• Published 24th Jan 2015
  • 20,391 Views, 5,762 Comments

Letters from an Irritated Princess - Tired Old Man



Celestia writes some blunt letters to her faithful student and friends.

  • ...
71
 5,762
 20,391

PreviousChapters Next
Suggestions from an Aggravated Factory Worker

Flim-Flam Employee Suggestion Form

First Name: Celestia

Last Name (leave blank if single name):

Occupation: Princess, Barn Brand Conveyor Line Worker

Supervisor: Princess Luna, Barn Brand Team Leader

Are Flim and Flam the greatest entrepreneurs ever? If “Yes,” what are you doing writing on this form? Get back to work!

If “No,” then by all means, please tell us all about how your idea could possibly help improve our global marketing monopoly any further. We sincerely doubt this, but do give it your best shot.

Your answer: No.

Flim and Flam,

I’ve had it with this hideous arrangement of yours. I thought I was doing my ponies a service by lowering myself to their level, to prove that a Princess can last under your grueling work conditions.

I can see now how terrible a mistake that was.

I should have known it was a terrible sign when I was told I’d have to work my way up the corporate ladder if I even so much as wanted to sniff the position of regional manager. Apparently, thousands of years of experience running an entire nation wasn’t applicable because it wasn’t experience earned under a Flim-Flam owned company, so I had to start off as a conveyor line worker. With a policy like that, I honestly wonder how you hired for those positions in the first place, but no matter. I proudly took my place on the line.

It was, and still is, the worst position in the history of my life living here in Canterlot.

In the process of making a Flim-Flam Barn Brand Bran Bar, you waste so much bran making a single bar that I come to my castle leaving a feed trail from the factory all the way to my bedroom. Despite the use of hairbands to keep my mane and tail away from the machinery, both of those catch and store enough unused bran after my shift is over for me to make two dozen bran muffins when I get home. That’s how much bran circulates around your factory--and yes, the ScootAir air conditioners are fully functioning. They’re still terrible at doing the one thing they should be doing right.

And then there are your Presidents! I know not what particular brand of Apple Blooming Cider you drank to dream up the notion that children are fully capable of such a position, nor do I condone the use of candy pay raises in the face of hideous dental benefits that barely pay for our toothbrushes. Oh sure, the children are all for it, but adult ponies can’t live off of Barn Brand Bran Bars and bags of figurative (sometimes literal) sugar.

As for the Sweetie Chic uniform I was required to wear? The seamwork was so poor I’ve had to get it repaired at least fifteen times in these past few months. And I swear each repair is specifically done so the uniform would last for hardly two weeks before breaking in the same area again: my flank.

These travesties upon the good ponies will not stand, Flim and Flam. I cannot in good conscience allow such cheapness to persist, but per our agreement of staying like this for a full year, the most I’m allowed to do at this time is write this formal complaint addressing some of the more dubious standards and policies. But when that year expires, I hope you have a mid-size army of lawyers to defend your sleazy decisions and wanton destruction of the land to clear the way for that new, massive strip mall in the valley.

Best regards,

Princess Celestia

Hello Luna. Let me guess, you want to talk about the bran in my hair, right?

What? Luna, I am NOT selling out like that! Making princess bran muffins is unethical, not to mention questionably edible!

Yes, I know the bars are already questionable since they also taste like tree bark, but at least they're sanitary! They'd be eating my HAIR if they ate my muffins! Does that not mean anything to you?

I don't care if you've repurposed your hair into children's wallpaper! I have standards to maintain!

PreviousChapters Next