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Quoth the raven: "CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW" (Patreon)


Trixie and Starlight discover witchcraft is real, and do the obvious thing about it.

A commission for R5h, who deserves the world and is more patient than I deserve. Edited by MrNumbers.

Patreon. Ko-fi. Picture of me looking handsome.

Chapters (9)
Comments ( 158 )

These are my Patrons with a 10$ tier or higher, and the little stories/shoutouts I write for them in every story. Thanks for the support, y’all.

  • With Vinny the Viper dead, Undome Tinwe and I finally put an end to the New York City Mafia-Camorra War that ran from 1915 all the way to 1917. Exhausted, we sat on a bench by Brighton Beach, and Undome said, "Vinny dead, then? How’d you manage?" I said, "Oh I know how to hunt me a viper. I just waited for her to—" Undome said, "Wait. What do you mean ‘her’. Vinny was a guy." I said, "Uh-oh." Undome said, "Aragón. Where did you find this person." I said, "In the bathroom?" Undome said, "Which bathroom." I said, "The one in your house?" Undome said, "Oh my God. Oh my fucking God. Did you garrote my wife." I said, "Oh no." Undome said, "Did you fucking garrote my wife again." I said, "Oh my God. I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry." Undome said, "For FUCK’S sake. It’s the THIRD time in a row. Why the fuck do I STILL hang out with you."
  • Vienna, 2161. G.P. Prior and I had a collective bounty on our heads that reached the five thousands—arson, smuggling, and multiple cases of assaulting Government officials. G.P. Prior and I were hiding in his old pub, the Motherfucker Unlimited, a crack den without the respite of narcotic abuse. Two weeks into our spree that I came in, and said, "Prior, make that six thousand for a bounty." G.P. Prior nodded, and said, "Heist went well?" I said, "Tomorrow the President’ll wake up with a headache and no gold in his safe." G.P. Prior said, "Good work. Next we—" And Undome Tinwe burst in and said, "BITCH. HE JUST GARROTED YOUR HUSBAND." G.P. Prior said, "WHAT." Undome said, "AND MY WIFE. MY FUCKING WIFE." G.P. Prior said, "WHAT." I said, "Okay. In my defense. Pretty sure they were the same person. His wife was very ugly." Undome said, "BITCH."
  • Wishcometrue was, in their own words, too debonair and exquisite to believe in ghosts. So, in  1975, Halloween night, we went to the haunted Houston house. Wishcometrue saw the bloodstains on the walls and said, "Macabre as this is, I don’t believe in the supernatural, honey." I smiled, and said, "Did you know a kid was killed here, twelve years ago?" Wishcometrue said, "Tragedies happen. Ghost don’t." My grin shone with eerie light, and I said, "But you see. I was that—" And Undome Tinwe burst in and said, "BITCH. MY WIFE. AGAIN." I said, "Oh my fucking God dude can I have one fucking night for myself." Wishcometrue said, "Uh, what’s going on." G.P. Prior said, "Oh, you don’t know? It’s like a whole thing. Charmed to meet you, I’m G.P. Prior. Nice place you’ve got. Looks haunted tho." Wishcometrue said "I don’t know, I’m too exquisite and debonair to worry about that." G.P. Prior said, "Yeah I sorta see that."
  • Emlyn Costilow was the toughest prisoner in Korydallos Prison, Attica, Greece. A master of the switchblade and the spoken word, I was to pay them homage and respects, and they received me with a stern look and a firm handshake. Emlyn said, "I was sent here, far from my home country, for the crime of fighting for freedom." I said, "Been there, done that." Emlyn said, "I’ve killed tyrants, Aragón. I do not fear you. You cannot touch me." I said, "Maybe you should wonder who taught you how to use the switchblade, Eml—" And Undome Tinwe burst in and said, "BITCH." I said, "There we fucking go. There we fucking go again. Christ." Wishcometrue said, "Okay, to be fair, why do you keep killing his wives." I said, "I don’t fucking know, why does he keep getting married."
  • Octavia Harmony was the reasonable half of a body with two minds; the other had no name, but wanted to break my neck in half. We met in my house, the closest thing to neutral ground we had, and I said nothing because Undome Tinwe burst in immediately and said, "SEVEN WIVES. YOU’VE KILLED SEVEN WIVES BY NOW. FUCK’S SAKE." And I looked at Octavia Harmony and said, "See what I mean." Octavia Harmony said, "I am stardust. I am coagulated blood. I have transcended the one you call Octavia." Emlyn said, "Hey, Undome, want my switchblade or." Undome said, "Why do you keep offering me your switchblade, dude. What’s the deal with that." Emlyn said, "I don’t know, he keeps killing your wives and you never do anything, I genuinely do not understand your relationship." I said, "Octavia, you know what, let’s get out of here." Octavia Harmony said, "I thirst your pain." I said, "Look, sure, but at least you keep your fucking mouth shut about your wi—OH FUCK MY NECK."   
  • R5h was a Victorian’s dream, an evening of wine and roses made person. We spend two weeks courting each other, sneaking under the nose of my overbearing parents, until finally—the time came. I told R5h of my past, of the dark secrets that hid under my Manor’s crypt, and they were understanding, but could not contain their shock. I said, "I am sorry for fooling you. Do you think you can still love me?" R5h smiled, and said, "Don’t worry. I, too, have secrets." I said, "Pray tell?" R5h said, "Yes. Back in 1915 I was part of the New York Mafia-Camorra war. I terrorized Coney Island under the name Vinny the Viper." I said, "Holy shit. Are you joking." R5h said, "I would never joke about Coney Island." I said, "Okay. Okay. Look this is going to sound weird, but can I garrote you." R5h said "Sure, but be quick, I gotta get married to Undome Tinwe later today."

Over thirty-one thousand words in one go? Oof. :twilightoops:

Ah, this and its ilk will definitely do until I get off my rear and figure out how to read the last couple of Discworld books without having to pay for them... and afterwards, because Terry Pratchett is dead so there aren't going to be any more. Point is, it's the same kind of humor and it's a kind of humor I like rather a lot.

Also, yeah, if you ask someone whether they're thinking what you're thinking they never are, although if you're very clever you can figure out what they were thinking and then decide it's as good an idea as any. And if you're very very clever you can do this quickly enough to come up with an appropriate response to their "I think so, but slavery is super icky and also you aren't actually mortal" or whatever in time to make it look like you were on the same wavelength all along. (For the record, the response in that case is "that's okay, not all sources attest to that bit so we can just leave it out")

I've read 8,000 word stories that felt longer than this one. Like the difference between doing 80mph on the highway in a car, or on a motorcycle.

One of the best portrayls of crushes I've seen, ever. A great story about finding it hard to be a good person, but still wanting to try your hardest.

Yeah, definitely getting Discworld vibes here. Hopefully Starlight is clever enough to maneuver Trixie into a Granny Weatherwax position, although it sounds like we're heading more towards Nanny Ogg and that's also fine if a little less E-rated.

(For the record, "Discworld vibes" is one hell of a compliment from anyone who remotely knows what they're talking about)

The Great and Powerful Trixie is your legal name?

The best part of this title is that it's an homage to the eponymous Wizard of Oz, and therefore intended to mark her as a blowhard braggart with no skills other than trickery. The even better part is that that's actually a heck of a skill if you're smart enough about applying it like the Wizard was and Trixie isn't.

Character is what we are in the dark,

Character is what we are when there are no consequences.

This is actually saying the same thing twice; in the metaphorical dark, nobody ever finds out you did it so nobody punishes you for it. I'd link TvTropes explaining this but eh.

Sometimes we both forget I’m actually really good at my job.

More often, the writers forget to show it. But that's just the actual show, most writers here either make her actually good at friends or are intellectually honest enough to show that she isn't. Or, in cases like you, somehow both at the same time. You're a national treasure that I'm glad Spain was willing to share with the rest of us, you know that right?

Okay. That was several kinds of adorable so I knew it wouldn't last. You don't kick puppies. You have universes for that.

Not the Valentines Day story we need, but the one we deserve. Thank you Aragon!

That's nothing compared to that Applejack Cider story that was a singular 60k word chapter. I read the entire thing before the author eventually parsed it out.

Ponyville was completely flooded with rats.

Sounds like an Aragon story.

Goddamn you, Aragon; would it kill you to write something every once and a while that didn't require me clearing an entire afternoon to read?

My wife and I have had this date day planned for months, and now it's blown to hell.

I have many things to say, all of which have been said or will be said.


But if I were to say something more, even if it's bound to happen anyway, I'd say I really, really liked the characterization between the leads. All of our overpowered unicorns (and I include Trixie in that as well) are delightful, snarky, and quirky. And adorable. Can't forget that one. And also painfully relatable. Why must it be so?!

Thank you for this! Just to spite you, that is.


[Character is what we are in the dark/Character is what we are when there are no consequences.]

This is actually saying the same thing twice

I feel this is a fair point, but there's a slight difference.

To Twilight (and I guess to me, since I'm the author here), "in the dark" implies secrecy on top of it all; there are no consequences, yes, but also, nobody knows. Twilight's version takes that away -- she talks about the moment when there are no consequences even if people know what you did, when you can't be touched no matter what. That's when character shines for real, in Twilight's opinion; it's also more similar to Twilight's own (and Trixie's possible future) situation.

(In any case, this wasn't fully explored since, quite frankly, the scene was in danger of dragging, and I felt it was just a point that's not worth exploring too much in-story to be honest. Just felt like it'd be cool to clarify my train of thought there).

I'm looking forward to the rest of this story based solely on the final line. :rainbowlaugh:


Trixie gave Twilight one of those smiles. The ones that, in another universe, would’ve been a middle finger. “I’m saying, a castle isn’t really subtle.” Trixie waved a hoof at the entire roof. “So, you know, debris, hubris. Suits you.”

I love the implication that Trixie is mispronouncing one of these words so they rhyme.

Twilight shook her head. “It’s not time travel,” she said, never blinking. “Not in that sense of the word anyway. Because they don’t use magic, they don’t use spells . They just point, and say ‘dig’, and then you dig, and then there’s treasure. There’s always been treasure there, but only once they want you to dig.”

Oh, I get it! They're scammers, but they're scamming reality itself.

Its called a slant rhyme and its art.

Gosh darn astounding, once again a fantastic piece of character based writing :D Loved every moment of it and have no idea how you wrote this in a single sitting. You sure you aren't secretly a witch? ;P

Comment posted by 2Merr deleted Feb 16th, 2020


how you wrote this in a single sitting

Oh my God I love the praise but this took like, six months of writing or so. At one point I could only write one day a week, so the actual time it would've taken me is probably shorter? But this was also like. MASSIVELY edited. Like this was edited so hard. I rewrote entire scenes multiple times till everything clicked.

In a single sitting, this wasn't. I'm sexy but I'm not that sexy yet.


That was great fun!

And don't worry, Aragon. Whatever happens, we'll always have Coney Island.

Your story is amazing.

To repeat myself, Twilight was never this good in the show, but the surrounding narrative insisted that she was supposed to be. Good to see that you're trying out both directions of fixing this issue.

Ah, right in the gut

The "nothing personal, it's just that it's traditional to murder the **** out of you and I ain't gonna mess with tradition" sorts are a deep well of comedy... and horror, when you consider that Leatherface from Texas Chainsaw Massacre is basically that plus a literal mental handicap.

You’ve never seen a cat hunt, because they don’t want to be seen

Yeah, those people who think that a ninja dressing in neon orange is fundamentally absurd? Those people have obviously never seen a tiger. Can't blame them really, those things are stupid sneaky.

Oh thank god, I was genuinely afraid of your eldritch skills there
Six months of juicy work then ;D Editing on point too, nary a spelling or grammatical error!
(and no matter what dude, you are incredibly sexy huehuehue)

Yeah, this is a Twilight who studied headology. (For the last time, a story about witches in this style demands as many Discworld references as I can shoehorn in)

An interesting story, thank you. And I say that as someone who dislikes Starlight/Trixie as a ship, but this was still an entertaining tale for me.

On a minor note:

“Oh. I mean, I don’t know. I guess I’ll just get the room to grow back?” Trixie frowned. “I’m kinda busy healing all the bones in my body first, Starlight. The castle really isn’t my top priority, much as I love the library.”

This should have Twilight as the speaker instead of Trixie.

I am amazed at how hilariously differently we interpret this pair, but you made it work. Kudos.

Because she knew friendship comes in many forms, and platonic hatred can be one of them.



Love Spite is a beautiful and powerful force, and you've done great work in portraying it so well

Ponyville was completely flooded with rats.

Rats, you say?

Okay, this is going to be a good one. :trixieshiftright:

Color me impressed that they figured out the miscommunication this early, and it didn't just linger until the end. Now the story takes a new twist, it seems.

The level of deconstruction in here is brilliant.

Some writers feel the need to fix Trixie, to give her a tragic backstory and a redemption arc and shit. I love that you don't, you just make her 200% fucking Trixie. And you really get into everything that makes Trixie Trixie, without making her any less Trixie.

Do you have a thing for garroteing wives?

I'm so down for this.

Your way with words reminds me of Pratchett. I'm so enjoying reading this, thank you.

This was very comfy, but with a very strong thematic core and character dynamics. I really enjoyed it, and I really love the interactions between Starlight, Trixie, and Twilight.

“Ah! Darn tootin’, this head of mine. Yes!” Goldie nodded, and opened her saddlebag and rummaged through it till she took out Tales of the Macabre , the authentic edition. “‘Ere you go. Treat it right, it’s a rare one!”

Ironically, there's a typo there.

The mud explosion was literal Discord-tier chaos.
So much heart and so much surreal humour.

The funny thing is, Twilight's been using witchcraft this whole time and we didn't notice.
In all seriousness, whether you get published or decide to self-publish original fiction, I will pay for your work. International shipping as well if I have to.
Until then, horse words will suffice.

Even though this is almost totally harmless, I see why witchcraft is considered so mind-numbingly powerful. For the same reasons someone would hate or be terrified of ‘God’ or ‘Destiny.’

Magnificent, from start to finish. Granny Weatherwax would approve methinks.

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