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Quoth the raven: "CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW" (Patreon)


Derpy was just trying to make a sandwich. Vinyl was there too.

Now the world is ending.

Really, it's all their fault.

A stylistic tribute to Terry Pratchett.

Russian translation by Repitter.

Proofread by MrNumbers, Octavia Harmony, and TheMaskedferret.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 91 )

Best Derpy? Quite possibly. Thank you for a glorious jaunt about the depths of utter insanity.

Holy crap I think this is literally the best thing you've ever written. If I weren't so lazy I'd make a second account so I could favorite this twice. Notice my monotone use of punctuation. This is because no mere mortal punctuation can describe my feelings for this amazing story. Not even the mythical interrobang does this justice.

Mmmmmyes, this be a goodun one.

Funny, but got a bit too random in the long run.

"drawers being open" => opened
"evil is nobile" - pretty sure you're not referring to the Italian aeronautical engineer and arctic explorer, given the lower case n. But if you are (would make as much sense as anything else in this story), always capitalize the first letter of names.
"screwing her parents you" => his parents
"When Depry lowered" => Derpy

5871348 "nobile" is a concept the story defines. Because no real spoilers, I'll tell you: it's the actual opposite of mobile, and it is evil. (Or rather, evil is it.)

WTF did I just read

There is no word in the Human language that I am currently aware of that could properly expressed just how confused and amused I am in reading this.

A pretty normal reaction to Aragon stories story's story? work (and the occasional blog), truth be told, but it bears repeating

I have book marked this story to peruse at a later date for my own pleasure and when I'm not up to my fucking eyeballs in philosophy and the values of leisure and play.:flutterrage:

Which means I will read this for its own sake and not just because it's a means to an end.:rainbowhuh:

By jove! I think this studying lark might just be paying off!:derpytongue2:

Keep up the good work.:coolphoto:

Toodle pip:moustache:


Even if Oblivion strikes you, you still die and then your existence goes away. In that space, "existence" and "life" are more or less the same -- in other words: Oblivion is just a fancier Death. When Oblivion hit Derpy, she died, but she came back before being forgotten.

So yeah, the Madness Mountain can't even do that. What a lame-ass abomination.

Clearly you have studied under the genius of Terry Pratchett and Douglas Adams. Or you've never heard of them yet somehow write a lot like them anyway.

Either way, you are a master of mind-bending hilarity and I salute you!

Oh god my eyeballs are leaking


Comment posted by Disavowed ASH deleted Apr 17th, 2015

This was one of the funniest stories i've ever read. Probably the one with the most "what the fuck did I just read?" moments. Very, very well done. You should do a side story that explains everything that happened on the outside.

But no Bon Bon!

I can only ever read Vinyl's voice as Nowacking's voice. And that makes me want to see this as an animation. But not. This is just weird.
I'll go make a sandwich.


This was pure genius. There is literally only one way to make it better, and her name is Bon Bon.


In the original draft, Bon Bon is one of the ponies that appear at Derpy's (as well as Carrot Top, now that we're at it), as her accident is the thing that starts the whole deal. A car runs over her, she has some weird seizures ("We don't know if she's epileptic or if she just really likes swallowing her tongue, but either way we eventually got bored and left her there. And now we're here. 'Sup.") and then her eyes go white and she starts speaking The Prophecy.

Then she goes to Derpy's house and starts whining about it, and a lot of things happen.

The same car/prophecy thing happens here, but mostly as an in-joke to myself -- her role was completely scratched, mostly because, as much as I like my own interpretation of Bon Bon, she tends to slow down the story a lot. That's the joke with her. Having so many ponies (and so many unexplained B plots going on in the background, with only tidbits to be heard) made the story way too difficult to follow, and instead of running some jokes till the end it just touched every single joke once and then forgot about it.

So yeah, Bon Bon got deleted. As well as Carrot Top. I just thought they were the least necessary. A shame, if you ask me, but I truly believe it was for the better.

Still boss to find another LSSTWD-Bon Bon fan, however. Gimme five, man.

Did Abyssal Overlord just empty Derpy's fridge?

Alright, I see your point! Thanks for explaining, by the way!

(This brings up a question. Would ponies call it a high two?)

Dr. Folklore: There is no booze strong enough....

PS. This is glorious! :rainbowlaugh:

I do believe that this is literally the first time on FimFic that I've seen tentacles in a story's picture and the story didn't have the "sex" tag.

Equestria’s sun is not normal.

It’s hard to notice, at first. If you look at it, you see nothing but a regular star, a giant ball of hydrogen and hellfire.

But first looks are deceiving. If you look a little harder, you’ll start to notice something. You can’t really put your finger on it for a couple minutes, but eventually, you see it.

It’s not about the star. It’s about what it does. Or rather, how it does it.

Equestria’s sun doesn’t orbit around a black hole, a galaxy, a bigger star, or, well, anything with a respectable amount of mass. No, Equestria’s sun orbits a planet.

Not even a giant planet, even. Sure, gas giants aren't exactly dense, but at least they look the part [1]. But instead, Equestria’s sun orbits a small rocky planet, completely disregarding the laws of physics and good taste. It’s just preposterous.

[1] Mass is widely accepted as the cosmic haute couture more or less everywhere.

It was not entirely the sun’s fault, though. As usual, the ponies were to blame.

The ponies—Equestrian ponies, Equus ferus caballus magicus, also known as “Lord Almighty did that thing just talk?”—were a small and wonderful species, full of kindness, good will, and intelligence.

Intelligence that was mostly defined by two statements: First, Mother Nature was wise. Second, ponies were wiser.

My brain hurts.

I want to hear a dramatic reading of this.

5874090 It's a general rule that most of Aragon's things would be funny as animation, however, there would definitely be lost humor in the transition, like with wordplay.

I wonder if Nowacking would do a dramatic reading?

on a scale of one to ten, this fic has Wat factor of about.... oh dear.


I am a rather smart person that is able to grasp some rather abstract concepts. This makes my brain hurt. What drugs were you on when you wrote this, because they are some damn good drugs and I want in.

That is amazing. May I do a reading of it? I want to read it and use it as my debue on the fanfiction reading world.


Sure! As long as you give credit and link to the source, there's no problem if you wanna read it.

This is amazing. I don't know what to say. I could read the entire Oxford Dictionary and still not know how to describe this. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go barf rainbows on a unicorn underwater on the moon in the seventeenth dimension.

10/10 -IGN (we rate fanfics now) would destroy time again

Greatest thing I have ever read and, quite possibly, will ever read.

5875261 That would be just as good!

What the fuck... I... I don't...

I think I need to go lie down...

I've seen the eighth dimension. It looked a lot like Indiana, as seen through an underwater kaleidoscope. Someone with the nineteenth century for a face sold me a postcard, but it disintegrated when I got back. At least, I think it was its face. That's what moved when it talked-but-didn't-really at me (like a bad telepathy-English translator).

Also, I don't think I'm allowed to go back anymore. Good news is, copyright law doesn't exist in the eight dimension, and you're a millionaire. I hope you enjoy your Escher house: they're very chic, in a rustic way.

I think they rated the story pretty highly: eight-and-a-half theoretical masses out of one bologna sandwich and an olive. It's good, I swear.

Okay, let's see what's in the feat. Box...
...OOOOOH this is new!

(Reads story)

...Did you take inspiration from John dies at the end?

Because that is the only thing I can compare this to.

So, never asking Derpy for a sandwich, ever.

The fridge horror is that Octavia is a stepmom now and nobody seems to care.

StepMILF! :rainbowwild:

sanctum sanctorum

She commanded the powers of fate, I.e. DC universe's Dr. Fate

It should be The Tower of Fate, a doorless, windowless, tower in Salem, Massachusetts.

and oddly enough, being the envoy of chaos (go me) this all made sense without any at all... CHAOS RULES!!

[1] Mass is widely accepted as the cosmic haute couture more or less everywhere.

That footnote is so Terry Pratchett. :pinkiesad2:

a giant star mindlessly orbiting around a really, really, really small planet that had only, like, one satellite.

Technically, that makes the star a satellite too, right? :P

Why? why am compelled to come back an read this over and over?

5878153 it was taling about the sun, the moon is an illusion by celestia to keep astronomers from finding her absolutly humongous[10] cheese stash
[10]- large enough that a reference such as this wont suffice

This is perhaps one of the best stories I've read. It's witty, clever, funny, and actually - in some odd, perverted way - moving.

Sir Pratchett would be proud.

Hope is the last thing you lose, after all.

Yes that is the last thing you lose, hope and dignity—two! Two of the last things you lose are hope and dignity and consciousness—three! Three of the last things you lose are hope, dignity, and consciousness and life—four!

seventeen different synonyms of the word ‘butt’

1.) Backside
2.) Behind
3.) Bottom
4.) Bum
5.) Buttocks
6.) Derriere
7.) Fanny
8.) Fundament
9.) Haunches
10.) Hindquarters
11.) Posterior
12.) Rear
13.) Rump
14.) Seat
15.) Plot
16.) Gluteus Maximus
17.) Ass

Incoming!” she said when they knocked again.

Maybe you mean "I'm coming"?*

Then the thing in the fridge, that with the tentacles, talked.

There seems to be a word missing here, or, possibly, the "that" is unneeded?

“Hey, Octavia!” she said, smiling. “Took you your time!”

"You took" is the proper order.


This period should be a question mark.

There was a knock. Vinyl looked at the door and put her glasses back on. “Incoming!” she said.

*Apparently you do not. Carry on then. This will be the last time I bring it up.

She left out a long, heavy sigh, and then massaged the space between her eyes.

"Let." Unless she was supposed to heave a long, heavy sigh, but decided against it.

Owch. Okay, so, anything I can help with without getting out of here?”


Convince him to let you do play soloist.

You only need one of these.

Octavia said, rubbing her hoof on the floor.

She is outside, so it would be the "ground", or "street", or "sidewalk", or "road".

Bon Bon was ran over by a carriage, there’s an innocent pony bleeding to death on the street, and—”

"Run" and "in".

Behind her, Derpy was using a Shadow as a cub to beat another Shadow against the floor.

"Club". Unless you make it a practice to use baby bears as blunt objects to beat things with.

“I know, right? I love it when things make perfect sense.”

“RAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!” The fridge trembled.

The irony is strong in this one.

Owch! Okay, you haven’t.” Vinyl glared at her.


Ouch.” Derpy opened her eyes.

I do not know what to think anymore...:pinkiesad2::pinkiecrazy:

See? I told you I would read this. All I needed was some spare time and super-dimensional space. Luckily, at the moment, I have that in spades. This really made me laugh, I enjoyed it a lot. It made perfect sense in a nonsensical way.


Loved this

(chutulu fatagan)

*High-pitched, guttural throat-noises of approval*

My... my... my brain hurts. Immensely.


see, now look what you've done.

I don't...I...what? This is bullshit! Bullshit, I say!

“I’m going to tear their livers out,” Derpy said, her eyes never leaving the clock, “and then I’ll fill those livers with cheese, smash them to a powder, and force those bastards to snort them in front of their crying mothers.”

That's pretty cool though.

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