• Member Since 29th May, 2012
  • offline last seen January 27th

Appleloosan Psychiatrist

dude i'm so good at nfts they used to call me "the blockchain ballerina"

Comments ( 38 )

I don't know if I want to read this....

Edit: I just noticed it was canceled.

Skimmed it.....Oh god this is sad....Y U do this AP? WHY?!

Yup. Depression sucks really hard. It's worst when you realize that you have nothing to be depressed about, that you have it so much better than so many, that you have every reason to smile and laugh... but you still feel worthless and meaningless. Then it aches so bad you just want it to go away.

Something tells me that the "Cancelled" might be some kind of meta thing. Maybe Twilight did get better... in the only way she thought she could...

Great job as usual, AP. :twilightsmile:

I think I understand a little bit better now. I guess I don't have much to say other than it's incomprehensibly profound how you've made me feel. These are some good horse words.

I would say so, but there's another thing to it. it sort of made me remember about the person behind each of the stories we write, and the feelings I feel whenever I start something and can't bring myself to finish. I took it all as a metaphor that I can actually understand; not a subtle one, but one that evokes a feeling that you wouldn't really just be able to explain using words instead.

I wish I was capable of a more serious way to put this, but let's be honest, that was some good stuff. I have a soft spot for a good stream-of-consciousness and the meta-joke of the cancelled nature of the fic and the sudden conclusion is brilliant. :duck:

Very good. I don't particularly like this style of writing, but you've done it really well, and it's mighty effective.

One thing: The description says "Heavily inspired by," then nothing. Was something meant to go there?

Couldn't finish it.

You just made a fic that I couldn't finish due to how close to home it hits.

I gotta go now. And do something, anything else. Just... Take my like and fave.

~Skeeter The Lurker

Ehh... I don't get it? Is she just sick for no reason? Is it like the stresses of life are getting to her? Like... Does she hate that people care about her? I'm wholely lost.
Like reading this I got a pain in my stomach that just wouldn't go away and when I was done it stayed there for a bit and I thought what could make my stomach hurt from a story and I just don't get it. It just hurts for some reason, maybe boss man knows? Ehh...
Just like take my favorite and like... I wonder if you have other stuff that makes your stomach hurt?

Comment posted by CWi deleted Apr 6th, 2022

I've never been depressed.

I've never understood depression.

I read this, and I still don't.

But damn, it sure as hell gave me a good insight. This was a really good read!

Bravo! :twilightsmile:


I have never read something that I identified with this much. It was almost painful to get through it.

This is very well done.

This is very honest, personal, and powerful, writing. I can't imagine it was enjoyable to create — but you're reaching others, touching them, giving them moments of sympathy or connection or insight, and I'm glad (as they are) you found the time and courage to share. Thank you.

Everything else I could say would be empty noise, so simply: thank you.

Very good. However, was it supposed to just cut off at the end like that? :rainbowhuh:

Damn. Just...perfect. Hauntingly perfect.

I think I've figured it out and it reminds me of the plot of the movie "Stranger Than Fiction".

The author gets to play god in a sense. In this case the author chose to control Twilight's life with one imposed parameter: "Twilight is Sick".

Twilight was depressed because the author of this decided that she was. It was the author who introducing depressing thoughts into her head. In the end when twilight figures this out, she snaps out of her depression and therefore there's no more story about "Twilight is Sick". It ends abruptly because the one parameter that the story was based on was overturned abruptly.

This resolution to the situation is much like in the movie "Stranger Than Fiction" because the guy that was going to be written to die ends up stopping his story from being written that way.

Let me know if my conclusions are off-base.

My heart sank reading this, and the writing is just brilliant. You've done brilliant work, AP, thank you.

Comment posted by Appleloosan Psychiatrist deleted Dec 9th, 2015
Comment posted by Wade deleted Dec 9th, 2015

On a critical level, this story was difficult to read. There were lots of run-on sentences, misused words/ phrases, and several times where things just didn't make sense. This could all be easily fixed through getting an editor and some proof readers... That said, there is an amazing story waiting just underneath and for those of us with the patience to keep reading, it's profound - even more so to those of us who struggle with depression.

3039237 On a personal note, I don't know why you're depressed and yes, it does matter...

~ It is my understanding that there are essentially two forms of depression. One, is chemical. A misalignment in the chemical balances in your brain. If this is the case, the only thing you can do is seek medical treatment and keep at it until you get it under control. It sucks, but it's the truth. The second is trauma related. You end up depressed because you have experienced a trauma that you simply can't handle. It's sad to say, but some people never get over these. You can learn to live with it, but never really get over it. Take it from someone who knows...

...Anyways, if you'd like someone to talk to, feel free to PM me. I know what it's like to want to scream and for your voice to some up mute. All you want is to put it behind you and move on, but it hides behind you like a shadow, just waiting to jump back on your back.

The only other piece of advice I can give is, keep writing...it's therapeutic.


I know this... Or at least I think I do.

It's that "voice", in my head. The one that tells me I'm... wrong. That what I feel and why I feel it is wrong. Tells me that I'm selfish for feeling it.

It's that "voice" that reminds me that I have no fucking right to feel like I do. No reason in my overly entitled life to waste the time of those who "care" for me.

It's that "voice" that reminds me of my failures, points out that I'm a terrible horrible person who only feels like this to harvest the sympathies of others.

It's that "voice" that hurts.

But the voice isn't me. It's in my head, but it isn't me.
Bear with me for awhile and I'll explain.
Everyone has these voices in there head. You sort of "hear" your thoughts in your head, right?
Now there is a voice that is "me", if I think about how old I am, or what my name is, the voice in my head that replies "18" and "Liam" is "me", my "voice".

The abusive "voice" isn't "me", and I have a way to shut it up:
I observe it. What does it look like in my head? Does it have a particular way of speaking? etc...
Once I have a solid picture of it (while ignoring what it's saying).
I ask it to do something.

I ask it to observe me...

It shuts up.

Because it can't observe me, because it isn't actually conscience. So it has nothing to say and becomes quiet.

To explain where this voice comes from I'll have to go on a bit of a tangent.

The brain processes all language in specialised areas called speech-centers. Men have on average 3-5 and women have up to 8.
Listening to speech, speaking, typing or thinking in words keep speech centers busy. I'm using three now:
one to formulate what I'm about to type in my head,
one to type it,
and one to read what I just typed.

Speech centers are incredibly powerful, and when not in use they start making work for themselves by giving a "voice" to bundles of subconscious thoughts and memories.
The memories these voices use are often ones tied to a strong emotion. Often these memories are of an originating incidence that affected you deeply:
The first time you were called selfish.
The first time you couldn't get what you wanted.
The first time you were burned by you're curiosity.
The first time you were wrong.

The "voice" is born from these memories. And because it is based from you're subconscious, in a way, it "knows" the way you tick and exactly what to say to get to you, to counter every argument you throw at it, to belittle and hurt you.

So don't fight the "voice" and definitely don't talk or argue with it. It's not alive, it's opinions aren't valid and with effort it can be shut up and ignored.

I may just be rambling but that's what helped me. I don't know if what you're feeling is at all similar.
I wish you the best of luck.
Change is inevitable.

Sure you want to do away with show-don't-tell, or is this supposed to read like an essay?

I'd suggest dividing up your sentences to make it more engaging, but I'm no expert and I'm not completely sure what you were going for.

Incidentally, I think I best relate to Celestia here.

Interesting technique :fluttershysad:

Small typo

The sickness made it made to concentrate at times

The sickness made it hard

i think this is one of my all-time favorite FiM fanfics.

Assuming you're serious, that really means a lot to me. I put a lot of myself into this story.

Thank you for taking the time to comment. I appreciate it.


I'm entirely serious. As someone who still struggles with depression--and I don't mean occasionally, I mean all the time, because it never really goes away, no matter what anyone does--I can say this is horrifyingly accurate in capturing the essence of what it's like to fall deeper and deeper into a hole nobody can get you out of. And what I liked in particular is that Twilight's rationale for her growing self-hatred isn't just "Oh I'm terrible nobody loves me wah"; it's fueled by things like her feeling guilty for being unable to get better despite her friends' help, and her constant worries of 'maybe I'm not as good a friend to them as they are to me'. I think a lot of other people would have had Twilight acting like Marvin the Paranoid Android and generally being emo, or tried to go all Freudian and said "She has low self-esteem because her mother didn't love her enough", but your story is her genuinely trying to fight against something she doesn't even understand, and constantly losing. The end was chilling because it cuts off with Twilight coming to the conclusion that she's the problem; that her very existence is flawed. It's chilling because I know from experience that you either shoot yourself in the head after that because it's unbearable to realize that you are the problem, or else you spend the rest of your life wading through grey and being afraid to get up in the morning. There's no more fighting it after that.

I was just going to say yes, but I kind of ended up sperging a bit. ;_; Sorry.

Anyway, it inspired me to write this. I keep recommending Twilight is Sick to people who say they liked it.

This is a really amazing story, is what I'm trying to say.

Equus Littera brought me here with a truly excellent live reading.

You sir are a champion.

Why was this cancelled, and what was this inspired by?

This hurts.
It's good.
But god it hurts. I know this story, intimately, and all its nuances.
It's funny to read this, because if I'd had a bullet to eat about a year ago, you can bet your ass I'd have eaten it. Went for dehydration instead, and boy, it's so easy for other people to screw up a perfectly good plan... oh well. Grey days can be my penitence for daring to seek escape.


Yeah, I also belonged to the club once (it lasted for about... two years?) Probably the most difficult episode of my life. I think it was caused by realising that my life wasn't at all as I had imagined, and losing the hope of a change in the future, because it was just more of the same.

I remember very well the moment in which I was 'cured'. I was in my bed, and my mother was in the kitchen and said to my sister: 'He is gone to turn thirty years, and still be like that". Then I realised that my problem was like a huge black ball over my head, big like a planet. But it wasn't really a homogeneous whole, it was more like formed by several parts, each one being a big problem in my life. To lift the big planet was impossible, but I could lift each one of the small parts by separate.

Then I had like a vertigo (still in the bed) for about 10 seconds, and it was over. Until today (many years ago). The funny part is that the most horrible mental condition of my life was resolved in mere seconds, after years of unceasing mental pain. Its hilarious, a thought can heal it in any moment, but that thought needs conditions and ingredients very difficult to obtain (some people spend their rest of their lives trying to find them).

As an extra, I think that the '10 seconds of vertigo' were caused by the brain generating again the chemical compound that makes life happy, funny and enjoyable. Probably the same substance than can be obtained artificially through Prozac.

This is a terrifyingly good depiction of clinical depression. Utterly terrifying.

But it doesn't... end...


You know, I held back on reading this story when the parasprite first recommended it on a blog post who knows how long ago because I was . . . well, I was kind of afraid. I was afraid of discovering some profound, daunting, monolithic truth about myself, that maybe, all this time, I'm actually just as bad as everyone else that suffers from depression. I was looking for validity for some of the feelings that crop up while I burn the midnight oil in solitude.

However, I was greeted with something else . . . something far more vile and horrifying than my personal squabbles. Yes, I finally figured out that I . . . had it all wrong. After reading this, I don't believe that I truly suffer from any form of depression. Not a chronic illness, at least. These feelings described here are battles that I've faced before, but I cannot even begin to imagine what a daily grind, a perpetual hell of constant self-doubt and self-hatred would feel like. And I think that's what really brings me down about this whole thing. I want to understand; I want to know this feeling so I can help those suffering from this illness, but . . .

I don't think it's that easy, and for many, I don't think that's a viable answer. The ending of the story implies Twilight's epiphany is that she is, in fact, the problem, the reason why she cannot live a normal life, and that's where I've been stumped and have had to simply stand by and hope for change because only the person can change how they feel about themselves, but they can't. They just can't, and no matter what anyone does, there is no shot that'll clear this one up. There is no super medicine that can cure depression.

That's why I love and hate this story. I understand now, with crystal clarity, like a baseball bat to the stomach, how this works and why. I love that I have bridged the gap of understanding that now allows me to be more considerate of other's feelings and hopefully not trigger an event, but . . . I hate this story because it means I must face the stupid truth that I simply lack the ability to save and help everyone. I'm not a miracle worker; I'm a little man trying to fit really big shoes that were never meant for me.

And it's this feeling that I hate the most . . . being useless . . .

Thank you for writing this. It's a masterpiece. Very few stories make me think like this, and only one has made me feel like I should write a long comment about how I feel on this subject.

This is very well done, you have to love reading to appreciate how well done and efficient this story is at delivering the message and making you feel bad. I see that it's canceled, i would love more chapters, but marking it as complete would be fine too.

Comment posted by polyphemusclops deleted March 3rd
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