"Aragon is someone everyone should know, but also deny ever having heard of."
-- Professor Plum
"Short, dark, and handsome. [...] Has a delicious accent."
-- Swan Song
"Aragon. You are what Hunter Thompson could have been, if he'd done less drugs and more hentai."
-- Bad Horse
"I'm pretty sure you are the abyss Nietzsche warned us about gazing into."
-- FanOfMostEverything
"You know how Douglas Adams described flying as throwing yourself as hard as you can at the ground and missing? Aragon fails up."
-- MrNumbers
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Sunsettle for This: SLOWLY CHIPPIN' AWAY THE NEXT CHAPTER YO.
I'm an idiot who doesn't know anything about romance. And I lost my computer for two weeks. I had nothing to do, so I took out my phone and, perhaps naïvely, I thought that reading some fanfics would be a good idea.
So I spent two weeks reading shitty romantic fanfiction over AO3.
It was the mental equivalent of feeding my balls to a baby whale.
This blog series is a chronicle of the many, many mistakes I found during those two weeks, and also a shopping list of all the ways I can tell the Internet to go fuck itself.
• Part One: "It Feels Rapey" -- Three Horrible Mistakes To Avoid When Writing Romance ("Why are they in love", "That is not how humans work", and "Why are they acting like children").
• Part Two: "It Still Feels Rapey" -- Common Mistakes When Writing Romance (The "Twilight Male Character" stereotype).
• Part Three: "It Feels Rapier than ever" -- Another Horrible Mistake To Avoid When Writing Romance (The "Tsundere").
• Part Four: "Hell is Empty" -- Another Mistake To Avoid When Writing Romance (The "Filler").
• Part Five: It Feels Rapey, and it Breaks My Heart: The Greatest Mistake when Writing Romance (The "Harem Comedy", Part One).
• Part Six: It Feels Rapey: Harem Comedies, or How I Hate your Waifu (The "Harem Comedy", Part Two).
Ongoing, I try to post a new one every month or so.
Daring DONE!
Rainbow Dash finds out that Twilight's mom is the author of the Daring Do saga. Things escalate quickly from there.
5,538 words
· 18,302 views
· 2,795 likes
· 45 dislikes
Twilight DONE!
Twilight needs to rule Equestria for a whole week. There's no way this can go wrong.
3,873 words
· 11,522 views
· 1,512 likes
· 26 dislikes
Shining DONE!
The day of Shining Armor and Cadance's wedding anniversary is coming. Shining Armor, wants to give his wife a truly exceptional present, so he asks the Royal Guard of Canterlot for help. Things get very out of hoof from there.
8,846 words
· 6,724 views
· 786 likes
· 20 dislikes
Parenting is Easy, I Swear
Cadance and Night Light share a pleasant conversation in a café. Everything somehow manages to get really weird, really fast.
11,525 words
· 7,580 views
· 1,036 likes
· 42 dislikes
Long Story Short, Things Went Down
Carrot Top discovers her coltfriend is cheating on her. Her first reaction is to kick him to next Monday, even though that can get her in jail. Good news? Her friends are going to get her out of trouble. Bad news? They're all sociopaths.
49,934 words
· 6,420 views
· 838 likes
· 43 dislikes
Sow The Wind, Reap The Whirlwind
Time Turner is preparing for the most important lecture of his life. One wrong move will mess up everything. Thankfully, his friends are there to help him relax. The problem is not his friends being sociopaths, but his friends being mad at him too.
19,095 words
· 2,419 views
· 305 likes
· 10 dislikes
Fridge Horror
Derpy was just trying to make a sandwich. Vinyl was there too. Now the world is ending. Really, it's all their fault.
13,571 words
· 5,461 views
· 506 likes
· 19 dislikes
A Train, on Fire, Full of Orphans
Lyra Heartstrings is driving a train with no brakes, on fire, full of orphans, and she's approaching a broken bridge at terminal velocity. Well. At least things can't get worse.
3,251 words
· 4,075 views
· 411 likes
· 21 dislikes
Wine And Toothpaste
Beer tastes bad, Whiskey is just horrible, and Colgate does not like drinking. This is the story of how Colgate met Berry Punch for the first time, and how she saw a bartender who was clearly a ninja. Side story to Long Story Short, Things Went Down
4,946 words
· 2,641 views
· 238 likes
· 1 dislikes
A Million Little Lights
Tonight, Celestia will talk to Shining Armor. With just one conversation, she needs to save Equestria.
2,176 words
· 7,073 views
· 923 likes
· 27 dislikes
Anarchive Reigns
The Canterlot Archive decides to create a document listing the age of every pony in Equestria. It's impossible to mess this up. The Canterlot Archive messes this up.
4,478 words
· 11,276 views
· 1,339 likes
· 84 dislikes
Today is a Good Day to Die
One night, just like that, Celestia realizes she's going to die in less than twenty-four hours.
9,126 words
· 15,451 views
· 1,352 likes
· 44 dislikes
Evil is Easy, Governing is Harder
One day, just like that, Celestia decides she's going to go mad with power.
18,246 words
· 10,267 views
· 1,261 likes
· 30 dislikes
A Hell of a Time
The princesses gave their magic to Twilight to prevent Tirek from stealing it. As a result, they end up stuck in Tartarus. The fact that things manage to go downhill here says a lot about the wonders of family.
4,444 words
· 29,617 views
· 3,376 likes
· 50 dislikes
After spending ninety minutes telling us we are all special and that we have to chase our dreams and life is wonderful and money is not the most important thing in the world and shit, my Human Resources teacher pointed at me and asked “You! What’s your dream?!”
“To die a fucking millionaire.”
Emphasis on the fucking.
Teacher didn’t like me much after that exchange, no.
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No wait, what I just typed here is better in a PM.
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Yo my guy, I just just wanted to say you are a cool dude. So have this.
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You're beautiful. If we weren't super married to other people, maybe I'd be super proposing to you.
2480685
In Spanish it's "araGON", accent on the last syllabe. I used to be "Aragón" (note the ó) in fimfic precisely because of that, and I still write my name that way in blogs and the like.
But everybody says "Aragon", accent on the first "a", 'cause that's English for ya. Even I find myself pronouncing that way if I'm speaking in English, really.
So, tl;dr: honestly, anything goes. Not even I give a shit about my name nowadays.