• Member Since 26th Oct, 2012
  • offline last seen 10 minutes ago

re- Yamsmos

Alaskan Anglophile whose life is nothing but Best Girl Hanako Ikezawa, World War History, the British Empire, and the internet. Riddled with issues, but I'd be happy as hell if you stayed for tea.

Justin Vernon is my hero





^ This right here might is actually my favorite song of all time.

^ This right here might actually be the sweetest fucking song I've ever listened to.

^ This right here might be the most heartbreaking fucking thing I've ever heard in my life. HE FUCKING GETS UP AND LEAVES HALFWAY THROUGH IT BECAUSE HE'S CRYING AND SHIT.

^ This is the most I've ever wanted to actually full on bawl because of a song. Jesus fucking Christ this glorious man and his painfully aggressive baritone.


My wife, a 1942, Soviet M91/30 I've named Yuri. Say hi!

Wish List
1.) M1903 Springfield, circa 40's (my newest waifu is fucking up my taste in firearms ;_;)
2.) Gewehr 98 (or) Kar98k, preferably of German make, would settle for Turkish
3.) Lee-Enfield No. 4, circa 40's
4.) M1 Garand, probably from CMP, rack grade or whatever's cheapest
5.) Type 38 Arisaka, just to look at because ammo is fucking expensive
6.) World War 1-era German Stahlhelm
7.) World War 2-era German Stahlhelm (maybe SS)
8.) World War 2-era American M1 helmet with netting
9.) World War 2-era German crusher cap with cavalry piping, maybe Erwin Rommel specs
10.) World War 1-era French Adrian helmet, steel-colour

I Currently Own
1.) British Brodie Helmet, repro, real WWII shell
2.) South African Defense Force M83 Battle Jacket, authentic, very expensive
3.) 1960's Soviet Tanker Helmet, authentic, from some lady in Ukraine
4.) 1942 Soviet-made M91/30 bolt-action rifle, Izhevsk factory, with bayonet
5.) ~700 rounds of 7.62x54R ammunition for said rifle
6.) WWII German gask mask, with gas mask canister and Spanish filter
7.) 1993 U.S. canteen, with WWII U.S. canteen cover
8.) U.S. Civil War Union kepi, repro, but very nice quality

Yes, that's me.

Huge Fan Of These People (CLICK THEM)

Rest In Peace, Breezy. Hope you find greener pastures elsewhere.

I Spend Seven Hours Drawing Sometimes, Too (It's Mostly Just Best Horse Octavia Though)

Why yes, I do dabble in weebshit.

I started writing NoteTavia out of a dumb reason but now I actually kind of like what I've done with it. There's no getting off this boat. ;_;

Graciously provided by BleedingEquine!

Hanako is my life and I have not an ounce of regret.

Can you imagine what it would be like? To be happy? I have found perfection in every imaginable form, but she can never find me.


To be completely honest, I feel a bit good about myself that Best Girl isn't some big tiddy dick magnet, but a shy burn victim who loves quietly reading books. Go me?

Why yes, I did donate twenty-five fifty bucks to a site full of nothing but Hanako fanart. It's my money, dammit. >:C

Hey look, I got featured. C:

>ywn hang out with Hanako Ikezawa

Why live?

Springfield is my raifu.

"And my heart it always breaks..."

"...and I keep filling up with just this one thing to say."

This GIF genuinely saves me.

So does this one.

You bet your fucking asshole I pasted this together.

Have a cozy Doki! Keep your Dokis warm this winter.

Jesus Christ how many of you DON'T have depression?!

Of Monsters And Men is such a great fucking band.

Spoilers for Doki Doki Literature Club, by the way. Go play it first. It's literally free.

Genuinely have no fucking clue why I like this song so much.

Hip-hop isn't really my thing, but you can't get pissy for only knowing this song! I like Whales, too! THIS FUCKING BEAT.

A fucking goldie.

An absolute beauty. Thanks to Phoenix of Aurelius for showing it to me!

Get colonized, bitch.


How Do You Write Octavia's Accent So Well?

Just Watch This Shit Everyday

To whom it may concern.

Welcome to Conserve-Sums, the best place in town to find everything you could possibly need! Try out our local, market-fresh produce, and check out our hand-picked dairy products delivered daily for your satisfaction! Also, be sure to grab a nice meal at our deli, where some of the best butchers around will take good care of you and your order. Our friendly, kind, and determined staff will do their best to ensure that you have the best time at our store, because there's nothing more important than People and Profit!

-------> About the "re-" part. <-------

"It’s 'regarding'. People use it in letters and emails. It’s about pointing towards an idea, to amplify that this song is about the stacks. I mean, every song title does that in a way, but I just really wanted to point it out: this song isn’t the stacks, it’s about the stacks."

God, if the me from a year ago knew how much of a weeb I'd become in the coming months, I'm sure I'd be shaking my head wildly and ruing the day I found out.

why is this thing FUCKMNIGN BORKEN

I Write Stories About Broken Ponies

Sorry You Had To See All That On Your Way To My Comments!

Please Leave All Complaints And Insults Below.

Comments ( 504 )
  • Viewing 495 - 504 of 504

I’m doing okay, just got some house cleaning to do so I can go visit my grandpa. I hope you get your stuff done and some more sleep though. UwU

Pretty all right. Have a whole list of things I need to but I haven't had a good long sleep in awhile. But it's already 10:30 here and I might as well get started.

How are you?

Good afternoon bby UwU how are you and the baby today?

Such a beautiful baby UwU we will take care of her

Yes. We stole her from a popular tumblr blog. She's ours now.

Her name is Hazel.

I’m used to sleeping on couches, practically made my dads couch my bed in his office. AND WE HAVE A DOG?

I don't know who's sleeping on the couch tonight, but it's not me and it's not our dog.

I’m so sorry ;-; I didn’t know you responded I was playing Skyrim till like 3 in the morning. Please forgive me honey UnU

  • Viewing 495 - 504 of 504
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Brilliant Words

"A great love is a lot like a good memory. When it's there, and you know it's there, but it's just out of your reach, it can be all you think about. Sure, you can... focus on it, and try to force it, but the more you do... the more you seem to push it away. But. If you're patient, and you just hold still, well, maybe... just maybe, it'll come to you. You just gotta hope you're in the right place for them to find you." -Leonard Church, voiced by Burnie Burns (paraphrased)

"We can't escape the past, so you and her will always last." -Pip, a wonderful friend of mine

"Just because someone can handle the pain does not mean they deserve it." -Pip

"'I've learned this much about marriage,' he said now, 'you get tested. You find out who you are, who the other person is, and how you accommodate or don't.'" -Morrie Schwartz, Tuesdays With Morrie

"If you can't be a good example, be a horrible warning." -Marba, a really good horse

"Sometimes you gotta just keep plugging away until something sticks."

"You can be alone without being lonely." -Marba

"It's always darkest before the dawn." -Hank Schrader

"Don't take pity on the shitty."

"And at once I knew, I was not magnificent." -Justin Vernon, Holocene

"Music is like air to me, and I just want to help you breathe." -Oliver Tank, Help You Breathe

"Don't let the world convince you your dreams are a fantasy, there's always time." -Oliver Tank

"The second someone favorites your fanfiction, you have a responsibility to finish it. Someone showed faith in your story, show that you are worthy of it." -Dragonalias, a guy I don't even know

"We are all just dumb all the time, that doesn't mean our words are." - Sunshine What might've been lost don't bother me.

"Who I have is what I carry home." -Justin Vernon, 89

"The last enemy is always you."

"We need darkness to appreciate light and all that. Loneliness to appreciate friendship and love; sadness to appreciate alcohol." -Marba

"'Stop quoting me' -Marba. That's all I ask for. Also, stop fucking quoting me." -Marba

"I'm the little star in SoCal that never goes out." -Marba, regarding the Visitor's Map (which was super nice holy shit)

"I really love you as a human being." -Whom I shall gladly call, "Ms. re: Stacks"

Good Winter Wall

Best Bon Iver song. Short and brutal.

I think, down here, I'll make a bit of a journal. No one will see this, but at least I'll be typing it out and not just keeping it in. Will wipe and change dates as they come.

12/19/2017 10:49 PM
Feeling eh tonight. I dunno. Weird. Am I bipolar?

1/3/2018 9:00 PM
2018 is a year of renewal. It won't be a confrontation, nor will it be a search for forgiveness. Neither out of anger nor borne from pity. These aren't loose ends. This is closure for a warring conflict, and the hopeful beginnings to a return to good health.

1/11/2018 8:16 PM
It's quaint how quickly one can go from hyped-up "fuck yeahs" to avoiding your friends, seeking quiet places, and not feeling too well in any sense of the word. I dunno. What the fuck is wrong with me?

2/4/2018 10:23 PM
In all of my eighteen years, never would I have thought I'd resort to self-harm. Christ, fuck.

2/12/2018 7:10 PM
It's like a hunger.

2/18/2018 7:53 PM
Tired. My shoulders ache. I'm so fucking tired. I don't know what it is about tonight, but I'm not feeling well whatsoever. Fuck, man.

2/19/2018 11:30 AM
As if on autopilot, I just cut ties with a close friend of mine.

2/19/2018 9:04 PM
Feeling just a tad nervous now. Feels like things are coming to some kind of close. The hell is going on?

2/20/2018 6:41 PM
Had an internal attack of some sort about fanfiction. God that's fucking pathetic.

2/24/2018 9:11 PM
It's always important to have a good cry. Even if it's a super fucking ugly one.

2/24/2018 9:12 PM
In other news, I've officially started work on a project that is certainly gonna take me more than a year to complete, especially by myself. The script may only be like a hundred words so far, but a start is a start.

3/8/2018 8:31 PM
Woke up from a nap a little bit ago. Had two freakouts today, because I don't like calling them panic attacks, in school today. How's that for a great day? Not fun. Earlier this week I did it again in the bathroom like some fucking girl, trying not to make a noise. Bigger than I would've liked, honestly. I didn't want it to be this big. My seat in my English class is situated next to a window overlooking the front of the school, and I get to stare at the two flags next to the track and field and imagine the Alaskan flag at half-mast. Genuinely started crying on Monday having a snowball of thoughts. Think the only other guy at my table noticed but didn't say anything. Was pretty awful.

3/13/2018 3:03 AM
It's weird to think about. I have dark brown rings on my arm from rubber bands, and a few cuts in between them. Five band marks, three cuts. It'd be a nice little pattern if not for the implication behind them. Haven't been feeling an urge to add to the list this week yet, and it's genuinely tearing me apart that I haven't done it yet. It's like a part of me is upset I haven't cut again, or found a reason to be sad. Like being happy is a mistake. Fuck, man. I want breakfast.

3/13/2018 3:14 AM
Just another add-on I guess. I feel the urge to do something, but I just can't figure out what. I'm very pathetic, on another, unrelated bit of a rumination. I genuinely can't listen to certain words without jumping, or hyperventilating, or wanting to run as fast as I can anywhere but where I am. Is this gonna stay with me for the rest of my life? I remember I made fun of a girl back in Sophomore year for having a panic attack during Orchestra that lasted the whole period where she straight up left the classroom seemingly over nothing. I think that's what fucks me up. I get genuinely infuriated with people's lack of understanding or empathy or what-have-you regarding depression, or other things related to it, but there I was, one of those dumbasses, not even two years ago. I've separated myself off from my other friends (one of whom still sends me messages every week with a heart or something to that effect), but it's not all bad. There's one I'll call Chris, because that's his name and I honestly think he's a good example to laugh at and poke fun of. Last year, actually, I brought up depression to him, and he just could not understand it whatsoever. I told him one morning that I was feeling pretty awful, and was thinking my depression was acting up. His response? "Yeah, it's not like you have a family, clothes, a house..." etc etc. I gave him the hardest look I've ever given somebody in my life. He didn't fucking understand it whatsoever. He thought that you just couldn't have depression, living a normal life in a normal country. And he joked at people about it. SAD, or seasonal affective disorder, is a pretty big deal up here, caused by lack of sunlight mainly during winter, which decreases your Vitamin D levels and causes you a slack very reminiscent of a depressive episode. I was talking about it with him, and he literally said, "That's not real." And then I was talking about it with another, much nicer friend later on, and he—bewildered—asked, "Wait is that how that works?" Another thing. He's one of those people. You know the kind. "People only commit suicide for attention." HAHAHAHA. Guess what fucking happened that year? A girl fairly close to him, as in mutual friend of a mutual friend, killed herself because of depression and anxiety. That shut him the fuck up, and now he doesn't talk about it. I genuinely hope he goes and fucks himself. There are a lot of other things, but he deserves a title of Scumbag Walking The Earth. Just your average rich kid getting internships and belittling people for not knowing how to code, and >implying that fiber networks are more world-changing than fighter plane synchronization gear, which, you know, won wars. That last one is more a nagging, spergy little thing, I'll admit. Still though. Fuck him. I may miss my other friends, but I'm fairly glad to kick him out of my life. Then again, who'd wanna stay in it to begin with? I'd say it's a good thing to be leaving everyone behind. They don't need some stupid, shitty, over-reactive, overly-sensitive child around them, one they'd have to watch their mouths around and check their jokes for, lest they "cause a panic attack and a possible stressed arm evisceration". And yes, you two reading this, you as well. Especially you, Marba. You could have done very well off just leaving this be. And yet you've come back to have to constantly worry and worry and twiddle your thumbs hoping that your internet interactions and check-ups would be enough to keep me from dumb stuff. I hate to be a cunt, dude, but that was really fucking stupid of you. Go enjoy your life, okay? No need wasting it around me.

3/16/2018 12:56 AM
So I went to the recruiter's earlier. That would be yesterday now, I guess. First off, I went to the wrong place in town—I mistook a center I'd seen a few months before as Air Force when it was actually Army—and then I felt my heart about to bust through my chest as I walked up to the right door further down the way in town. Had to press a buzzer, and I walked in to find a pretty nice place. The guys there had obviously been playing mini golf before I came in and one of them immediately began asking me questions. I thought I'd been doing so good this week leading up to it, not feeling too sad and feeling brave enough to venture outside, but I started stuttering out my answers and looking like a fool and holy shit my temple is burning just thinking about it, and when I got out—after getting my area recruiter's card, as he wasn't in at the time—I immediately started mumbling to myself how stupid I'd just looked and how much of an idiot I was, and by the time I got into my truck I had to clench my wheel to not reach into my pocket for my razor. Like fuck dude, driving home breathing heavy, head cold, breath fogging up my windshield. Not fun. Got home and wrote an entire almost 7,000 word chapter of Stroll to distract myself, though, so I was able to skirt the consequences I was very ready for. Goddamn. Am I even suitable for anything anymore?

3/17/2018 1:17 AM
It's early mornings, late nights like these that keep me up wondering what good thing I could be doing for the world. As spaghetti as it is to say, you know, maybe I could release another chapter for people to read? Maybe another story to hit the top of the charts? Maybe go comment on something and make a bunch of friends? Was just thinking about hopping into my truck earlier and driving to the outskirts of town. Nice little place overlooking Eagle River that looks lovely at night. Went there with a friend the other year and it was fucking magical. I can't say I don't miss my friends. Because I really, really do. Yelling at each other while playing the buggy ass PUBG on Xbox late at night. Clutching wins and chicken dinners. Rolling around in GTA together punishing griefers for being dickasses. I wonder what they're doing right now. Every time they pick up a Kar98k in PUBG, I just know they sigh and miss me too. But it's important for me to leave them, honestly. They don't need me in their lives, ruining it and taking up too much of their time when they all deserve to go have success and acclaim in their own time. I exist merely as a worrying device that should be avoided at all costs. Sure, I'll be happy here and there, but sticking around for the bad times is the worst thing you could possibly do. And this bad time has gone on for the better part of almost three months, growing to more worrying levels and giving me thoughts I never thought I'd ever think about, and dare I admit act upon. It's been truly awful as fuck. Every compliment my way is one of pity, and disingenuine. Just made to be nice; to let me know that, hey, we acknowledge your existence. Pretty certain my English class hates me from a few dumb things I've said, and think I'm a fucking weirdo because I did a presentation on depression for my Social Issues project there. My Keyboarding class probably thinks I'm fucking crazy since I had a panic attack that attracted the entire class', which is about eight people, attention. I'm not ready to see them. Especially the teacher. She must think I'm fucking insane. Christ man, this is ruining me. I'm just some stupid little asshole who makes people care about him, then pushes them all away when they'd get the most hurt. It's fucking bestial. I hate me. Sincerely. My arm's healed up since yesterday morning, but I haven't been stressing out over school either. We'll see what happens, I guess. I was thinking at work today about a girl. I'll call her Stacks, in reference to the song that inspired my prefix of re-. I really miss her. So, so fucking much. She's probably the most important person in my life right now, and yet I haven't talked to her since giving her a gift for Valentine's Day last month. It was pretzel sticks and cream cheese, by the way. She's a weird, cute Tennessee girl. She loved the fuck out of them. Made me happy to hear, because it's a good parting gift. I tried my hardest not to fall for her after falling for the last girl, but by my own stupidity I did, and even typing it now kind of stings a bit. It's not her fault. She couldn't have known. But she could've saved me. Having her as somebody so close, you know, like a loved one, would've flipped me completely upside-down. I'd be much happier with my life, knowing I'd finally gotten together with someone who made me happy, and someone I made happy in turn. A shared kind of feeling, really. But I gave her a note telling her I liked her, and I ruined it all forever. Once again, my own astronomical lack of intelligence. I hate me. I ruined her life so much, being that friend who likes her, and, with her being such a ray of fucking sunshine and certainly the nicest person I've ever met so far, somebody she'd have to deal with to not hurt the hell out of me. She's a good person, a good Goddamn person. I really hope she gets every single good thing that could happen to her on this Earth, because she deserves it all and more. I wish her the best. It's funny. I could've been with some cute southern girl from around Nashville who loved guns and wanted to join the Peace Corps, and yet here I am, cutting myself, stressing out, having episodes in class, and typing away at an overdramatic journal on a site for My Little Pony fanfiction. I can imagine the dates. Going to the movies. Eating at nice restaurants here and there. Going out for lunch. Hanging out in her science teacher's room, shooting the shit with our collective friends who'd be happy to see more than just one of us completely at ease with life. I really fucking miss her. Backspacing pretty hard right now. Fuck I made myself cry, haha. If I knew my parents wouldn't care, I'd go sign up to be a grunt in the Marines so I could at least die shooting dumb motherfuckers trying to hurt my friends and die a greentext hero on 4chan you'd see in screencaps here and there. It's weird. I regularly talk to my Dairy department coworkers, and customers sometimes, but yet I feel like I haven't had an actual conversation in months. I was able to crawl out of the shittiness in time for a big event in school, and the first time I talked to my old friends, I felt so fucking weird talking at length again. I wasn't used to loud noises, like, to an actual fault. My own voice sounded so alien to me, formulating words and carrying out a dialogue. It's weird to realize that this whole shutting myself in and distancing myself from others has greatly affected my behavior. I jump at loud, sudden noises much more than you'd usually, always want to try and escape a conversation with someone, make sure I know where a door is in case I need to run, and generally try to pretend I'm somewhere else when I'm someplace where people could see me. I miss her. I really do. I can't call her the one that got away, but I can safely say I missed out. Panic attacks, self-harm, and thoughts of suicide, with a few attempts in between. This is my life for now.

3/18/3018 3:01 AM
oh god lord jesus fuck why can't I just be happy?

3/18/2018 5:34 PM
Had an awful day at work. I genuinely don't wanna live anymore.

3/21/2018 1:03 AM
I had another urge today at school. Ran into the same bathroom, pulled out the razor, and tried. And I kicked it. My arm is untouched today. Rewarded myself with food and sleep.

3/26/2017 12:43 AM
Home alone for the next week. It gives me a lot of time to think without worry of being overheard or disturbed. I've been looking at what it takes to get a motorcycle license, and what kind of motorcycles can go long for cheap. It's crazy to realize that I'm thinking about booking it. But I guess it's good I'm thinking about this now. I don't have a lot of time left to actually go through with it. But it's appealing, in a way, you know? Pack up some bags and cases, put on my helmet, and head East. I remember catching the front page of Reddit's post a year or two back about a pair of friends who rode their suped-up motorcycles from San Francisco all the way up to Deadhorse, Alaska, and back down. Not to say I'd like to emulate the trip and hail them as some kinds of martyrs, but it's definitely an inspiration. I need to do something. I feel so useless just going to school, going home, sleeping, then rinsing and repeating while occasionally writing fics or playing games between it. I just want to disappear. Nobody needs to know I ever existed.

3/30/2018 8:18 PM
I fell in love with a girl
who hailed from Tennessee
I didn't know how to love her
so I let her be.

4/6/2018 9:01 PM
I had a pretty bad one today. We had a piano recital as part of an art caberet at my school. Duets and all that. Breathing heavy, head cold as hell, hands numb. Could barely play, but we did okay. Rushed back into the piano class' room and hid myself in one of the rooms. Barely reached into my jacket pocket for it before my duet partner (a good friend of mine) came in and stopped me. I started bawling in front of him like a fucking child. He asked me what I usually cut myself with. I pulled out the blade from the razor. I looked away awhile. I looked back as he said, "Not for me." He'd cut himself in front of me and I started up again. i don k ow why he did that i dont knwo why he did that and he had the audactiy to say "justr emember that next time you cut, i care about you" who the fuck fuck you god fuck christ

4/17/2018 7:38 PM
I'm not fit for anything. I should just fucking kill myself and save everyone the trouble.

4/24/2018 6:45 PM
Very, very, very close.

4/29/2018 9:10 PM
Well, I did it. Talking to people is such an awful idea. Arm's newly hurting again, but it's a well-deserved punishment. Take care of yourself, everyone else. Get out while you can.

6/1/2018 11:57 PM
Geez. Been awhile. Things have been okay. Little moments here and there that were pretty awful, but I'm kind of at a stand-still point in life at the moment! The idle waiting for a big breakdown is a constant, but I'm filling time with writing, drawing, watching videos or shows, and work every week. I think I can safely discuss my project; I recently gave it a secret title and everything: Project Tired Sloth. It fits, because it is gonna be a LONG while until it gets under way, and even then, it's gonna take a long ass time to see completion. I don't have a lot of work to do before revealing it, but actually getting into DOING those little bits of work is hard as hell. This is like the fourth rough draft of a character sprite for the character I'll be using for the engine test. Drawing is fucking hard, dude. A straight-on look at them is easy, what with symmetry and all, but at an angle and all that? Ugh. Not easy. Screwing around with hair designs as well. Not fully satisfied, but too attached to the current look. Kinda cool to think about. I threw myself into a forced solitude and isolation from my friends for almost six months now, but, in the meantime, I've gotten a lot done, and, in the near future, I can proudly claim that I'm a video game developer. Yamsmos. Well, I'll probably make up another name so I don't tarnish this one further. Alaskan Anglophile is the working studio name. Composed of, well, just me. Writing, script, coding, everything. Testing, though, I might ask someone to do as a favour at some point. Someone who's thorough, at least. Hmm. Project Tired Sloth. Also, don't think I haven't been curious. I went to your pages. Marba, are you making fun of me?