Time to Burn

Aragon #1 · Aug 23rd, 2019 · 8 · ·

These are my Patreon supporters with a $5 tier or higher, and this is the special small-story shoutout I do for them. From now on, though, due to this list kind of getting way too long, I’ll only be doing shoutouts for Patreon suporters with a $10 tier or higher. Sorry!

The year was 1988, and we were in trouble. The terrorists had taken over the skyscraper, and G.P. Prior and I were crawling down the air vents. G.P. Prior said, this isn’t looking good. There’s thirty of them. I said, don’t worry, I have a plan. You go down that vent and rally the hostages. I’ll go up the elevator shaft and have sexual intercourse with the dog we saw earlier. G.P Prior said, what? I said, it’s the only way. Good luck. G.P. Prior said w-what? Wait, don’t go just yet, we—hey. HEY. THAT’S OUR ONLY GUN. WHY ARE YOU LEAVING WITH OUR ONLY GUN IF ALL YOU’RE GOING TO DO IS FUCK A DOG. HEY. YOU PIECE OF SHIT.
I opened my chest cavity to reveal my purple, glowing, still-beating heart. Reach for it, I hissed, poison in my breath. Dare to claim what’s rightfully yours. Undome Tinwe said, uh, no. I hissed again, spitting teeth, and said, do it! Foolish mortal, you can’t deny your fate! If one of us is to live, the other shall die today! Undome said for the last fucking time, Aragón, I’m not going to consume your sacrilegious flesh to achieve immortality, just give me the twelve goddamn dollars you owe me. I said Eat my heart! Do it! Undome said dude I don’t care if you have a vore fetish, but stop trying to drag me into it. I said COME ON DUDE I HAVEN’T CUM IN YEARS.
I met with Octavia Harmony at the British Museum, and he took the file from my hands without saying a word. I said, the Nazis have stolen a statue containing our ciphers, agent Harmony, and if we want to win this war we need you to take it back. Octavia Harmony said um. Why is this a statue of you naked. Why does it look like this. I said because I enjoy art, agent Harmony, and now if you excuse me— And he said no I more mean, like. Why does it have so many nipples. This is an unnatural number of nipples. I said oh. Uh. That’s just an accurate representation of my—y’know, my mother always told me I had nothing to be ashamed of, so I assumed— And he said dude. Your mother lied. Your mother super lied.
Jeffb and I met up to feed the ducks by the riverside every Tuesday, and this unspoken agreement only became more important after the death of our respective wives. I still miss her, I said one day, throwing my last piece of bread at the river. Jeffb said, yeah, me too. He said, it’s especially bad in the mornings, waking up and seeing she’s not there. I said, yeah. I said, sometimes, when I think I can’t handle it, I’ll pick up her ashes and snort them a little. Jeffb said what. I said yeah, just like, grab some and snort them like you do with powdered milk? Jeffb said you don’t snort powdered milk. I said what? He said dude you mix it with cold water and drink it. I said what? You want me to drink my dead wife? and he said, wow. You deserve loneliness.
Emlyn Costilow was our coach during that last game, and by the fourth quarter we were losing 75 to 50. In our last time-out, I said, coach, there’s no way! They’re too good! Emlyn said, don’t you worry, guys. I think I know the way to win. I said, really? Emlyn said, yes, and then they opened the door to reveal a golden retriever on the other side. Emlyn said, its name is Air Bud. It’s the best basketball player I’ve ever seen. And I think it’s going to be the key to—Aragón what are you doing. I said hm? Emlyn said, why are you licking your lips every time you look at Air Bud. I said oh, you’re about to find out. Emlyn said what. What do you mean. Why are you pulling down your p—
As the alarms blared through the spaceship, Wishcometrue was the first to come to the bridge. They said, What is going on?! I said, Captain! We were hit by space debris, there’s a breach in the hull! Wishcometrue swore under their breath, and said, how bad is it? I said, worse than anything I’ve seen before, Captain. The entire structure of the ship has been compromised, and our oxygen is leaking. There’s not enough air for the whole crew. I moved to the airlock, and I said, it’s been a pleasure. Wishcometrue said wait. what? WAIT. WAIT NO. YOU’RE THE ONLY ENGINEER. YOU PIECE OF SHIT, YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN FIX THE—NO DON’T LAUNCH YOURSELF INTO SPACE. WHY ARE YOU FUCKING KILLING YOURSELF. THIS IS NOT HOW HULL BREACHES WORK. OH MY GOD. WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE.
I was watching a movie with Ross James in late September, when his three-month old baby sister, who was supposed to be sleeping, walked into the room smiled at us with a full set of adult teeth. It said, God cannot see me. Once I’m done, it won’t see you either. Ross James screamed, and said Aragón, what the fuck did you do. I said why do you always assume it’s my fault when a corrupted baby appears. The baby said, I will flay your soul out of your bodies. I will burn your eyes and eat your liver. I said oh, wow. Y-you’ll eat my liver, huh. That’s, phew. Y’know, Ross James, maybe you should run away and find help, I’ll stay here and, ehehe, I’m sure we’ll find a way to— Ross James said DUDE. MY SISTER HAS ADULT TEETH AND WANTS TO KILL US. CAN YOU PLEASE STOP THINKING WITH YOUR DICK. FOR ONCE. I said, hahah. No.
I helped FanOfMostEverything put on his boxing gloves, and I said, chap, good news. These gloves aren’t magical. The fight was IN YOU ALL ALONG. FanOfMostEverything said oh wow, coach. I don’t know what to say. I said I know, chap. Now go and get that guy who killed your father during last year’s tournament. FanOfMostEverything said you got it coach, I’ll use your secret uppercut technique and defeat him once and for all. I said oh yeah, more good news. About that uppercut. I don’t actually know anything about boxing. The talent was IN YOU ALL ALONG. He said wow, coach, that’s incredible. Okay. I guess I’ll avenge my father with my own strength. I said oh yeah, more good news. About your father. Guess where he was all along. FanOfMostEverything said what. W-what?. FanOfMostEverything’s shoulder said I love you son. FanOfMostEverything said Aaah. Aaaaaaaaah. AaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—
Alamandir walked into the Labyrinth, only to find my two halves blocking the way. One of us can only speak the truth, both halves of Aragón said. The other can only speak lies. You can ask one question to find the way home. Alamandir said wait hold on, but you both said that at the same time. So you obviously can say whatever, right? My one half said what. My other half said oh my God. My one half said are you kidding me. Are you fucking kidding me. I can say the truth? I’ve been able to say the truth all this time?! My other half said oh fuck the shit I’ve said to people. The shit I’ve—I want to die. I want to fucking die right now. My one half said I COULD SPEAK THE TRUTH ALL THIS TIME?! I’VE RUINED MY LIFE FOR NOTHING?! and Alamandir said Jesus Christ, I get why nobody wants to come to this fucking labyrinth now.
I was the first one to visit Pearple Prose once he finished moving in. He opened the door with a smile and I said hi! Welcome to the island! I brought you a gift. Pearple said oh, thank you very much! Everybody’s so nice in here. And you brought me a casket of eggs! I can make a mean omelette, if you want to stay for lunch? I said sure! It was right then that one of the eggs cracked, and a tiny Aragón came out. I said, whoops, and quickly crushed it under my hand. I said, sorry, I must have accidentally inseminated that one. The rest are fine to eat, though. Pearple Prose said, uh. Sure. Then he started working on the omelette, using my eggs. He said, you know, this better not, like. Awaken anything in you. I said ah, hahah. Nah. Nah, I’m sure that won’t happen.

Undome Tinwe

Undome Tinwe #2 · Aug 23rd, 2019 · 6 · ·

Aragon

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