighty, and rejoice!
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal tomb, with naught a voice
The lone and level fields stretch far away.”

This was absolutely impeccable. Of course I expected nothing less, but I was really blown out of the water by this one. The prose especially is so tight and well-oiled without losing any natural cadence or atmosphere


I swear that’s a roll of quarters in my pocket honest

Literary fetishes aside, the actual plot delivering a fresh(er) take on the classic alicorn immortality trope is great. Already a sucker for alicorn immortality played straight, this minor subversion puts it a cut above; it makes it from being just another (if expertly written) epitome of the genre to something that stands on its own feet. The anti-nihilism is also very tactfully and powerfully applied; whereas Ozymandias is left hanging on the existential thought of time’s passage, the story here deviates in showing the characters’ persisting in spite of it.

Something something the limited nature is what makes life so valuable etc etc

Phenomenal work. :twilightsmile:

Just because it’s your right to have an opinion doesn’t make it not stupid

Hey, I know this is crazy, but let's talk about the story or something.

I like it.

Where's Luna's tombstone, though?

Good story but now I have SERIOUS questions about Celestia's mother...

And if Luna felt all slighted because she didn't get a tombstone, that explains why she went full Goth for NMM...

When you have to include the word technically there it's usually a bad sign.

Seriously, this is just petty.

Lovely piece of work! And I generally go with the theory that Alicorns are immortal until something kills them (like all of us :twilightsmile: )

And now imagine Luna, on the moon, looking down and seeing that.


“No.” Celestia smiled. “I understand the tombstone tradition might be macabre, but I also believe it teaches us something… very valuable.” She seemed to taste the words in her mouth before speaking them, swish them around like one would do with wine. “Live every day to the fullest, because one day, it will all be over. It is not a bad sentiment. It has brought you far.”

Huh. That, is actually an interesting way to see things. Carpe Diem.

What is it with you and lightbulbs?

wait i thought it was your uncle's with the same name.

I love little parables like this. Thanks for writing.

This piece is the first piece of yours that I have read. I enjoyed it, and will continue to read your work. Good job.

How deliciously morbid.

Grow up.
Do the respectable thing and delete your petty comments.

They have nothing to do with this story and are a poor reflection on you and what you support.

To the author:

A wonderfully reflective piece !

One could say that the threads of continuation written throughout this story are quite relevant as we move from G4 to G5.

A very novel piece of world-building. This will make it into the headcanon of many.

Added to the top shelf of my Bookshelf.

Luna's tombstone is on the dark side of the moon, isn't it?

This was sad, uplifting, heart-breaking and funny.

10/10, take all of my bits and upvotes.

At six years old, kids don’t really understand death.

The lucky ones, anyway.

Unless they’ve lived through it,

I was, what seven or eight, not six - my eldest sister was three or four, though - but yeah; we've been there, done that.

Dunno what amde me think of it specifically; odd mood this morning.

(That probably killed thre mood, sorry. I woke up after having a dream in which Kim Possible discovered that the Centurions had all died some time ago and Crystal Kane was desparately carrying on, trying to save the world by using clones of them created from the patter buffers in the teleporters. Which on waking examination was a mostly-plausible/workable crossover scenario and I don't EVEN my subconscious.)

Where is this from? I feel like this is based on something. The closest I have of an idea is from Mexican culture where family and friends plan their burials and grave sites at young age. As it is, my mother, her mother and I already have our places set. I had chosen my place at 13.


What beliefs?

Aragon #49 · Feb 28th, 2019 · · 1 ·

The kind that you don't ask about in a story that has nothing to do with them, as everybody else has pointed out already, thank you very much.

Eh not really based on anything per se. I just thought of the story. As I indicated in an earlier comment, though -- my family did buy me a grave when I was like, 2-3 years old, so I kinda riffed on that because I found it funny, and then made up a tradition and a story and all that stuff from there.

Cool. That should be a tradition in somw form. As a Hispanic we celebrate death as something beautiful and wonder. To be happy for those that have lived and made it through life and are suffering no more.

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