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Quoth the raven: "CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW" (Patreon)


Rainbow Dash is the perfect girlfriend.

Sunset breaks up with her anyway.

Third place in Oroboro's "Endings" contest. Edited by MrNumbers.

Patreon. Ko-fi. Picture of me looking handsome.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 55 )

Woo new story.

Okay back to writing the Bronycon blogs now. Else Wanderer D and RBDash47 will straight up come to my house and beat me up themselves.

These are my Patrons with a 10$ tier or higher, and the little stories/shoutouts I write for them in every story. Thanks for the support, y’all.

  • I approached Octavia Harmony, and I showed him the red apple in my hand, and I said I have tasted the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, and I now understand right from wrong. Eat with me, and join me. Octavia Harmony said what. Octavia Harmony said why the fuck would you eat from the Tree of Knowledge. We have one rule. I said look. Octavia Harmony said oh my fucking God was it the snake again. You piece of shit. Were you tempted by the snake again. I said LOOK. He said DUDE IT IS A WILD ANIMAL, IT CAN’T FUCKING TALK. I said LOOK I JUST FIND IT VERY CONVINCING. God said hey guys what’s up. Octavia Harmony said ARAGÓN JUST INVENTED THE CONCEPT OF SIN AND CONDEMNED WOMEN TO SUFFER PAIN DURING CHILDBIRTH. God said WHAT. I said I MEAN WHEN YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT.
  • It all ended the way we both knew it would: me, kneeling; Wishcometrue, pointing a gun at my face. I looked up and said, so that’s it? Budapest, Hamburg, Baltimore—all the things we did, all the moments we shared, they all come down to nothing? Wishcometrue said some sins can’t be forgiven, Aragón. I said so be it. I’ll die as I lived. Wishcometrue cocked the gun and said, oh, you’ll die a bastard? I said mmmghm. Wishcometrue said what? I said mmghm-hhm. Wishcometrue said I don’t underst—OH MY F*CK. ARE YOU FELLATING MY GUN. I said MMMHGHM-MM. Wishcometrue said JESUS CHRIST. DUDE THIS KIND OF SHIT IS WHY WE CAN’T GO BACK TO BALTIMORE. WHAT’S YOUR F*CKING DAMAGE. I said HGGHM-MGGHH. Wishcometrue said OH GOD MY FINGERS. YOU’RE GOING TO SWALLOW MY FINGERS. OH F—
  • I slid down Undome Tinwe’s chimney at 4 a.m., wearing my red outfit and patting my big belly, knowing he’d be awake. I said ho ho ho! Merry Christmas! Undome Tinwe’s jumped and said holy shit who are you. I said ho ho ho! Who do you think I am? Undome Tinwe’s said look you f*cking weirdo, this is a government-sanctioned safehouse, I don’t give a shit who you are but— I said ho ho ho! Christmas does not care for governments! Undome Tinwe’s said you only bring presents to children! There are no kids in this house! I said ho ho ho! Are you sure? Undome Tinwe’s said oh my God. Jessica? Is Jessica finally—? Am I going to be a father? I said ho ho ho! Soon you’ll be, that is exactly why I am here! Take this! And I gave him a wrapped box. Undome Tinwe’s said wait so I’m not a father yet? I said ho ho ho! No! Undome Tinwe’s looked at the box and said there’s either a fetus or a shitton of viagra in here, isn’t it. Which one is it. I said ho ho ho! Wouldn’t you like to know!
  • Emlyn Costilow and I ran a bakery; Emlyn Costilow was the baker, and I ran the numbers. Life was peaceful, but one day I said hey, so like. I don’t want to accuse you or anything, but, uh. Emlyn Costilow said what? I said look. I need to know. Why are all of our cakes knife-shaped. Emlyn Costilow said they sell well. I said do they have to be made out of knives though. Emlyn Costilow said What are you on about? I said look, it’s just, that weird bird yesterday kept talking about how we’re fated to kill each other, and I’ve been paranoid ever since. Emlyn Costilow said You mean the White Crow of Providence? Look most mystic talking animals tell us murder’s In our future, at this point you should really learn to ignore them. Here, have this cake, it’ll cheer you up, it’s a new recipe. I said oh this is pretty good, what’s it called. Emlyn Costilow said it’s a cyanide and peanuts cake. I said oh, come the f*ck on. Emlyn Costilow said what? I said f*ck’s sake. I’m allergic to peanuts.
  • The year was 1597, and after a brief truce, Toyotomi Hideyoshi was getting ready for another invasion of the Korean peninsula. Over 140.000 samurai were summoned, and I saw my chance. I met with G.P. Prior, leading general of the forces under Hideyoshi’s direct command, with an offer and a suggestion, in his castle in Kyoto. I showed him my wares, the fruit of my years practicing my craftsmanship, and I said steel from Toledo, my lord. The best swords you’ll ever see. G.P. Prior spat at my feet, and said you dare mock me? I have seen better weapons in the hands of children. Those swords will have no place in my army. I laughed and said fancy a bet, my lord? My blade against yours. Let us see which is better. G.P. Prior rose and said wait holy shit. Are you the guy who condemned women to suffer pain during childbirth. I said OH COME ON. I INTRODUCE HUMANITY TO THE CONCEPT OF SIN ONE TIME—

Pushing right up against the word limit I see :trixieshiftright:

Interestingly, a fun story.

... Yeah I should get some sleep now.

I mean come on! Who hasn't invented Sin concepts to the world?!

This is... concerning. I know Sunset is a relatable character but this doesn't seem like something I should feel. Either way, I love your tone and your idea and its execution. Good luck in the contest! I enjoyed reading this story a bunch.

Okay, so I'm definitely not getting first or second place in this contest. Good to know.

A perfect blend of comedy and drama, with both sides helping to bolster the other and neither half dragging things down. And of course, your usual incredibly strong thematic storytelling and plot structuring.

Man, once again you prove yourself to be a wizard with words.
Been through a difficult breakup myself over the last two months. Debris is still falling, but I'm doing alright.
This whole thing was profoundly relevant, heartfelt and hilarious in your uniquely you style. It cheered me up where I was feeling down, gave me validation for my feelings and behaviours, and I have a few new things to think on as well.
What a wonderful story. Thank you for sharing it.

The neighborhood was called “the Docks”, even though it wasn’t even remotely near the water. Most windows in sight were either broken or about to be, every street was sixty percent dark corners, and you could always hear sirens in the distance—but the police cars never came.

Man, every part of this paragraph is just magic.

The complains never ceased

"complaints" instead of "complains"?

Picture of me looking handsome

Those some nice looking balls!

This story's a fuckin' ding-dongs, I love it.

That mix of heartfelt comraderie and surreal ultraviolence that I’ve come to associate with your work.

Too many people I know are being the Rainbow Dash in that relationship, and it’s really kind of heartbreaking.

The Wishcometrue shoutout, because we've already I established your stories are too long for me at the moment

That's not what "ate his gun" means you dork. Still hilarious though, as is everything else you write (I assume; 15k words is a lot when you don't know how to bookmark mid-chapter or if that's even a thing)

Fimfic bookmarks automatically; if you leave a story -- when you, say, close the tab -- it remembers where you left and it places a bookmark for you. It also leaves the story in your 'Reading' tab so you can access it again as soon as you open the page.

I love that it's completely clear that Applejack is responsible for all of this, by the end she knows it (unless she's far stupider than I give her credit for), and --even with all her winging about not wanting to lose her phone-- she absolutely refuses to tell anyone the truth. Not even refuses, really. To refuse to do something you have to consider it, and she doesn't. She treats telling the truth and taking responsibility as concepts so foreign as to be incomprehensible.

It's so perfectly in line with her canonical character.

Even more so because the reason she did it, the reason every one of her friends is in danger of painful death, is that she wanted to cheat her way into winning a bet with Rainbow Dash. It's just so . . . Applejack.

Okay, you seriously need to write an original book. Your way with words is just brilliant.

Now this was a fine bit of chaotic harmony.

Here’s the thing about being smart: it doesn’t mean that you’re clever. There’s something about understanding the world that makes you stop paying attention to it, and just because you’re good at learning doesn’t mean you’re good at knowing.

What do you eat that makes you capable of pulling this much wisdom out of your anus?

They’d had this conversation at least five times by now,

And Twilight had yet to revise her reassurance to "That's how people work."

“It’ll pass. You feel bad because you’re a good person, but—”
Sunset peeked from under the pillow. “Pony.”

Ah. Never mind. :twilightsheepish:

“Yeah! It’s like Rarity conquered this world but nobody noticed.”

That was also the case in Equestria, but she was keeping it quiet for another few years.

In all seriousness, these are fantastic scenes of bonding and dread.

“With Cadance?” Twilight’s pupils shrank. “The Crystal Prep principal? Do they even know each other?!”

Going by how they were looking at each other in Friendship Games, they definitely know each other in at least one sense of the word.

she kept hugging herself and leaning on Twilight

As much as I love seeing those two get together, it sends worrisome signals when Sunset uses Twilight as a literal crutch.

“But it’s summer! We don’t have classes anymore!” Pinkie said, lip trembling. “If we all get new phone numbers, how are we going to hang out? How are we going to talk to each other?!”

By... meeting in person? To put in the new numbers? I mean, yeah, coordinating that will be a bit tricky, but it's far from impossible. And heck, given how the message will still be stored in the chat servers, none of that might actually help. Or anything beyond deleting the group chat could be massive overkill. Definitely feeling like this bit's drama isn't all that logically consistent. (Of course, the magic's all emotion-based, so of course it wouldn't be.)

All told, a brilliant study of a damaged person still undergoing repairs and suffering as she tries to use the wrong methods of reconstruction. Thank you for it, and best of luck in the judging.

Heck of a story. Just the right mix of serious, heartfelt stuff, and absolutely bonkers silliness.

It sounded like a baseball bat hitting a pumpkin full of custard, like getting slapped in the ear with a wet towel.

Oddly, I know exactly what this sounds like.

I despise this story for being relatable. I’ve never seen anything I could relate to before and you go and do this? I hope you suffer in an eternity of wet socks, Aragon, for you have achieved the impossible and I curse you for the rest of your immortal life.

This has instantly become one of my favorite stories on this site.

The graffiti device was genius, especially how it was underlying to the main conflict and then comes back brilliantly. The little dialogue quirks were great, and the title drop immediately put a smile on my face. Everything was perfect, and it's the exact balance of funny and meaningful dramatic writing that I try to put in my stories and fail so miserably at. 15 thousand words and not one was out of place: Bravo.

Also, one more thing:

There were no meetings in the Docks, there were only ambushes.

This had me rolling.

This had a most random start, but it turned out real good. A fun read.

“Okay,” she whispered. Behind her, the top hat man laughed, and got out of his drawing, reaching for Fluttershy. “Here we go again.”

Ah shit, here we go again

I don't like stories about breakups, but this one was wonderful. Good luck on the contest! :twilightsmile:

Dammit I am so tired of slashfics between the EG girls...

. . . At least you didn’t set anything on fire this time! :trollestia:

This was weird and sweet and completely off the wall, with a touch of The Twilight Zone mixed in. Oh, and the extremely obscure and rarely used singular of graffiti is (cue fanfare) graffito.


It feels like something out of a detective novel. Like the narration of a detective protagonist as he/she strolls around a slum area.

Magic and technology don’t mix.

Technically, isn't the problem that they're mixing really, really well?

Ah, but Aragon isn’t the messenger. Heaven couldn’t handle Aragon’s pure awesomeness so they sent him to hell. Satan was worried that Aragon’s sheer charisma would cause demons to choose him as the new king so sent him to limbo. Limbo couldn’t deal with Aragon’s pure chaotic nature so sent him to earth. We haven’t the methods to be rid of him so he continues to write things that have sent the strongest people mad (with laughter) and caused the daintiest to faint on a nearby couch that miraculously appeared out of nowhere.
Aragon isn’t the messenger. He’s the Soul Reader. The Fate Writer. The Unadulterated Beast of Literature. He’s just a crazy Spaniard who does words good.

The hidden meaning of this fic is that your cell phone is the most important thing in your life.


This was actually beautiful. Full of great moments with a healthy amount of pure absurdity.

“Oh, no! What happened? Pinkie, are you okay? Did the monster with the gun not point it at your head?”
I love your psychotic take on the Equestria Girls cast. They are a blessing.

I gotta admit that it took me a while to understand this comment. I'm guessing you saw the initial joke/hook as Applejack being the one who puppeteered the whole thing or something?

Which, if that's the case, that's not what happens at all -- what happens is, Sunset tells Applejack that she's going to break up with Dash before doing it, and since AJ had made that bet, she's happy about it. (Also because, I mean, Sunset and Dash weren't good for each other, to be entirely honest; Rarity elaborates on that). AJ also had absolutely no idea what Dash was going through exactly; she knew something was fucky about Shy, but no clue it was that bad. Hence why Rainbow has to explain it to her later, in fact!

(Narratively speaking, this is the hook, and it establishes that something's amiss in the relationship, if AJ reacts to the breakup like that. Then, the first AJ/Dash scene implies that the reveal is "AJ made a bet with Dash she'd never get dumped", and then the double reveal of oh, hey, this relationship was actually really goddamn toxic, that's why Applejack got happy.)

So like, there's nothing for Applejack to 'confess' at the end, no 'truth' to share with the ohers or anything like that. No responsibility for her to take. Sunset made the choice of breaking up by herself. AJ did nothing wrong, she was just there for Dash when Dash needed to kick stuff and talk to someone.


. . . At least you didn’t set anything on fire this time!

Yeah I'm not kidding when I say I have a note going 'STOP USING FIRE AS A CATALYST' in my phone. There are certain things that I like in stories so I tend to overuse them; whenever I notice one, I make a conscious effort to stop using it.

(Fun as it is, to have shit on fire, I might add).

Yeah, that's how I interpreted it, not because of Applejack's joy --obviously-- but because Sunset's involved in the high-five at all and, of course, because it happened in the group chat. All of which is entirely unrelated to the fact that breaking up was the right thing to do (which you did do a very good job of portraying.)

If you want to know the reasoning that went into that, you can keep reading; if not, do ignore this. (Wouldn't want to waste any more of your time.)

I can totally see your rendition of Applejack trying to high five Sunset at that point, because the only reason to not to would be if she cared a fair bit about the emotions of her friends which, given how callous she is with Rainbow Dash (lump in her throat notwithstanding), she doesn't. It's much harder for me to believe that your rendition of Sunset would allow the high five to take place without being subject to some kind of emotional manipulation.

My read on her was that, without an outside influence, it's either a somber thing that needs to be done even though it brings her no joy, or it's the worst thing ever, which is emotionally destroying her. Either way, no high-fiving. Applejack could try, but the hands would never connect. The first would respond to an attempted high five with umbrage, the second would break down crying.

Then there's the fact that the entire premise depends on it playing out in the group chat. The high five takes place before Sunset breaks up with Rainbow, Sunset breaks up via text to get it done immediately, meaning that AJ was there for it. A different Applejack might have told her not to do it because of emotional concerns, this one not so much, but she's still definitely aware enough to know that this isn't the right way to do things. Sunset's emotionally compromised and not thinking straight, AJ doesn't have that excuse. The only real reason I could see for her to let Sunset do the right thing (break up with Rainbow Dash) the wrong way (via group chat) is . . . well, ok, there are other reasons.

When my university was gutted, they fired tenured teachers via text message because they wanted to deliver a nice little, "Fuck you," to the teachers in question.* A similar thing could plausibly be going on here, but your rendition of Applejack here struck me as someone who, while callous, isn't actively or maliciously cruel. That removes most of the reasons for standing by while Sunset breaks up with Rainbow over group chat.

The only strong reason that I could see remaining to explain AJ's actions was that it gave her a level of control.

If Sunset were talking to Rainbow Dash in person or over a regular phone call, then it could end up being a mutual break up in spite of how it started, but with Rainbow reduced to texting while AJ is close enough at hand to deliver high fives, AJ has enough influence over Sunset that she stands a good chance of making sure that what goes down counts as Rainbow being dumped. Sure, it would dick over all seven of them, herself included, even if Equestrian magic hadn't gotten involved (as pretty much every character noted before they realized it caused the current magical problem), but given the lengths to which canonical Applejack (pony or human) will go to win a bet (or any competition, really) with Rainbow Dash, she'd see it as a small price to pay.

So, yeah, that was the reasoning. Completely misinterpreted the hook. Also completely misinterpreted what to make out of what you had AJ spend her in-story time doing.**

* The state of Maine sort of had a Trump Administration preview in the form of Paul LePage. What was done to the university system started out as fairly standard ideological stuff, but by the time it reached the end it was much more about the politics of people with power hurting people they didn't like. Firing via text messages was a part of that.

**The first quarter and change of her wordcount is her breaking down Rainbow until Rainbow admits she lost the bet. While AJ does start thinking about other things after that, it's more than half way through her wordcount when she ultimately stops rubbing it in. (That coinciding with the topic changing to Fluttershy, which happens to be the first time she learns that there's more to the situation than what Sunset told her in the hook.)

Fantastic work yet again! I love how the serious and ridiculous are interwoven. Every scene with AJ and Dash is pretty much gold. And so many lines of dialogue that clearly have their own untold stories behind them.

I featured this on episode 278 of my podcast, Pony 411.

Author Interviewer

Why you didn't call this Emotional Underwear, I will never understand. Truly one of the greatest tragedies of the modern age.

It turns out that along with the Friendship of Magic, a rock is a perfectly fine tool to fix problems. Enjoyable story :)

This was a good story, succeeding in not just the comedy, but also presenting an interesting relationship problem and even a fun adventure. Everything just comes together really well.

Emotional Underwear would be a great alternate title.

There is just something fantastic about the.... I think it's the tone (?) of these stories. Like the tempo or the feeling or the something that just makes it feel very personable and natural. Like how all this serious "physical" stuff is happening in the story, but it's all in the background, it's just normalcy. Instead the normal problems are made extraordinary and weirdly familiar. It's like you've written a story where some climatic finale against Xythunian the Destroyer of Worlds is trying to kill everyone and all the explosions and magic would just be noise in the background whilst everyone is just having a chat about something poignant yet mundane. I don't know how to explain the feeling but whatever it is, these stories are the only ones I've found that make me feel it and I love them for it.

This is a very lovely comment! That's exactly what I was going for, so I'm really glad it worked that way for you.

The reason the story feels that way is not due to tone of pacing, it's a matter of structure -- long story short, the traditional A-plots and B-plots are swapped; the 'typical' way to tell this story would be by focusing on the actual threat from the graffiti, while the breakup is the subplot that the characters talk about in certain scenes. But that's not how it goes; in layman terms, notice how every scene is framed entirely around the breakup and how the characters feel or talk about it, and everything else is an extra added to pace out the main plot (which is the purpose of a B-plot from a structural level! It also gives the characters directions and motivations so the story moves forward).

This is also reflected in the way the characters treat the magical problem. To them, I feel, this is routine -- sorta like an office job? So they focus on it when they have to, and they're actively working on it, but they think about other things while they're at it, and from their point of view, the breakup is MUCH more important than anything a graffiti can do to them.

The purpose of all this mumbo jumbo is, as you said, to give the story a much closer, intimate feel. It becomes a character-driven drama with the frame of a high concept story ("GRAFFITI COME TO LIFE AND TRY TO KILL US!!!" could be the plot of a pulp story with ease), and the juxtaposition of seeing Applejack wrestle a lion and other outlandish shit against the fact that the narrative and the characters take it as a footnote within the much more relevant story of teenage drama, makes it so the story becomes... Well, yeah, intimate. Like what you just described. That was literally the entire reason why I wrote this the way I wrote it. So I'm really happy someone felt exactly that way while reading it! Made my morning.

Aragon's probably saving that for the sequel.
More emotional pain, more personal growth and even more awkward bonding.

And this time?

Shit's on fire, yo.

Was re-reading this again, cause was talking to my friends recently and the A-plot/B-plot thing you explained (super well btw) about came up and I remembered this story and blah blah regardless.
One thing I forgot to mention in my previous review was how I ADORED the nuanced differences you have between Princess Twilight and Human Twilight. Like your first introduction to the two together was

How fortunate, then, that the only ones in there were Twilight Sparkle and a second, less mature Twilight Sparkle. They walked side by side, and it was…

which is brilliant cause readers automatically assume that you meant Princess Twilight is the less mature one and she is but only on the grittier matters of life, but in actuality shes more mature cause of the princess roll and her age and those two juxtaposing (?) ideas clash and mix in a wonderful way. (Not to mention the bit about how Princess Twilight seems so much taller, even though the two are physically identical. Genius!)
Dammit I really wish I took English Literature as a degree or something so I can put all these awesome techniques you've used into words but holy shit is this a fantastic piece of work.
You should be so proud dude :D

Wait, I'm a bit confused. Does Fluttershy have a thing for Rainbow Dash or Sunset Shimmer? Cause that's the one deciding factor to me favoriting this.

She does not. That's the entire crux of Dash's problem: that she has, or had, a crush on Fluttershy, but Fluttershy doesn't see Dash that way at all. Shy doesn't like Sunset that way either; nothing in the fic indicates that Shy feels anything for anybody, to be entirely honest.

I'm actually a bit curious as to how you came to that conclusion -- are there confusing passages in the story? That feels like something that may need a minor editing pass if so.

Well, you said in your reply to chris the cynic that something was eating at Fluttershy concerning Sunset and Rainbow Dash's breakup, and I guess I read a little too in-between the lines of Fluttershy's conversations and ended up getting the wrong idea. My bad.:twilightblush:

Still, this story is so funny that I think I'll favorite it anyway.

Your way of writing humour is actually hilarious

And Princess Twilight gripped the rock, and tackled back.

Oh my gosh :rainbowlaugh:

“It’s not the only way.” Sunset was perfectly aware of her own situation. She realized she’d just tackled Princess Twilight, that she was laying on top of her, that everybody was staring. She wanted to die. She kept talking instead. “It’s the easy way out, but—you said that we have to destroy the canvas, the source.”

This could’ve gone a much darker route. It would not have fit the tone or message of the rest of the story, but this paragraph in isolation fits perfectly in a much darker version of the same story.

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