Letters from an Irritated Princess

by Tired Old Man

The Apple Family Lies. What Else is New?

Dear Granny Smith,

Thanks for approving that discrete cider shipment this week. I needed that more than you know right now, hence my sending of some of the Royal Guard to expedite the delivery.

To think that after ten years of trust and friendship, I can finally get a cider shipment with little to no hassle. Heh, you remember the first time I tried getting a shipment from you? Those were the days where you had teeth to pull. I had to come in person to try and coax a single jar out of your stash, and some days you were darn ornery about letting one go.

Not to mention the lies you told to try and hold on to them. “Cider expires the same day it’s made! Ah don’t do cider deliveries in any capacity! The Appleblight ruined our harvest this year, so you only get one mug, sister!” Oh, the ridiculous excuses your silver tongue conjured just to keep it within the family and away from the local merchants… well, that and verbally strong-arming them into submission.

Say, does Filthy Rich still break into a cold sweat around any discussion of cider? I’ll bet you make him nervous just being within a few yards of him ever since you chewed his ear off at the hospital.

You have to know you’re his bogeymare by now. He’s totally using you to scare his daughter with spooky bedtime stories. “They say Granny leaves her bed at night, hunting for her lost pair of dentures! If she sees you on the orchard grounds, bewaaaare! Don’t let her catch you, or she’ll GUM ya!”

...Sunny, get out from under the bed. Granny’s not going to catch you. She’s a whole town away, and she’s not the Pink One.

Speaking of Filthy, I need to write an apology to his wife, Spoiled “Rotten”. I was joking about researching her name before--actually looking into it, I didn’t realize her parents also had a sick sense of humor. I likely struck a nerve with that barbed remark. Although she doesn’t really deserve it, I can at least give her the due respect of calling her by her true name.

Spoiled Milk… never in my wildest years have I heard a name that foul in spirit, yet accurate in practice. It’s almost as unexpected as recalling Big Macintosh liked to run his mouth in his youth. And Appleracket being a big, fat liar in a skinny frame.

It’s no wonder you still run the orchard today… wait, is that why you’re so long-lived? You refuse to die until you’re sure they can run the orchard right without you around! I’ve cracked your secret to your ridiculously lengthy life, Granny!

And I secretly hope you keep on living.

I’ll see you later this week. And don’t worry. Your cider is always in good hooves.

Friends forever,

Celestia

Luna, could you help me get Sunny out from under the bed? She’s convinced Granny Smith’s going to gum her to death.

Don’t look at me! I was just making a joke about it! It’s not my fault she took it seriously!

Look, just try to coax her out if you can. I’m going to get some tools to get her out.

Cupcakes and cream puffs. What, did you think I meant a broom? She’s not a dog, you know.

Comments

[terrycloth]

Don't forget about her rusty horse shoe.

[Grtgfbll]

Cupcakes and cream puffs. What, did you think I meant a broom? She’s not a dog, you know.

Sometimes one wonders...

[MythrilMoth]

[BlueYoshi]

Sunny may not be a dog, but Celestia may be.

derpicdn.net/img/view/2016/2/18/1091054__safe_solo_screencap_princess+celestia_cute_animated_open+mouth_edit_eyes+closed_text.gif

[Streakofscarlet]

So, is Sunny legally old enough to drink cider?

[FanOfMostEverything]

Calling it now: Granny Smith is actually a lich. The entire orchard is her phylactery.

[Coyotek4]

So, you don't need to get the Jaws of LIfe?

[nuriel]

7632939 headcanon ACCEPTED!!!

[GamerGoddessDin]

7632938 We're talking about fresh cider just made that day not aged alcoholic cider. My 3 year old nephew is legally old enough to drink the stuff.

[Lancerlot]

7659360
That's another of those "We do it differently in America" things. In most of the world, cider is fermented apple juice. In America and parts of Canada, "sweet cider" is raw unfiltered apple juice, and "apple juice" is filtered clear and usually pasteurized. We call the fermented stuff, "hard cider."

I can sort-of see the reasoning behind that. The raw unfiltered juice starts to ferment the moment it's made, and turns "hard" quickly.
Then for its next trick, it turns into apple cider vinegar.