Letters from an Irritated Princess

by Tired Old Man

Bonus: Ponies Jamming Up Over a Feud Puts Me in a Jam

Dear Rarity,

I write to you in the hopes that you can intervene in a situation that you have unwittingly caused. A situation that you have already attempted to solve, but supposedly one which continues without your knowledge. Now, I’m not holding you personally responsible or anything, you merely introduced the two accountable ponies. I would advise against introducing a friend to another friend just so they can both annoy each other and you can make a point to one friend in the future, however.

Why, what did Strawberry Sunshine ever do to make you treat her so disrespectfully? If you'd introduce the pair in friendship, then the apple pony who you introduced to her would probably be sipping strawberry lemonade with Strawberry Surprise this very day. And if by chance an honest pony like Applejack should make enemies, then they would become her enemies.

I had thought my previous letter to Applejack would have silenced the animosity between the two, but it seems it’s merely moved the quelling outside of my immediate purview. Letters from Granny Smith and the odd damage report from Mayor Mare’s office are now how I am keeping track of this dispute.

Apparently, AppleJackedUpASimpleRequest dealt with all the apples being thrown at Strawberry’s house with a simple letter that read, "Sorry you don’t like having much better fruits around than those lumpy, ugly triangles. I guess you won’t have to worry about that anymore."

Strawberry, apparently no mare to trifle with, allegedly responded by finding and filling Granny Smith's favorite horse mask with strawberry jam and sticking it in Applejack's bed while she slept.

And before you ask, the story behind Granny Smith's horse mask is a long one, but it's worth mentioning that the mask is VERY dear to her and she was quite upset

After Applejack was done screaming, she found a note that said, ‘Jelly much? Hopefully this will sweeten your rotten to the core day’.

So now the Mayor is sending me random reports of ponies having their strawberry crates ‘accidentally’ smashed by heavy carts full of apples or their apple bushels ‘all jammed up’ with actual jam. I’m guessing you can imagine what fruit is used for said jam.

Perhaps your busy life as a fashionista has kept you from noticing the Organized Underground Produce War going on in your own town, which is not something I expected to say ever in my relatively long life. A produce fight club fought with actual produce, sure, but a full-scale war fought in the shadows? Fugetaboutit.

Why, it’s gone so far that even some of the ponies caught in the cross-fire have even been offered ‘protection’ from these crimes if only they’d by a few apples or strawberries!

No, wait, sorry… That’s an advert for the Ponyville’s farmers market mixed in with my notes. Apparently both the Apples and Strawberry Surprise are offering pectin for long term jam 'protection'. Now if only they’d both stick to the friendly business rivalry instead of the dark, insidious crime-ridden rivalry they’re having quietly.

Revenge is a dish best served cold, Rarity, but these actions bring an even colder chill to my once radiant heart that typically burns like the sun.

To be forthright, I'm not happy. Not with you and not with AppleHandsomeJack, but this is once again a case of one of your ill-thought out plans getting away from you. It’s my sincere hope that you can broker peace between your two friends who you introduced and on the souls of their family members, they will not break the peace you make.

I’m sure it’ll be difficult to make peace given how dire this feud has gotten, so I’m going to make the pair an offer they can’t refuse. While the lack of direct evidence on my part prevents me from intervening directly without overstepping many laws I myself have put into place, please tell them that a certain royal pony is seriously considering placing an embargo on apple and strawberry-related goods coming out of Ponyville should this unfortunate matter continue to grace her desk, indirectly or otherwise.

It’s nothing personal. It’s just business.

From the Desk of the Dawning Don of Diplomacy,

Princess Celestia

Author's Note:

Justice has once again graced my story with his presence. Frankly, I'm beginning to wonder if I should just open this story up to guest Letters??

Hrmm... I'll throw it on a back-burner. For now, enjoy the read, folks!

Comments

[drake565]

AppleHandsomeJack

So does this make Rarity Buttstallion?

[cuentadea_a]

"Dear AppleHandsomeJack"
Thank you God, Thank you! And Thank You too Tired Old Man. I've been waiting for that one for SO long!

[blazikenking]

I was excited to see AppleHandsomeJack mentioned. Partially because it's a Borderlands reference, partially because I commented with that name suggested in the previous chapter.

8222979 Diamond unicorn with curly purple mane and tail? Yes. Also, it's Butt Stallion. Two words. Feed her enough glowing purple ingots and she could poop out a legendary gun.

8222987 I think a lot of us have been waiting.

[Justice3442]

8222987
Heh. I wrote this one, though oddly enough, your praise is directed correctly as T.O.M. suggested that little bit.

[NocturnalLillith]

So I'm guessing that we're going to ignore the fact that you can't buy pears in Equestria because of the actions of the Apple Clan?

[MythrilMoth]

AppleHandsomeJack

You magnificent bastards.

[Those Kids In The Corner]

As an avid Borderlands 2 fan, I quite literally squeaked when I read AppleHandsomeJack. Beautiful.

[FoxMcCloud7921]

8223161

So in other words, Mayor Mare is just a puppet and the Apple Family runs Ponyville? I believe that.

[Grtgfbll]

Organized Underground Produce War

This needs to be a game.

[FanOfMostEverything]

A produce fight club fought with actual produce, sure

How else are you supposed to learn self-defense against fresh fruit? Especially in a world that doesn't appear to have many firearms.

Revenge is a dish best served cold, Rarity, but these actions bring an even colder chill to my once radiant heart that typically burns like the sun.

You may want to adjust your diet, Celly.

8222992
Wonderful work with this one, especially with Celestia's difficulty with Strawberry Shortcake's name.

[akajulester]

I find it funny that this chapter was released at the same time I’m in the middle of listening to The Godfather on audiobook lol

[Coyotek4]

This is the business they chose. NO ONE ASKED who threw the first fruit ... cause it had nothing to do with business.

[Coyotek4]

Also, not the first time I've seen AJ go to war over produce.

[Coyotek4]

8223802

How else are you supposed to learn self-defense against fresh fruit? Especially in a world that doesn't appear to have many firearms.

Well how many 16-tons weights do they have in Equestria?

[NocturnalLillith]

8223426

It's more that the ENTIRE Apple Clan makes sure that Pears are not sold throughout Equestria, not just the Ponyville Apples.

No matter wherever you go in Equestria, no matter how small the settlement, there will always be somepony from the Apple clan, ensuring that only Apple and Apple Accessories are being sold. The Clan tolerates smaller fruit and fruit-growers, provided they don't make a nuisance of themselves. That and it's not considered a betrayal to consume other non-apple fruit, as long as it isn't anything like an apple and that one remembers where their loyalties lie.

There are other nations on Wilson, like Griffonstone, Yakyakistan and the United Deer Nations. It's just that none of them have a figure like the Diarchy that can alter the movements of the Celestial Bodies.

(Aside: While typing this up, I looked up "Apples" on Wikipedia and was amazed at the sheer amount of apple varieties. Most of them could make decent names for members of the Clan. Also did not know that my favorite type of apple originated from my country.)

[Streakofscarlet]

Strawberry Sunrise

I was half-expecting Celestia to make some pun about the "Sunrise" in her name.

[Coyotek4]

8224549

(Aside: While typing this up, I looked up "Apples" on Wikipedia and was amazed at the sheer amount of apple varieties.)

I was aware.

[Briarpelt]

It’s nothing personal. It’s just business.

...Lord Business.

[Boulder]

What's worse than Jam filled horse mask? Strawberry horse head CUPCAKES!!
crazyblessedlife.files.wordpress.com/2012/08/cupcakes.jpg
The first rule of produce fight club, you never 'core out' produce fight club.
s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/28/c1/1c/28c11c84de44f79450c8794849d02ab5.jpg
"Now if only they’d both stick to the friendly business rivalry instead of the dark, insidious crime-ridden rivalry they’re having quietly."
s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/ee/36/86/ee36860736e633a235233a6a07c0e335.jpg

[Crazy the Clone]

That's a lot of strawberry jelly.

[Zubric]

Why, what did Strawberry Sunshine ever do to make you treat her so disrespectfully? If you'd introduce the pair in friendship, then the apple pony who you introduced to her would probably be sipping strawberry lemonade with Strawberry Surprise this very day. And if by chance an honest pony like Applejack should make enemies, then they would become her enemies.

Mayve because starbery is nothing more then a valley girl stereo type?