Letters from an Irritated Princess

by Tired Old Man

Broken Hearts and Hooves

Mayor Mare,

I need to confirm something. According to your report, an entire house was pulled clean off its foundation, a massive hole was found dug out near a road with a mattress in it, and a pile of destroyed furniture sat nearby with a paper sign saying "free junk" on top of all of it.

This sounds like a divorce gone bad with a jilted spouse taking "'Til death do us part" way too seriously. Either that, or it's Hearts and Hooves Day. Probably both.

Gods, this holiday. I swear it just exists to make singles feel awful about themselves by celebrating couples and their mushy habits of loving each other. Are anniversaries and birthdays not enough? Do Father's and Mother's Day not show enough appreciation? Do we truly need a day dedicated to love when love shouldn't be forced onto us this way?

I digress. Day court today saw fit to grace me with some bold stallions and mares asking me for advice on how to woo the special somepony of their heart's desires, and even going so far as to ask me if I could set up their dates.

Mayor, I haven't even been approached for a date in over eight hundred years. Everypony's too scared or intimidated to ask, thinking I'm out of their league, I'm too good for them... that sort of thing. Even our bar trips have ponies keeping their distance from us, although to be fair, they have good reason to keep that distance. Granny's a mean snapping turtle when she gets mad.

So what even gave them the idea that my dating advice is relevant for their generation? The dating advice I do have hails from a time when soap was considered optional! "Uh, make sure to clean under your tail and between your hind legs," was the most timely thing I could possibly think of, however blatantly obvious that sounds.

They took that advice to heart.

As for me setting up their dates, I declined. If they don't have the spine to ask themselves, they won't have it later when it matters. I shouldn't have to play matchmaker for them, but I did recommend a location that's not too posh or too seedy. A respectable location, with a small park just across the street, and a donut shop around the corner if they wanted a sweet treat for later.

Cuppa will enjoy today. I know it.

Anyway, enclosed with this letter should be enough to cover Ponyville's damages this week. Keep me posted if anything creeps out of the Everfree, and I'll keep in touch next week.

Friends Forever,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Tell Granny we're set for visiting Peachy's Parlor over in Reinsford later this month. Both of you bring a peach; trust me, it's for good reason.

Author's Note:

Greetings, dear readers and other good folk!

For those interested, the bar story I mentioned before passed moderation, which you can find right here if you're up for an extra dose of crazy.

Otherwise, thanks for reading, and have an awesome day.

Comments

[Maxes Altho]

So, nothing from the CMC talking about how you shouldnt force someone intosomething they might not want to do?

[Trainfan10]

First!
Great job by the way

[Semi-AutomagicCupcake]

Another great chapter!

[ChibiChabot]

What no Luna? Noooooooo! Oh well maybe next time.

[thechicken95]

5706245 and Twilight giving them the book which caused all of this in the first place

[Mad Maudlin]

*ponder*

If she's that hard up for a date, she could always unfreeze Discord.

[Spiritus Arcane]

5706323
Or questioning the author of said book's common sense in publishing the recipe of a dangerous love poison.

[Altered Giratina]

5706323 I had to re-read that comment, because I was thinking about the totally-not-rushed S3 Finale. Speaking about it, I wonder what excuse Celestia will have to cause Magical Mystery Curse.

[BlueYoshi]

Wow. The ponies want to ask Celestia for advices on how to get their coltfriend or marefriend? They think Celestia's a living guidebook or something. If they want to ask advice about love, they should ask Cadance. Too bad she's in the Crystal Empire.

[Zaid ValRoa]

5706714
Well...
We still don't know what was in that letter that got thrown into the lava in Dragon Quest.
It probably contained Celestia's deep thoughts and feelings about the issue (with an addendum about Shining's Wedding, because why not)

[Zaid ValRoa]

5706846
Not right now, though.
She's probably loitering around Canterlot making random ponies fall in love.

[MustacheMerlin]

5706658 I blame Discord. If I'm being completely honest though, I always blame Discord. He's the perfect scapegoat!

[Canary In The Coal Mine]

5706846

Psst: the Crystal Empire is still frozen in time by this point

[Kage no Brony]

5706280

Of course no Luna.

She's out on a date. Returning with diminished stature and without an erethral mane is helpful in some ways, after all. Much less threatening.

[Princess Cadenza]

Oh gosh, I can't wait for Magical Mystery Cure XD

[furbyguy]

This whole thing, it's genius.

[Crack-Fic Casey]

I have read a lot of stories with this concept. most of them got into the feature box.
This one is the only one that was good.
This is a very funny, sweet story and I thank you for writing it.

[RandomGuy16]

5706249 One: These comments are obnoxious.
Two: No you're not.

[TheWraithWriter]

5712130

[artofwar77]

Friends Forever,

Princess Celestia

This part really gets to me. I like it.
It's very... satisfying, I suppose, to see that even Celestia can have close relationships with her little ponies.

[Pinklestia]

I wonder how much Luna joining them in their fun changed things?

[Lord Etters]

5713187

dirtygerund.files.wordpress.com/2012/12/edgar-allen-bro-2.jpg

[GoldenCyclone4]

5706249 Normally I'd say Blue Shell, but you weren't first, so... Red Shell!

[Emperor]

If this letter got sent to Granny Smith instead, then according to shippers, GS would totes have a recommendation for someone to set up with Celestia.

Sweetie Belle had an amazing episode with her singing, at least.

[ShadowLDrago]

Gods, this holiday. I swear it just exists to make singles feel awful about themselves by celebrating couples and their mushy habits of loving each other. Are anniversaries and birthdays not enough? Do Father's and Mother's Day not show enough appreciation? Do we truly need a day dedicated to love when love shouldn't be forced onto us this way?

*grumbles* Don't remind me.

[crossed]

6697955
what's even worse is that on that day pretty much anyone can say "will you be my valentine?" and the person agrees, yet then a day later it's back to not even knowing each other.

i haven't experienced it personally, but my god that one friend who did whined for the rest of that school year.

[The Shadow]

P.S. Tell Granny we're set for visiting Peachy's Parlor over in Reinsford later this month. Both of you bring a peach; trust me, it's for good reason.

I....don’t even want to know.

Just....gonna....back....away....slowly....and....

RUN!!!!

[KvAT]

P.S. Tell Granny we're set for visiting Peachy's Parlor over in Reinsford later this month. Both of you bring a peach; trust me, it's for good reason.

Well, that's not ominous at all.