• Member Since 21st Mar, 2013
  • online

SilverStar7


I'm a go playing brony who reads and writes fan fiction works. That's about all you need to know.

E

This story is a sequel to The Smartphone


Rainbow Dash from Equestria has decided that she would like to have a smartphone. The Rainbow Dash from the human world has one. When Equestrian Rainbow Dash steals the human Rainbow Dash's phone, the two hold a competition to decide who keeps it. But, more importantly, the contest will determine which of them is better!

Sunset does not approve.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 31 )

cool story, but I think you need to switch this to incomplete

This cannot and will not end well.

When Equestrian Rainbow Dash steals the human Rainbow Dash's phone, the two hold a competition to decide who keeps it. But, more importantly, the contest will determine which of them is better!

I'm sorry, either this story is incomplete or I think I missed the part where this happens.

7873226
7873242
Yes, I made a oopsie. I went through, updated tags and stuff, and, somehow, missed that. Sorry. :twilightsheepish:

Starts off well - my one objection is the cover illustration (not that it necessarily indicates intent): as Twilight didn't come through wearing Sci Twi's school outfit, RainPony Dash shouldn't be wearing the same outfit as RainHuman Dash. She needs something maybe 20% cooler. :rainbowdetermined2:

Why is this so awesome?

The human world is about to get about 200% cooler.

Did Sunset got her phone back?

7873363 This story is a sequel. If you haven't read the previous story, I would recommend reading it before this one. If you have, here is the relevant line from the previous story:

"Okay! Fine! You win!" Twilight grabbed the smartphone out of Rainbow Dash's hoofs and threw it down at Sunset, who gratefully snatched it with her hoof.

7873306 I was debating about how best to respond to this so I didn't spoil too much. I'll say this, which is only half a spoiler because it just draws attention to something that is already known: if you look closely, she isn't actually wearing exactly the same outfit that Rainbow Dash does.

Oh dear, another of Rainbow Dash's "wonderful" ideas. :rainbowdetermined2: At least over there without pegasus magic she can't break too many things... probably. Can Canterlot High survive the egos of Double Dashes? Looking forward to finding out (wonder how quick Dash will get used to walking on two legs and how badly she'll take the loss of her wings).

My money is on Dash winning. I hope Pinkie starts up a betting pool in time (Sunset will probably be busy trying to keep things sane).

....I want the others to take a turn to use the magical mirror portal for something.

Nicely done.
Especially the ending.:rainbowlaugh:

So far this story is great. I just read the original, which was hilarious. And the first chapter was great. Although if I may offer some advice, I think you need to break down the paragraphs a bit more.

Writing should alternate paragraph length between long and short, so you don't have a bunch of really short paragraphs in a row (I mean, a character's dialogue needs its own paragraph but I think you know what I mean), and also so you don't have a whole bunch of really thick paragraphs in a row.

In your case there were A LOT of thick paragraphs in here. I mean, paragraph thickness varies depending on what site you posted it on, but they are still pretty thick here.

It's more apparent here than the first chapter, but having a lot of really thick paragraphs can tire out a reader. Other than that, I can't wait to see the rest of this. I think you're doing great for a first sequel.

7878802 Agreed. I was trying to stick to the rule of "each new paragraph starts off a new idea," but in this situation that doesn't quite work. I have split up several of the offending paragraphs. Hopefully it helps the readability.

After all, just because I'm describing the actions in textbook amounts of detail doesn't mean the paragraph structure should resemble that of a textbook. :twilightsheepish:

Why does Sunset have Spike?

"And why did she just trip on the stairs?"

This is what we like to call a "red flag".

7879448 Because he went with her to the school. They were together at the beginning of the previous chapter, where Spike was reading Twilight's apology to Sunset. This is the Spike from Equestria, not the one from the human world.

7880514

Ah, forgot about that.

7880956 No problem. I actually included that section, partially, as a reminder to the reader of what happened in the previous chapter. I'm sure you're not the only one who forgot.

When are you gonna do Chapter 3?

8161042 I mentioned elsewhere, but I'll mention it here as well, that I'm completely re-writing the second half of this story. My original notes, and the excerpts that I wrote from them, were going in a direction that was going to be sub-par at best. I wanted this story to come out in a timely fashion and to push myself to create something, even if it was bad, but I don't want to just release anything. I worked really hard on the writing of the chapters, polishing them with, what I hope, is good dialogue and examples of show-don't-tell. I had been doing the same with the later parts, but came to realize that they couldn't be polished because what was underneath was not worth it.

The final chapter is still written (just over 2,000 words) and will be mostly the same. But the third chapter was totally trashed - there was nothing to save. It made no sense in the scope of the story and, honestly, was more in service to myself, and what I wanted to see, than to the characters and to the story I wanted to write. Filling in this gap is proving to be a real challenge. Perhaps I simply need to accelerate the pace and move on to the actual competition scenes.

I know where the story has to end up, but getting there is proving to be a challenge. My next "weekend" from work comes on Tuesday and that "weekend" is one I've set aside specifically for writing here on FiMFiction. Leading up to that, I've been trying to hammer away in my spare time (which is why I was able to respond to this message so quickly) but if I can't work things out by Wednesday, I'll consolidate the scenes and finish editing. I can't keep delaying this forever - the point was to get myself back into writing.

I am sorry, to you and everyone who is waiting on this, that I haven't had that flash of inspiration I need to finish Chapter 3. The progress is not going well. If it's any consolation, I gave myself the freedom a few days ago to just write anything that came to me, and I created a ~3000 word EQG story, so I am still alive and making content. It just isn't the content I wish my mind would generate.

For someone as obsessed with organization as Twilight, you'd think she'd have signs on her doors. And then those signs would have a little sign on them that said "Room Sign." Dash smirked

reminds me of "iso 9000" and that Dilbert cartoon where a guy wearing a shirt that said "stupid label guy" put a "coffee maker" sign on the coffee maker.

Put one foot in front of the other, and soon you'll be walking out the Dooor!

Rainbow Dashes to the Nearest Restroom! We will never speak of this subject, unless it is a casual mention.

Rainbow Dash going to the human world. Well this should be entertaining.

8730459
This story is proving to be very challenging to write. I was hoping that spending some time on some other story projects would be helpful for breaking me out of my writing funk on this story, because I'm finding it difficult to work on this story in particular. The reasons could be due to some personal issues, and I can give you more details in a PM. The ending is basically done, and it's just a matter of getting there, so I will agree to give at least a few hours a week to this story in the hopes of getting past this part. No promises, but I'll do my best.

8734096
if you need help i can give a few ideas how to handle it

This is a fun idea.

I like the perspective of someone learning a whole new biology.

I really hope you do continue this story.

more please I want to see what happens this was either forgotten or the story is dead probably the first one

Login or register to comment